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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Funny thing happened

A funny thing happened on the weekend. First off, I screwed up my back, and struggled to get around Saturday and much of Sunday. We had a gathering to go to Saturday evening, and we had a nice fight not long beforehand. Earlier, I'd asked H to please take a heavy box upstairs. He asked if it went in the closet, so he put it in our bedroom closet (where it had never been). I asked him to move it to the linen closet, and jokingly asked him if he had ever seen it in our closet. Wouldn't answer, and told me that I was being rude to him and making him feel badly by asking that question. Fast forward a bit, we had a bit of a blowout and I mentioned a few things including:

- no matter what I say or how I say it, either my words are wrong, or my tone is wrong, and I don't know how to talk to him without offending him in some way.
- Told him I'm thinking of seeing a psychologist
- If I can't even mention to him that a friggen box was put in the wrong place without a 20 minute argument, how can I talk to him about our sex life, having a family, without a huge blowout.
- We spend zero time together, and really don't know each other. When he checked his email from students last Saturday night after our first date night since August, it hurt.

Apparently, I CAN talk to him, he says. I haven't figured out how yet, but let me tell you, did he ever take steps to change this weekend. We had a games night, just the 2 of us, and he even apologized for last Saturday night! He helped out a bit more around the house. I still don't know how to bring up the subjects we NEED to talk through though, but I still plan on seeing a therapist to figure that out.


Last edited by Ursula; 12-12-2016 at 12:06 PM.
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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 12:12 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

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- If I can't even mention to him that a friggen box was put in the wrong place without a 20 minute argument, how can I talk to him about our sex life, having a family, without a huge blowout.
But that's not what you did. You were vague about where it went ("closet", instead of "linen closet") and when he put it in the wrong closet, you were sarcastic and put the blame on him. A simple "sorry, honey. I meant the linen closet. thanks for your help." would have been good.

I would suggest that you pause before speaking. Maybe this is what a therapist will tell you but it will give you a second or two to think about (a) what you say and (b) how you say it.
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Funny thing happened

Absolutely; I was 100% at fault for that one, and really should've specified. I need to think before I speak, and always end up offending him with my choice of words or tone. I guess I just assumed that he knew which closet, as he's seen me with it many times before, and has even grabbed stuff out of that box from the linen closet before. But, one should never assume; lesson learned! :-)

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But that's not what you did. You were vague about where it went ("closet", instead of "linen closet") and when he put it in the wrong closet, you were sarcastic and put the blame on him. A simple "sorry, honey. I meant the linen closet. thanks for your help." would have been good.

I would suggest that you pause before speaking. Maybe this is what a therapist will tell you but it will give you a second or two to think about (a) what you say and (b) how you say it.
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 12:44 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

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I asked him to move it to the linen closet, and jokingly asked him if he had ever seen it in our closet. Wouldn't answer, and told me that I was being rude to him and making him feel badly by asking that question.
What you said was rude and condescending.

My guess is you talk this way all the time and have no clue about the effect it has on your husband or anyone else you speak to this way.

You're welcome.
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post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

Some people get offended no matter what the hell you say to them. My XH was that way. Every damn thing that came out of my mouth offended him, he took EVERYTHING as a personal attack, no matter how benign and not related to him it was!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:13 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

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- no matter what I say or how I say it, either my words are wrong, or my tone is wrong, and I don't know how to talk to him without offending him in some way..
This one can be all about tone and emphasis on particular words.

"Have you ever SEEN that box in our CLOSET"? [the word "idiot" being left unsaid but implied by the tone]

Versus a gentle laugh without any emphasis on any particular word..

My guess is that you are basically calling him an idiot and you do this a lot without even realizing how hurtful it can be.

My girlfriend will "occasionally" say something to me along those lines and I'll fill in the word "idiot" to basically remind her shes being critical, insulting, and judgmental, and she'll smile and nod to say she gets it and sometimes I'll even get an "I'm sorry" because she realizes shes being out of line but I'm not really that sensitive it's more of a joke between us than anything else.

But some have thinner skin. So you gotta know your audience.
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Funny thing happened

It was; I agree, and unfortunately, it popped out before I could stop it. I've been going through a lot in my head that I cannot talk to him about, and now I know that I'm the problem in the communication. My hurt will probably come off as rudeness without meaning to. So now I know that I need a therapist for me alone, and not to figure out what to do in my marriage.

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What you said was rude and condescending.

My guess is you talk this way all the time and have no clue about the effect it has on your husband or anyone else you speak to this way.

You're welcome.
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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Funny thing happened

Yup, to me, it wasn't said in a mean or condescending manner, but my husband is extremely sensitive, and I need to tread very carefully with word choice and my tone almost needs to be monotone and very quiet for him to be OK with it. Sometimes, my frustration about our lives takes over, and I forget to keep it all in check; this was one of those times, so I'll need to be careful in the future.

