Hi guys, I literally just signed up for this site, and am in need of some advice, as I don't feel like I can talk to this with anyone for fear of disappointing them. I'll give you guys the (hopefully not-too-long) background.
1. Knew of each other for 13 years; our paths would cross a bit when he was around, because I saw his family probably monthly. Were matched online, and started dating. Three months after our first date, we got engaged. I didn't even realize I'd been proposed to because there was no ring, no getting down on 1 knee, nothing that would signify a proposal. Just a question about me marrying him, which I thought was just a curious question!
2. He wanted to get married the following summer, so we had to start planning right away, as summer was less than a year away. I didn't want a big wedding (destination/elope), he wanted a big blowout. We had a big, expensive blowout, but managed to stay out of debt for it, yay!
3. I had that gut feeling while wedding planning, and again right before walking down the aisle, that I wasn't doing the right thing. At those points though, I thought about all the invitatation that had been sent, deposits that were made, and then there I was in a wedding gown, and I felt like I coulnd't back out then.
4. We've now been married for just over 3 years, and I can honestly say that I'm not super happy. Our first year was utter hell, as we didn't really know each other well, and I had found out that he had just went along with some major things that I wanted, I guess, because he thought it was the right thing to do. I've since found out that he can't make decisions on the fly, and needs time to think about things. But, I would've thought that he would know himself better (he's in his 40s), and know things like how he felt about religion, whether or not he wanted children, etc.
5. One of those things is children. I've always wanted to adopt, and he jumped on that bandwagon with me right away, neglecting to tell me that he wanted to have his own children someday, which I found out about 5 months after our wedding. At that point, I had zero desire to have a baby (but still wanted to adopt). Now, I'm 38, and would love nothing more than to have a baby, but not with him. There are major mental health issues in both sides of his family, and I'd be scared to bring a child into the world with the potential to have those genes. He also has told me that the only way he'd help me with a baby is if he had absolutely nothing else to do, or nothing going on the following morning (for getting up at night with a baby). He's since recounted this, but I don't really believe him.
6. Which brings me to the point that he's a workaholic who's attached to his cell phone. He's full time temporary at his teaching job of 7 years, and regularly checks his cell for student emails, sometimes while navigating a movie-going crowd at 10 o'clock on a Saturday night. I wouldn't mind so much, but we rarely spend time together because he's always marking, prepping, and spending inordinate amounts of time on the computer. We pretty much eat supper together in front of the TV, finish the show, then meet in bed.
7. Sex happens once a week, always on the same night, or the morning after, and it's dull. He was a virgin when we met (I was 34; he was 43), and he lived with his Mom, which made things interesting when he wanted me to stay over at "his house". You know what they say about doctors making the worst patients? Well, in this case the teacher made the worst "student". I tried for months to show him what I liked, to tell him when what he was doing downright hurt (which happened often because he didn't understand that if it hurt one day, the same methods would hurt the next time, and the time after that too). It finally ended with me covering up a couple body parts, and didn't allow him to touch me for a well over a year. I've let my barriers and arm blockade down now, but still cringe when he touches me. Intimacies just aren't enjoyable at all.
Okay, that was longer than hoped, but it's the cliffnotes on a lot of issues that I've been experiencing. Can anyone offer any advice? I've been feeling at the end of my rope, and have been considering separating, but don't want to hurt him (his Dad committed suicide after separating from his Mom, and I certainly don't want that to happen to my husband). I also cannot talk to him about anything important such as these issues because we just end up fighting, and I wish I hadn't brought the subject up. Thanks in advance!
1. Knew of each other for 13 years; our paths would cross a bit when he was around, because I saw his family probably monthly. Were matched online, and started dating. Three months after our first date, we got engaged. I didn't even realize I'd been proposed to because there was no ring, no getting down on 1 knee, nothing that would signify a proposal. Just a question about me marrying him, which I thought was just a curious question!
2. He wanted to get married the following summer, so we had to start planning right away, as summer was less than a year away. I didn't want a big wedding (destination/elope), he wanted a big blowout. We had a big, expensive blowout, but managed to stay out of debt for it, yay!
3. I had that gut feeling while wedding planning, and again right before walking down the aisle, that I wasn't doing the right thing. At those points though, I thought about all the invitatation that had been sent, deposits that were made, and then there I was in a wedding gown, and I felt like I coulnd't back out then.
4. We've now been married for just over 3 years, and I can honestly say that I'm not super happy. Our first year was utter hell, as we didn't really know each other well, and I had found out that he had just went along with some major things that I wanted, I guess, because he thought it was the right thing to do. I've since found out that he can't make decisions on the fly, and needs time to think about things. But, I would've thought that he would know himself better (he's in his 40s), and know things like how he felt about religion, whether or not he wanted children, etc.
5. One of those things is children. I've always wanted to adopt, and he jumped on that bandwagon with me right away, neglecting to tell me that he wanted to have his own children someday, which I found out about 5 months after our wedding. At that point, I had zero desire to have a baby (but still wanted to adopt). Now, I'm 38, and would love nothing more than to have a baby, but not with him. There are major mental health issues in both sides of his family, and I'd be scared to bring a child into the world with the potential to have those genes. He also has told me that the only way he'd help me with a baby is if he had absolutely nothing else to do, or nothing going on the following morning (for getting up at night with a baby). He's since recounted this, but I don't really believe him.
6. Which brings me to the point that he's a workaholic who's attached to his cell phone. He's full time temporary at his teaching job of 7 years, and regularly checks his cell for student emails, sometimes while navigating a movie-going crowd at 10 o'clock on a Saturday night. I wouldn't mind so much, but we rarely spend time together because he's always marking, prepping, and spending inordinate amounts of time on the computer. We pretty much eat supper together in front of the TV, finish the show, then meet in bed.
7. Sex happens once a week, always on the same night, or the morning after, and it's dull. He was a virgin when we met (I was 34; he was 43), and he lived with his Mom, which made things interesting when he wanted me to stay over at "his house". You know what they say about doctors making the worst patients? Well, in this case the teacher made the worst "student". I tried for months to show him what I liked, to tell him when what he was doing downright hurt (which happened often because he didn't understand that if it hurt one day, the same methods would hurt the next time, and the time after that too). It finally ended with me covering up a couple body parts, and didn't allow him to touch me for a well over a year. I've let my barriers and arm blockade down now, but still cringe when he touches me. Intimacies just aren't enjoyable at all.
Okay, that was longer than hoped, but it's the cliffnotes on a lot of issues that I've been experiencing. Can anyone offer any advice? I've been feeling at the end of my rope, and have been considering separating, but don't want to hurt him (his Dad committed suicide after separating from his Mom, and I certainly don't want that to happen to my husband). I also cannot talk to him about anything important such as these issues because we just end up fighting, and I wish I hadn't brought the subject up. Thanks in advance!