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post #16 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:36 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Don't think it's a gender thing, really. In most of the threads posted here where the spouse who is getting dumped, he/she didn't see it coming, but then they find out that an affair of some type was going on for a while. Pretty much the whole time the other spouse seemed ''depressed'' and ''distant.''
Maybe.....But he did see it coming.
...he admitted as much and says they both buried their heads.

As I said in my prior response we shall see.

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post #17 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:39 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

So sorry to hear about your situation. Do not discount the menopause angle. Go to this link and scroll down and read the comments....it's not just you: Can Menopause Cause A Divorce?
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post #18 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Hi,

thanks for all the responses. It does help to get this off my chest and hear other opinions.

I really don't think she's cheating for lots of reasons, I won't go into detail here as to why. I know I'm biased and could be wrong.

I had a quick look at the menopause link (thanks Zolan99) and that does seem possible, some of the things I read ring true. I'll do some more reading.

I am thinking now that it could be a combination of the menapause and long term anti-depressants that have changed her and her thinking. Maybe the anti-depressants actually masked things and we'd have had problems sooner, just no way of telling.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I want my wife back but there seems nothing I can do but give her time.

thanks all

A
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post #19 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Don't think it's a gender thing, really. In most of the threads posted here where the spouse who is getting dumped, he/she didn't see it coming...
Herein lies at least a portion of the issue. Whether there is cheating or not, this is a red flag to me that most folks here on TAM don't pick up: namely that things were such in the marriage that one spouse was hurting, struggling, resentful...and the other spouse did not even know it was happening. Now, I do strongly believe that if you are the spouse who is hurting, it is your responsibility to speak out loud to your spouse about it, let them know the trouble, etc. (in other words, don't keep it to yourself and give them "hints" or expect them to just "know"). But at the same time if you are so out of touch with your spouse that you don't even notice they are hurting, struggling or building resentment, doesn't that tell you something about yourself? Like either you are in such deep denial that you need to work on dealing with reality OR you are so out of touch that the relationship is being harmed by your lack of connection?

@alfapersius I'm not trying to blame you for your wife's choices, so don't get me wrong. She made a commitment to spend her life loving you, and she is focusing on herself and breaking her commitment without giving you a reason out loud. Based on what you've written, it sounds to me like she's met someone at work that she thinks she likes and she wants to be free of you to try him out. But we don't know that for a fact yet, and thus it's not reasonable to act on that YET. What is reasonable is to investigate further to either prove or disprove infidelity, and to investigate your own self and what things you might do differently or improve on so this doesn't happen again. And THAT is where this "didn't see it coming" issue comes in. Either she told you all along that she was deeply unhappy and you ignored it (in which case your side would be to work on being more responsive and dealing with reality) OR she did not tell you how deeply unhappy she was but you were so disconnected you didn't notice her tears (in which case your side would be to work on staying connected with a partner and dealing with reality).

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post #20 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 04:05 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Herein lies at least a portion of the issue. Whether there is cheating or not, this is a red flag to me that most folks here on TAM don't pick up: namely that things were such in the marriage that one spouse was hurting, struggling, resentful...and the other spouse did not even know it was happening. Now, I do strongly believe that if you are the spouse who is hurting, it is your responsibility to speak out loud to your spouse about it, let them know the trouble, etc. (in other words, don't keep it to yourself and give them "hints" or expect them to just "know"). But at the same time if you are so out of touch with your spouse that you don't even notice they are hurting, struggling or building resentment, doesn't that tell you something about yourself? Like either you are in such deep denial that you need to work on dealing with reality OR you are so out of touch that the relationship is being harmed by your lack of connection?

@alfapersius I'm not trying to blame you for your wife's choices, so don't get me wrong. She made a commitment to spend her life loving you, and she is focusing on herself and breaking her commitment without giving you a reason out loud. Based on what you've written, it sounds to me like she's met someone at work that she thinks she likes and she wants to be free of you to try him out. But we don't know that for a fact yet, and thus it's not reasonable to act on that YET. What is reasonable is to investigate further to either prove or disprove infidelity, and to investigate your own self and what things you might do differently or improve on so this doesn't happen again. And THAT is where this "didn't see it coming" issue comes in. Either she told you all along that she was deeply unhappy and you ignored it (in which case your side would be to work on being more responsive and dealing with reality) OR she did not tell you how deeply unhappy she was but you were so disconnected you didn't notice her tears (in which case your side would be to work on staying connected with a partner and dealing with reality).
That's true, but in many cases, the spouse who cheated is just saying that they were unhappy for a while, but they must have kept up things to look like they were happy in order for the other spouse to not know they weren't. In other words, many cheaters just use ''I've been unhappy for a long time'' as an excuse to why they cheated. Regardless, no one ''needs'' to cheat, as if this is going to bring happiness into their marriages? lol They cheat because they are too afraid to leave and still want their needs met.

But, we don't know if the OP's spouse has cheated, so this is just in general, from what I've noted from people's stories on here.

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post #21 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 04:18 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.

Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.

So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.

Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.
Kinda sucks that you are thinking about perceptions of woman when the guy came her for help with his marriage. If you want to start the gender wars here again do it in another thread. By the way cheating sucks no matter what gender does it.
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post #22 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.
What's honorable about his wife suddenly announcing she's not in love with him and is leaving?

