No communication - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
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No communication

Everyone says I should tell my hubby how I am feeling, but we don't have conversations like that. We hardly communicate at all, and really never have. That is probably why I am so miserable and lonely. I can't talk to him at all. We are so different on so many levels and the older I get the worse I feel about that. We have very little in common....not even television, food, friends.....nothing. Some days it's like torture for me. I escape to the tub or the gym or watch a movie on my ipad with headphones. I know we need to talk about this, maybe try counseling, but honestly I feel like it would be useless. After 25 years I am tired of waiting on him hand and foot. He thinks that because he works and isn't an alcoholic he is the best husband in the world. He is delusional! I only stay because I feel bad. I don't know what he would do without me, and before all is said and done he would be mean and awful to me. I don't think our kids would even spend time with him if I left. He is so stressed out all the time. We all walk on eggshells. Even the slightest things sets him off. He yells and swears and throws fits....it makes me soooo stressed out. The question is...which one of is will have a heart attack first UGH

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: No communication

Even if he did change, is it too late?

If not, tell him that he pulls his head from his rectum or you will be filing for divorce.

Stop waiting on him. Stop engaging him. No sex. Place the burden of the relationship on him, and watch to see if his actions are worthy of remaining with him.

If not, follow through.

Bottom line: If it is possible for him to wake up, he likely won't do so unless he truly believes he is about to lose you.

Sorry you are here.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: No communication

When my hubby and I started marriage counseling, she asked us what our problem was and we said something about communication. Her reply has stuck with me - she said that a lack of communication is NEVER the real issue. It's a symptom.

What you need to figure out is whether you want to try to save your marriage or if it's beyond repair. Then you can take action.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 12:07 PM
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Re: No communication

I agree with @farsidejunky. Sometimes you have to shake up someone's world for them to understand how good they have it. There are plenty of people in the world who will easily take you for granted. People pleasers often get walked over, continuing to give every inch that is asked of them. The unappreciative partner continues to demand mile after mile. Tell him he's put too many miles on you at this point. Let him start to face the reality of life without his support system.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: No communication

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Originally Posted by nhbelle View Post
Everyone says I should tell my hubby how I am feeling, but we don't have conversations like that. We hardly communicate at all, and really never have. That is probably why I am so miserable and lonely. I can't talk to him at all. We are so different on so many levels and the older I get the worse I feel about that. We have very little in common....not even television, food, friends.....nothing. Some days it's like torture for me. I escape to the tub or the gym or watch a movie on my ipad with headphones. I know we need to talk about this, maybe try counseling, but honestly I feel like it would be useless. After 25 years I am tired of waiting on him hand and foot. He thinks that because he works and isn't an alcoholic he is the best husband in the world. He is delusional! I only stay because I feel bad. I don't know what he would do without me, and before all is said and done he would be mean and awful to me. I don't think our kids would even spend time with him if I left. He is so stressed out all the time. We all walk on eggshells. Even the slightest things sets him off. He yells and swears and throws fits....it makes me soooo stressed out. The question is...which one of is will have a heart attack first UGH
Wow, this is sad, Im sorry you're here.

You say you dont know what he'd do without you...he'd SURVIVE, thats what he'd do. He is a grown man who SHOULD be taking care of himself anyway, you leaving would just force that. I watched it happen with my own parents...mom did EVERYTHING around the house and the bill paying, etc...dad figured it out and got by just fine on his own.

Walking on eggshells is no way to live, it sucks the life right out of you. Maybe its time for a come to jesus meeting... tell him you are not happy and are contemplating leaving. Watch the reaction. If it wakes him up, then open up and try to work on it. If he doesnt seem affected, then go file for divorce. Life is too short to live so unhappy.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: No communication

So, you posted a year ago about pretty much the exact same problem, and you never responded to the advice on that thread... are you actually ready to finally take some action on this? Because if you want to see a change in your situation, YOU need to take action. YOU need to change.

I think the posters above have good advice. I'm not going to post additional advice, unless you confirm that you're actually ready to take control of your life and what happens in your marriage.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Re: No communication

Sadly....nothing has changed in the last year and really not in the last decade. I had decided to do more things on my own...things that make me happy, hoping that would be enough. I have been doing a lot more with my friends, going to the gym, going to to the movies alone if I want, painting classes, jogging, kayaking. Of course he makes me feel bad about it, and I just resent him more for making negative comments and whining about how I am always trying to avoid him. I stay out of pitty for him and he is okay with it. He sees that I am unhappy, but he continues to do things that he knows irritate me like stomping his foot when we watch tv, or complaining about the lawn needing mowing (he refuses to mow). I already know the answer, I know what I want. I know that life is short and I know that I want to be happy, BUT I also know there is no easy way out of this for me. I am weak. I know if I said I am going to leave he would beg me to stay and attempt to change, but it wouldn't last. Then he would get angry and mean and lash out. I don't want the kids to see all that and honestly I am not sure that I am strong enough to handle it.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: No communication

You are dead inside. My STBXH was just like yours except we both did our own things and when he got the attention he needed from someone else, he left. When he did, it was a relief. You are not weak, you are afraid and you really need to think about what you are modeling for your children. They see & know a lot more than you give them credit for. Do you want them in marriages like yours because that is what you are showing them?

