Re: When do you realize it's never going to work and let it go?
Chica...RJ....girls...what have we gotten ourselves into???
First of all...Chica....if ANY man tricked me by getting me pregnant without my consent, that automatically would make me run the other way. Not only is that a complete lack of respect, to me, its a complete breach of trust. Yes, you love your son and you couldn't imagine your life without him...however, your husbands lies and deceit to get your son here has already caused friction in your marriage. Second of all, my husband is 41 and he is very active. We enjoy wine, and socializing, and travelling - 40 is not old, and sorry if he feels that way, but there is NO reason, his health or not, why you should have to sit around your house all day and watch TV or not enjoy a drink every now and then. Thirdly, I don't know how serious his injury at work was, but as a health care professional, I can assure you that there are activities that he can do with you and your son that would probably benefit him and his injury. Sitting around all day won't help him. If he's like this now, whats he going to be like in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? I would go insane. And do you want more children? If you do, you have to realize that the brunt of the work will be done by you, the full time working mom, with a lazy ass husband.
One of the reasons that I have chosen not to have children is because I cannot imagine having children with my husband. I know for a fact that he wouldn't get up and change a diaper, or feed the child, or clean up after the child, or plan any activities with the child (unless its in front of the TV), or go to their games, or etc, etc, etc. I already feel like I loathe my husband because I know he would be the worst father. I've seen it with his own son...if it wasn't for me pushing him to do something with his son when his son is visiting, all they would do is watch TV (which sickens me to no end).
As the bread winner in my house, one of our arguments right now is how my husband can earn more money. He tries, but he works a commission based income that has caused more arguments than you can guess, especially with the economy the way it is. He says that at his age, he doesn't want to start a new career path. I even asked him "even if that meant losing his wife"? He said he wouldn't change what he does, period. Wow....nice. So, in the meantime, I pay for everything. Yes, the bitterness and resentment is always present. I am pissed off. He has not contributed anything in months. We planned on building a house next year, and I have been saving with the understanding that he was saving too. I put off going to Italy with my friends because of our decision to build a house. I just found out last week that he hasn't put a dime aside for this, meanwhile, I have been struggling to save and pay for our bills. I was furious....and absolutely still am. So, not only am I not going on my dream trip with my best friends, I am also not getting the house that we have been talking about for years. However, knowing that I now have money saved up, it allows me the flexibility to know that if I want to leave, I have the money saved up to do so.
RJ - you mentioned shoes. I love jackets and coats. We live in colder climate, and so, naturally, I need coats for all 4 seasons. Whenever I buy a new one, I get the look of disdain. HOWEVER, I also don't go in debt just to purchase a coat. I wear scrubs to work. I don't have to think about my wardrobe very much. I don't have many fancy clothes because I just don't need them. I have pretty shoes, but again, I don't need many because I just don't need them for work. My husband, however, works in an office. He thinks he will be the next GQ. He loves expensive watches, suits, ties, shoes, coats, you name it, he will only buy the expensive things. This also goes for wine and liquor. I don't buy expensive things because I cannot afford them because of me having to pay for everything. However, for some reason, my husband can afford to buy these things on a regular basis. When I bring it up, he says its what he likes to spend his money on. Heres another thing....he takes clients out for lunches all the time. Sometimes, a drink or two. I don't remember the last time my husband took me out for supper. He says he can't afford it. But that $40 bottle of wine yesterday he could afford....not like we'll be drinking it....he's saving it for a special occasion. Let me tell you something....should I choose to leave him, I am taking ALL of the special occasion wines with me (since that will be a SPECIAL occasion for me!). Anyways, back to the supper thing. So, in the meantime, I make all the suppers, I buy all the groceries, if I want to go out, I pay. He always comes even if he's not invited, and knowing I'll pay, he gets a glass of wine, and mug of beer, an appy, a dessert....he goes all out. I'm thinking that I could do a quick $20 meal, but my husband makes our bill $100+ every time = piss me off.
As per my therapist, I asked my husband to help me around the house a couple of weeks ago. I gave him a task and a time line. Ie: Please clean the spare bathroom by Sunday. That was 2 weeks ago, and guess what? The bathroom still has not been done. However, I know that he has watched 4 football games, 6 hockey games, and he has played soccer 4 times, today he went curling, he went out for beers with friends once, he's gone to the mall once, well I could go on forever. He hasn't helped out otherwise. He's supposed to make supper once a week (as per an agreement with our therapist) and he hasn't done that yet. He does do dishes and he will throw in a load of laundry every now and them. But thats it. Period...I have to literally throw the bag of garbage at him to take it out.
This week I am working 60 hours. We are going to a dinner on Saturday night with some friends. It is our responsibility to bring the dessert. I make everything by scratch (because preservatives make me feel yucky) so on my little time off, I have to make some desserts. I asked my husband what nights he was home so he could help me, and low and behold, we couldn't coordinate anything - I seriously think its because I used the words "can you help me?".
OOOOOHHHHH - I am mad today. I am trying to calm down before I head off to work, but I just can't seem to get this anger out of me. Just breather....venting makes it better though....thanks for listening!