Husband wants separation but getting mixed signals - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 11-20-2016, 11:47 PM
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Re: Husband wants separation but getting mixed signals

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Originally Posted by Chooseluv View Post
Hello kind readers,

I've been married for 2.5 years, with a 1 year old. My marriage has been rocky for the past year. My husband told me he wants to separate, and asked me to move out. I told him I didn't see it coming and needed time, so we are still living together. I want us to try to save our marriage. I told him we should seek help (therapy or counseling), but he said he wasn't interested. We are civil with each other-we only speak when necessary. But here is my dilemma:
-The night he told me he wanted to separate, I was very emotional and couldn't stop crying. So I snuck into another bedroom to sleep and to calm myself. When he discovered I wasn't in the same room, he looked for me and told me he wanted me to sleep next to him. So I agreed.
-The next day we watched a movie at home together, as if nothing happened.
-He still texts me daily when he's at work to ask about our baby, and when he's on his way home.
-He is still eating dinner with me every night.

I'm so confused. I thought he would be cold and distant, or staying late at work purposely to avoid me.
Does he want to separate or not? I'm afraid to ask him for fear of pushing him away even more.
Does anyone have thoughts on this?
Thank you.
Pregnancy and newborns throw many relationships into havoc. You aren't in uncharted territory.

What you can't do is give yourself up to "save" the marriage, there needs to be something left worth saving. That said, you have to do some heavy introspection and see (objectively) what has been going on.

What are the signs and symptoms that have persisted?
What complaints has he been making?
What about your complaints?

Have there been issues relating to physical appearance?
What about sexual frequency pre-pregnancy versus now?

All you can do is be your self (the best one) and give him the freedom to take your hand. That is a very powerful bargain you are making. The answers to those questions I posed will enlighten me to give more advice. Even so, there is plenty of room for discussion with him. If you go into it well prepared, you can find out his reason for his announcement. I know it won't be tough, but the better you manage your emotions, the better he can feel comfortable speaking. After that, you can look at going into tried-and-true reconciliation frameworks. Rarely is the 1st announcement THE last straw. There tends to be a lot of room to pull on his heart strings, naturally drawing him back towards you.

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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 01:15 AM
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Re: Husband wants separation but getting mixed signals

OP,
Perhaps what your H truly wants is a marriage. What you described does not qualify. What you must decide is if a marriage is what you want. If it truly is then you must go about making what you have into a marriage. If he is indeed interested he needs to do likewise. I suggest that you sit down and have a rational discourse about what each of you really wants and then proceed accordingly. You expressed interest in saving your marriage but first there must be a marriage to save. You two sound more like roommates and business partners than H and W.

As others have said, sometimes people say things in desperation that they hope will effect change. Your H may indeed be using such an approach or he may be literally done with your arrangement. You must find out in order to move forward, either together or apart.
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 03:03 AM
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Re: Husband wants separation but getting mixed signals

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I agree with @EleGirl, if he wants the separation, he can move out. He has no right to ask you to move out.
Often true, but not always. Insufficient information from the OP to definitely say.

For example, since they've only been married 2.5 years, according to the OP, perhaps the home belongs to the husband, pre-dating their marriage? I don't know. Insufficient information to say WHO should move out.
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 04:55 AM
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Cool Re: Husband wants separation but getting mixed signals

Then he's either "unknowingly" immature, or he's "knowingly" cheating on you!

Sounds greatly as if he "likes having his cake and eating it too!"

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My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 10:44 AM
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Re: Husband wants separation but getting mixed signals

Quote:
Originally Posted by Relationship Teacher View Post
Pregnancy and newborns throw many relationships into havoc. You aren't in uncharted territory.

What you can't do is give yourself up to "save" the marriage, there needs to be something left worth saving. That said, you have to do some heavy introspection and see (objectively) what has been going on.

What are the signs and symptoms that have persisted?
What complaints has he been making?
What about your complaints?

Have there been issues relating to physical appearance?
What about sexual frequency pre-pregnancy versus now?

All you can do is be your self (the best one) and give him the freedom to take your hand. That is a very powerful bargain you are making. The answers to those questions I posed will enlighten me to give more advice. Even so, there is plenty of room for discussion with him. If you go into it well prepared, you can find out his reason for his announcement. I know it won't be tough, but the better you manage your emotions, the better he can feel comfortable speaking. After that, you can look at going into tried-and-true reconciliation frameworks. Rarely is the 1st announcement THE last straw. There tends to be a lot of room to pull on his heart strings, naturally drawing him back towards you.
All good questions. Relationship Teacher offers a good service. As do others, viz., @Emergingbuddhist, @Tunera, etc., on TAM. These are the calm, logical responders.

Logical questions [and answers] are the ones "most" overlooked, in general.

In life, the "Flash gets the ...". You fill in the blank!

While, those advisory remarks from TAM bloggers, that trigger emotions get the most attention; they cloud over the quiet, thoughtful remarks, like the one's posted above.

Myself, I enjoy "firing down range and lighting em' up". Hell Fire missiles.

Love life....roll with the punches, laugh like booming hell.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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