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This one can be all about tone and emphasis on particular words.

"Have you ever SEEN that box in our CLOSET"? [the word "idiot" being left unsaid but implied by the tone]

Versus a gentle laugh without any emphasis on any particular word..

My guess is that you are basically calling him an idiot and you do this a lot without even realizing how hurtful it can be.

My girlfriend will "occasionally" say something to me along those lines and I'll fill in the word "idiot" to basically remind her shes being critical, insulting, and judgmental, and she'll smile and nod to say she gets it and sometimes I'll even get an "I'm sorry" because she realizes shes being out of line but I'm not really that sensitive it's more of a joke between us than anything else.

But some have thinner skin. So you gotta know your audience.
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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

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I asked him to move it to the linen closet, and jokingly asked him if he had ever seen it in our closet. Wouldn't answer, and told me that I was being rude to him and making him feel badly by asking that question.
...
- no matter what I say or how I say it, either my words are wrong, or my tone is wrong, and I don't know how to talk to him without offending him in some way.
If he didn't say anything, would you have realized what you said was rude? Even if you don't realize it was rude, it was. It sounds like you may say other things like that where you think you're being funny or sarcastic, but it's coming off as insulting.

Imagine if you asked where a screwdriver was and he answered, "In the same place it has been for the past 10 years. Don't you know where it is by now?"

It could also be the case that he takes things very literally. Some people don't pick up on jokes or sarcasm very well.

In any case, when you say something sharp like "Have you ever seen it in that closet?", you bear some responsibility for how it's received. If you know that he's sarcastic and plays along, then it's not a problem. But if the person often takes things the wrong way or in a way you don't intend, it's your responsibility to reduce those types of misunderstandings.

Do you know if he has any autistic or Aspberger tendencies? If so, people like that are very literal and may not understand the sarcasm at all.
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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:50 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.


Peace and long life
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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Funny thing happened

In all honesty, I'm the one who does the majority of home repairs, partly because it's my home (his name isn't on the deed, and he moved from his Mom's house into mine), and partly because I'm the one who makes time to do them. So, if anyone is going to know where a repair tool is, it would be me. If however he said something like that to me, yeah, I'd be a little offended. And yes I agree that that situation was my fault and my responsibility. I guess I've unfortunately started not accepting that responsibility anymore because he's pretty much told me that he won't change his communication ways so I can better understand him. I guess it's become: "he isn't so why should I?" thing. That will have to change! I know that he's very sensitive, so I need to talk more gently to him. I don't think he has any Asperger tendencies; he puns A LOT, and he finds those pretty hilarious. We have very different senses of humour!

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If he didn't say anything, would you have realized what you said was rude? Even if you don't realize it was rude, it was. It sounds like you may say other things like that where you think you're being funny or sarcastic, but it's coming off as insulting.

Imagine if you asked where a screwdriver was and he answered, "In the same place it has been for the past 10 years. Don't you know where it is by now?"

It could also be the case that he takes things very literally. Some people don't pick up on jokes or sarcasm very well.

In any case, when you say something sharp like "Have you ever seen it in that closet?", you bear some responsibility for how it's received. If you know that he's sarcastic and plays along, then it's not a problem. But if the person often takes things the wrong way or in a way you don't intend, it's your responsibility to reduce those types of misunderstandings.

Do you know if he has any autistic or Aspberger tendencies? If so, people like that are very literal and may not understand the sarcasm at all.
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 02:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Funny thing happened

Geez, 3X, I'm sorry that happened; it's not much fun to have to try to work through something like that!

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Some people get offended no matter what the hell you say to them. My XH was that way. Every damn thing that came out of my mouth offended him, he took EVERYTHING as a personal attack, no matter how benign and not related to him it was!
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

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I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.
A person who acts like an idiot may not be doing it "on purpose", that may be all they can do, and when they're spoken to like they ARE an idiot, it's hurtful because they're doing the best they can and they are still criticized for it.

Sometimes people that aren't all that bright are very frustrated because they just don't seem to be able to get tasks done as efficiently as other people so they're already on edge to begin with.
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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 02:07 PM
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Re: Funny thing happened

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I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.
Mr. Spock, that's circular reasoning. How very human of you.
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Funny thing happened

It's all good; it was my fault and stupidity. I know how he is, and know that we have really poor communication. I never should've talked to him that way, and my frustrations were showing through. Not an excuse, I know. He's not the idiot; I am, and this thread has shown me a lot, including how my communication inadequacies are a problem in the marriage, and to be honest, I'm feeling pretty damned lucky right now to have found someone to put up with me! :-)

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I am forever perplexed as to how someone can behave like an idiot and then be offended when they are called on it. If he put the box in the right closet he would have never heard "have you ever seen it in that closet" but instead it was her who was rude and insensitive for calling him out on his idiocy. Fascinating.
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