I wasn't weak, I was afraid of change. But now that it happened, I wouldn't go back to him even if he wanted to. And thankfully he doesn't so I don't have to deal with that.

Be brave or fake until you make it.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: No communication

You HAVE to make a decision here. If you don't, nothings going to change. I guess if you don't want anything to change, carry on.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 09:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: No communication

Sounds awful, but i wish he would find someone else and move on. I know that I have to make a decision and that although I hate for my kids to go through the stress of a divorce, I also hate them seeing our marriage like it is. They always tell me I should leave, but like I said I hold everyone together and without me they probably wouldn't even speak to him.....and I really don't know if he would survive....seriously his father committed suicide and at the very least he would use that to make me feel terrible. He is always going to be the father of my children so I will always care for him, but he is so fundamentally different than me and I can't stand it anymore. We don't share the same values or beliefs and honestly he offends me quite often. I am so sick to death of it, but again.....I am afraid that I am not strong enough to deal with what he will throw at me (literally and figuratively). I wonder if I should wait it out till my youngest is grown so at least I don't have to drag them along for the horrible ride ahead. He is hateful and hurtful when he doesnt get his way (which is why he is always wright and I am always wrong...I know more enabling). The crazy thing is that if someone told me this story I would tell them to run as fast and as far away as possible, BUT it's so much easier said than done

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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 10:21 AM
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Re: No communication

Wow, so when your KIDS tell you to end it, you most definitely MUST end it! I have been that kid dying for my mom to leave my dad, so I get exactly how they are feeling, its MISERY. And you must understand this...HIS relationship with the kids is HIS responsibility...NOT YOURS. HE is the one acting like an ass and pushing the kids away. I am sorry to say it but that is not your problem. He is the adult, the parent, and its up to him to foster those relationships.

Start making your exit plan. Get everything in line first, then let him know its over. Not only will that make it faster to implement, but will help keep you from backpedaling. You must do this for your children...you are mom, suck up the fear and do it for them. I wish my mother had done so many years before she finally did. (I have ended two marriages myself, so I do understand and know what I'm talking about, I'm not just randomly throwing this out there)

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 11:46 AM
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Re: No communication

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Even if he did change, is it too late?

If not, tell him that he pulls his head from his rectum or you will be filing for divorce.

Stop waiting on him. Stop engaging him. No sex. Place the burden of the relationship on him, and watch to see if his actions are worthy of remaining with him.

If not, follow through.

Bottom line: If it is possible for him to wake up, he likely won't do so unless he truly believes he is about to lose you.

Sorry you are here.
The idea that you should punish a non-communicative spouse by withholding sex has got to be the worst advice you could give this person. What a great way to give the guy more reasons NOT to communicate.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:11 PM
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Re: No communication

As opposed to her meeting his needs, without reciprocation, and continuing to build resentment?

You mistake the "why" behind the "what". Enough resentment will kill the best relationships, even WITH good communication. She needs to do as much as will not build resentment in their relationship. It is not about withholding for punishment.

I am advocating that she clearly communicate what she is doing AND why. It is then up to him to either step up or lose her.

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Originally Posted by FoghornLeghorn View Post
The idea that you should punish a non-communicative spouse by withholding sex has got to be the worst advice you could give this person. What a great way to give the guy more reasons NOT to communicate.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 01:44 PM
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Re: No communication

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Originally Posted by nhbelle View Post
The crazy thing is that if someone told me this story I would tell them to run as fast and as far away as possible, BUT it's so much easier said than done
Other than the act of "talking", everything is easier said than done. But what ever "it" is, we do it regardless. It's what people do. Everybody, including your own kids have been telling you what to do for years and year and years. Yet you've done NOTHING.

At this point, you have no right to complain. Everything your husband does is now on your head. BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING ABOUT IT.

Please prove to us that you are worth our time.
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-18-2016, 02:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: No communication

Every divorce that I have witnessed has been terrible.....overpriced lawyers, fighting over every little thing, even restraining orders. I don't want any of that. Honestly I don't want a thing from him, but that is what scares me the most. I know he will make every bit of it difficult. I am even worried about losing my job. I think he would harass me, spread lies, who knows what else......he can be very vicious!!!! Maybe I should see a counselor...to help empower me to do what needs to be done. I really need a plan.
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