Need advice before divorcing - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #46 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 08:20 AM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

You never really get over childhood issues. They are forever a part of who you are, how you think. All you can do is recognize the stuff and learn healthy ways to deal with them. For instance, you picked a partner without boundaries with parents, just like you had, secretly hoping she'd do better so you could feel at peace finally, as GTLYW suggests. But when she didn't, you could have learned your role in the triangle and guided your wife toward healthier boundaries, rather than just blaming and resenting her.

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post #47 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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you could have learned your role in the triangle and guided your wife toward healthier boundaries, rather than just blaming and resenting her.
Keep in mind, I did not disclose this to her till 5 months ago, 3 years after I initially tried to bring her into counseling for her depressive and self harming nature.

It's not my job to make sure she doesn't drink a 5 liters of wine ever 4 days, smoke a package a day and work for 20 hours a week at minimum wage despite a graduate degree. She simply refused to help herself in any positive way over the course of 6 years. It's not my job to drag her through life while trying to self care for myself, while also running a business. I take action.

No kids, 32 years old, 5'7"/115lbs, 4.0 graduate degree in Instructional Leadership, living in a major city with employment opportunities. No obstacle in her way expect for her own mindset. I don't take excuses, I take action.

Last edited by 53791263; 12-29-2016 at 02:07 PM.
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post #48 of 64 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 01:30 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

I'm not blaming you for what happened in the past. I'm showing you how educating yourself can help you make healthier choices.
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post #49 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

UPDATE: I've had better days.

Today was the alimony hearing. We both have our own attorneys, which is stupid looking at it now because we have no children, no savings, only a house with $20k in equity.

So these lawyers (which I ****in' hate like only a combat veteran could) Are purposefully bragging things out. Acting all chum chum and aloof about things and colluding with each other to bring us to additional alimony hearings and demanding additional retainers to attend them. I told my wife that we should fire them while the damage is small, it's going to double by the time they schedule the master hearing! Told her, lets fire them and I'll pay for the arbitrator to handle the rest. The ex is a loud mouth drunk with a huge ego and just talks non-stop then hangs up the phone when I try to explain. God am I pissed. By the time this is over she is going to give every penny she gets to her attorney, and she won't even listen to my reasoning!

The question:

-Married 6 years.

ME: -No college degree -First 5 years I grossed $50k. -In 2016 made $130k as a realtor. - No salary, all commission since I became a realtor. -36 years old. -no kids. -healthy
-18 years military -Paid $40k in GI Bill for my wife's masters degree -Pay all housing and living expenses, always have.

HER: - 33 years old -Grossed an average of $5k over the last 5 years. -I supported her while she attended the graduate program I paid for for 3 of those years. -no kids -healthy (looking) 4.0 GPA MS degree in Instructional Leadership, not using. -Earns $10 per hr working 15 hours a week.


Her attorney told her that I could be made to pay $1,500 a month for 2 years. This seems absolutely insane and I'll go to jail before I pay it. I bought the house myself before marriage and commingled it when we refinanced, HUGE MISTAKE.

No kids, only a house as an asset. She has a masters degree and is 33 years old, does it sound right that I could pay this drunken women $1,500 a month in alimony!!!? I'm in PA. A loud mouthed drunken ***** that smokes a pack a day with a master degree that I paid for, F#ck if I'm going to pay her $1,500 a month just so she can be a layabout piece of **** for two years. If I seem angry, it's much more than that. I worked my ass off for 6 years waiting for her to 'snap out of it', equipped her with every tool she needed to fend for herself.
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post #50 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

I dont see why she would be granted alimony. Only married 6 years, no children, and she is educated and fully capable of holding a full time job. Keep your attorney. As unstable as she is, there is no way you will get through this in a normal, amicable manner, even though you dont have much between you. I would be shocked if she didnt make this a huge ordeal.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #51 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

2 years alimony on a 6 year marriage, when you made six figures that last year.. I think you got away cheap.

You might not like it but you were the breadwinner, and the courts see this as a way to give her a couple of years to get back out into the workforce and becoming self sufficient.

I know you're pissed but the laws were there even before you got married. The courts didn't tell you to get married but they're going to tell you how to get divorced and her attorneys is just giving her the best case scenario as to what she can expect. It might be a bit unreasonable but the seed has been planted in her head and now that it's there she probably won't settle for anything less.

2 years goes fast. Just be glad you weren't married for 10 years because that's considered a long term marriage by many courts and you could have been on the hook a lot longer.

Just checked my "source" and this is what it says for your state in regard to alimony as far as contested divorce cases go:

When asked how long it would take a couple with standard disputes regarding custody, child support, property division, and alimony to have all of these issues resolved at a first trial (i.e., not including any appeals), attorneys gave answers ranging from 3-5 years.

"If there is no agreement between the spouses," said Pollock, "Pennsylvania requires a two-year separation, which generally means a two-year waiting period to start the process, though some counties allow the equitable distribution case to start after 18 months. A trial on the economic divorce could be within 12-18 months following the commencement of the action."

[Note that it seems that more or less any Pennsylvania divorce litigant could get up to three years of alimony because it takes that long to get to a trial on the issue and interim support would flow in the meantime.]


You may also be ordered to pay her legal fees.

Pennsylvania family court judges have the power to order one spouse to pay the other spouse's attorneys' fees.

