Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts
Hello all, I am new to this site and I would like to hear your thoughts on my situation. I've been with my husband for 8 years, "married" for 5 this November. I'll start around the time things began to go south (apologies if it's long)
My husband and I met in the military, and we were married while we were both still on active duty. A month after the wedding, I found out that I was pregnant. Shortly after that, he started acting different. He was gloomy and he's always been pessimistic about things but at this time things were worse. He would always visit these conspiracy theory websites, watch and post things about the world coming to an end. And I don't mean sometimes, it was so much that he was started to make me really feel uncomfortable, like he wanted the world to end for some reason. We didn't have sex much when I was pregnant; I thought maybe it's because he felt weird or something. He had problems in the bedroom; either couldn't get or keep an erection and I told him more than once that maybe he had ED and should go to the doctor. Fast forward to after I had the baby- he was happy I guess but not as much as you'd expect. I was on leave for 3 months (convalescent and annual) and my contract was up shortly after. I had a feeling that I should stay, a really strong feeling but I told myself I was just nervous about transitioning. I asked him repeatedly what he thought; if I should extend my contract, reenlist, etc but he never gave one word of advice. So against the signs, I got out when my contract was up.
My last day was the day before Thanksgiving, so we went to visit my family at home. When we got back home, I was preparing to get my dependent ID before mine expired so I wouldn't interrupt my base privileges. The Monday I was on my way and he told me they were closed due to power outages. I didn't believe him for some reason but I looked on his bases FB page and it was closed. The next day I told him that I was getting the baby ready and on my way. He kept saying okay, but then he said he was on his way. I asked why are you coming home if I could just meet him and he didn't respond. Long story short, he said he went to legal and they told him to come home and talk to me. He told me that I couldn't go to get an ID because he was legally married to another woman, something I knew nothing about. Just that fast, my world crumbled. I went from being a woman with a career, husband and child to a single, unemployed mother. I could not believe it what had happened to my life in just 4 days.
The whole time, all I could think about was my daughter and how I didn't want her to be without a father like me (she was only 3 months). So, I decided to stay and he said we'd go to counseling. He said he was depressed about what he'd done and I felt bad for him. We never went to counseling; the next few months were the hardest. I'm not sure if you all know but the military, within 6 months of discharge, will pay for you to move yourself and your belongings back home. That was a long six months. I told myself since my initial thought was to stay then /i would, but it was very hard. He had to get his divorce, so there were lawyer fees and courts fees to pay. His command made us get an official divorce even though our marriage was void. Every time I looked up there was another big bill to pay, so there went my (joint checking but I did the save before and after marriage). What made it hard is that he really didn't step up from there. We didn't discuss the lie because every time I brought it up he couldn't talk about it because he "felt so bad", so I've never been holding it in. I could tell he was relieved once he finally had to tell me but I was dying inside.
(3 years later) We are living 3,000 miles away from anyone we know. He didn't step up to fatherhood like he should, never really helping or doing the small things that I asked. Our sex life is non existent; the effects of earlier events lingered and any attempts to fix them is unsuccessful. We have been living like roommates who share a bed like three years. I tried to do things, set up dates for us, plan time away from the kids but it is all one sided. All this time, I've been at home with my daughter, in school at night and weekends and getting my GI Bill. He was not supportive of me going to school; I would ask him to help with the kids and he won't, help around the house and nothing, or even take them while I do quizzes/exams; their is a child on my lap for every exam, every semester. I just recently went back to work because he had a car that died within the first year and now we have three car notes (leaving the island soon and I didn't know if we could afford to pay $1200 a month in car notes). You would think my requests for help would be answered, but no. For at least a year and a half I have been asking what were his plans because I obviously have to work around him. I suggested that since he is obligated to serve another year at sea that we stay so that I could get some time in on my job and advance (gov't job overseas so they have people leaving left and right). He agreed, reluctantly, and that is when I accepted the job; I had offers for others, one was a pathways position for students that would have been perfect (and one he said wouldn't work because i had to be there at 0530, go figure). I would be next to him while he's on the phone and he'd tell people "oh yeah, we'll be home in at the beginning f the year" which was off because he promised to extend so I could advance in my job. I would ask if he submitted his paperwork and there was always an excuse. Finally, after I kept bugging him he said that he didn't want to stay and was picking orders to transfer. I felt that was a snake move I had a hard time getting over it. I have this thing where out of nowhere things of the past flood my brain at once I realized that it wasn't the first time I asked for something and he agreed to get me to stop asking. I literally go along with everything, encourage him at every turn and never ask for much in return so you would think this he would stick
to. I felt really betrayed and fed up so I asked him to sign us up for marital counseling and he agreed. Later after work, he came in and said nothing about it. A month went by and I waited patiently for him to tell me when our counseling began. I was giving him a chance to do something in favor of this marriage and he did not do it. So of course I called and scheduled the counseling and told him when our first meting was. A few days later, he texted me and said that he was going to the psychiatrist at work because he was depressed. When I asked what he was depressed about he said work and other things. Trying to get more details I said what are the other things and he did not elaborate. Because he was going to his own counseling and you can't go to marital counseling without dealing with your depression issues (one of the questions they asked over the phone). Because of this, I had to cancel the counseling. This was about a month ago. One day after I had a talk with him, I was in my room cleaning and I was flooded with things again that had happened; I realized again that every time we have an issue in our relationship, and I don't want to seem intensive, he does this whole woe is me act. So overtime we have a problem, he always deflects and nothing ever gets solved. Then I realized that I have been being controlled; I remember feeling so at one time but I somehow I stopped noticing. Everything that I want to do is just so unattainable, ridiculous, far fetched, but he doesn't want much for himself.
I know that was long, and there is more but I figured that should be enough for a little help. I am considering separating from him and I want to hear thoughts from strangers on my situation.