Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 12:20 AM Thread Starter
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Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

Hello all, I am new to this site and I would like to hear your thoughts on my situation. I've been with my husband for 8 years, "married" for 5 this November. I'll start around the time things began to go south (apologies if it's long)

My husband and I met in the military, and we were married while we were both still on active duty. A month after the wedding, I found out that I was pregnant. Shortly after that, he started acting different. He was gloomy and he's always been pessimistic about things but at this time things were worse. He would always visit these conspiracy theory websites, watch and post things about the world coming to an end. And I don't mean sometimes, it was so much that he was started to make me really feel uncomfortable, like he wanted the world to end for some reason. We didn't have sex much when I was pregnant; I thought maybe it's because he felt weird or something. He had problems in the bedroom; either couldn't get or keep an erection and I told him more than once that maybe he had ED and should go to the doctor. Fast forward to after I had the baby- he was happy I guess but not as much as you'd expect. I was on leave for 3 months (convalescent and annual) and my contract was up shortly after. I had a feeling that I should stay, a really strong feeling but I told myself I was just nervous about transitioning. I asked him repeatedly what he thought; if I should extend my contract, reenlist, etc but he never gave one word of advice. So against the signs, I got out when my contract was up.
My last day was the day before Thanksgiving, so we went to visit my family at home. When we got back home, I was preparing to get my dependent ID before mine expired so I wouldn't interrupt my base privileges. The Monday I was on my way and he told me they were closed due to power outages. I didn't believe him for some reason but I looked on his bases FB page and it was closed. The next day I told him that I was getting the baby ready and on my way. He kept saying okay, but then he said he was on his way. I asked why are you coming home if I could just meet him and he didn't respond. Long story short, he said he went to legal and they told him to come home and talk to me. He told me that I couldn't go to get an ID because he was legally married to another woman, something I knew nothing about. Just that fast, my world crumbled. I went from being a woman with a career, husband and child to a single, unemployed mother. I could not believe it what had happened to my life in just 4 days.
The whole time, all I could think about was my daughter and how I didn't want her to be without a father like me (she was only 3 months). So, I decided to stay and he said we'd go to counseling. He said he was depressed about what he'd done and I felt bad for him. We never went to counseling; the next few months were the hardest. I'm not sure if you all know but the military, within 6 months of discharge, will pay for you to move yourself and your belongings back home. That was a long six months. I told myself since my initial thought was to stay then /i would, but it was very hard. He had to get his divorce, so there were lawyer fees and courts fees to pay. His command made us get an official divorce even though our marriage was void. Every time I looked up there was another big bill to pay, so there went my (joint checking but I did the save before and after marriage). What made it hard is that he really didn't step up from there. We didn't discuss the lie because every time I brought it up he couldn't talk about it because he "felt so bad", so I've never been holding it in. I could tell he was relieved once he finally had to tell me but I was dying inside.
(3 years later) We are living 3,000 miles away from anyone we know. He didn't step up to fatherhood like he should, never really helping or doing the small things that I asked. Our sex life is non existent; the effects of earlier events lingered and any attempts to fix them is unsuccessful. We have been living like roommates who share a bed like three years. I tried to do things, set up dates for us, plan time away from the kids but it is all one sided. All this time, I've been at home with my daughter, in school at night and weekends and getting my GI Bill. He was not supportive of me going to school; I would ask him to help with the kids and he won't, help around the house and nothing, or even take them while I do quizzes/exams; their is a child on my lap for every exam, every semester. I just recently went back to work because he had a car that died within the first year and now we have three car notes (leaving the island soon and I didn't know if we could afford to pay $1200 a month in car notes). You would think my requests for help would be answered, but no. For at least a year and a half I have been asking what were his plans because I obviously have to work around him. I suggested that since he is obligated to serve another year at sea that we stay so that I could get some time in on my job and advance (gov't job overseas so they have people leaving left and right). He agreed, reluctantly, and that is when I accepted the job; I had offers for others, one was a pathways position for students that would have been perfect (and one he said wouldn't work because i had to be there at 0530, go figure). I would be next to him while he's on the phone and he'd tell people "oh yeah, we'll be home in at the beginning f the year" which was off because he promised to extend so I could advance in my job. I would ask if he submitted his paperwork and there was always an excuse. Finally, after I kept bugging him he said that he didn't want to stay and was picking orders to transfer. I felt that was a snake move I had a hard time getting over it. I have this thing where out of nowhere things of the past flood my brain at once I realized that it wasn't the first time I asked for something and he agreed to get me to stop asking. I literally go along with everything, encourage him at every turn and never ask for much in return so you would think this he would stick
to. I felt really betrayed and fed up so I asked him to sign us up for marital counseling and he agreed. Later after work, he came in and said nothing about it. A month went by and I waited patiently for him to tell me when our counseling began. I was giving him a chance to do something in favor of this marriage and he did not do it. So of course I called and scheduled the counseling and told him when our first meting was. A few days later, he texted me and said that he was going to the psychiatrist at work because he was depressed. When I asked what he was depressed about he said work and other things. Trying to get more details I said what are the other things and he did not elaborate. Because he was going to his own counseling and you can't go to marital counseling without dealing with your depression issues (one of the questions they asked over the phone). Because of this, I had to cancel the counseling. This was about a month ago. One day after I had a talk with him, I was in my room cleaning and I was flooded with things again that had happened; I realized again that every time we have an issue in our relationship, and I don't want to seem intensive, he does this whole woe is me act. So overtime we have a problem, he always deflects and nothing ever gets solved. Then I realized that I have been being controlled; I remember feeling so at one time but I somehow I stopped noticing. Everything that I want to do is just so unattainable, ridiculous, far fetched, but he doesn't want much for himself.

