Should I stay or should I go now - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-05-2016, 11:38 PM Thread Starter
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Should I stay or should I go now

I started to type out my entire relationship but in so lost track of the issue at hand so I erased it all and figured I'd keep it simpe. Bottom line I am not happy, and I can see that she is not happy. We are always fighting. We don't seem to see eye to eye anymore. We don't seem to have the same morals anymore. We have lost our boundaries. We don't have and shared interests. There is little to no trust. There is resentment. Guilt. I feel like I don't even know her anymore. I kind of feel like I don't know who I am anymore. The only thing we seem to have in common is our daughter and her well being. I have expressed wanting to work on us we started counseling, have only been to one session, we misses one this week because the car broke down. I feel as though it will be a waste of time though, because she doesn't want to be honest with the counselor about one of my biggest issues. Ultimately its trust but why I'm having trust issues is because she had previously used drugs and I found out, I called her out on it but have not been able to let it go. I still see signs, she still hangs out with the people she was doing them with. When I bring anything up to her now it's always a huge fight. You haven't come to bed in two days, what's up witb that? You went out to your friends until 5am what's up with that? You said you were going to get a gallon of milk and you've been gone over two hours what's up with that? I have cought her in blatant lies, behaving suspiciously and I go into a conversation calm present my issue and am confident and justified in my words. It always leads to crying or yelling and me apologizing and feeling guilty for suspecting she would do something like that or that i think of her that way. But still have unanswered questionsand then I question myself. She says that I have changed, that I am selfish and controlling. Perhaps she's right. Idk. I do know that her anger, and depression and negativy are running off on me, and I don't like who I am anymore. I don't want to keep living like this, I want things back how they used to be. But I don't know if that is possible.

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 12:50 AM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

How long have the two of you been together and married?

How old are you two? How old is your child?

How long ago was she using drugs.

If you spit up right now, your child is going to be with her some percentage of the time. I would think that finding out if she is doing drugs and what drugs, or if she is cheating would be your first priority.

If I were you, I'd back off on talking to her about all of this for a while. Interact with her according to the 180 (see link below) until you know what's going on. You can go to couseling with her. But quit asking her about the drug and what she's doing. If you ask her too much, she will take it all further and further underground.

Then get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and secure it up under the front seat of her car with adhesive backed Velcro. After a few days listen to it and find out what she's up to. Most people would be talking to drug dealer, druggy friends and/or someone they are cheating with. They use the car as safe place to talk.

Some people use 2 VARs. One to have in the car one to swap out while they are listening to the recording

If you get anything bad on the recording, do not confront her right away. Come here and let us help you come up with a plan of action.

So just back off, calm things down until you have more info.

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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 01:46 AM Thread Starter
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We have been together 6 years. Our daughter is 3 years old. I am 29, she is 39. The drug use was less 6-8mo ago. I whole heartedly beleived her at first when she told me she quit until I noticed off behavior about two months later that suggested she never stopped. I asked her about it and she denied it, then she brought it up the next day and after talking about it more she admitted to do doing it again and lying about it the night before. Since then there has only been more odd behavior to suggest she is again or never stopped doing it and I just don't believe anything she says. The drug in question is meth. When we talk about it she says she was doing coke not meth like it was ok if it was just coke, but the girl she hangs out with is someone I know to use meth. I saw a meth pipe roll fall out of her purse on accident once. She was in contact a few months back with her friends dealer whom I had met when her friend lived with us for a short time. I had my share of recreational drug use before my daughter was born I know what it looks like. She will not sleep for days, and then when she does she is comatose for an entire 24-36 stretch, when she was up she had crazy mood swings 0-100 in a second, her face was breaking out and she was scratching at it to the point of her face being scabbed up, she would be paranoid and come up with insane theories that sounded like absolut nonsense if coherent at all, she lost probably 30 pounds in a very short period of time. she alienated not only her but me as well from the friends that were trying to offer help. She still displays some of these sometimes not all of them, as often or all at the same time but enough for me to still not trust her. I just think she's not doing it as much and as you say has gotten better at hiding it. And she has an answer ready for everything. Why did you loose so much weight so quick? Diabetes. Why are you picking at your skin. like that? Anxiety and something I forget the name that's a symptom of perimenopause. why haven't you been sleeping? anxiety and depression? Ya but you have Ambien the dr prescribed. No it doesn't work. She took it one night. She just has a response to everything. Sometimes they seem legitimate and I'm like well maybe, I guess, then she proceeds to tell me how I make her feel like a piece of **** and I'm the bad guy and I leave feeling guilty. Then I realize I'm being manipulated, and I get angry so I confront her again and the same thing happens. It's exhausting. This morning is the perfect example. I found a cut straw for snorting drugs. Now in all honesty I too snorted drugs (oxycodone) with her a few years ago before my daughter was born. Her excuse was that she was going through old stuff and it must have fallen out. Now she's mad that I don't trust her, so she needs to get out of the house left around 5pm to a meth pipe girls house, just messaged me about 15 min ago saying that she is staying over night because they are working on some kind of craft together. At least she told me this time, last week she came home at 8am after leaving around 6 for a cpl hours.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 07:52 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

