wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 09:22 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Absolutely. If she's going to move out, file for divorce and move on.
If she's going to stay, try to do your best to be your best, but don't go too far. It's hard to let go. And letting go is the only chance you have of hanging on. You have got to do something to shake this up. File. File Monday.

If you *****foot around this and let her do whatever, she's going to think you are going to be there while she dies whatever and she can always come back. Remove you being an option, as her option.
Be strong or guaranteed failure.
I couldn't do it. It's hard. I'm divorced.

I wish you the best of luck in this painful thing.

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post #32 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 11:16 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

It's selfish to try to maintain her there only because you don't want to miss her. Whether its the pills, or you, or another man SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE THERE.

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post #33 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 11:55 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Menopause, shmenopause!!!! Go into stealth mode now and find out who the POSOM is (see Weightlifter's thread) !!! Don't confront until you have enough evidence. Come back here once you discover the infidelity.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #34 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 03:47 AM
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Cool Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

With a drastic change in work routine causing her to be gone away from home for an inordinate amount of time, do not bet your chips against the presence of some covert infidelity!

The "distance" between the two of you is probably being bridged by someone at her job more than making up for it!

You would be well advised to do "the 180," and to go into reconnoscince mode checking any of her electronic media devices! It would be worth your time to plant a VAR up under her car seat or have a GPS tracking device on the vehicle!

If she were truly legitimate, she would have long before acquiesced to either MC with you, or to IC to aid in legitimately trying to save the marriage!

I haven't exactly seen any of that here!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #35 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 05:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

thanks again for all the comments. I feel sick sitting her reading them, that so many think she is cheating.

I don't want to share my/our life story here but just a few more details. Her job is as a HGV driver, long distance lorry driving. So I don't think she is carrying on an affair with a work mate. She drives alone and she's away different places all the time, she doesn't have regular, routine trips. And there has been no sudden changes like big weight loss, dressing more sexy or new lingerie. I could of course be wrong, I just don't think it's as likely as some.

If I'm honest I think she has changed and I haven't and she's just stopped loving me.
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post #36 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 05:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

oh and just to top things off it's my birthday tomorrow, right now I don't feel like living another year like this
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post #37 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by alfapersius View Post
thanks again for all the comments. I feel sick sitting her reading them, that so many think she is cheating.

I don't want to share my/our life story here but just a few more details. Her job is as a HGV driver, long distance lorry driving. So I don't think she is carrying on an affair with a work mate. She drives alone and she's away different places all the time, she doesn't have regular, routine trips. And there has been no sudden changes like big weight loss, dressing more sexy or new lingerie. I could of course be wrong, I just don't think it's as likely as some.

If I'm honest I think she has changed and I haven't and she's just stopped loving me.
At least check the cell phone bill and see if there's a large number of texts or a lot of minutes to a number that's not you. You really need to check this, you can't go by your assessment of her character. Everyone here thought our spouses would never cheat, and every one of them did.

Happy birthday.

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post #38 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:46 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Some thoughts:

If your wife died, would your life be over? Would you never find someone else? You'd do whatever you had to do to make your life how you wanted it, right?
You have to start living like she died. You are going to have to change and deal with it. You can.
It's going to hurt, BADLY. You're likely going to wish you didn't have to go on. That you can't do it. That's bs. You can. And God MAY have something better for your life waiting on you. The hard part is this: Having faith that you're being taken care of. You ARE.

We have been through this. You can,too! Mourn your loss. Don't try not to.

I will say this. I truly believe if you will refuse to chase her, give her what she wants, and move forward with your life---- she will respect that and you have a chance she will return. But, it may be so long that you won't care when she does. She's a chronically depressed person, who takes medication and doesn't have the loyalty to tell you there's a problem and ask for help. She just says "see y'all" and leaves.

Is that the best you can do in a wife? I really doubt it.