I know that was long, and there is more but I figured that should be enough for a little help. I am considering separating from him and I want to hear thoughts from strangers on my situation.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 01:16 AM
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

So I am a little unclear on how many kids you actually have. You mention being pregnant and having your daughter, but then later you start referring to "the kids". Did you have another child with him, or did you have children before?

If I am understanding this correctly, you are currently not married to him. Who was this other woman he was "technically" married to, and why did he "marry" you if that was the case?

I think you should run. You are already doing it all; you are better off not having to deal with all of this. He sounds like a dead weight, an anchor hanging around your neck, and you are not married to the man. I understand you don't want your child or children to be father-less, but honestly, it sounds like things wouldn't change that much.

Sorry you have to deal with this.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 01:29 AM
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

Wow, there is a lot to your story!

Thank you for your service first of all.

We have some posters in the military so I'm sure they are more experienced and understanding of your trials than I would be able to be.

Without going into specifics, right away I kept thinking to myself, "why isn't she cracking down more on him?" There has been a lot you seem to leave in his hands then hope he will fix. Then he does nothing,lets it drag on, so you have to take action. Then he'll finally do something, but it's something to directly sabotage your plans.

Hiding the fact he was married was a huge big deal, and again, I'm surprised you forgave him so easily (or that was the impression I got}. That's a HUGE and SELFISH lie for the sake of having your hand, and he knew your marriage would not be legal or stand. He DECEIVED you. And his actions encouraged the creation of a child to be brought into that mix! I cannot begin to imagine the thoughts that must run through your mind as you reassess the whole situation.

I was deceived by my first husband, and the deception not only voided our marriage so to speak, it made me completely numb. I couldn't avoid my type of deception. You have allowed him to avoid facing his, so now he thinks that it is acceptable to you and he can "get away" with it.

Please, stand up for yourself more. He's not going to do it for you, your child, or the relationship. You say you don't want your child to have a broken home,and I understand. The problem is it's already broken. She sees you two living as roommates and that's what she will learn that a relationship should be. She will learn that it's normal. You know that it's not normal. You have an opportunity and a choice to do better by her.

We don't have your partner's side of the story, but if all you say is true, then he's a snake in my book. He has a lot of work to do, a lot of apologies to make and I don't know if he'd even be capable of any of it. My gut tells me no because he has spent most of his time with you avoiding that what which was needed.