I'm sure your wife's attorney told her this, she was probably told you WILL be ordered to pay the legal fees even if this is not certain.

So your wife has no reason to bargain with you. She holds the cards, as do most women when the husband is the breadwinner. Now you understand why men are usually screwed in a divorce.

Last edited by browser; 03-16-2017 at 09:12 PM.
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post #52 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

Now I feel completely justified for throwing away every piece of clothing that she had in her closet a few hours ago. Thanks. She can use the alimony to start over fresh with new clothes. I'll throw more **** away tomorrow when I wake up full of anger and rage again. They can play their games, I'll play mine. See if I can't turn her into a lesbian, have her swear off guys all together. You'd think a ***** would want to save her sanity and emotional stability for future relationships, but I'll take all that in exchange for a little money

And I can't wait to write some of the most scathing reviews imaginable on social media about my attorney.

The heat I'm expending on this one is on par with a nuclear warhead and just as forgiving.

Last edited by 53791263; 03-16-2017 at 10:45 PM.
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post #53 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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Now I feel completely justified for throwing away every piece of clothing that she had in her closet a few hours ago. Thanks. She can use the alimony to start over fresh with new clothes. I'll throw more **** away tomorrow when I wake up full of anger and rage again. They can play their games, I'll play mine. See if I can't turn her into a lesbian, have her swear off guys all together. You'd think a ***** would want to save her sanity and emotional stability for future relationships, but I'll take all that in exchange for a little money

And I can't wait to write some of the most scathing reviews imaginable on social media about my attorney.

The heat I'm expending on this one is on par with a nuclear warhead and just as forgiving.
Back in 11/2016 when you started another thread it was clear you have unresolved anger management issues, and it appears you have not yet addressed them. I suggest you do. ASAP.

Think about how it's going to sound to a judge when your ex says "and he threw away all the clothes in my closet!".

You just might have to pay for them.

I can't disagree with anything you said about your attorney. They're all the same, they push their clients into the boxing ring, knowing full well they'll be paid far more than their clients will ever get from the contested litigation.
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post #54 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

You have much to be angry about. I cannot imagine how awful it all feels.

But do yourself a favor, and reach out for some healthy way to get it off your chest, and not hurt your future self. As much as it sucks right now, there will be a time when your life can be lived without the sorts of constraints imposed on you now. Keep your eye on that possibility, don't sabatoge it, and it will be yours soon enough to be worth it.

Don't let any of this push you to do something destructive. It is not worth it. It's sometimes hard to feel that in the moment, so when you feel hopeless and trapped, focus on venting and coping until the better future starts to feel possible.

I have used privately writing my angst and anger using pen on paper, rapidly, without censoring, and largely illegible. I've also vented to professional therapists. You need something that works. (Besides your lawyer -- I made that mistake once during an IP dispute. Big mi$take!)

It is horribly unfair. But, it is what is -- for now -- until it is behind you. Get through it, and you'll be free and ok.

Take care. This is hard.

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." -- Amy, from Spike Jonze's "Her"
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post #55 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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Back in 11/2016 when you started another thread it was clear you have unresolved anger management issues, and it appears you have not yet addressed them. I suggest you do. ASAP.
I definitely run a little hotter than most people. I like to be in charge of my own destiny. Having nameless functionaries use meaningless calculations to determine my future infuriates me severely.

I'm aware that my anger isn't helping this situation. Once or twice a day I break through it and can think clearly, I try to maintain that attitude, but my mind wanders to what if/worst case scenarios and I get tossed into a rage again.

Back to the gym tonight! Throwing weights around and running endless miles has helped in the past.

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post #56 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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I like to be in charge of my own destiny.
Marriage is not for people who like to maintain control of their lives.

It's completely contradictory.
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post #57 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

I agree with @browser. 2 years of alimony for a SAHM wife? You are getting off cheap. Your situation is proof of the adage: divorce is expensive for a reason - it is worth it.

Stop fighting. Treat the alimony as the cost of an associate's degree in how not to do marriage. Cheap at twice the price.

And get some help with the anger. As other's have said, your future self and future partners will thank you.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #58 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

Is alimony a tax deductible item? I don't know if I should have, but I wrote off the attorney's retainer last year ($1,000). My CPA didn't seem to care, the penalty even if I get audited would be so small it doesn't really matter.

The legal fees for 2017 will be much more substantial. Can I write off divorce legal fees?

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post #59 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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Is alimony a tax deductible item? I don't know if I should have, but I wrote off the attorney's retainer last year ($1,000). My CPA didn't seem to care, the penalty even if I get audited would be so small it doesn't really matter.

The legal fees for 2017 will be much more substantial. Can I write off divorce legal fees?
Yes alimony is tax deductable. Yes you can write off anything.

It's only an issue if the IRS questions it and as long as you can justify it as a valid business expense there should be no issues.
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post #60 of 64 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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Originally Posted by 53791263 View Post
Is alimony a tax deductible item? I don't know if I should have, but I wrote off the attorney's retainer last year ($1,000). My CPA didn't seem to care, the penalty even if I get audited would be so small it doesn't really matter.

The legal fees for 2017 will be much more substantial. Can I write off divorce legal fees?

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No you cannot write off the divorce attorney's fees on your taxes.

Alimony is however tax deductible to you. She will pay taxes on the alimony that she gets.
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