Need advice before divorcing - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Need advice before divorcing

37 yr old male married to a 32 yr old female for 7 years, no kids.

I met my wife in college during a very dark time. I returned from a military deployment and had some minor ptsd. I was in jail twice over 2 years, living in a frat house and getting into fights. She took me in when I really needed it. Since then I've worked hard, recruited for the military for 8 years, then started my own business were I make 6 figures. I bought her a house, I paid for her MS degree and I've sought treatment for her alcoholism (she refused to go, said she would stop, that was 3 years ago). I brought her to marriage counseling 2.5 years ago, she stopped going once the therapist zeroed in on her lack of coping issue and general depressive and highly manipulative mind. I then wen to the VA for therapy for 6 months, they said I was a high functioning adult. They requested that my wife and I start couples therapy, she declined, she's too busy for that.

We don't really connect well or see eye to eye often. Her mothers side of the family has always been a little eccentric and odd. Her mother has become delusional in the past 5 years, she is diagnosed as being delusional, bi-polar and obsessive compulsive. You wouldn't believe how destructive these mental illnesses are, they completely destroy whole families. This is my first experience with it and I was amazed at how bad and completely unmanageable things get. I suspect my wife might have borderline personality disorder or maybe that she is just modeling her mom, since she was exposed to mental illmess her whole life. My wife will go against me on subjects that we are in complete alignment with in private, once in public she will go a completely different direction than what we were once in complete agreement on. When she goes against me on issues like this, in public, it causes me to feel socialy abondoned somewhat, like, what the heck was that for, what did I do to you?

She kicked me out of the house two weeks ago over a fight we had about one of these topics that we were in complete allignment on. I did not yell, but she spit in my face. I still didn't yell, but I told her I was going to have sex with a woman at work that was attracted to me. I would never do that and have never said anything like that before, but I was very angry about just being spit on. She took her rings off and said she was going to pawn them, this was probably the 4th time she's done this in 7 years. She kicked me out and I went to live with a buddy for 4 days. I set up a meeting with a divorce attorney midway through this seperation but she texted me a picture of a suicide note prior to the meeting with the attorney. I called 911 and the cops wanted my to commit her. I refused to show them the suicide note not wanting to embarras her. We have decided to reconcile but it only descended into another fight and know we are separated again.

She drinks a box of wine every 3-4 days and smokes a pack a day. She has a job. She interviews people via Skype for various position, works for a 3rd party HR company. She works 20-25 hours a week, makes enough to pay for her wine, cigarette and subscription beauty products. She probably spends 25-30 hours a week laying in bed watching netflix. then 2 hours a day standing outside smoking cigarettes while staring at her iphone. Basically its from the bed, to the front porch to smoke, to the refrigerator to get more wine, then back to the bed.... all day 2 years ago she was laying on a heating blanket and it gave her this huge grayish bruise all ofer her lower back. It was frightening. Her sister saw once and was like, OMG WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!! I looked at her and, yeah, that's from watching Netflix all day while laying on a heating pad!

After the suicide not incident I basically told everyone in her family and mine every single thing I said here and that we are getting a divorce unless she goes to Dialectical Behavioaral Therapy sessions for at least 6 months. I want to have kids but she needs to do this first. I feel that after exposing all of this to everyone we know that I've caused such damage to the marriage that I'm not sure if things could ever work again. My wife is very kind, she loves everyone. I feel bad about all this because she really is a good person, beautiful and trustworthy. My main issue is her inability to change for the better. She has smoked a pack a day since I met her 10 years ago and dstill drinks the same or more even though she's now 32. I think it's disrespectful to ruin your health and watch that much Netflix when you're married. I've been on her like every week about quiting smoking for 10 years, it's gotten to the point that I basinally hold her in complete contempt for her inability to respect herslef and control her emotions.

I've been reaching out to family about this now and thought I'd get an opinion here too. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and used. All the best


Last edited by 53791263; 11-15-2016 at 03:03 PM.
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post #2 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 05:45 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

I would probably not have kids with this woman, she does not care about herself or you.

You can't force anyone to get help, stop smoking, stop drinking she will have to want that on her own.

I'm sorry but unless she is willing to get the help she needs, your marriage will never get better and bringing children into it will only make it worse for all of you.

Do you go to therapy for yourself?