I'm not sure how helpful this is, but my #1 advice is stop hoping for something that's never going to happen. You need to take matters into your own hands and you need to stop fearing him. Time is something we can never get back. Stop letting him decide what happens, while you mold and modify yourself to HIS plans, which avoid anything resembling progress. YOU go and seek that progress for you and your daughter, without him.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 01:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
So I am a little unclear on how many kids you actually have. You mention being pregnant and having your daughter, but then later you start referring to "the kids". Did you have another child with him, or did you have children before?

If I am understanding this correctly, you are currently not married to him. Who was this other woman he was "technically" married to, and why did he "marry" you if that was the case?

I think you should run. You are already doing it all; you are better off not having to deal with all of this. He sounds like a dead weight, an anchor hanging around your neck, and you are not married to the man. I understand you don't want your child or children to be father-less, but honestly, it sounds like things wouldn't change that much.

Sorry you have to deal with this.
I was so all over the place I missed some things. We were remarried about a year after the divorce. I was not on BC because I was breastfeeding not having sex with him and got pregnant after 10 months of no sexual contact. The woman he was married to I have never met, but I had seen things from her before. He sent her money a few times and when I asked who she was and not to talk to her anymore he said it was his cousins friends that was always bumming money off of her or a friend of the family. When I asked him to come clean about everything so that I would not have any surprises, he still did not tell me. I had to grill him for hime to tell me it was her. I do not know their relationship but I do know that she does know a few of his family members, I don't know how though. He married me because I think he realized that I was ready to leave because we were together 3 years and whenever I talked about our future he did not take it seriously, would laugh it off, etc. I had one foot out of the door and out of nowhere he proposed. He said he'd sent her the papers before but she never responded. It was fraud honestly

He is such a dead weight, I am going to school and work and my daughter clings to him so much trying to get his attention. I have a feeling that he won't see them a lot when (not if) we split. He is so much like his father that he doesn't realize it. Details on that: his father cheated on his mother, had a baby and they broke up. They lived in the same city and he hardly visited because of his guilt and felling bad for himself. He has regretted breaking up his family and talks about it every single time my husband talks to him, I don't get how his wife can stand it.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 02:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Wow, there is a lot to your story!

Thank you for your service first of all.

We have some posters in the military so I'm sure they are more experienced and understanding of your trials than I would be able to be.

Without going into specifics, right away I kept thinking to myself, "why isn't she cracking down more on him?" There has been a lot you seem to leave in his hands then hope he will fix. Then he does nothing,lets it drag on, so you have to take action. Then he'll finally do something, but it's something to directly sabotage your plans.

Hiding the fact he was married was a huge big deal, and again, I'm surprised you forgave him so easily (or that was the impression I got}. That's a HUGE and SELFISH lie for the sake of having your hand, and he knew your marriage would not be legal or stand. He DECEIVED you. And his actions encouraged the creation of a child to be brought into that mix! I cannot begin to imagine the thoughts that must run through your mind as you reassess the whole situation.

I was deceived by my first husband, and the deception not only voided our marriage so to speak, it made me completely numb. I couldn't avoid my type of deception. You have allowed him to avoid facing his, so now he thinks that it is acceptable to you and he can "get away" with it.

Please, stand up for yourself more. He's not going to do it for you, your child, or the relationship. You say you don't want your child to have a broken home,and I understand. The problem is it's already broken. She sees you two living as roommates and that's what she will learn that a relationship should be. She will learn that it's normal. You know that it's not normal. You have an opportunity and a choice to do better by her.

We don't have your partner's side of the story, but if all you say is true, then he's a snake in my book. He has a lot of work to do, a lot of apologies to make and I don't know if he'd even be capable of any of it. My gut tells me no because he has spent most of his time with you avoiding that what which was needed.

I'm not sure how helpful this is, but my #1 advice is stop hoping for something that's never going to happen. You need to take matters into your own hands and you need to stop fearing him. Time is something we can never get back. Stop letting him decide what happens, while you mold and modify yourself to HIS plans, which avoid anything resembling progress. YOU go and seek that progress for you and your daughter, without him.
I just wrote a really long reply and accidentally closed the page so I'll try to it again.

