Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
My husband is an investment banker and travels a lot on business. He works late, especially when he travels on business. The last few weeks we've been working on our marriage and I thought it was going really well. Then I looked at his iPad the other day. The internet history had just been deleted after his business trip to Denver, but he didn't delete the YouTube app history. He made a search for Denver prostitutes and watched 10 some related videos on it. I know he has used at least a few escorts prior to our marriage. He claims that he "saw a bunch of prostitutes" out in front of his (fancy) hotel on the way back from the office and was just interested. I don't believe him because I know from previous incidences that he has no problem directly lying to cover things up - even things like relationships that happened prior to our meeting. (He had a previous relationship with the wife of our best couple friend. It caused friction for three years because I could sense some sort of chemistry between them. He told me I was crazy for three years until I finally said I wouldn't hang out with them anymore. A couple months later another friend of ours let it slip that my husband and her used to date.) Is there any chance that he was just looking because he was curious? I can't bring myself to believe him because I've had a gut feeling that he cheats occasionally for some time now. Plus I've found many minor infractions without looking, which suggests to me I'm just missing the big picture. Mostly though, I feel there is absolutely no reason to be looking up prostitutes in the specific area you're away on a business trip at! He's begging me to believe him. Says he was just curious and he deleted the internet history because he was also looking at porn (which I don't really care about). He offered to let me look through all his bank accounts, phone records, etc., and said he will never delete his browser history again, but I still can't bring myself to believe him. I feel it's such a lame excuse I AT LEAST want him to admit that he was at least vaguely considering the idea of hiring an escort and cheating on me.
I don't know what to do now. I looked at his bank account. There's nothing especially suspicious. He always carries around a couple hundred dollars cash and he didn't have an especially large amount it seems before he left for Denver. Unless he has a secret bank account. Knowing his tastes, he would have needed a lot more than $100-$200 for an escort. Please give me your advice. I don't know how I can trust him again and I really don't feel like putting him on a cash allowance every time he travels for business. Right now, I can't really imagine being intimate with him again - I'm too convinced that if he didn't sleep with an escort this time (either because he was too tired or didn't find one good looking enough), he probably has before. Help.
Background: We've been together five years, married three. The last six months we've been having some marital problems. We didn't talk much except about work, babies and necessities. He's busy and stressed, I'm stressed (we have 11 month old twins). I've been considering leaving for a few months and finally told him. He said it was all me attacking him/nagging at him and I had to change. I told him I'd been working as hard as I could to fix it and if it was all me causing it, I have to leave, because there is nothing else I can do. He agreed to work on it and for the last few weeks everything had, I thought, been going great. We've been connecting a lot more, having more talks, he's been helping out more around the house, etc.
Re: Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
He would never risk calling an escort agency with his work blackberry so I considered that a pointless offering. The only other phone he could use is the hotel phone. I'd ask for copies of his hotel bills, but the one or two I've looked at don't seem to log phone calls. (They wouldn't unless it is long distance, right?) Thanks for the iPad advice.
Re: Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
From past experience I wouldn't confront or say a word until I had proof in hand. It sounds as though you definitely have cause for concern.
How well is his expense account scrutinized at work? When I worked in a large accounting department, it was amazing at what some of the men tried to turn in. Perhaps he has a phone and/or e-mail you don't know about. There may even be a secret credit card account. My estranged husband did those things to cover his tracks. My estranged husband even maintained a post office box in another city to keep me off his trail.
Re: Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
Quote:
He claims that he "saw a bunch of prostitutes" out in front of his (fancy) hotel on the way back from the office and was just interested.
And this was an acceptable explanation?
It boggles my mind what some women put up with.
Admitting to a problem and moving on with forgiveness is one thing, but denial and and nothing to work with is another.
If my husband admitted to being "interested" in prostitutes and showed no remorse and saw nothing wrong with it and was making me look crazy there would be serious effin problems. Problems I'm not sure I could ever resolve within myself. I would leave that sob in a second. My heart goes out to women who have to deal with this. Be really strong. It sucks that today you can't trust a man who travels on business.
Re: Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
Quote:
Originally Posted by aburns
I don't know what to do now. I looked at his bank account. There's nothing especially suspicious. He always carries around a couple hundred dollars cash and he didn't have an especially large amount it seems before he left for Denver. Unless he has a secret bank account. Knowing his tastes, he would have needed a lot more than $100-$200 for an escort. Please give me your advice. I don't know how I can trust him again and I really don't feel like putting him on a cash allowance every time he travels for business. Right now, I can't really imagine being intimate with him again - I'm too convinced that if he didn't sleep with an escort this time (either because he was too tired or didn't find one good looking enough), he probably has before. Help.
