lovemybabies

Hi All,

Just a quick question, for those of you on here considering seperation/divorce...does your spouse see a problem or do they think everything is fine...status quo?

Ive been in this world of limbo for a long time and have brought up the issue many times and nothing changes. My H doesn't bring up our issues at all and thinks everything is fine between us.

Anyone in the same boat??

firetiger

My H does sees some issues but he thinks that i'm cheating when in reality nothing is going on. Though i have been thinking about a separation/divorce for a year now.

YinPrincess

Yes, my husband sees that we have problems, but he is convinced they're all MY problems. He is much too eager to agree to separate, than he would to agree to work on things... Because I'm the only one who needs work. :facepalm:

I really consider divorce based on the fact that nothing will improve if he can't see the areas he could be improving in...
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lovemybabies

same here, I'm the one with the issues and he said I need to talk to someone to sort out my feelings to get my feelings back for him. He's done nothing to try and make things better and the less it's talked about the better he feels. He calls me hon and sweetie but hasn't tried to rekindle anything, but I"M the one in therapy. I'm so frustrated

HerToo

My W knows all of it. The EA, my lost passion, my counseling sessions, and possibility of divorce.

RP49D22

As a husband going through potential separation issues, I have a little perspective I suppose. Maybe we can help each other here.

I recognize the issues, I have been controlling and never saw it for years...don't know why, the light bulb just didn't go on. Finally three weeks ago when my wife said it again, I happen to read some articles and realized that I have a behavior that needs to be changed. I have been diligent for 3 weeks, while she's asked for space.

I didn't think any cheating was going on prior to this. Now, I find out that she has some friends across town that I never knew about (girl friends/work friends) who all started at the same time. My wife has been so secretive and does not communicate with me, so I have no alternative but to think now that something may be going on.

My wife wants to go to a little get together with these work friends that I just learned of yesterday...for the first time. I didn't know they existed, I have no clue who they are...good people or bad influence....so now I am suspicious.

I would suggest you be open and honest with your husband and communicate as much as possible. Don't hind things because they feed the "cheating" fear.

Now can you tell me, what does it mean when a wife says I need some space. You just need to back off, so that I can figure out if I still love you (after 21yrs mind you)?

RP49D22

As a husband who just realized that he has controlling behaviors, I can say that your husband just might not see it yet. It took me a long time to realize there was a problem. Be open an honest with him and communicate as best you can.

lovemybabies

I have brought it up many times over 11 years. Even got to a point over the summer that I blew up and said enough was enough and we tried a trial seperation for a month, we had to go back to the same house because his shift work etc and it hasn't been discussed since. He thinks all is fine. AND i just found that he's looking at porn and potential chat sites. I can't be bothered bringing it up again, what's the point.

Blindasabat

I wouldn't say fine but she doesn't know I know what she has done. We argue anyway without the cheating being out in the open but
she says the other day we should take a trip to california next year and I was thinking sh'yeah! Not likely! But said yeah I've never been
so she is in the dark for the moment but won't be for long.
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RP49D22

I think you should calmly confront him, otherwise it will fester and boil up and over. My wife let a lot of thing fester and it seems to become a self fulfilling prophecy. Confront him! If he's looking at porn its probably because he is not getting enough sex....BUT sounds like he needs to fix his problems before you will find him attractive emotionally and physically and I don't blame you.

I think you should call him out on it and ask him why he would be putting the energy into porn and chat, when he could put it into making his marriage better.

firetiger

Hmm well my husband backed me from my friends that we knew from high school and told me to never talked to them again. And in a way it gets annoying when everytime he has to throw in my face that i might have somebody else...

RP49D22

It's possible that he feels insecure with himself, fears losing you, and wants to prevent you from talking to anyone who might be able to take you aware from him.

Do you do little things to compliment him, make him feel reassured that you love him? It always helps to be a little affectionate....a hug, a kiss, an "I love you".

Do you think he has self esteem issues? Is he controlling?

deejov

I have to say that I also "brought things up" many times, and it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

However, eventually the light bulb went off and when he was ready to talk.. it came out and now there is an attitude that we must work it out, whatever that takes.

I puzzled about this for a long time. I was convinced I wasn't communicating correctly. I tried several methods.

The only thing I really did that I think helped was a version of the 180

I stopped talking about the relationship.

I got busy with my own life. At least twice a week I went out with friends and he was blindsided because I wasn't home. Didn't hide my whereabouts. Nothing funny going on.

I completely stopped making advances.

I said NO when he finally got the urge to ask for sex.

I only hugged him when he hugged me first, and it was a weaky one at that.

I stopped calling him. At all. Not once during the day.

He has since said to me that when I stopped being physical and said NO to him, that was his first clue that he was going to watch me walk me out the door. He said in his mind... as long as we were having sex and being "touchy", things were okay.

I'm not sure if everyone has their "catch" point or not. But I know sometimes talking just doesn't cause an effect. There has to be some consequences to it, if it's so important to you that you are willing to leave the relationship, you need to find it or leave.

I wish you luck !

RP49D22

Being a husband on the flip side of this....I was blindsided and that's when I realized I was being controlling. It's been 3 weeks and I've done a complete turn, but it's going to take a lot longer. Hopefully for me it's not too little too late. So I agree with you and experienced what your husband did.

needtobehappy

I'm on the other side. My husband and I have been separated for two months now after 21yrs too. He said he finally realized how crappy he has treated me and how bad it really was. Yet, this is not the first time we have been apart. I kept telling him that I was miserable and can't stand the way he was treating me. He told me that he knew I was miserable, but was going threw his own thing and didn't know what to do or even care. I told him that he killed any feelings that I had left for him. So it took me leaving him to finally realize it. I feel it's a little to late.... Plus he was ignoring out 3 year old son too and that REALLY pissed me off....So Is that a bad way of thinking about it, It's a little too late??? Someone on here said "Just because two people love each other, doesn't mean that they are ment for each other".

Does she say to you that she misses you and still cares for you, but just needs some time?