Sadly, I have far too much experience dealing with people who are addicted to meth, oxy, etc.

You need to protect your daughter. It sounds like right now your wife is a lost cause. Until she decides to get clean, there is nothing that you can do.

What I suggest is that you go to a pharmacy and get a drug test. Tell her that she needs to take it order to stay in your house. Tell her not to come home until she is willing to take the test and if it comes up positive, there are new rules:]

1) she needs to go to some kind of rehab
2) she needs to end her friendship with everyone she knows who uses drugs

If she does not do the above, you need to file for divorce and tell your lawyer about her drug use. Insist that she get a drug test before she can have any unsupervised time with your daughter. I have a friend who did this. It was 6 months before his wife finally took the drug test. The judge ended up giving him 100% custody of the kids. Even though the test came up clean, waiting 6 months to take a test that would allow her to see her kids was a pretty clear sign that she had to wait until she could pass a drug test.

You cannot fix a marriage with an active meth head. It's just not going to happen.

It's 100% unacceptable that she is spending the night at the house of her drug enabling friend's house. Stop being worried about getting her upset or being the bad guy. At this point it's not about you. It's about your child.

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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Sadly, I have far too much experience dealing with people who are addicted to meth, oxy, etc.

You need to protect your daughter. It sounds like right now your wife is a lost cause. Until she decides to get clean, there is nothing that you can do.

What I suggest is that you go to a pharmacy and get a drug test. Tell her that she needs to take it order to stay in your house. Tell her not to come home until she is willing to take the test and if it comes up positive, there are new rules:]

1) she needs to go to some kind of rehab
2) she needs to end her friendship with everyone she knows who uses drugs

If she does not do the above, you need to file for divorce and tell your lawyer about her drug use. Insist that she get a drug test before she can have any unsupervised time with your daughter. I have a friend who did this. It was 6 months before his wife finally took the drug test. The judge ended up giving him 100% custody of the kids. Even though the test came up clean, waiting 6 months to take a test that would allow her to see her kids was a pretty clear sign that she had to wait until she could pass a drug test.

You cannot fix a marriage with an active meth head. It's just not going to happen.

It's 100% unacceptable that she is spending the night at the house of her drug enabling friend's house. Stop being worried about getting her upset or being the bad guy. At this point it's not about you. It's about your child.
This. You need to get your child out of that situation.

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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 08:25 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

Yep, get out of this marriage and protect your daughter. You can do it. Get your family/friends in the loop and make sure everyone knows what's going on. Once it's out in the open, you'll be able to plan your escape from this hell hole.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 05:04 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

Don't go.

Throw her out.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

She's totally using dude.

It's as clear as the meth pipe that fell out of her purse or the snort straw that fell out of her bag.

There's no question.

The only question is are you just going to sit around indefinitely confronting, accusing, and then backing off with your tail between your legs and getting nothing accomplished other than increasing the conflict?
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 05:32 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

i recently left my ex. He was doing coke, smoking pot, and using other people's prescription adderall that i know of. there may be more. I took the kids with me and he has zero unsupervised visitation until he takes a hair follicle test. it's been 10 months and he hasn't taken it yet. Do some research there. certain drugs don't show up on a urine test, or don't show up after only a few days. There are urine tests, blood tests, and hair follicle. Get the one you need for what you are dealing with. Also, be advised, there are drinks to take that will help you mask a pee test, fake dehydrated pee for sale online, people that will sell clean urine for tests etc.

