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post #46 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't.

We talked a little about how she is feeling and there is definitely something wrong. She has changed (I know we all do with age), she behaves differently, thinks differently. For example I've noticed how messy she has become, not bothering to clear up after herself. She used to be much more house proud. Another example would be she said that she is becoming irritated, annoyed or even angry by things, like noises, a squeak or rattle in the car or even some music. She seems confused by the changes and her own thinking.

I talked about her seeing the doctor, said that regardless of how this turned out she needed to look after herself. I said the doctor needs to help and advise her regarding her medication (prozac and levothyrosine) and the menapause. Even if she decides she no longer wants to be married she needs to be healthy. She agreed and will see the doctor. Unfortunately she is away working from tonight so it will be next week).

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post #47 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:38 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Originally Posted by alfapersius View Post
Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't.
Trying not to read anything into your post, but the bolded implies she already has a boyfriend. Maybe hasn't physically cheated, but maybe an EA? If she is in an EA and moves out to find herself, it most likely will go PA.
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post #48 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

sorry, showing my ignorance, EA and PA?
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post #49 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:40 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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sorry, showing my ignorance, EA and PA?
EA=Emotional Affair

PA=Physical Affair

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post #50 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 08:40 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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sorry, showing my ignorance, EA and PA?
E - emotional, P - physical, A - Affair

It sounds like your W (wife) may already have an OM (other man) who is now platonic, but that she has warm fuzzies over, which is an EA.
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post #51 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:38 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Another example would be she said that she is becoming irritated, annoyed or even angry by things, like noises, a squeak or rattle in the car or even some music. She seems confused by the changes and her own thinking.
She's annoyed when she's around you because you're not the OM.

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post #52 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:48 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

File for divorce. You are passively letting your wife go to another man. What did you expect her to say?
"Yes, I'm moving out so I can be with my boyfriend and not have to worry about you anymore?"
Really?

Get strong. Tell her the day she moves out, you will file for divorce, and DO THAT. She's got mental problems. You aren't losing much. But if you let her move out and go slap nasties with other men, you are going to BE divorced. MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. IF your wife moves out, it's to go be with other men. Don't be dense. SHe's not going to tell you that. But that's what she will do.
She is playing you bigtime.
One doesn't buy another house and move out when they're married to "clear their head". The idea is preposterous.

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED BY A MANIPULATIVE CHEATER.
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post #53 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 04:32 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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She's annoyed when she's around you because you're not the OM.
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She's annoyed when she's around you because you're not the OM.
No doubt. You can bet your ass that she doesn't notice any of those annoying things when she's with him.
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post #54 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:28 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Herein lies at least a portion of the issue. Whether there is cheating or not, this is a red flag to me that most folks here on TAM don't pick up: namely that things were such in the marriage that one spouse was hurting, struggling, resentful...and the other spouse did not even know it was happening. Now, I do strongly believe that if you are the spouse who is hurting, it is your responsibility to speak out loud to your spouse about it, let them know the trouble, etc. (in other words, don't keep it to yourself and give them "hints" or expect them to just "know"). But at the same time if you are so out of touch with your spouse that you don't even notice they are hurting, struggling or building resentment, doesn't that tell you something about yourself? Like either you are in such deep denial that you need to work on dealing with reality OR you are so out of touch that the relationship is being harmed by your lack of connection?

@alfapersius I'm not trying to blame you for your wife's choices, so don't get me wrong. She made a commitment to spend her life loving you, and she is focusing on herself and breaking her commitment without giving you a reason out loud. Based on what you've written, it sounds to me like she's met someone at work that she thinks she likes and she wants to be free of you to try him out. But we don't know that for a fact yet, and thus it's not reasonable to act on that YET. What is reasonable is to investigate further to either prove or disprove infidelity, and to investigate your own self and what things you might do differently or improve on so this doesn't happen again. And THAT is where this "didn't see it coming" issue comes in. Either she told you all along that she was deeply unhappy and you ignored it (in which case your side would be to work on being more responsive and dealing with reality) OR she did not tell you how deeply unhappy she was but you were so disconnected you didn't notice her tears (in which case your side would be to work on staying connected with a partner and dealing with reality).
I agree with this, some partners can be very obtuse and sail along doing their own thing. They refuse to actually hear what their spouse is saying. Any comments to communicate the state of things is met with stonewalling, flippancy or irritation. I have experienced this in my own marriage. To my mind, marriage is about making the other person happy but if that other person is a selfish/self centred person then it is best to make yourself happy.
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post #55 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:59 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't.

