Married 3 months but I'm Finished - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Married 3 months but I'm Finished

Hi

I have been married to my wife now for 3 months. We dated for around 6 months and they were the best 6 months of my life! Since we got engaged we have basically been fighting every day!

My wife was a single mother and brought into the relationship a 2 year old and no money. I brought into the relationship a small dog and my money. I paid for our wedding and 90% of our living expenses.

There are a lot of things about my relationship that bothers me and there is no way I can mention them all in one thread, but nothing makes me want to back out more then when my wife gets upset or annoyed about something so she shuts me out!

Just tonight we had a nice dinner and a nice conversation and we were supposed to lay in bed and watch a TV show together but she became upset that my dog was sitting under the table and I didn't make her go away. She told the dog to go away twice and I didn't back her up. (Since we were eating dinner there was practically zero chance of making my dog go away).

Now that something has upset my wife she has shut me out and is watching a TV show on her computer by herself. Whenever I do something that upsets her she pushes me away. I have tolerated this for a long time but it hurts and it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to be in.

I'm not sure what to do. Should I be trying to accommodate her more?
I think her reacting by shutting me out is very unhealthy, am I wrong?
Is there a way I can talk to her about this without making things worse?

I would love to hear what you guys think'

Thanks

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 01:16 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

You are not wrong, communication is key to any relationship.

Do you have a dog cage you can put the dog in when you eat or outside? I do that with mine. For that matter she could have put the dog out ro in another room herself.

The wife however is acting a bit childish IMO, does she always act this way when she doe snot get what she wants?



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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 01:20 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

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Originally Posted by doron85 View Post
Hi

I have been married to my wife now for 3 months. We dated for around 6 months and they were the best 6 months of my life! Since we got engaged we have basically been fighting every day!

My wife was a single mother and brought into the relationship a 2 year old and no money. I brought into the relationship a small dog and my money. I paid for our wedding and 90% of our living expenses.

There are a lot of things about my relationship that bothers me and there is no way I can mention them all in one thread, but nothing makes me want to back out more then when my wife gets upset or annoyed about something so she shuts me out!

Just tonight we had a nice dinner and a nice conversation and we were supposed to lay in bed and watch a TV show together but she became upset that my dog was sitting under the table and I didn't make her go away. She told the dog to go away twice and I didn't back her up. (Since we were eating dinner there was practically zero chance of making my dog go away).

Now that something has upset my wife she has shut me out and is watching a TV show on her computer by herself. Whenever I do something that upsets her she pushes me away. I have tolerated this for a long time but it hurts and it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship to be in.

I'm not sure what to do. Should I be trying to accommodate her more?
I think her reacting by shutting me out is very unhealthy, am I wrong?
Is there a way I can talk to her about this without making things worse?

I would love to hear what you guys think'

Thanks
I think you don't value your wife very much.
I think it's normal for her to move away from her if she feels you are mistreating her.
I think you should work on communication with your wife and try to come to unity in what you both think will make the marriage work.

There are many materials out there that you two can use to build your marriage. Relationships take effort from both people. It is healthy for you to look into how to do that and to work with your wife to make it happen.

Regarding the finances, you knew she was broke when you married her. Now you are bringing up finances as if you are resentful of paying for pretty much everything, including the wedding. You paid for the wedding, because you were in love. Now you seem to regret your gift. Too late. Stop holding it against her and stop holding her financial position against her. If you think she needs to contribute more financially to the family finances, then talk with her about it and work together to find a solution. Maybe she could go back to school and develop the skills she needs to make it worth while. Going back to work with a child who needs care during work can making working pointless, as childcare costs can be as much as a person is making at the job, especially when you consider all the other expenses associated with working.

Maybe you could brainstorm and come up with something that she could do from home. Does she love children? Maybe she could have an in-home daycare. Is there anything she loves to do that can be done for profit from home? Maybe you could work together to make a plan for how she could develop skills for this or to start a business.

It sounds to me that now the fun has worn off and real life has taken its place. It's time to start thinking about how to make it work before you even consider trying to figure out how to bail on her.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

How old are the two of you?

Many relationships in your / her pasts?
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

Dated 6 months?
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
I think you don't value your wife very much.
I think it's normal for her to move away from her if she feels you are mistreating her.
I think you should work on communication with your wife and try to come to unity in what you both think will make the marriage work.