If she leaves, the majority of the time they don't come back. And even though it's so far from what you want NOW, it may be the best thing that could've happened to you both. You will feel differently than you do now. Right now you're wanting to hang on for dear life because you don't want the change you're about to experience.

Just remember: Be the man that people you love want you to be. A strong man. A man who doesn't let his emotions overcome him. A man who pushes through a tempest and comes out smiling.

Sir, I KNOW what you're feeling. I KNOW how you're hurting. That's why I'm taking the time to respond, so you'll know others have been through this and come out the other side. I'm sitting at a gas station as we speak. I'm going home to work on a fishing boat. Later I'll go eat supper with my gf who is gorgeous, speaks 3 languages, loves to fish with me, and is a great cook.
I've been divorced 2 years. I didn't want it. She did. She did change overnight-- she was cheating. Yours may not be. But her feelings have changed. And she wants to leave. As a result you will have to change. Don't worry about fair. Deal with whatever comes your way. You won't break. You'll get even stronger. And when it's over and done, you'll know that YOU are stronger than you thought possible.

And keep posting. It will help.
This is a lot to handle alone.

It's your birthday. Your mindset will determine whether the next one is happy or sad---- not your wife.

I know it hurts, but wishing you the strength to make it a birthday in more ways than one.
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post #39 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Many women spend their 20s and 30s doing what society expects them to do and slowly 'mature' and come to realize they are actually quite capable of supporting themselves, don't need a man to do it. Women usually go from their dad taking care of them to a husband taking care of them, and they allow it because it's all they know. But as they get older they start seeing they're just as capable of making decisions or taking care of themselves, so they begin to look more critically at the marriage. Do I really NEED this? We see it all the time, the woman kind of outgrows the man, just like you said.

IF she's not cheating - have you checked her phone records yet? - then she's going through an identity crisis. You can either be supportive and see in what ways you can help her grow, or you can be combative and make the decision easy for her.

Now, that said, if her way of 'growing' is to try on a bunch of men once she moves out, you are NOT obligated to continue to support her. She will need to see you having too much respect for yourself to just sit by and watch her do that. Make it clear if she's looking to date, she'll do it without you as a friend.

And don't make moving out easy. Don't offer the furniture. Don't babysit while she's out having fun if it's her time with the kids. Don't give her money or fix her car. If she's truly feeling she needs to 'grow up' or whatever she's claiming, by all means do it, but she'll see what being single and alone REALLY looks like.
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post #40 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Thank you all for the advice and support. The internet is a wonderful thing, I was feeling so low and alone, yet a few minutes online and here you all are, thank you.

@Evinrude58 thank you for your wise words, you seem like a genuinely knowledgable and supportive.

My wife is home this evening, any minute actually, hopefully over the next few days we will talk more.

I will come back and update this, I don't know when but I will.

thank you

A

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post #41 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 01:51 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Many women spend their 20s and 30s doing what society expects them to do and slowly 'mature' and come to realize they are actually quite capable of supporting themselves, don't need a man to do it. Women usually go from their dad taking care of them to a husband taking care of them, and they allow it because it's all they know. But as they get older they start seeing they're just as capable of making decisions or taking care of themselves, so they begin to look more critically at the marriage. Do I really NEED this? We see it all the time, the woman kind of outgrows the man, just like you said.
This is why you should never date a woman in her 20's or 30's. Just kidding. By the way when a man does this it's called a mid life crisis. But women outgrow their men. See how it works. If this is your wife OP, divorce her and move on to someone who has already "found" herself.
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post #42 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Well, if the marriage is in good shape and they're both treated as equals and she can grow inside the marriage, she won't likely leave. This is a warning sign to look at the marriage.
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post #43 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Some thoughts:

If your wife died, would your life be over? Would you never find someone else? You'd do whatever you had to do to make your life how you wanted it, right?
You have to start living like she died. You are going to have to change and deal with it. You can.
It's going to hurt, BADLY. You're likely going to wish you didn't have to go on. That you can't do it. That's bs. You can. And God MAY have something better for your life waiting on you. The hard part is this: Having faith that you're being taken care of. You ARE.

