Husband says he's unhappy
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Husband says he's unhappy

I'm married for almost 4 year (come December). I think we got married too soon without getting to know each other - dated 3 months. Currently he lives in Chicago for work while I live in MO for my work. He has a temporary 1 yr contract job. He recently emailed me back and forth and told me that he is unhappy, our marriage has been a hassle since apparently he didnt want a girlfriend to begin with (my mom and family friend set us up to meet each other 4 yrs ago), we hardly have any intimacy anymore, and our upbringings (him China culture, me American culture) seems to divide our opinions and views on things. His parents just left after staying with us for 6 months (May to Oct). He loves his parents and I'm expected to get along w/ his parents even though he doesn't get along with mine and tries to keep the interaction to a minimum (my parents think everything is ok b/w us). I dont see how that is fair. He is a good man and has treated me well. He lets me do what I wish.

The only thing is that we have zero in common (ie: interests, hobbies... etc). We are like complete opposites. He also is not able to or wants to be together w/ my parents (ie: holidays... etc). Lastly, his only plan for the future is that he wants his parents to live w/ him.

So, I dont see myself in his future. I'm not sure whether he cares about me anymore. He asked me that I should think if an ABC (American Born Chinese) is better suited to fit my habits/culture. It hurts deeply because as much as I think we might be better off divorced, I still care and love him. He said in the same email thread after saying all the things that make him unhappy and how being in Chicago makes him happy and "relieved", he said "I think you should figure out the point. If you don't know, I can give you a hint..."

Is he just waiting for me to say "let's get a divorce"? He says he does not want to talk about family or future and wants to focus on his research and work. The more he thinks about family and future, the more disappointed he is. Btw, we do not have kids. A couple days before this email thread, he said he could come down for thanksgiving weekend to st louis to see me. I said, it might be cheaper for me to go up there. He said "ok" and I booked a bus ticket. I feel like I should still go and see how things are between us. He will be going back to China over Xmas to see his parents while I'm going back to MI to see my parents. I was originally going to take a 2nd week to visit him in IL, but I cancelled that flight after he said he WANTED to go back to China... even though his parents just left in mid-October. I feel like he will always love and choose his parents over me. I just dont see the point in us "doing this" anymore, but how do I tell him that and how do I tell my parents that? Honestly, I dont care what his parents think since they are overseas and if we do divorce I will never see them again and they can hate me and say all the mean nasty things they want (I dont care).

My dad is a mellow guy and my mom can freak out over small things, so I prefer to talk to my dad about things first before my mom. Should I talk about this over Xmas break w/ my dad before I tell my husband? What should I do?
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Old 11-15-2011, 01:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband says he's unhappy

Are you happy?
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Old 11-15-2011, 03:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband says he's unhappy

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Are you happy?
I never even asked myself that question. I was more set on why he's unhappy which was that I bascially had to change everything about myself to "meet his standards".

Like, since he has a PhD and I have a bachelor's, he says I should read more books and get a masters (shouldnt this be my passion that I set for myself?). Then he says I need to learn how to use makeup and be more attractive. When we first married and we had put makeup on me, he told me he liked be better without. Then he tells me I'm too skinny and should eat more. I eat as much as I can at every sitting (which is usually lunch & dinner, I have an easy breakfast). What else do you want me to do... inject fat in me?! Then he wonders why we dont have sex more often. Well... 1) when your parents are one room away, how does ANYONE get in the mood 2) they're there for 6 freakin' months.

Thinking about that stuff doesn't make me a happy person. I'm sometimes jealous of my single or dating friends. They seem so much happier. Even my married friends are happier.

Sorry this was a long response. I am going to visit him in Chicago over Thanksgiving. Even though I know that it wont change any of his "already set in stone" future plans... I think I need to do it and then make a decision and talk to my dad over Xmas break.
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Old 11-15-2011, 03:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband says he's unhappy

Not sure what you want to talk to your dad, but that's your choice. Assume that you are single, and write down what you must have from a marriage. Now compare that with what you have now. Do you like what you see? Can improvements be made by both of you to improve the results? Should you two go to marriage counseling?

My bet, you two are done. He disrespects you on many levels.

Your decision.
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Old 11-15-2011, 04:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband says he's unhappy

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Originally Posted by HerToo View Post
Not sure what you want to talk to your dad, but that's your choice. Assume that you are single, and write down what you must have from a marriage. Now compare that with what you have now. Do you like what you see? Can improvements be made by both of you to improve the results? Should you two go to marriage counseling?

My bet, you two are done. He disrespects you on many levels.

Your decision.
I doubt he would go to marriage counseling. He'd rather spend time on his work and research and the more he thinks about the future & family, the more disappointed he is (he admitted the last part to me).

I guess I'm looking for outside people's views on this, so what do you mean/see when you say "he disrespects me on many levels"?
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Old 11-15-2011, 04:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband says he's unhappy

Re-read your posts and tell me.