What's honorable is to be honest from the very start and make an attempt to fix what's broken through counseling or whatever rather than keeping it inside and then dropping a bomb.
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post #23 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 04:32 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
That's true, but in many cases, the spouse who cheated is just saying that they were unhappy for a while, but they must have kept up things to look like they were happy in order for the other spouse to not know they weren't. In other words, many cheaters just use ''I've been unhappy for a long time'' as an excuse to why they cheated. Regardless, no one ''needs'' to cheat, as if this is going to bring happiness into their marriages? lol They cheat because they are too afraid to leave and still want their needs met.

But, we don't know if the OP's spouse has cheated, so this is just in general, from what I've noted from people's stories on here.
@deidre,

I just wanted to note that I believe you are 100% correct--cheaters do use that excuse VERY OFTEN. Plain and simple, the cheater will rewrite past marital history to justify committing adultery.

But since we don't have facts to prove or disprove infidelity YET...and since the only spouse here is @alfapersius (not his wife) I brought up the possibility that "not seeing it coming" could be something he could work on and decide if he needs to or wants to address it. I mean let's be honest, it may well be that he was attentive and she kept her mouth shut--he can't read her mind! But he would have the benefit of examining himself with open eyes and being able to honestly say to himself that he considered whether he needed to pay more attention in a relationship, and he addressed any issues he believed needed addressing.

We are in agreement: cheaters gonna cheat. But the part he does have control over (himself) he can consider and decide if he needs or wants to change.

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post #24 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 05:06 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Textbook.
You are incorrect most likely that neither of you are cheating.

Anytime a woman starts a new job and is away a lot, then suddenly with no warning wants to separate........

You need to dig for information.

Regardless, the sad truth is that for whatever reason, once they make up their minds they're done, they're done.
And if you still love her and proceed to chase her---- you are doomed. No chance.

Your best chance is to do the 180 and move on with your life. If you are strong enough to do that, she will notice. If you chase, she will run. Don't try to get her back. It will have the opposite effect.

And finding out which guy she's with--- that won't help except to strengthen your resolve to move on.

You are thinking I'm way off base with the other man suggestion.
I'm sorry but I'm far more likely to be right than you can imagine.

What you describe is an almost classic Infidelity scenario.

She wants time and space. No.
NO....
She wants privacy from you to be with someone else.

Be prepared, sir. This will be all your fault. She will make you believe--- heck, you already believe it---that it's all your fault and you're a bad husband. You are going to believe her when she says there's nobody else and that she is not going to try to screw you financially.

I promise you this. If you don't see an attorney on Monday, you're screwing up. That's advice I know is 100% correct. All this is going to tear you apart. But you will get through it, if you get help.

Don't be embarrassed to come here when you find out the truth. Nobody expects their wife to cheat.

He is dead on. Trust him he knows he's right from the man side, and I know he's right from the woman's side. Most likely you were given lots of warnings of her unhappiness and they probably went unnoticed and/or unresolved. And now she's done.

I'm sorry you are here, but we want to help you!

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #25 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 05:13 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

From what little you have described, I'm guessing your wife's new occupation is something like a paramedic working a lot with one or a few males.

Over the years this scenario has played out dozens of times here.

Did your sex life drop off significantly? Did she start going out with out you? New friends? Drop old friends? Dressing better? Losing weight? What other new things have started besides leaving?

Whats the situation with kids?

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post #26 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 06:56 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.

Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.

So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.

Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.
Its called the "TAM Paradox"

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #27 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:21 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

I don't think she's cheating.

I've never heard that before. Hell, I think I said it myself.
Married 14 years and wants to separate to "think"????

Like being in the house with your spouse blocks brainwaves or something.
Please. It's another man.
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post #28 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:36 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I don't think she's cheating.

I've never heard that before. Hell, I think I said it myself.
Married 14 years and wants to separate to "think"????

Like being in the house with your spouse blocks brainwaves or something.
Please. It's another man.
Just once....just ounce.... of pity for BS's.

I hope you are putting up the wrong river, Evinrude.

It is Christmas....I want a happy ending....not for her, you dirty minded Avatars.

For OP and for ___________

Fill in the Blank, Hank.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #29 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 08:58 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Sadly, it probably doesn't matter if she is or not. Result is the same.
I'm upset that there's not a lot of positive things one can say to op.
I hope he doesn't try to chase her.
Just give her what she wants and find a way to deal with change.

I hope I'm wrong. But op is in a bind either way and it sucks.
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post #30 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 09:13 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

OP, I'm so sorry that you're here and you're going through this. I don't know if your wife is cheating or not, but I do know that if you cry, beg or chase her, you'll only push her further away.

One of you needs to step up and fight hard for this marriage, and it's not going to be your wife (she may have been trying for years but you were oblivious, happens all the time), so that leaves you.

Be a man - take charge of the situation. Don't ask her what's going to happen, TELL her. Tell her she has two options, 1: Stay and fight for the marriage, and then YOU organise how that plays out; OR 2: You both call it a day, she moves out and you start divorce proceedings (remembering that these can be stopped at any time), oh and she's not to take the kids.
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