need some sound advice

d8n0g · 11-27-2011, 02:30 PM

Hello,

I have been married for nine years and three weeks ago my wife said she wants a divorce. she say's she has never felt a connection. I haven't been the best husband, I must admit but there has never been any cheating on my part. I have been blind to my wifes needs after for nine years and didn't realize it until she was done.
My wife has had a hard life and is in therapy right now. Actually she was doing sand therapy and said she felt different after that session. Her therapist doesn't agree with what she is doing. In a nutshell she has never experienced any freedom and say's she wants to be selfish for now, and is seeing someone. She realizes that asking me to be her best friend is selfish.
She thinks that if she lets me back in we'll be in the same spot in six months, and she doesn't trust me emotionally, and feels nothing for me romantically for me. I'm ashamed of myself for never loving my wife the way a woman should be loved, and I was never the spiritual leader in our relationship. I have seen the error of my ways and want to be a real husband-and yes it took me nine years! Will I truly redeem myself here by sticking by her side, and crying my eyes out, feeling ripped apart (feeling what she felt for 9 years)? Also, she says she's not filing papers out of respect for my feelings. We also have an adopted three year old who knows that there is something going on.

Please ask any questions-I need real advice

Mindful Coach · 11-27-2011, 02:50 PM

Unfortunately you can't change people and it sounds as if she is using every excuse she can think of to justify having an affair. To just drop a bombshell like that on you, without first trying to work it out - especially with a three year old in question, this just doesn't sound right.

d8n0g · 11-27-2011, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mindful Coach

Unfortunately you can't change people and it sounds as if she is using every excuse she can think of to justify having an affair. To just drop a bombshell like that on you, without first trying to work it out - especially with a three year old in question, this just doesn't sound right.

Thanks, i'm not mr. Innocent but what she's doing doesnt sit right with me either. The only thing that feels righ to me is to stand by her side and show support-is that pathetic or just someone who loves his wife unconditionally? I feel if i give her hell i'm only going to push her away. Right now she's sick and i'm taking care of her-that man isn't going to do that. Also, she said last night that she misses me and two days ago that she loves me. No one supports her in this and i feel like a fool for still loving her. I've seen it written all over her face that she still has feelings, and doesn't want to hear that our marriage is salvageable. This man is going through a divorce himself? Speaking of this man, she says he had nothing to do with out split and was after the fact.
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d8n0g · 11-28-2011, 03:07 PM

bump...

Mindful Coach · 11-28-2011, 04:08 PM

She says she loves you and that she misses you. That's good news. Is it enough to leave this other man? You can be very kind and loving and still set boundaries. For example, it's you or the other man. If she is going to see him, then as much as you love her, ask her to move out until she ditches that other man. Standing by her while she treats you badly just encourages disrespect and that isn't going to help you in the future. I'm not saying give her a hard time, just stand up for yourself in a kind and clear manner.