Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-08-2009, 07:33 AM Thread Starter
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Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

Short version:
Been together for nearly 10 years, since we were both about 20. Found out he was cheating about 6 months ago, he had an emotional affair w/ one of my "closest friends" and was inappropriate w/ several other women, cheated while i was pregnant, even claims that one person gave him oral sex. He was devastated when I found out, begged for the family, begged for another chance, claimed to be suicidal at the thought of losing his family and our life/lifestyle, went to counseling, got on anti-depressants, started going to church, etc... I had a really difficult time moving forward and wasn't always engaged in the healing process b/c I was so hurt. Now I have "come around" and I'm really trying to repair the marriage. Now he says he's tired of trying, when he was trying I wasn't, and that while I wasn't engaged in the process he did some soul searching and realizes that he is miserable, that's why he cheated. He wants to be single and free, he doesn't want to answer to anyone about anything. Also says the marriage was a mistake and he was too young to get married, he wants to date and have fun now since he traded his 20's in to be married. He will still be there for the kids (10mo, 3yrs, 5.5 yrs old), but feels that marriage in general and being w/ me is holding him back from all of the experiences that life has to offer. I cannot believe this is the person I married, he was never so selfish and callous. I don't know what to do!!! Now I feel like a fool for giving him a chance. He says he knows there are no guarantees in life, but if he stays w/ me he will definitely be miserable but if he takes a chance on his own maybe he'll find happiness. This is all surreal to me, please help!!!

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-08-2009, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

someone, anyone, i need some help-i'm in a crisis!!! i'm in disbelief right now and it is very difficult to handle b/c of the stressors in my life, I have 3 small kids and a job, so i can't have a pity party, i have to keep going on, but it's a whirlwind inside.

Last edited by honey28; 01-08-2009 at 03:07 PM.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-08-2009, 12:52 PM
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Re: Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

I am very sorry to hear this and I feel for you! Do you think he is currently seeing someone or was there one incident that triggered this? Do you think he would consider marriage counseling?

To be what we are and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-08-2009, 12:54 PM
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Re: Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

Your husband is the one who broke his vows of marriage. Betrayed you repeatedly. Risked his family and in the end still puts the blame on you. Shows his selfishness in wanting his own life not that he has brought three children into the world. I’m sorry, cut him lose and move on. He is not showing any positive character here at all. Be as strong as you can and let him know you don’t need him, don’t want him and he should go FFFF….ind himself if that’s what he wants. You deserve much better then him.


Confidence Love Patience Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-08-2009, 02:17 PM
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Re: Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

Ya I agree with Amplexor. I think that you should move on if he is showing you nothing you cant make him stay. I am so sorry to hear all of this but please dont suffer and make yourself feel worst.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-08-2009, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

We did try counseling, got more active in the church, really focused on the marriage when the affair was first revealed. Everything was complicated by the fact that we had a newborn baby and he had a "mental breakdown" when i found out and claimed he was going to committ suicide and was put on anti-depressants. So I never had a chance to put him out, grieve, and "decide" to take him back or not. I immediately went into caretaker mode when he had his breakdown, agreed to counseling, etc... and we started working on things. Well when he regained his mental stability (if you will) and started to revert back to some of his old attitudes I just mentally checked out of the process. Now he blames me. He says that when he was trying, I wasn't, I rejected him, etc... and he is just not happy, he can't please me, there is so much more in the world than me, he's finally in a position where he's making 6 figures and moving up in the career ladder, etc... and he's not even 30 so why would he want to continue to be tied down and restricted by me when he can have all the wonderful things that the world has to offer. I was dumbfounded listening to him, thinking who are you??? do you remember who toiled and sacrificed with you to get to the point that "we" have reached and what about the children, they adore him. all he's concerned about is money and himself. he says, oh i'm gonna always provide for them that's not a question, but being married to me is "optional" and he's ready to opt out. he's treating me like i'm the one who cheated. he is so angry and resentful toward me. but he was the one who wanted to get married and w/ each of the pregnancy's i was a litte depressed and he would be the one saying, don't worry about it baby we can have 10 kids, we'll be together 4ever, point is i didn't trap him or trick him, he chose this life now he's mad at me for his/both our choices. I'm so confused, but I'm preparing myself and my children for life w/out him.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-20-2009, 12:29 PM
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Re: Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

From a religious perspective.. your husband has abandoned you and has committed adultry against you. God will not be mad at you if you do divorce your husband.. but be careful to still be the bigger person and be loving about it.
If you believe in God, then you have to believe and trust that God will also take care of you during this difficult situation. God works to the good of those that love him and are called according to his purpose.

It is worth trying to have your husband read "The Love Dare". He may reject the idea.. but it may give HIM some valuable insight into what is going on with him. Which may in turn re-commit him to the marriage. It's a long-shot.. but worth trying.

Hang in there! I'm about 99% sure my marriage is ending and have a 3 yr old, 1 yr old and 1 on the way. It really sucks. And it's really painful when you know what's best for the kids is for him to be present in their lives and be part of the family.. but they just won't cooperate with that.

I give you a lot of credit for giving him a 2nd chance. The sad thing is he will never find what he is looking for because he is chasing after the world. He will come up empty handed and never be happy. He will realize this of course when it is too late and you have moved on. God will bring him into accountability at some point in his life.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-20-2009, 07:42 PM
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Re: Husband wants a divorce, after he cheats, 3 small kids-please help!!!

When a spouse is at the point of wanting out..there is often nothing you can do but back off. You've tried the "works." Now he's finished trying after 6 months. I guess it was to difficult to put the work in (poor baby).

You are a busy mom with a job. Hang in there. I know you don't have any choice. If you get a chance read the book by Dr. Dobson, When Love Must be Tough (I have a thread here). It's an easy read and give you some advice/input on letting the spouse go, when he wants out. It aims at marriage restoration, however, there is always a risk when "letting go." They may never get it or come back. I am doing it myself.
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