We have been through this. You can,too! Mourn your loss. Don't try not to.

I will say this. I truly believe if you will refuse to chase her, give her what she wants, and move forward with your life---- she will respect that and you have a chance she will return. But, it may be so long that you won't care when she does. She's a chronically depressed person, who takes medication and doesn't have the loyalty to tell you there's a problem and ask for help. She just says "see y'all" and leaves.

Is that the best you can do in a wife? I really doubt it.

If she leaves, the majority of the time they don't come back. And even though it's so far from what you want NOW, it may be the best thing that could've happened to you both. You will feel differently than you do now. Right now you're wanting to hang on for dear life because you don't want the change you're about to experience.

Just remember: Be the man that people you love want you to be. A strong man. A man who doesn't let his emotions overcome him. A man who pushes through a tempest and comes out smiling.

Sir, I KNOW what you're feeling. I KNOW how you're hurting. That's why I'm taking the time to respond, so you'll know others have been through this and come out the other side. I'm sitting at a gas station as we speak. I'm going home to work on a fishing boat. Later I'll go eat supper with my gf who is gorgeous, speaks 3 languages, loves to fish with me, and is a great cook.
I've been divorced 2 years. I didn't want it. She did. She did change overnight-- she was cheating. Yours may not be. But her feelings have changed. And she wants to leave. As a result you will have to change. Don't worry about fair. Deal with whatever comes your way. You won't break. You'll get even stronger. And when it's over and done, you'll know that YOU are stronger than you thought possible.

And keep posting. It will help.
This is a lot to handle alone.

It's your birthday. Your mindset will determine whether the next one is happy or sad---- not your wife.

I know it hurts, but wishing you the strength to make it a birthday in more ways than one.
Very helpful post evirude, one of the best posts I have read for moving forward. My STBX left 2 months ago and stayed with her mentaly ill sister and brother in-law (I drove me nuts that my kids were living there). STBX is nuts to (200 mg dosage of Zoloft and is controlling)She has now moved into a townhouse she leased. My situation was similar, 12 month rough patch with two young kids and her finishing her RN program with me working extra to pick up the slack. I was broken for a month, I could barely function in many aspects of life. I chased and begged even though I new it was pushing her further (highly doubt it mattered). She has shown many unhealthy boundaries through separation and now even in the now beginning of divorce process.

It wasn't until a month in that she said she didn't want to reconcile and wanted a divorce. I 180 from that moment and requested that she file sooner than later because I had a new direction in life. I still have bad and even horrible days but most are pretty good. I have read ALOT on every aspect to educate myself on separation/divorce and I have a great support group. Her immaturity has really showed itself now with all the mind games (I just don't put up with it, period) Now I'm fighting for joint physical custody and get this divorce over as fast as possible.

Having your wife and kids walk out on you with the understanding they may never comeback is like grieving a death. Can't even put it into words. Thank you everyone for your input and support. To the OP, keep your head up, better days are to follow. It depends on your actions how soon and how much better the coming days will be.
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post #44 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:19 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

This here, is good. Cheating isn't always a factor, and I also am in much the same boat at LTS.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Well people change jobs and work varying shifts.

It does happen.

He says he knows they've been unhappy and nobody did anything about it

My perspective is no doubt unique because I'm sure if my ex posted his side of things everyone would tell him I was cheating and red flags were everywhere.

Yet I wasn't. He just didn't want to deal with anything until I told him I wanted out, and by then I wasn't interested.

So I guess it's easier for me to accept that these things can in fact happen without cheating being involved.

As for this one we shall see.
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post #45 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

This is good advice, but some people cannot be talked to without a huge fight resulting, and closure seldom happening.

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What's honorable is to be honest from the very start and make an attempt to fix what's broken through counseling or whatever rather than keeping it inside and then dropping a bomb.
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