Thank you for your advice. You are correct, I give in too easy and need to be stronger. I have always done things for myself but in a marriage I expect for my husband to be willing to help. I do a lot and do not ask for much so when I ask him to do something, ask again and again I think it's jus easier to do it myself. I did not used to be like this, I have lost myself trying to keep this family together.
When it all happened, I was broken inside. I wondered if he married me because it knew it wasn't real. Sitting in the court room with the papers his lawyer drew up I thought if he left me tomorrow with nothing I would not be surprised. I wondered if he waited 4 days after I separated because he knew I would be helpless and hopeless. I have been rebuilding and doing everything I can to have it together for my girls in the future. I do not want them to see me bitter towards him everyday because I can not stand him anymore. Life is too short and they are too impressionable, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't throwing in the towel too easy.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 06:32 AM
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

No, you aren't throwing in the towel too easily. In fact, I think you should have left the minute you found out that he was still legally married to his first wife when he pretended to marry you.

I see a lot of posts on this forum from men and women in fantastically terrible marriage who refuse to leave because they don't want their kids to be from broken homes. I say better to be raised by divorced parents than raised with a dysfunctional marriage as their template for their own future marriage. Remember the old saying, children live what they learn.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 06:43 AM
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

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Originally Posted by WhiskeyVictor View Post
I just wrote a really long reply and accidentally closed the page so I'll try to it again.

Thank you for your advice. You are correct, I give in too easy and need to be stronger. I have always done things for myself but in a marriage I expect for my husband to be willing to help. I do a lot and do not ask for much so when I ask him to do something, ask again and again I think it's jus easier to do it myself. I did not used to be like this, I have lost myself trying to keep this family together.
When it all happened, I was broken inside. I wondered if he married me because it knew it wasn't real. Sitting in the court room with the papers his lawyer drew up I thought if he left me tomorrow with nothing I would not be surprised. I wondered if he waited 4 days after I separated because he knew I would be helpless and hopeless. I have been rebuilding and doing everything I can to have it together for my girls in the future. I do not want them to see me bitter towards him everyday because I can not stand him anymore. Life is too short and they are too impressionable, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't throwing in the towel too easy.
Whiskey, what's important is that from here on you do what you know to be best for you and your children.

Expecting a partnership is a very valid and real expectation. Unfortunately, he is just not cut out for it.

You've learned lot, much of it has been unpleasant, and you have a ways to go. But you seem to have a very persevering attitude, and I think you will really be ok. One day at a time.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-14-2016, 10:05 PM
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

This guy is an anchor, which is exactly what they should use him for on the next deployment.

You need to start making arrangements for your life after him. Are you entertaining any notions of enlisting again? If so, do it before you are divorced. Single parents are not eligible for enlistment into active duty (even prior service like you), but can still get into the reserves and national guard.

If you have no intention of ever enlisting, screen your med records and apply for VA compensation and pension benefits. This may get you some extra per month plus some access to health care.

Also, are you using traditional or post 9/11 GI Bill?

Sorry you are here.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-16-2016, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

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This guy is an anchor, which is exactly what they should use him for on the next deployment.

You need to start making arrangements for your life after him. Are you entertaining any notions of enlisting again? If so, do it before you are divorced. Single parents are not eligible for enlistment into active duty (even prior service like you), but can still get into the reserves and national guard.

If you have no intention of ever enlisting, screen your med records and apply for VA compensation and pension benefits. This may get you some extra per month plus some access to health care.

Also, are you using traditional or post 9/11 GI Bill?

Sorry you are here.
I am using the Post 9/11 GI Bill. I am making arrangements but we are only here for another 7 months (PCS) back to the mainland so that's the biggest thing I am trying to figure out. I want to buy a house so that I don't have to move and move again so the kids at least have that stability, but of course I'd have to hope he's not bitter and interfere with that.
I thought about reenlisting or going back officer maybe. Getting out has been a huge regret
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 12:55 AM
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Re: Would Like to Hear Your Thoughts

Okay, so you have 36 months of benefits with the post 9/11. How long until the degree is done? How many months of benefits?

You need to establish a clear plan with all of those factors.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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