Need advice before divorcing
37 yr old male married to a 32 yr old female for 7 years, no kids.
I met my wife in college during a very dark time. I returned from a military deployment and had some minor ptsd. I was in jail twice over 2 years, living in a frat house and getting into fights. She took me in when I really needed it. Since then I've worked hard, recruited for the military for 8 years, then started my own business were I make 6 figures. I bought her a house, I paid for her MS degree and I've sought treatment for her alcoholism (she refused to go, said she would stop, that was 3 years ago). I brought her to marriage counseling 2.5 years ago, she stopped going once the therapist zeroed in on her lack of coping issue and general depressive and highly manipulative mind. I then wen to the VA for therapy for 6 months, they said I was a high functioning adult. They requested that my wife and I start couples therapy, she declined, she's too busy for that.
We don't really connect well or see eye to eye often. Her mothers side of the family has always been a little eccentric and odd. Her mother has become delusional in the past 5 years, she is diagnosed as being delusional, bi-polar and obsessive compulsive. You wouldn't believe how destructive these mental illnesses are, they completely destroy whole families. This is my first experience with it and I was amazed at how bad and completely unmanageable things get. I suspect my wife might have borderline personality disorder or maybe that she is just modeling her mom, since she was exposed to mental illmess her whole life. My wife will go against me on subjects that we are in complete alignment with in private, once in public she will go a completely different direction than what we were once in complete agreement on. When she goes against me on issues like this, in public, it causes me to feel socialy abondoned somewhat, like, what the heck was that for, what did I do to you?
She kicked me out of the house two weeks ago over a fight we had about one of these topics that we were in complete allignment on. I did not yell, but she spit in my face. I still didn't yell, but I told her I was going to have sex with a woman at work that was attracted to me. I would never do that and have never said anything like that before, but I was very angry about just being spit on. She took her rings off and said she was going to pawn them, this was probably the 4th time she's done this in 7 years. She kicked me out and I went to live with a buddy for 4 days. I set up a meeting with a divorce attorney midway through this seperation but she texted me a picture of a suicide note prior to the meeting with the attorney. I called 911 and the cops wanted my to commit her. I refused to show them the suicide note not wanting to embarras her. We have decided to reconcile but it only descended into another fight and know we are separated again.
She drinks a box of wine every 3-4 days and smokes a pack a day. She has a job. She interviews people via Skype for various position, works for a 3rd party HR company. She works 20-25 hours a week, makes enough to pay for her wine, cigarette and subscription beauty products. She probably spends 25-30 hours a week laying in bed watching netflix. then 2 hours a day standing outside smoking cigarettes while staring at her iphone. Basically its from the bed, to the front porch to smoke, to the refrigerator to get more wine, then back to the bed.... all day 2 years ago she was laying on a heating blanket and it gave her this huge grayish bruise all ofer her lower back. It was frightening. Her sister saw once and was like, OMG WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU!! I looked at her and, yeah, that's from watching Netflix all day while laying on a heating pad!
After the suicide not incident I basically told everyone in her family and mine every single thing I said here and that we are getting a divorce unless she goes to Dialectical Behavioaral Therapy sessions for at least 6 months. I want to have kids but she needs to do this first. I feel that after exposing all of this to everyone we know that I've caused such damage to the marriage that I'm not sure if things could ever work again. My wife is very kind, she loves everyone. I feel bad about all this because she really is a good person, beautiful and trustworthy. My main issue is her inability to change for the better. She has smoked a pack a day since I met her 10 years ago and dstill drinks the same or more even though she's now 32. I think it's disrespectful to ruin your health and watch that much Netflix when you're married. I've been on her like every week about quiting smoking for 10 years, it's gotten to the point that I basinally hold her in complete contempt for her inability to respect herslef and control her emotions.
I've been reaching out to family about this now and thought I'd get an opinion here too. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and used. All the best
Last edited by 53791263; 11-15-2016 at 03:03 PM.