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post #3 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 05:52 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

You are still relatively young in the grand scheme of things, I know you love this woman, but she is not going to be a great mother and it is likely she has inherited issues from her mom. Whatever you do do not have kids with her. Does she want kids? Does she want to get better? I agree that you need to get yourself help because living with that is difficult. Sounds like you both have issues, if you are threatening to sleep with someone else, that is a very hurtful thing to do to a woman you supposedly care about, she will in no way want to meet you half way after that. Sounds like you add fuel to the fire too?
Give her a deadline to turn herself around, tell her you will be there for her, you love her, etc if not it will be divorce.
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post #4 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

I know that I have said things in retaliation that I shouldn't have. She has a difficult time controlling her emotions, her manipulation and feminine outburst cause me to have an equal masculine outburst sometimes, which is what you would expect. She's wore me down over the years and know we both just go straight to the pain points. Her ego is just so big, she can't get past it.

I'm fairly confident that I could find a great woman that wouldn't mind raising a family with me within a year if we did divorce. I just don't want to wait too long, it's so painful to cut this marriage off but I know deep down it wont go well over the next 40 years if I stay. These problems will only get worse with life's difficulties.
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post #5 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

That sounds terrible. She is obviously unhappy with the marriage and with herself. She will have to hit rock bottom in order to change herself for the better. If you truly love her you will stick with her through the good times and the bad as you promised. She has a mental disorder and you promised to love her in sickness and in health, she is sick right now. If it is too much of a burden to carry this weight around then you need to be honest with her and file for divorce, this may be the "rock bottom" she needs to hit in order to turn her life around. I am going through the same situation except I was the one who had to hit bottom to turn my life around. I agree with @aine "Give her a deadline to turn herself around, tell her you will be there for her, you love her, etc if not it will be divorce." Good luck.
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post #6 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:22 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

I know you feel indebted to her for taking you in when you were having PTSD. I think you've more than paid her back. It's time for you to live your own life and it will never include her. Let her go and find a woman who will lift you up instead of drag you down.
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post #7 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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I know that I have said things in retaliation that I shouldn't have. She has a difficult time controlling her emotions, her manipulation and feminine outburst cause me to have an equal masculine outburst sometimes, which is what you would expect. She's wore me down over the years and know we both just go straight to the pain points. Her ego is just so big, she can't get past it.
You have unrecognized anger management issues. You blame her for almost everything. You say bad things to her "in retaliation". She cannot "control her emotions" so "her outbursts have an equal masculine outburst" which "is what you would expect" because "she wore you down".

Yeah, I'm sure you're the innocent one here but you have no choice because of all the damage she has inflicted on you and anyone would naturally agree. Sorry not buying it.

Obviously I do not agree with your position on conflict. There's no excusing your own actions regardless of what she says and does.

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I told her I was going to have sex with a woman at work that was attracted to me. I would never do that and have never said anything like that before, but I was very angry about just being spit on.
You did it, you said it.. own it.

Your attempt to excuse your actions because of her is just lame and it's really not going to help you in the long run, you'll just be in and out of lots of failed relationships always wondering why you seem to meet "the wrong type of person" while they are undoubtedly saying the same thing about you.

Either way, you lose.

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I called 911 and the cops wanted my to commit her. I refused to show them the suicide note and they left not wanting to embarrass her (a potentially suicidal person)
What does this even mean? You call the cops because you are concerned for her after she supposedly threatened suicide. The cops arrive but for some odd reason you decline to "show them the note" which of course would help the authorities to help her, and then they "leave so as not to embarass her".

Sounds like you're making this stuff up, seriously.

Last edited by browser; 11-15-2016 at 02:35 PM.
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post #8 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:49 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

Let me ask you this, if she never changes at all...would you stay with her?
if is no then the likelihood that she will change is so remote that you are better off leaving and starting a new life. if Yes then precede but i would not bring a child in this world with her.
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post #9 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

"What does this even mean? You call the cops because you are concerned for her after she supposedly threatened suicide. The cops arrive but for some odd reason you decline to "show them the note" which of course would help the authorities to help her, and then they "leave so as not to embarrass her"."

I meant to say that I did not show them the note because I did not want to embarrass her or cause any damage to her future employ-ability. I was unsure as to what consequences a 302 would have on her. I have since contacted the police in order to 302 her should I need to based on the previous threat. I've reached out to her family and have told them that I want to 302 her using the letter as justification. They have told me that it would not do any good at this point, that it was just to get my attention and that if she does it again to absolutely commit her.

Sorry you feel that this is all a lie, it is not. I have been a good husband to her. We've traveled all over the world in the past 6 years, averaging 2 countries every year. These are the only times that she acts like she did when I first met her. When daily life interjects into her life, specifically her mentally ill mom, her emotions become hard for her to handle. She shuts down, turns inward and smokes, drinks and sleeps late and watches Netflix all afternoon. Life will only become more complex as we age.
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post #10 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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You have unrecognized anger management issues. You blame her for almost everything. You say bad things to her "in retaliation". She cannot "control her emotions" so "her outbursts have an equal masculine outburst" which "is what you would expect" because "she wore you down".

