wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

I've been married 14 years, we have a 12 year old daughter and I still love my wife. If I'm honest though things have not been right for a while, maybe 18 months, but I've buried my head in the sand (we both have). Now it's come to a head. Talking to my wife it seems she has been unhappy for a long time and that she now doesn't love me or want me the way she did. It's not like anything has happened, we've not cheated on each other, nothing like that. I think it's more a case of drifting apart, neglecting each other.

What has happened is that she changed career a a few years ago and is now away with work. She has a rolling shift, 4 days on and 4 days off so she is away overnight 3 or 4 nights a week. This has given her lots of time to consider things and think about how she feels and what she wants to do. And she has decided to move out for awhile, to give her (well I guess us) time and space to think, see how we feel about each other.

The problem is I still love her and I don't want to lose her and this feels like the first step to the end of our marriage. I hope it's not but I just don't know what to do to make sure it's not.

In brief then my wife has told me she doesn't love me any more and that she is moving out. I am so hurt I can't describe it. I'm so confused about what to do now.

Any advice would be great.

thanks

A

ps one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.

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post #2 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:00 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sometimes people grow apart, but are you positive there's no one else in the picture? It would very easy for her to pick up someone on the side with the shift that she works. Regardless, I'd start the 180 for your own well being. The meds she is on could be affecting things somewhat, I suppose, but you say she's been on them for a long time? It's probably unlikely that they are all of the sudden causing issues. Good luck and hang in there.
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post #3 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:08 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Textbook.
You are incorrect most likely that neither of you are cheating.

Anytime a woman starts a new job and is away a lot, then suddenly with no warning wants to separate........

You need to dig for information.

Regardless, the sad truth is that for whatever reason, once they make up their minds they're done, they're done.
And if you still love her and proceed to chase her---- you are doomed. No chance.

Your best chance is to do the 180 and move on with your life. If you are strong enough to do that, she will notice. If you chase, she will run. Don't try to get her back. It will have the opposite effect.

And finding out which guy she's with--- that won't help except to strengthen your resolve to move on.

You are thinking I'm way off base with the other man suggestion.
I'm sorry but I'm far more likely to be right than you can imagine.

What you describe is an almost classic Infidelity scenario.

She wants time and space. No.
NO....
She wants privacy from you to be with someone else.

Be prepared, sir. This will be all your fault. She will make you believe--- heck, you already believe it---that it's all your fault and you're a bad husband. You are going to believe her when she says there's nobody else and that she is not going to try to screw you financially.

I promise you this. If you don't see an attorney on Monday, you're screwing up. That's advice I know is 100% correct. All this is going to tear you apart. But you will get through it, if you get help.

Don't be embarrassed to come here when you find out the truth. Nobody expects their wife to cheat.

Last edited by Evinrude58; 12-10-2016 at 01:15 PM.
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post #4 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:16 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Most likely cheating, I'm sorry this is happening in your life.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #5 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

one other thing to add is we are both in our late 40's and she has I am sure been suffering with some menopausal symptoms.
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post #6 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:20 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

A lot of time women are unhappy for so long and they express their unhappiness to their spouse in different ways and as time goes by and you put no effort into improving things (maybe Bc you didn't believe her, or you didn't think things were that bad) this can really change the way a women looks at her husband. And your right it is neglect. Unfortunately some women think it's the man that needs to step up the effort. The last thing a women wants to do is to tell her husband, hey can you love me more and treat me better and treat me like something you love and value as opposed as something that is going to always be there.
It sounds like she has either given up on the marriage already, or this is her that stitch effort to make you wake up and realize what you have. Or maybe she found someone new, who knows. I think you should talk to her and tell her how much you love her and you realized you have neglected her blah blah blah. Tell her you don't want her to move out, that it kills you but if it's something she feels she really needs to do that you will respect her decision. Also try to get her to agree to go to therapy with you.
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post #7 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:22 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.

Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.

So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.

Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.
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post #8 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:27 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

No red flags?

She started a new career, is gone three and four days at a time, is on antidepressants, and suddenly wants time and space to "think"......

Yes, women suck sometimes, men do as well. They both lie.

But no red flags? Geez, have you read any threads here LTS???

If she told him she was having problems with x,y,z and tried to work on things for a while and finally gave up and wanted a divorce, I'd say that is fair and legit. To suddenly throw this pie in his face and say she wants to move out? There's a foul smell in the air......
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post #9 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:34 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Op, Google "signs your wife is cheating". See how many checks you give her. Is she wanting sex less, or a lot more? Shaving other areas more? New panties or lingerie in the drawer?
Pass code on her phone?
Is she in her cell constantly?
Does she take the cell everywhere she goes? What would she go if you ask to see it? That's telling.
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post #10 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by alfapersius View Post
PS: one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.
I would start here. If you read the side effects you would question why any doctor would prescribe this. And why anyone would consider taking this [Prozak] or generic.

This stuff is terrible. I would call this quack medicine. I guess it helps some? Anxiety medication is hit and miss.

The side effects seem to rule out interest in sex. It dampens libido. However, it can increase mania in some patients. It is during those periods that she could go astray.

The depressive effects and side effects could make her susceptible to another "caring" male. A male who listens intently and soothes her troubled mind.

This male could have pushed or pulled her away from you. A female friend could do this, also.

Do not rule out cheating. Desperate people do stupid things.

And....stupid is in the mind of the accuser....not in the Perpetrator of Inane. People can justify most anything. Especially, when a potential/actual Affair Cloud rolls into your harbor.

She is not in her "Right" mind....right is hard to find when you lost your compass. Or when the Compass is programmed by the User Interface.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #11 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.

Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.

So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.

Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.
Women rarely "suck". Either they disappoint, or they fall from grace. Breaking up hurts. If it did not, then there was no love to begin with. Both sexes take these things hard.

Love comes with a warning label: This plastic bag [love] can suffocate children....and people who breath hard when they look at their SO. If you take away someone's air, they flail about madly. And they will pull anyone who comes close, underwater.

We have angry, bitter posters here. IMO, that is much better than having understanding, happy go lucky, vanilla pudding heads.

OH! Give me [convertible] passion and heated breath on a cold night in a cold world.

Dear lady, have some hot cocoa....it is cold out there....and on here.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #12 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Check your phone bill online
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post #13 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:20 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.

Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.

So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.

Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.
Don't think it's a gender thing, really. In most of the threads posted here where the spouse who is getting dumped, he/she didn't see it coming, but then they find out that an affair of some type was going on for a while. Pretty much the whole time the other spouse seemed ''depressed'' and ''distant.''

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #14 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:32 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

Well people change jobs and work varying shifts.

It does happen.

He says he knows they've been unhappy and nobody did anything about it

My perspective is no doubt unique because I'm sure if my ex posted his side of things everyone would tell him I was cheating and red flags were everywhere.

Yet I wasn't. He just didn't want to deal with anything until I told him I wanted out, and by then I wasn't interested.

So I guess it's easier for me to accept that these things can in fact happen without cheating being involved.

As for this one we shall see.
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post #15 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 02:35 PM
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Re: wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused

...

Last edited by MSalmoides; 12-13-2016 at 09:10 AM.
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