$100-200 is sufficient. There are exceptional values to be found at some bargain places (as you may have noticed when you go shopping in general.)
Some can even charge to his or his company's credit card under some innocent looking entry.
Re: Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
I DIDN'T believe his story about seeing a couple of prostitutes and being curious. In fact, I told him that was the lamest thing I've ever heard in my life and to try again. But he kept insulting me with the same sad story.
I did what almostrecovered suggested. I popped over to his office for lunch (surprise), looked at his iPhone while he was on a business call, and there was a couple of Denver escort sites shown in the advanced section of the phone. Nothing else. I didn't tell him what I found, I made him tell me. He admitted to looking at escort sites in both Denver and Dallas while on business trips. Only since getting an iPad a few months ago. (He really would never use a blackberry, work computer, or a work account for such activity - he's incredibly paranoid about such things because he is an i-banker, everything he does work wise is screened by a securities officer at the bank, everything). Both times he considered getting an escort and he even called a couple of numbers from the hotel phone. He claims no one picked up both times and he wasn't brave enough to leave a message.
I seem to now have quite a bit of evidence, and yet not know what to do. Do I just assume he cheated and go from there? See if I can ever trust him again? Continue to refuse to believe him until he finally admits that he at one point or another, did hire an escort? He offered me carte blanche to control his internet, money, etc., but of course it's ridiculous to think of doing it long term. I just don't want to jump to any immediate action because we have two babies together now.
Apparantly gaslighting victims (which is precisely what the three years of lying to me about our mutual friend involved) are also quite succeptable to being cheated or almost cheated on.
Re: Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
Quote:
Originally Posted by aburns
I DIDN'T believe his story about seeing a couple of prostitutes and being curious. In fact, I told him that was the lamest thing I've ever heard in my life and to try again. But he kept insulting me with the same sad story.
I did what almostrecovered suggested. I popped over to his office for lunch (surprise), looked at his iPhone while he was on a business call, and there was a couple of Denver escort sites shown in the advanced section of the phone. Nothing else. I didn't tell him what I found, I made him tell me. He admitted to looking at escort sites in both Denver and Dallas while on business trips. Only since getting an iPad a few months ago. (He really would never use a blackberry, work computer, or a work account for such activity - he's incredibly paranoid about such things because he is an i-banker, everything he does work wise is screened by a securities officer at the bank, everything). Both times he considered getting an escort and he even called a couple of numbers from the hotel phone. He claims no one picked up both times and he wasn't brave enough to leave a message.
I seem to now have quite a bit of evidence, and yet not know what to do. Do I just assume he cheated and go from there? See if I can ever trust him again? Continue to refuse to believe him until he finally admits that he at one point or another, did hire an escort? He offered me carte blanche to control his internet, money, etc., but of course it's ridiculous to think of doing it long term. I just don't want to jump to any immediate action because we have two babies together now.
Apparantly gaslighting victims (which is precisely what the three years of lying to me about our mutual friend involved) are also quite succeptable to being cheated or almost cheated on.
He has proven to be a liar for 3 solid years. Why on Earth would you think he is suddenly a paragon of truth and virtue now? More importantly, why don't you think you and your twins can do better than a man who lies/cheats and plays you for a fool? Nevermind putting your very life at risk.
No one picked up at the escort service? Those places are manned 24/7 and picked up by the second ring. He is completely lying to you. Also, he didn't use the hotel phone.....he used his throw away phone that neither you or his job knows about. Mark my words.
Re: Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it
Some home truths.
Accept your husband either spends money on escorts or has the desire to see escorts.
Once you have accepted that decide on whether you wish to change the dynamics of your relationship to fit in. If you are open about watching porn, are you also open to enjoying the fantasy and sometimes reality of having multiple sexual partners with your husband?
If you are not open minded, you shouldn't be in a marriage with this person as his history suggests he likes to have multiple partners and that doesn't fit into your character. There are many happy couples who have open relationships.
You might be taken back from the following statement. Escorts often save marriages as the husband can satisfy his sexual desires with other women, desires which he is not getting from his wife. It's better husbands in this situation see escorts than start affairs which can be truly damaging. Unfortunately for you and I sympathise with you, your husband wants to have damaging affairs and see escorts. Unless you are happy with this arrangement or can rectify why your husband is not satisfied with your shared sex life, it's time to be honest to yourself and accept your marriage is over.
Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it 
