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wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

13K views 60 replies 32 participants last post by  JerryB 
#1 ·
I've been married 14 years, we have a 12 year old daughter and I still love my wife. If I'm honest though things have not been right for a while, maybe 18 months, but I've buried my head in the sand (we both have). Now it's come to a head. Talking to my wife it seems she has been unhappy for a long time and that she now doesn't love me or want me the way she did. It's not like anything has happened, we've not cheated on each other, nothing like that. I think it's more a case of drifting apart, neglecting each other.

What has happened is that she changed career a a few years ago and is now away with work. She has a rolling shift, 4 days on and 4 days off so she is away overnight 3 or 4 nights a week. This has given her lots of time to consider things and think about how she feels and what she wants to do. And she has decided to move out for awhile, to give her (well I guess us) time and space to think, see how we feel about each other.

The problem is I still love her and I don't want to lose her and this feels like the first step to the end of our marriage. I hope it's not but I just don't know what to do to make sure it's not.

In brief then my wife has told me she doesn't love me any more and that she is moving out. I am so hurt I can't describe it. I'm so confused about what to do now.

Any advice would be great.

thanks

A

ps one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.
 
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#2 ·
I'm so sorry to hear this. Sometimes people grow apart, but are you positive there's no one else in the picture? It would very easy for her to pick up someone on the side with the shift that she works. Regardless, I'd start the 180 for your own well being. The meds she is on could be affecting things somewhat, I suppose, but you say she's been on them for a long time? It's probably unlikely that they are all of the sudden causing issues. Good luck and hang in there.
 
#3 · (Edited)
Textbook.
You are incorrect most likely that neither of you are cheating.

Anytime a woman starts a new job and is away a lot, then suddenly with no warning wants to separate........

You need to dig for information.

Regardless, the sad truth is that for whatever reason, once they make up their minds they're done, they're done.
And if you still love her and proceed to chase her---- you are doomed. No chance.

Your best chance is to do the 180 and move on with your life. If you are strong enough to do that, she will notice. If you chase, she will run. Don't try to get her back. It will have the opposite effect.

And finding out which guy she's with--- that won't help except to strengthen your resolve to move on.

You are thinking I'm way off base with the other man suggestion.
I'm sorry but I'm far more likely to be right than you can imagine.

What you describe is an almost classic Infidelity scenario.

She wants time and space. No.
NO....
She wants privacy from you to be with someone else.

Be prepared, sir. This will be all your fault. She will make you believe--- heck, you already believe it---that it's all your fault and you're a bad husband. You are going to believe her when she says there's nobody else and that she is not going to try to screw you financially.

I promise you this. If you don't see an attorney on Monday, you're screwing up. That's advice I know is 100% correct. All this is going to tear you apart. But you will get through it, if you get help.

Don't be embarrassed to come here when you find out the truth. Nobody expects their wife to cheat.
 
#6 ·
A lot of time women are unhappy for so long and they express their unhappiness to their spouse in different ways and as time goes by and you put no effort into improving things (maybe Bc you didn't believe her, or you didn't think things were that bad) this can really change the way a women looks at her husband. And your right it is neglect. Unfortunately some women think it's the man that needs to step up the effort. The last thing a women wants to do is to tell her husband, hey can you love me more and treat me better and treat me like something you love and value as opposed as something that is going to always be there.
It sounds like she has either given up on the marriage already, or this is her that stitch effort to make you wake up and realize what you have. Or maybe she found someone new, who knows. I think you should talk to her and tell her how much you love her and you realized you have neglected her blah blah blah. Tell her you don't want her to move out, that it kills you but if it's something she feels she really needs to do that you will respect her decision. Also try to get her to agree to go to therapy with you.
 
#7 ·
I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.

Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.

So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.

Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.
 
#11 ·
Women rarely "suck". Either they disappoint, or they fall from grace. Breaking up hurts. If it did not, then there was no love to begin with. Both sexes take these things hard.

Love comes with a warning label: This plastic bag [love] can suffocate children....and people who breath hard when they look at their SO. If you take away someone's air, they flail about madly. And they will pull anyone who comes close, underwater.

We have angry, bitter posters here. IMO, that is much better than having understanding, happy go lucky, vanilla pudding heads.

OH! Give me [convertible] passion and heated breath on a cold night in a cold world.

Dear lady, have some hot cocoa....it is cold out there....and on here.
 
#8 ·
No red flags?

She started a new career, is gone three and four days at a time, is on antidepressants, and suddenly wants time and space to "think"......

Yes, women suck sometimes, men do as well. They both lie.

