Feels like I'm married to a little kid and Im probably pregnant...

Mona Lisa · 01-10-2009, 11:53 PM

Married 2 years and we live in a 3 bedroom house. I work 40 hours a week, he's been layed off (construction) since August. So, the house is disgustingly kept, no dishes ever washed except by me. He just gets angry when i say I AM NOT A HOUSEWIFE - I am working full time, paying all the bills and i'm too tired to do housework. He's at home all day long and never never cleans. 8 wednesdays of the garbage man coming by and he's NEVER took out the trash. I do. He said it's because his mom always did everything so he thinks thats the way it should be...?

His little dog craps on the floor in every room and he just leaves it until i say "can you pick up the poop?" He always gets mad and then usually forgets to even do it. I am so grossed out at my own house that i have fantasized about just moving out and having a clean tidy lovely home. I can afford it. He can't get by without me. Don't get me wrong though, he's not a bum and works hard at his job when he isn't layed off. It's the dirty stinking house that is becoming too much for me!

Lastly, i think I'm pregnant. I am HAPPY. I just don't know if i can do this, have a baby and the stress off arguing with a grown man about housework, and generally feeling like i'd rather be alone. Can i do that or am i stuck with this man-child???

Blanca · 01-11-2009, 02:20 PM

well he obviously is not good at being a house-man. I'd be pretty ticked off, too i think.

is he looking for another job? are you going to stay home when you have the baby? when he was working was everything ok?

he obviously feels you two should have very conventional roles when it comes to housework. if this was going to be a permanent situation, then ya id definitely say you have a big problem. but if this is just a temporary arrangement, then id say grin and bare it until things get back to 'normal'.

Its been my experience that talking yields very poor results. Its when you start actually doing something about the unwanted behavior, that people change.

Mona Lisa · 01-11-2009, 06:08 PM

THANK YOU. he is traditional as far as roles in the relationship. He'll be back to work in April so I'm not stressed about that. Even then though, I'll still have to keep house. I was married once before and it is clear to me that some men ARE clean and DO pick up after themselves, even while working full time.

I guess I wonder if I'm just too angry at this point. The marriage doesn't feel functional to me. He always turns it around and in the end nothing gets done and I'm turning into a nag

I can't see a solution anymore except me giving up and working full time, cleaning full time- and being resentful or just moving out. and i have said this.

Can you picture an infant crawling around in piles and piles of dog poop? Thats child abuse

If these small concerns of mine do not even warrant any change in my husband then what of the important things?! I look down the road and think it'd be better to leave now and be a single mom then do it when the childs 4 or 5 and scarred by the fighting.

I'm so angry

Blanca · 01-11-2009, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mona Lisa

Can you picture an infant crawling around in piles and piles of dog poop?

Ya i can b/c i did. i grew up with a ton of animals. i remember watching tv while sitting next to our doberman pincher/great dane and watching excrement come out of him, right beside me. I was so used to it though. i just scooted over.

anyway enough down memory lane, you'll want to do something about your anger. It is one thing that your H is so lazy, but being as angry as you are, it'll be difficult for anything productive to come out of it all.

I read a great book over the holidays called The Anatomy of Peace: Amazon.com: The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict: The Arbinger Institute: Books
I liked the book b/c so many times i feel im being told just avoid conflict, but it is necessary. The author's of this book talk about going to war with a heart at peace. It was a good read for me and helped me with some issues i was having.

honey28 · 01-11-2009, 09:18 PM

who did the housework when you both worked full-time? from the way you describe the situation, I'm guessing that you did it then too, but maybe you expected him to contribute more on the homefront when he lost his job, but he didn't and that angered you? Are you resentful that he is not working? Is he depressed? Just asking b/c some men, especially those who generally work hard and take pride in working tend to value themselves based on income/earning potential/networth/etc...Also, if you are pregnant I think it is very normal that some of the things that just used to bother you suddenly seem more relevant and important, that's normal especially if it is your first child. Try to talk to him when you are not angry and explain that while you are very proud of and have the utmost respect for his mother and her abilities, you and she are too different women and apparently God did not bless you w/ the strength or desire to do everything in the house and work-full time too (I'm sure his mom wasn't whistling and humming all day while doing everything and working, if she even did it) Does he know you may be pregnant???

moogvo · 01-12-2009, 08:31 AM

More stories about me it seems...

Again, I was on your husband's end of this dilemma... My wife ended up dumping me which opened my eyes. I am not suggesting that you dump him, but you might want to read my story to gain some insight...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-feelings.html

swedish · 01-12-2009, 11:47 AM

When I was over-whelmed with working full-time and keeping up with the house (and 3 small children)...I hired a cleaning service...every 2 weeks. I was out with friends for dinner one night and they all talked about their cleaning service (all were SAHM) and I thought, what the heck...if anything, I should be the one that has one! Anyway, if it's in the budget, it might be worth looking into.