I also found it helpful to take pictures of the drugs/paraphernalia he left lying around before i left.

I don't suggest leaving, make her leave if you can. i just couldn't keep him out of our apartment, and it wasn't safe to stay.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 04:03 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

Deal breaker. She needs to go.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:50 AM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

No

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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

I agree with everyone else. Drugs is a dealbreaker - especially hard stuff like meth.

Give her an ultimatum: immediately enter rehab or get out. Visitation only upon successful drug testing.

Don't mess around with your daughter's life.

Married 20 years, currently working on reconciling with husband (originally planned to separate in 2018)
Mom to two young teens
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Should I stay or should I go now

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Originally Posted by Jpp3 View Post
We have been together 6 years. Our daughter is 3 years old. I am 29, she is 39. The drug use was less 6-8mo ago. I whole heartedly beleived her at first when she told me she quit until I noticed off behavior about two months later that suggested she never stopped. I asked her about it and she denied it, then she brought it up the next day and after talking about it more she admitted to do doing it again and lying about it the night before. Since then there has only been more odd behavior to suggest she is again or never stopped doing it and I just don't believe anything she says. The drug in question is meth. When we talk about it she says she was doing coke not meth like it was ok if it was just coke, but the girl she hangs out with is someone I know to use meth. I saw a meth pipe roll fall out of her purse on accident once. She was in contact a few months back with her friends dealer whom I had met when her friend lived with us for a short time. I had my share of recreational drug use before my daughter was born I know what it looks like. She will not sleep for days, and then when she does she is comatose for an entire 24-36 stretch, when she was up she had crazy mood swings 0-100 in a second, her face was breaking out and she was scratching at it to the point of her face being scabbed up, she would be paranoid and come up with insane theories that sounded like absolut nonsense if coherent at all, she lost probably 30 pounds in a very short period of time. she alienated not only her but me as well from the friends that were trying to offer help. She still displays some of these sometimes not all of them, as often or all at the same time but enough for me to still not trust her. I just think she's not doing it as much and as you say has gotten better at hiding it. And she has an answer ready for everything. Why did you loose so much weight so quick? Diabetes. Why are you picking at your skin. like that? Anxiety and something I forget the name that's a symptom of perimenopause. why haven't you been sleeping? anxiety and depression? Ya but you have Ambien the dr prescribed. No it doesn't work. She took it one night. She just has a response to everything. Sometimes they seem legitimate and I'm like well maybe, I guess, then she proceeds to tell me how I make her feel like a piece of **** and I'm the bad guy and I leave feeling guilty. Then I realize I'm being manipulated, and I get angry so I confront her again and the same thing happens. It's exhausting. This morning is the perfect example. I found a cut straw for snorting drugs. Now in all honesty I too snorted drugs (oxycodone) with her a few years ago before my daughter was born. Her excuse was that she was going through old stuff and it must have fallen out. Now she's mad that I don't trust her, so she needs to get out of the house left around 5pm to a meth pipe girls house, just messaged me about 15 min ago saying that she is staying over night because they are working on some kind of craft together. At least she told me this time, last week she came home at 8am after leaving around 6 for a cpl hours.
Unfortunately I've had some recent experience with a situation very similar to yours, a good friends husband started using again and well you know the story. Talk to an attorney, as much as you need to get yourself and your daughter out of the situation, you can't just take the kid and leave. You can get a court order keeping her away from you, the house and your daughter.

Unfortunately there's no way to make her go into rehab, but maybe cutting her off from everything will make her come to her senses. Tell her family, not her friends but her family about what you've found and what's been going on, if anyone can help you with an issue like this it's her own family. She is going to fight tooth and nail on all of this so you need to take the legal route here. You need to document everything, if you find something write down when, where and what time and take photos of it right where you found it. Once you've fully documented it, destroy it and then document that you destroyed it. If you find drugs, document it the same way and then turn them over to the police. Make sure you tell them that you found them on your wife so that they also have a record of it. You need to cover yourself at every angle on this one because I've seen situations like this get nasty.

It won't happen right away but hopefully all this will make her come to her senses and clean up. But DO NOT let her back into your lives until she has proven without a shadow of a doubt and over a long period of time that she really is clean. And when and if you do let her back into your lives substance abuse counseling and marriage counseling are a MUST, there is no question on that.
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