Yeah, I'm sure you're the innocent one here but you have no choice because of all the damage she has inflicted on you and anyone would naturally agree. Sorry not buying it.

Obviously I do not agree with your position on conflict. There's no excusing your own actions regardless of what she says and does.



You did it, you said it.. own it.

Your attempt to excuse your actions because of her is just lame and it's really not going to help you in the long run, you'll just be in and out of lots of failed relationships always wondering why you seem to meet "the wrong type of person" while they are undoubtedly saying the same thing about you.

Either way, you lose.



What does this even mean? You call the cops because you are concerned for her after she supposedly threatened suicide. The cops arrive but for some odd reason you decline to "show them the note" which of course would help the authorities to help her, and then they "leave so as not to embarass her".

Sounds like you're making this stuff up, seriously.


I meant to say that I did not show them the note because I did not want to embarrass her or cause any damage to her future employ-ability. I was unsure as to what consequences a 302 would have on her. I have since contacted the police in order to 302 her should I need to based on the previous threat. I've reached out to her family and have told them that I want to 302 her using the letter as justification. They have told me that it would not do any good at this point, that it was just to get my attention and that if she does it again to absolutely commit her.

Sorry you feel that this is all a lie, it is not. I have been a good husband to her. We've traveled all over the world in the past 6 years, averaging 2 countries every year. These are the only times that she acts like she did when I first met her. When daily life interjects into her life, specifically her mentally ill mom, her emotions become hard for her to handle. She shuts down, turns inward and smokes, drinks and sleeps late and watches Netflix all afternoon. Life will only become more complex as we age.

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post #11 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 03:02 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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I feel bad about all this because she really is a good person
No, she isn't. She's sick at best, manipulative at worst. You did the right thing by exposing this to family members becasue one of these days she's going off the deep end and will charge you with domestic abuse. Having it on the record with others that she is unstable is a good start.

If you want to stay in the marriage, then she needs to get professional help. If she refuses, you should just leave because this won't get better on its own.
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post #12 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 03:08 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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If you want to stay in the marriage, then she needs to get professional help. If she refuses, you should just leave because this won't get better on its own.
Especially if you continue to allow her to trigger you into saying and doing things you later regret.

Remember this woman is so seriously ill that she has contemplated suicide. So maybe you can figure out a way not to take her attacks personally because she's not in her right mind. Telling the woman you're going to have sex with an attractive female coworker because she spit on you is just going to escalate the conflict and possibly result in her taking drastic action towards you, herself or someone else.

If you can't handle the outbursts then you need to remove yourself from the situation, either temporarily or permanently.
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post #13 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 03:34 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

Your wife is mentally ill. Only she can help herself. There will be no magic fix for this, and even if she improves, it will be a lifelong struggle. Based on what you mentioned about her mother, her having a child would be a HUGE mistake, as the metal issues will likely be passed on.

Your situation is toxic, I would advise getting out.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #14 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

She was drinking & smoking like this before you were married, correct? What made you think that would change once you got married? Did you two specifically talk about those 2 issues and agree that she would stop/cut back? I have a problem with people that marry others expecting them to stop something that they were doing before they got married. Are you one of those people?

You certainly have the right to change your mind. Some habits can gradually turn into resentment for the other spouse. Is this the case for you?

She's drinking a lot of wine. Do you think that she's an alcoholic? I can certainly understand the struggles with that since my husband is an alcoholic in denial. Unfortunately, it'll most likely get worse before it gets better. Please do not bring children into a marriage with an alcoholic for a mother. Please.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #15 of 64 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice before divorcing

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She was drinking & smoking like this before you were married, correct? What made you think that would change once you got married? Did you two specifically talk about those 2 issues and agree that she would stop/cut back? I have a problem with people that marry others expecting them to stop something that they were doing before they got married. Are you one of those people?

You certainly have the right to change your mind. Some habits can gradually turn into resentment for the other spouse. Is this the case for you?

She's drinking a lot of wine. Do you think that she's an alcoholic? I can certainly understand the struggles with that since my husband is an alcoholic in denial. Unfortunately, it'll most likely get worse before it gets better. Please do not bring children into a marriage with an alcoholic for a mother. Please.
Yes, I've been on her to quit smoking since I first met her and have badgered her about quitting every week since then. You are right, I should have made quitting smoking an ultimatum prior to marriage. I think I actually did make that an ultimatum but it never happened. We both drank regularly in college. I stopped drinking almost all together 5 years ago. Her drinking gradually picked up over the years since we married, which is why we both recognized a problem in which I sought professional help for. I identified several in-patient programs but they were cost prohibitive. I found an alcohol counselor within a 10 minute drive from our house 3 years ago but she declined saying she would stop on her own.
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