But no red flags? Geez, have you read any threads here LTS???

If she told him she was having problems with x,y,z and tried to work on things for a while and finally gave up and wanted a divorce, I'd say that is fair and legit. To suddenly throw this pie in his face and say she wants to move out? There's a foul smell in the air......
 
#10 ·
PS: one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.
I would start here. If you read the side effects you would question why any doctor would prescribe this. And why anyone would consider taking this [Prozak] or generic.

This stuff is terrible. I would call this quack medicine. I guess it helps some? Anxiety medication is hit and miss.

The side effects seem to rule out interest in sex. It dampens libido. However, it can increase mania in some patients. It is during those periods that she could go astray.

The depressive effects and side effects could make her susceptible to another "caring" male. A male who listens intently and soothes her troubled mind.

This male could have pushed or pulled her away from you. A female friend could do this, also.

Do not rule out cheating. Desperate people do stupid things.

And....stupid is in the mind of the accuser....not in the Perpetrator of Inane. People can justify most anything. Especially, when a potential/actual Affair Cloud rolls into your harbor.

She is not in her "Right" mind....right is hard to find when you lost your compass. Or when the Compass is programmed by the User Interface.
 
#14 ·
Well people change jobs and work varying shifts.

It does happen.

He says he knows they've been unhappy and nobody did anything about it

My perspective is no doubt unique because I'm sure if my ex posted his side of things everyone would tell him I was cheating and red flags were everywhere.

Yet I wasn't. He just didn't want to deal with anything until I told him I wanted out, and by then I wasn't interested.

So I guess it's easier for me to accept that these things can in fact happen without cheating being involved.

As for this one we shall see.
 
#18 ·
Hi,

thanks for all the responses. It does help to get this off my chest and hear other opinions.

I really don't think she's cheating for lots of reasons, I won't go into detail here as to why. I know I'm biased and could be wrong.

I had a quick look at the menopause link (thanks Zolan99) and that does seem possible, some of the things I read ring true. I'll do some more reading.

I am thinking now that it could be a combination of the menapause and long term anti-depressants that have changed her and her thinking. Maybe the anti-depressants actually masked things and we'd have had problems sooner, just no way of telling.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I want my wife back but there seems nothing I can do but give her time.

thanks all

A
 
#25 ·
From what little you have described, I'm guessing your wife's new occupation is something like a paramedic working a lot with one or a few males.

Over the years this scenario has played out dozens of times here.

Did your sex life drop off significantly? Did she start going out with out you? New friends? Drop old friends? Dressing better? Losing weight? What other new things have started besides leaving?

Whats the situation with kids?
 
#29 ·
Sadly, it probably doesn't matter if she is or not. Result is the same.
I'm upset that there's not a lot of positive things one can say to op.
I hope he doesn't try to chase her.
Just give her what she wants and find a way to deal with change.

I hope I'm wrong. But op is in a bind either way and it sucks.
 
#30 ·
OP, I'm so sorry that you're here and you're going through this. I don't know if your wife is cheating or not, but I do know that if you cry, beg or chase her, you'll only push her further away.

One of you needs to step up and fight hard for this marriage, and it's not going to be your wife (she may have been trying for years but you were oblivious, happens all the time), so that leaves you.

Be a man - take charge of the situation. Don't ask her what's going to happen, TELL her. Tell her she has two options, 1: Stay and fight for the marriage, and then YOU organise how that plays out; OR 2: You both call it a day, she moves out and you start divorce proceedings (remembering that these can be stopped at any time), oh and she's not to take the kids.
 
#31 ·
Absolutely. If she's going to move out, file for divorce and move on.
If she's going to stay, try to do your best to be your best, but don't go too far. It's hard to let go. And letting go is the only chance you have of hanging on. You have got to do something to shake this up. File. File Monday.

If you *****foot around this and let her do whatever, she's going to think you are going to be there while she dies whatever and she can always come back. Remove you being an option, as her option.
Be strong or guaranteed failure.
I couldn't do it. It's hard. I'm divorced.

I wish you the best of luck in this painful thing.
 
#33 ·
Menopause, shmenopause!!!! Go into stealth mode now and find out who the POSOM is (see Weightlifter's thread) !!! Don't confront until you have enough evidence. Come back here once you discover the infidelity.
 
#34 ·
With a drastic change in work routine causing her to be gone away from home for an inordinate amount of time, do not bet your chips against the presence of some covert infidelity!

The "distance" between the two of you is probably being bridged by someone at her job more than making up for it!

