This is a message for @Wally79
. I sent her a private message but I am not sure it reached her because it doesn't show up in my Sent messages box. Maybe my account was put on "limited activity" by mods or something else, I am not sure.
I am not responding to any troll posts and this is my last message on this thread. I just want to make sure the post reaches the OP.
Hi, I just wanted to say that I am sorry the way the other thread has gone. I am writing a private message because I don't think there is anything I can write on the public board on this topic without getting attacked by a horde of trolls and it doesn't help your situation in any way if you waste your time reading petty posts.
I am also writing because it always breaks my heart to see a break-up of a long-lasting marriage, especially if there are children involved. You have to understand that these boards are often dominated by people who have either been dumped or cheated on or the feminist brigade shows up from time to time who view any male sexual fantasy as a perversion so I worry you may get a very one-sided perspective and make a rash decision that you might regret later.
What your husband has done (and if I understood it correctly, he has obtained intimate photos of you without your knowledge), is very wrong and he definitely crossed a line. He not only invaded your privacy but also broken your trust. I realise it must be difficult for you to see past this because once you see someone in a different light (as a pervert) it is almost impossible to undo this image.
If there is any part of you that wants to salvage the marriage, you should really try counselling with him. (I realise it may be already too late for this).
I am just going to go out on a limb (be aware that I may be off the mark: you are much better placed at finding out what the real deal is) and voice just one possibility of what might be going on: he may have difficulties communicating his desire for you and also feels embarrassed communicating things that turn him on. A lot of people have sexual fantasies that they find impossible or very difficult to communicate either because the know they will be rejected or made fun of by their spouse.
If those fantasies can be communicated and discussed, it can help both partners overcome frustration and lack of trust (as long as those fantasies don't harm anyone: in your case, it is a grey area at the moment because it is not clear what motivations he may have had in mind. He may have wanted to have a nude photo of you but was too embarrassed to ask for it in the first place or he knew you would never let him take one or he could have a fantasy, like performing sexual acts on you while you pretend to be asleep (this is actually one of my wife's fantasies sometimes and something that is pretty common and fairly low down on the spectrum of kinks; it's to do with giving up control or taking control, if it's initiated from the other side). Many couples enjoy all kinds of kink and it's all about communication and trust and willingness to try things out (I am not saying you should try anything out that you are not comfortable with but it's always good to understand where the other person might be coming from.
There may be trust issues in your relationship which may prevent both of you discussing ideas and sexual preferences with each other. It doesn't automatically mean that he is a criminal or a total pervert. And I really worry because on the thread, every person is basically shouting "pervert!" and it means that there is only ONE WAY how this is going to play out: you are going to leave him and break up your family. I am not saying this is the wrong decision and it could be that he may really be a pervert and a criminal. Although if you have been together with him for 15 years, I think it would have manifested itself MUCH earlier on in your relationship. (It is usually easy to tell form the kind of porn he likes to watch, what really turns a guy on.)
Anyway, whichever way you decide to go, I just want you to be aware of all the possibilities because you will get a very narrow picture on these boards. I have received a number of private messages of support to say that there's no point arguing a case because some will NEVER see the other point of view, even if factual evidence is against them, and they just come on the boards to argue and wind people up because they have nothing else in their lives also like others to "join their club of misery", as I wrote previously. You just need to look at the "Coping with Infidelity" threads to see what these people are like (and I partly understand where they are coming from: being sceptical and assuming the worst is a protective mechanism and sometimes does pay dividends).
Best of luck to you and your family.