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wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

13K views 60 replies 32 participants last post by  JerryB 
#1 ·
I've been married 14 years, we have a 12 year old daughter and I still love my wife. If I'm honest though things have not been right for a while, maybe 18 months, but I've buried my head in the sand (we both have). Now it's come to a head. Talking to my wife it seems she has been unhappy for a long time and that she now doesn't love me or want me the way she did. It's not like anything has happened, we've not cheated on each other, nothing like that. I think it's more a case of drifting apart, neglecting each other.

What has happened is that she changed career a a few years ago and is now away with work. She has a rolling shift, 4 days on and 4 days off so she is away overnight 3 or 4 nights a week. This has given her lots of time to consider things and think about how she feels and what she wants to do. And she has decided to move out for awhile, to give her (well I guess us) time and space to think, see how we feel about each other.

The problem is I still love her and I don't want to lose her and this feels like the first step to the end of our marriage. I hope it's not but I just don't know what to do to make sure it's not.

In brief then my wife has told me she doesn't love me any more and that she is moving out. I am so hurt I can't describe it. I'm so confused about what to do now.

Any advice would be great.

thanks

A

ps one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.
 
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#39 ·
Many women spend their 20s and 30s doing what society expects them to do and slowly 'mature' and come to realize they are actually quite capable of supporting themselves, don't need a man to do it. Women usually go from their dad taking care of them to a husband taking care of them, and they allow it because it's all they know. But as they get older they start seeing they're just as capable of making decisions or taking care of themselves, so they begin to look more critically at the marriage. Do I really NEED this? We see it all the time, the woman kind of outgrows the man, just like you said.

IF she's not cheating - have you checked her phone records yet? - then she's going through an identity crisis. You can either be supportive and see in what ways you can help her grow, or you can be combative and make the decision easy for her.

Now, that said, if her way of 'growing' is to try on a bunch of men once she moves out, you are NOT obligated to continue to support her. She will need to see you having too much respect for yourself to just sit by and watch her do that. Make it clear if she's looking to date, she'll do it without you as a friend.

And don't make moving out easy. Don't offer the furniture. Don't babysit while she's out having fun if it's her time with the kids. Don't give her money or fix her car. If she's truly feeling she needs to 'grow up' or whatever she's claiming, by all means do it, but she'll see what being single and alone REALLY looks like.
 
#41 ·
Many women spend their 20s and 30s doing what society expects them to do and slowly 'mature' and come to realize they are actually quite capable of supporting themselves, don't need a man to do it. Women usually go from their dad taking care of them to a husband taking care of them, and they allow it because it's all they know. But as they get older they start seeing they're just as capable of making decisions or taking care of themselves, so they begin to look more critically at the marriage. Do I really NEED this? We see it all the time, the woman kind of outgrows the man, just like you said.
This is why you should never date a woman in her 20's or 30's. Just kidding. >:) By the way when a man does this it's called a mid life crisis. But women outgrow their men. See how it works. If this is your wife OP, divorce her and move on to someone who has already "found" herself.
 
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#40 ·
Thank you all for the advice and support. The internet is a wonderful thing, I was feeling so low and alone, yet a few minutes online and here you all are, thank you.
@Evinrude58 thank you for your wise words, you seem like a genuinely knowledgable and supportive.

My wife is home this evening, any minute actually, hopefully over the next few days we will talk more.

I will come back and update this, I don't know when but I will.

thank you

A
 
#46 ·
Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't.

We talked a little about how she is feeling and there is definitely something wrong. She has changed (I know we all do with age), she behaves differently, thinks differently. For example I've noticed how messy she has become, not bothering to clear up after herself. She used to be much more house proud. Another example would be she said that she is becoming irritated, annoyed or even angry by things, like noises, a squeak or rattle in the car or even some music. She seems confused by the changes and her own thinking.

I talked about her seeing the doctor, said that regardless of how this turned out she needed to look after herself. I said the doctor needs to help and advise her regarding her medication (prozac and levothyrosine) and the menapause. Even if she decides she no longer wants to be married she needs to be healthy. She agreed and will see the doctor. Unfortunately she is away working from tonight so it will be next week).
 
#47 ·
Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't.
Trying not to read anything into your post, but the bolded implies she already has a boyfriend. Maybe hasn't physically cheated, but maybe an EA? If she is in an EA and moves out to find herself, it most likely will go PA.
 
#52 ·
File for divorce. You are passively letting your wife go to another man. What did you expect her to say?
"Yes, I'm moving out so I can be with my boyfriend and not have to worry about you anymore?"
Really?

Get strong. Tell her the day she moves out, you will file for divorce, and DO THAT. She's got mental problems. You aren't losing much. But if you let her move out and go slap nasties with other men, you are going to BE divorced. MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. IF your wife moves out, it's to go be with other men. Don't be dense. SHe's not going to tell you that. But that's what she will do.
She is playing you bigtime.
One doesn't buy another house and move out when they're married to "clear their head". The idea is preposterous.

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED BY A MANIPULATIVE CHEATER.
 
#60 ·
@alfapersius

And say: "Well, of course, I will not stand in the way of your visiting your daughter. But remember that as you are the parent who is breaking up her family, I will not be able to force her to want to see you. And yes, my daughter is going to stay with me in the family home. I hope I am being clear on these points?"

And whilst she might not be physically cheating yet, she may well be thinking of it once she is free of her pesky husband and nuisance of a daughter.
 
#57 ·
Oh wow... I can't believe you believe her story. The biggest WAVING FLAG was her saying she had plenty of opportunity. Seriously. I hate hate feeling so insensitive, but her actions, her wording is CHEATER play book 101, its like they all get the same script its cliche!

She IS cheating. Maybe only be an EA, a lot of cheaters like to think those DONT COUNT. but they do.

This does not look good bud. I would say higher a PI, or use a VAR on her. If you find out the truth NEVER reveal your sources. Talk to TAM fist.

Good luck.
 
#61 · (Edited)
Imagine a spouse spraining their ankle or breaking their arm. They always want to move out of the house, to heal, and get their head straight, right?
No. Never. When a family member gets hurt, we pull together as a family, pick up the slack, help them get dressed or get crutches or drive them, help bathe, etc. We rely on each other.

There is no good reason to move out.
At best, if there is no Other person, then it's to practice and see if they can live without you.
Why put up with being plan B?
Start squirreling cash away and getting your expenses and life in order.

Edit: Sorry for the necro. I did a search on 'fluoxetrine', and forgot to check the dates before responding.
 
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