There are many materials out there that you two can use to build your marriage. Relationships take effort from both people. It is healthy for you to look into how to do that and to work with your wife to make it happen.

Regarding the finances, you knew she was broke when you married her. Now you are bringing up finances as if you are resentful of paying for pretty much everything, including the wedding. You paid for the wedding, because you were in love. Now you seem to regret your gift. Too late. Stop holding it against her and stop holding her financial position against her. If you think she needs to contribute more financially to the family finances, then talk with her about it and work together to find a solution. Maybe she could go back to school and develop the skills she needs to make it worth while. Going back to work with a child who needs care during work can making working pointless, as childcare costs can be as much as a person is making at the job, especially when you consider all the other expenses associated with working.

Maybe you could brainstorm and come up with something that she could do from home. Does she love children? Maybe she could have an in-home daycare. Is there anything she loves to do that can be done for profit from home? Maybe you could work together to make a plan for how she could develop skills for this or to start a business.

It sounds to me that now the fun has worn off and real life has taken its place. It's time to start thinking about how to make it work before you even consider trying to figure out how to bail on her.
If you hadn't quoted his post, I'd think that we read different posts.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

Communication only works when it works two way. You talk and you listen , she listens and she talks. If she is unwilling to come to the table and talk, even the next day or the next week, then you will be forced to motivate her to come to the table. The safest way to motivate her is to initiate a trial separation.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 02:08 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

You married the wrong person. DO NOT get her pregnant. Make sure of the method of birth control. She will tell you the pills "must not have worked". Then you are stuck. For 18 years.

If things do not improve in 6-12 months, time to move along.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 02:09 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Your wife sounds immature and you probably just need to work on communication. Can you ask your wife, when she straightens up and talks to you, if the two of you can go to marriage counseling together? Try that first before you go throwing the marriage away.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

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She told the dog to go away twice and I didn't back her up. (Since we were eating dinner there was practically zero chance of making my dog go away).
The dog has trained you well.

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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 02:45 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

You dated for 6 months and they were the best of your life?
Is that why you proposed so quickly?

The first year of living together is the hardest.
There were many times when I wanted to break up with my husband, he drove me insane with his messy behaviour.
But we worked it out through talking and compromising.

Are you dismissive of your wife?
I shut out my husband when he doesn't take my issues seriously.
The dog thing may annoy you, but can't you take her issue seriously and feed the dog the same time you have dinner?
That way the dog will be distracted and not beg under the table.

If she's annoyed or upset try discussing a solution rather than being dismissive of her issue.

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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 07:46 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

If this relationship fails this quickly, why would you expect any other you have to succeed?

People react in all kinds of unhealthy ways. Building a relationship means dealing with each other's baggage and working through issues.

Yes she's acting childish. But suggesting that there was no way to deal with the dog is also childish. Of course you could have gotten up, put the dog in another room or cage, and continued your meal.

That solution to the dog problem wasn't obvious to you and a different reaction about it wasn't obvious to her. It just means you need to let the other know what you're thinking, and also offer constructive solutions to the problems.

Go tell her you didn't like the whole interaction and want to talk about it to see how to both respond in a way that is more considerate of the other next time


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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 07:54 PM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
If you hadn't quoted his post, I'd think that we read different posts.
That's because we read it differently and come from two different perspectives. That's one of the things I like about TAM. I enjoy reading other points of view and seeing from a different angle.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 06:46 AM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

Hello! what u r describing is behaviour that happens in the beginning of a relationship hence you have been together only 9 months and you would expect an immature relationship to have immature behaviour. After a few more years together , you start to realise that small things like that just don't even matter and you just solve the matter yourself, you get over the sulking. I've know my husband for 8 years and I remember the first few years of our immature ways of dealing with being annoyed at each other, like you have described. We soon realised that it's unproductive and doesn't solve anything. You just need to grow together, it's so early to give up.


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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 07:57 AM
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Re: Married 3 months but I'm Finished

Are you telling me that the dog acted differently before you started dating or got married. ???

Are you telling me that in the time before you got married she never ate in the same room with the dog???

if this is her reaction on not immediately getting her way, forget the dog issue and think about what its goiong to be like when you have some more difficult disagreements.??
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