Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-19-2011, 06:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 56
Default Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce

I'll try to be brief.

Married at young age, 14 yr old daughter, fine financially.

We have long struggled with intimacy & sex, jsut never came easy for us.

Many years ago it reached a boiling point. We had discussed it numerous times. One day I had the melt down of all melt downs. I sobbed and cried and told her it had to end, we had to fix it, I couldn't live this way any more. I couldn't love someone and not be emotionally and physically intimate with them. This is not a sex problem exclusively, it is touching, kissing, cuddling, shares inner most secrets/feelings/ambitions - and yes - making passionate love as well as physical sex.

Well I think it scared her, she started to submit to my advances, but the sex was hollow, absent of desire. It was like masturbating with her body instead of my hand. She would never initiate. Eventually I decided I would not initiate to see what happened. We are now coming up on our 5th year of ZERO sex.

I have since become involved in an affair. I met a woman in a similar situation and our physical affair has since evolved into one that is very emotional. We have definitely fallen for one another. She has since divorced and has been seeing only me while single for over a year.

My wife caught wind of it. nothing definitive, but enough to inquire. I considered lying, but I confessed on the physical side of it, not the emotional aspects. I had dreaded the d-day forever, guilt and worry were constant, but I could not stop the affair and be faithful to my loveless marriage. Much to my surprise she said she understood, wanted it to stop, felt we could fix all of our problems. I don't believe her. I think she enjoys our lifestyle (I make a healthy salary) and it fearful of the change. I do not believe she loves me. I know I don't love her that way any more.

It has been nearly 5 months since the affair was discovered. I have not stopped and she has not once inquired about it.

I am almost certain she is not having an affair. I don't think I would care if she was.

I think my best action is to get through the holidays, communicate my intent to divorce, and move on. If things work out with my OW it would be great. If they don't I will continue to search for someone compatible.

Please let me know any thoughts and what you would do.

I've asked this before, I know many people - especially betrayed spouses, want to rake me over the coals. I don't mind people doing so but only ask that you also offer advice on how to proceed given what is done is done - her actions and mine.

I have seen two therapist......but stopped. The both tell me to leave. I would have left long ago, but I am terrified of hurting my daughter.

Thanks!
mr_confused is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-19-2011, 11:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Intermountain West
Posts: 936
Default Re: Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr_confused View Post
I'll try to be brief.

Married at young age, 14 yr old daughter, fine financially.

We have long struggled with intimacy & sex, jsut never came easy for us.

Many years ago it reached a boiling point. We had discussed it numerous times. One day I had the melt down of all melt downs. I sobbed and cried and told her it had to end, we had to fix it, I couldn't live this way any more. I couldn't love someone and not be emotionally and physically intimate with them. This is not a sex problem exclusively, it is touching, kissing, cuddling, shares inner most secrets/feelings/ambitions - and yes - making passionate love as well as physical sex.

Well I think it scared her, she started to submit to my advances, but the sex was hollow, absent of desire. It was like masturbating with her body instead of my hand. She would never initiate. Eventually I decided I would not initiate to see what happened. We are now coming up on our 5th year of ZERO sex.

I have since become involved in an affair. I met a woman in a similar situation and our physical affair has since evolved into one that is very emotional. We have definitely fallen for one another. She has since divorced and has been seeing only me while single for over a year.

My wife caught wind of it. nothing definitive, but enough to inquire. I considered lying, but I confessed on the physical side of it, not the emotional aspects. I had dreaded the d-day forever, guilt and worry were constant, but I could not stop the affair and be faithful to my loveless marriage. Much to my surprise she said she understood, wanted it to stop, felt we could fix all of our problems. I don't believe her. I think she enjoys our lifestyle (I make a healthy salary) and it fearful of the change. I do not believe she loves me. I know I don't love her that way any more.

It has been nearly 5 months since the affair was discovered. I have not stopped and she has not once inquired about it.

I am almost certain she is not having an affair. I don't think I would care if she was.

I think my best action is to get through the holidays, communicate my intent to divorce, and move on. If things work out with my OW it would be great. If they don't I will continue to search for someone compatible.

Please let me know any thoughts and what you would do.

I've asked this before, I know many people - especially betrayed spouses, want to rake me over the coals. I don't mind people doing so but only ask that you also offer advice on how to proceed given what is done is done - her actions and mine.

I have seen two therapist......but stopped. The both tell me to leave. I would have left long ago, but I am terrified of hurting my daughter.

Thanks!
I don't blame you. I would understand in this case, but the fact remains. Divorce her. She's been riding the gravy train for too long.

Sorry - but a sexless marriage is a form of spousal abuse. This should be put up with no less than physical, mental forms of abuse.

Situations happen. Things that are fixable should be. When a person avoids something that can be fixed, they've lost their right to remain in the marriage.

Tell her to pack her sh*t and don't let the door hit her in the behind.
Dadof3 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-21-2011, 01:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1
Default Re: Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce

After 5 years with no sex or emotional connection it seems clear that it's time to move on. I am impressed that you lasted that long in the marriage. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't seem like there is a chance of that in your marriage.
dancinggirl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-21-2011, 03:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 380
Default Re: Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce

mr confused- Ordinarily, you do get raked over the coals for cheating. Bad, bad, naughty mr confused.

You definitely should have gone ahead and gotten a divorce before you had the affair. But, actually, you should have gotten a divorce even before that, when your wife had cut you off for a year or so.

So, any dogging you deserve goes mainly in the "what took you so long?" vein. Consider yourself flogged brutally with a fluffy pillow.

Advice on how to proceed?

File for divorce. The fact that your wife hit you up about the affair, and was understanding rather than so mad she couldn't see straight, is pretty revealing. Add in the fact that she hasn't asked about it in months, nor stepped up to the plate with a plan to increase intimacy in the relationship, and you really can only reach the conclusion that she is in it for the money. Your money.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's okay to be in it for the economics but it is considered good manners to bring something to the table in exchange for having your bills paid. Your wife isn't doing that. You're just a meal ticket to her.

So divorce the woman who doesn't like you enough to have sex with you, and go have a relationship with the one who does.

You might also give therapy a third try, with the intent of working on how to establish boundaries in a relationship, and communication of your needs and wants.
NotLikeYou is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-21-2011, 11:43 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
alphaomega's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,427
Default Re: Sexless marriage, affair, consideirng divorce

Friend,

You passed up five years of life and living. Five years you could be having freaky passionate monkey sex with someone that's actually into you.

I wouldn't have made it passed three or four months without blowing up.

The affair part is bad. Yes.

Divorce already. For both you and your wife's sake.
Posted via Mobile Device
alphaomega is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Sexless Marriage... Sexless Relationship LonelyWife11 Sex in Marriage 17 01-12-2014 07:58 PM
Sexless, cheating, possible divorce Hurting one Sex in Marriage 7 09-10-2012 11:33 AM
Husband had a sexless affair purple velvet Coping with Infidelity 51 02-07-2012 10:33 PM
Sexless marriage, affair, now what? mr_confused Considering Divorce or Separation 1 10-26-2011 06:04 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:39 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.