We talked a little about how she is feeling and there is definitely something wrong. She has changed (I know we all do with age), she behaves differently, thinks differently. For example I've noticed how messy she has become, not bothering to clear up after herself. She used to be much more house proud. Another example would be she said that she is becoming irritated, annoyed or even angry by things, like noises, a squeak or rattle in the car or even some music. She seems confused by the changes and her own thinking.

I talked about her seeing the doctor, said that regardless of how this turned out she needed to look after herself. I said the doctor needs to help and advise her regarding her medication (prozac and levothyrosine) and the menapause. Even if she decides she no longer wants to be married she needs to be healthy. She agreed and will see the doctor. Unfortunately she is away working from tonight so it will be next week).
Poor misinterpretation of your wife's actions:
What I see:
Messy because it's no longer her place, it's YOUR place. Her new house she will be "house proud" of. Don't worry.
Annoyed with things? Yeah, anything associated with you or her old life. She has a new life in mind.

She's changed alright--- she's no longer in love with you. And instead of turning you loose, she's very cruelly stringing you along. Enjoying the attention, watching a man pine for her, and using you for your moving furniture and fixing abilities.

They change. Especially when they fall out of love with their man.

You should force yourself to accept this huge change that you can do nothing about.
You are not doomed. You are starting a new life where you can meet a woman that doesn't need dope to be happy or stay sane.
You've been given a gift. Accept it with a happy heart and move the **** on before you make yourself miserable.

How can I say this? Because I've lived it.

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post #56 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:22 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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I've been married 14 years, we have a 12 year old daughter and I still love my wife. If I'm honest though things have not been right for a while, maybe 18 months, but I've buried my head in the sand (we both have). Now it's come to a head. Talking to my wife it seems she has been unhappy for a long time and that she now doesn't love me or want me the way she did. It's not like anything has happened, we've not cheated on each other, nothing like that. I think it's more a case of drifting apart, neglecting each other.

What has happened is that she changed career a a few years ago and is now away with work. She has a rolling shift, 4 days on and 4 days off so she is away overnight 3 or 4 nights a week. This has given her lots of time to consider things and think about how she feels and what she wants to do. And she has decided to move out for awhile, to give her (well I guess us) time and space to think, see how we feel about each other.

The problem is I still love her and I don't want to lose her and this feels like the first step to the end of our marriage. I hope it's not but I just don't know what to do to make sure it's not.

In brief then my wife has told me she doesn't love me any more and that she is moving out. I am so hurt I can't describe it. I'm so confused about what to do now.

Any advice would be great.

thanks

A

ps one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.
Time and Space?

Are those her boyfriends' names?

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post #57 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 05:41 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Oh wow... I can't believe you believe her story. The biggest WAVING FLAG was her saying she had plenty of opportunity. Seriously. I hate hate feeling so insensitive, but her actions, her wording is CHEATER play book 101, its like they all get the same script its cliche!

She IS cheating. Maybe only be an EA, a lot of cheaters like to think those DONT COUNT. but they do.

This does not look good bud. I would say higher a PI, or use a VAR on her. If you find out the truth NEVER reveal your sources. Talk to TAM fist.

Good luck.
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post #58 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 07:24 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Check your phone bill
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post #59 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:54 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Maybe.....But he did see it coming.
...he admitted as much and says they both buried their heads.

As I said in my prior response we shall see.
Hindsight is always 20/20.

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post #60 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 04:58 AM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
File for divorce. You are passively letting your wife go to another man. What did you expect her to say?
"Yes, I'm moving out so I can be with my boyfriend and not have to worry about you anymore?"
Really?

Get strong. Tell her the day she moves out, you will file for divorce, and DO THAT. She's got mental problems. You aren't losing much. But if you let her move out and go slap nasties with other men, you are going to BE divorced. MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. IF your wife moves out, it's to go be with other men. Don't be dense. SHe's not going to tell you that. But that's what she will do.
She is playing you bigtime.
One doesn't buy another house and move out when they're married to "clear their head". The idea is preposterous.

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED BY A MANIPULATIVE CHEATER.
@alfapersius

And say: "Well, of course, I will not stand in the way of your visiting your daughter. But remember that as you are the parent who is breaking up her family, I will not be able to force her to want to see you. And yes, my daughter is going to stay with me in the family home. I hope I am being clear on these points?"

And whilst she might not be physically cheating yet, she may well be thinking of it once she is free of her pesky husband and nuisance of a daughter.

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