Cultural, family, your intellect, your looks. I'm sure there's more you haven't mentioned.

At least, this is what I'm getting from your posts.
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Old 11-15-2011, 10:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband says he's unhappy

Touche.

The confusing part is that when we google chat with each other he sounds like how he always is. Plus, he used to call me at least once a day in the evening - now ever since that email thread - nothing. He's only moved up to IL since Nov 1st, so it's only been 2 wks. Should I even bother to call and just chat like "how was your day... etc"? I know for a fact that he calls his parents everyday, but yet he cant seem to find time to call me and ask how I am or such. Or maybe I'm not the "bigger person" cuz I'm not calling...?

But now that he's living in IL for work, how would I tell him that we're better off seperate? He's going back to China over Xmas to see his parents (even thought they were JUST here and left in mid-October) and I can only imagine if I told him before then they'd all "gain up" on me in China and then he'd come back and make things worse. That's part of the reason I want to talk to my dad - to get some sort of support on my end. He claims I made his parents cry while they visited here. He claims I was cold to them. I dont think I ever did anything to come off as a cold hard bi*ch. I made small talk and tried my best to get along and be a good DIL and wife. Unless they expect me to be some stereotypical wife that slaves in front of the stove to make home cooked meals every single day, cleans 24/7, and still work full-time... who knows. Apparently, I wasn't "good enough". Everything is all "for show" with them. You ahve to give off the impression that you are doing something to better yourself. However you go about to do that, you have to practically do it in front of their face in order to "show" that you are doing it. But he doesnt even want to make an effort to come to holidays or such for my parents. He doesnt like spending time thinking about family issues and would rather forcus on research/work because that makes him happy. He tells me that "in chinese culture" the wife usually follows the husband without any questioning. So I'm suppose to be some dumb bimbo that just follows orders w/o any opinions at all? I hate it when they do the "in chinese culture" crap. Do I say "in america"... blah blah blah? No!

So he says he's unhappy. I'm happy doing things that please me and not having people "watching" me (ie:his parents and him) all the time on what I'm doing. If I come home from work and flip on the tv and sit to watch for 1-2 hrs... they probably see it as some lazy housewife. He calls my work "not real" since I'm not slaving away like him for the full 8 hrs or like him, when he stays at work until 8pm. Then he tells me "then get a better job"... I just want to say "why dont you get a real job period?" He was a Phd student for 5 yrs and just moved to IL for a postdoc 1 yr position.

Sigh.

He doesnt physically abuse me, but he can emotional drain me. Has anyone felt like this before? What did you do? or how did you deal w/ it?
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Old 11-15-2011, 11:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband says he's unhappy

What do you like about him?

Just reading doesn't sound like you two should have married.

Might want to end it an find a real husband who loves you for you.
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Old 11-15-2011, 11:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Trying2figureitout View Post
What do you like about him?

Just reading doesn't sound like you two should have married.

Might want to end it an find a real husband who loves you for you.

I liked him because he was different from my parents. He let me do things that I enjoyed without always telling me "no" or that I couldn't. He never tried to control me. In the early parts of our marriage, he would hold my hand or walk close to me. Early on, even when his parents were around and he walked ahead of me, he'd still look back to see where I was and come walk aside me.

Now... He still lets me do what I want. If I had to wait to do something that interests him, I'd be staying home every single day of my life. When his parents are around, it's all about them.

I'm not saying I want him beside me 24/7, but its the little things that he used to do.

The fact that anytime we talk about "future" stuff, he always says he never wants to talk about it. I just want to be done w/ this and he can go do whatever he wants. He can go back to China or stay in USA and live full time w/ his parents. Good luck finding a girl that will be "gun-ho" on that. I think his parents staying w/ us for 6 months really pushed our relationship (or what was left of it) over the edge.

He wonders why I'm not more "wife-like" or give him s*x at the drop of a dime. He also had told me to Google "how to be a wife". I wanted to tell him to Google "how to be a husband". Well, I'm thinking if you never appreciate me or try to have some interests w/ me... what makes you think I want to have s*x w/ you? Or am I selfish saying something like that? Then he says he sees no hope that I will change (why do I have to change, whats to say he has nothing to change either?) so he doesnt want to have kids. Little does he know, I dont want to have kids w/ a man that doesnt appreciate family expect for his own. He basically said he doesnt want his next generation to have any of my mom's genetics.

I think we married too soon before really knowing each other cuz if I knew all this beforehand, I probably wouldn't of. Before I didnt know what I wanted... now, I know what I want in a man. He tells me that I'm not a bad person or dragging him down, but I need to change for the good. I cannot change the way I grew up. I cannot change my parents. I cannot change the fact that I'm mostly american culture not chinese culture.

Am I wrong to think like that?
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