It has been quite a while - eight month to be precise
I decided to continue this thread because it would make catching up to what has happened easier than trying to find the old threads.
As you have indicated, the times had been rough. I lived quite some time in Limbo not been able to decide about staying or leaving.
On Sep 9th I moved out again. On October 1st I bought a flat but I still kept open the Option to return.
I was 'at home' from Friday to Sunday from morning to evening and left each evening. During the week I am working 200 ml from home.
I have been contemplating the pros and cons forever, but in the end I had to admit that I had made up my mind back in May in France already. I just did not have the guts to see it through.
The problem comes down to two things:
a) I do not believe that she really wants to change and that even if she wanted to that she will – people don’t change too much
b) I am unable to live with her disappointment when I do something that I like to do what she sees different. Since I believe in problem a) her assurance that she does not mind anymore and that I just have to adept is not really a good one. I will always feel bad for the things that I want to do which I consider normal (and most people do).
Since I am not willing to accept her behavior anymore but am also aware of the fact that I may also not be able to change my behavior, the relationship is doomed. Even though I love her, neither I am doing her a favor in continuing the relationship nor would she be doing me one. It took some time to realize and accept this. But now I have.
So, finally, setting myself January as a deadline because of new job, birthdays, Christmas etc. I always ended to postpone the inevitable I ran out of time. Hence, on January 28th I tried to end it. When we were done with washing the dishes after our breakfast (at 2 p.m.) I told her that I don’t want to continue counselling.
She said, ‘Okay, I understand”
She asked how this will play out and I promised that she can stay in the house until the mortgage expires (June 2021) and that I want us to go to a mediator instead of a lawyer to settle things in a civilized fashion.
She said we can stay married because this would be financially wiser (I would pay 10,000 USD more in taxes after divorce). But I said no. I want a divorce. I would love to stay friends but I cannot live under her spell anymore.
To my surprise, my wife was very calm. She insisted that I think it over and that we don’t tell the kids. I agreed to not telling them that day.
After that, we went shopping for a new jacket for our younger son and then had dinner all together. After that I watched two episodes of House MD with the younger one and left.
At the moment I am on a business trip in Thailand and feel good. So far, I had not had a single day of sorrow or regret. It surprises me that I feel that way. I expected more grief.
In the weeks and days before I finally told my wife, I was so emotionally down and even cried a few times. But when I had made up my mind on Thursday, I started to feel uplifted. Even though I had been dreading the moment when I would tell my wife that it’s over for months now, on Friday I felt electrified, on Saturday morning I felt ecstatic. I rose early and went on a training run of 21 miles on a great winter day with the sun out and snow on the trails at -5 °C/ 23 °F. I never felt better.
Then we had brunch and I was still feeling good.
When I finally told my wife, the situation was said but I only felt the sadness of loss but it was outweigh by a feeling of clarity and relief
The months and weeks before that had been terrible. I knew that I will leave her but could not bring myself to tell her. Hence, I spend a lot of effort on being imprecise and avoiding discussions about the future, what needs to change and so on. This was very exhausting.
Now everything is – theoretically – clear.
Theoretically – because my wife is trying very hard to make me see my mistake and return. Every day she is telling me how miserable the kids are, how much she misses me and that I did not try everything because I quit counselling. I will ruin not only her and the kids’ lives but also mine. But she will wait for me (one day) unless (the other day) she will kill herself once the kids are out of college.
That is very stressful again but I noticed that I have learned to live with this better When I send her a picture of the beach I am at (on my current business trip) she wished me well and said that she will never ever see the sea again because her life is ruined, she will be poor and blablabla. I told her that she will be fine and she will have the means to see he sea again. She replied “I only need a one way ticket. I’ll come back in a coffin”:
I replied that I will not comment on such statements. I am fully aware of the emotional blackmail she is trying on me but I understand the patterns now so I am more resistant to it (I would not say immune). When I read her texts to my sister she summed them up as “every cliché in the world you can bring up to try to make your husband feel guilty”. But she also said that it is a good sign that I learned to deal with it.
Now my only problem is how to get through the next months. Her mood swings will make this very difficult.
Just another example: The assistant of my former boss quit her job and started a one year travel adventure. I am fascinated by her bravery and the concept so I added her blog to my Facebook account. My wife immediately asked who my new girlfriend is. Once I told her she said “Good, because it would have been unfair if I had more from our separation [I assume she refers to an affair] than she has”.
Half a year ago I would not even have contemplated dreaming about thinking of adding a female to my Facebook friends
Hence, I am developing. I feel good for the time being and I am looking forward to my new life. I have made my peace with the fact that I will be poor for a couple of years due to child support and alimony payments. My kids shall have a good life and my freedom is worth way more than money. Besides, once payments are over, I assume I will recover real quickly.
Thank you all for your support until now