Quite some time has passed since my last post here – a bit more than four months.
If you want to read up, please go to this thread: This is the end - I believe
Currently I am very depressed with my situation. I don’t know if what I want is right or wrong or if I want the right thing or if I am blinding myself and deceiving myself with logic instead of feelings.
My parents and my siblings fully support and encourage me but I am so paranoid I fear that they may have a hidden agenda or are just telling me what they think I want to hear. I assume – in my clearer moments – that this thought is stupid, but as I said, it is a difficult time.
But then I decided to seek help again where I know that I will find it and decided to write my feelings down. In preparation I read my last thread (see above link) to make sure I continue at the correct moment in time for you.
Reading my old thread was exactly what I needed. To read through it was very spirit lifting. The things that worried me five months ago have not changed.
Two weeks after my last post I have hiked through France for 32 days and after that I saw clearly. The common ground is not there anymore, the mindset is totally different and I can neither cope with her (controlling) behavior nor can I keep on pretending to be someone else just to please her.
I am determined to leave her now once and for all. I want to be free of her. I would like a friendly relationship and a good parenting arrangement, but I want to be free from her “spell” (for lack of any better word). But still I love her.
I am tormented with guilt and insecurity about if I should really leave. By reading the things I wrote five months ago I could reflect on the current situation and see that nothing has changed. Things actually got a bit worse.
I have started my new job 200 miles away from home. Fortunately, I can work from home on Fridays with no questions asked. I am sure I can work more often from home when it is needed (by me).
Why is this important? When I leave, I will buy a flat close to my kids. I will live there at least four nights out of 7 every week. This will make living at my working location cheaper (3 days a week, but I will travel about twice a month so I will need an average of 8 nights in a motel every month).
Most importantly, by getting a flat close by the boys can drop in Friday through Sunday, they can stay over night and I am capable of doing things on short notice with them. It is also possible to go to the movies on Monday evenings or things like that. That is important.
I will also be able to keep an eye on my wife and help out with the house if this is needed.
I hope the divorce will be peaceful. I am fully prepared to let my wife stay in our house for another five years while I pay the mortgage. Then the boys are grown up and we can sell the house. This should than pay for a small flat for my wife so that she is financially secure for the rest of her life.
Well, that is the plan.
Only I need more courage. I have been delaying the separation ever since my return from France on June 4th because
- I wanted to start my new job without distraction (1st of July)
- my wife needed to finish her re-education (Aug 5th). She would never have passed the exams if I separated prior to the tests.
- my parents wanted to see the grand children (did Aug 13 – 15) – who could deny them that?
- we had summer vacation – probably the last one with the elder son (last week)
Now it is time but I cannot summon the courage yet.
I fear her reaction, that I cannot handle it. I fear that I am not strong enough to actually tell her it is over.
She thinks we are progressing. On Sunday she told me day to day life was much better now. It is – for her – because after France I went into a kind of “ignore it because it will be over soon”-mode. I don’t react to most of her behavior anymore. I just try to kill the time and avoid conflicts. Btw. this strategy is a conversation-killer because almost every subject is emotionally charged for her.
I am currently going through a very tough period. The only joy is the time I spend with my boys. I silently cried during my vacation because I know that the elder son will not come along for a vacation for quite a while. He does not even want to come along in Aug ’17 for a two week trip to the Western U.S. for the eclipse! So sad! On the other hand – my vision of me with my younger son riding in a convertible through the U.S., that is a very happy thought. We’ll have so much fun and enjoy ourselves! - I cannot imagine having any fun with my wife joining us.
The last vacation proved this again. She is very aggressive and uncertain at the same time. Always complaining about things instead of seeing the beauty of the world.
Also she always blames me and the boys that she cannot follow our discussions. Well, doing higher math is difficult, yes, but we also talk video games. Even though neither she nor I play them, I can discuss them with the boys. She just says she doesn’t know the games so we keep her from joining our discussion by discussing those games. That’s rubbish, she just needs to listen, pay attention and then she will be up to speed pretty soon.
I know I want to leave and I have to leave, but how do I get the courage to actually do it? I can give you a really long list of things that just drive me crazy that I will not be able to fix and that she does not even acknowledge to be potentially questionable, let alone dead wrong. But I still love her and don’t know if I can actually tell her that I will leave.
I know I have been crying and whining a lot on this forum. When I decided to post today, I wanted to describe everything again. But then I read my last thread. It opened my eyes again and helped me see things clearer.
I hope I can work his out very soon.
If any of you have some good advice on how to summon the courage to say goodbye – I really appreciate any suggestion.