You would be well advised to do "the 180," and to go into reconnoscince mode checking any of her electronic media devices! It would be worth your time to plant a VAR up under her car seat or have a GPS tracking device on the vehicle!

If she were truly legitimate, she would have long before acquiesced to either MC with you, or to IC to aid in legitimately trying to save the marriage!

I haven't exactly seen any of that here!
 
#35 ·
thanks again for all the comments. I feel sick sitting her reading them, that so many think she is cheating.

I don't want to share my/our life story here but just a few more details. Her job is as a HGV driver, long distance lorry driving. So I don't think she is carrying on an affair with a work mate. She drives alone and she's away different places all the time, she doesn't have regular, routine trips. And there has been no sudden changes like big weight loss, dressing more sexy or new lingerie. I could of course be wrong, I just don't think it's as likely as some.

If I'm honest I think she has changed and I haven't and she's just stopped loving me.
 
#37 ·
At least check the cell phone bill and see if there's a large number of texts or a lot of minutes to a number that's not you. You really need to check this, you can't go by your assessment of her character. Everyone here thought our spouses would never cheat, and every one of them did.

Happy birthday.
 
#38 ·
Some thoughts:

If your wife died, would your life be over? Would you never find someone else? You'd do whatever you had to do to make your life how you wanted it, right?
You have to start living like she died. You are going to have to change and deal with it. You can.
It's going to hurt, BADLY. You're likely going to wish you didn't have to go on. That you can't do it. That's bs. You can. And God MAY have something better for your life waiting on you. The hard part is this: Having faith that you're being taken care of. You ARE.

We have been through this. You can,too! Mourn your loss. Don't try not to.

I will say this. I truly believe if you will refuse to chase her, give her what she wants, and move forward with your life---- she will respect that and you have a chance she will return. But, it may be so long that you won't care when she does. She's a chronically depressed person, who takes medication and doesn't have the loyalty to tell you there's a problem and ask for help. She just says "see y'all" and leaves.

Is that the best you can do in a wife? I really doubt it.

If she leaves, the majority of the time they don't come back. And even though it's so far from what you want NOW, it may be the best thing that could've happened to you both. You will feel differently than you do now. Right now you're wanting to hang on for dear life because you don't want the change you're about to experience.

Just remember: Be the man that people you love want you to be. A strong man. A man who doesn't let his emotions overcome him. A man who pushes through a tempest and comes out smiling.

Sir, I KNOW what you're feeling. I KNOW how you're hurting. That's why I'm taking the time to respond, so you'll know others have been through this and come out the other side. I'm sitting at a gas station as we speak. I'm going home to work on a fishing boat. Later I'll go eat supper with my gf who is gorgeous, speaks 3 languages, loves to fish with me, and is a great cook.
I've been divorced 2 years. I didn't want it. She did. She did change overnight-- she was cheating. Yours may not be. But her feelings have changed. And she wants to leave. As a result you will have to change. Don't worry about fair. Deal with whatever comes your way. You won't break. You'll get even stronger. And when it's over and done, you'll know that YOU are stronger than you thought possible.

And keep posting. It will help.
This is a lot to handle alone.

It's your birthday. Your mindset will determine whether the next one is happy or sad---- not your wife.

I know it hurts, but wishing you the strength to make it a birthday in more ways than one.
 
#43 ·
Very helpful post evirude, one of the best posts I have read for moving forward. My STBX left 2 months ago and stayed with her mentaly ill sister and brother in-law (I drove me nuts that my kids were living there). STBX is nuts to (200 mg dosage of Zoloft and is controlling)She has now moved into a townhouse she leased. My situation was similar, 12 month rough patch with two young kids and her finishing her RN program with me working extra to pick up the slack. I was broken for a month, I could barely function in many aspects of life. I chased and begged even though I new it was pushing her further (highly doubt it mattered). She has shown many unhealthy boundaries through separation and now even in the now beginning of divorce process.

It wasn't until a month in that she said she didn't want to reconcile and wanted a divorce. I 180 from that moment and requested that she file sooner than later because I had a new direction in life. I still have bad and even horrible days but most are pretty good. I have read ALOT on every aspect to educate myself on separation/divorce and I have a great support group. Her immaturity has really showed itself now with all the mind games (I just don't put up with it, period) Now I'm fighting for joint physical custody and get this divorce over as fast as possible.

Having your wife and kids walk out on you with the understanding they may never comeback is like grieving a death. Can't even put it into words. Thank you everyone for your input and support. To the OP, keep your head up, better days are to follow. It depends on your actions how soon and how much better the coming days will be.
 
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