Smoking Gun Found BUT ? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

Been married for decades with grown up kids. After a difficult last 5 years of doubts, confusion, and constantly second guessing myself concerning suspicions of infidelity, this week I finally saw proof that my H is on a casual sex hook up site. After all his past denials and claims that I am insecure I now know I wasnít crazy and strangely right now I no longer feel a need to question him and know everything and, although I do feel a little tearful at times, I simply want to end things and move on asap in case he tries to win me round.

He could well be successful at winning me round because I have no close extended family to support me and few close friends. Although I am terrified at the prospect of being alone, I am somewhat confident that I can make a success of the rest of my life (in my fifties now but thankfully in good health and younger looking).

I am Relieved because I no longer need to be constantly wondering if I am overreacting and paranoid. Now that I have something concrete it doesnít matter to me what his excuses are and I just want to separate and divorce asap and get away from him.

However a couple of things are impinging on my relief at finally having proof.

No 1 my H was diagnosed with early stage cancer earlier this year. He has successful had treatment and at his initial check up the doctors were extremely pleased with his progress, and so was I because I do not wish him ill despite all. He is still very well and due another check up in a few weeks and we are expecting him to get another good report. However it just doesnít feel right for me to say I want to separate from a husband who has cancer, even though he currently on a dating site and has likely been unfaithful on and off throughout our entire marriage.

I get on well with his family and am proud of the way I have bent over backwards to support him through 3 operations over the last 4 years (only 1 was cancer related). I really hope all will still be well with him on the next checkup as I need to save my sanity and leave and I fear guilt would overwhelm me and I might stay if he did not do well at the next apt. Should I feel guilty about this? What will his family think of me if I divorce him? They donít know about the years of doubts and the evidence I have found and I really donít want a lot of drama but at the same time I donít want to be painted as the bad guy deserting a sick man. Would you stay if the next apt did not go well?

No 2 - how do I live in the same house as him whilst we try and sell it. I simply no longer wish to be around him but at the moment I havenít yet confronted him about what I have found out. I am past being angry and just want a quiet amicable divorce if there is such a thing. I crave peace and freedom after the way he has denied and denied over the last 5 years (and before).

No 3 - I donít even feel like I owe him any explanation for why I have now finally decided to divorce. Next week I will arrange to take legal advice so I guess I should at least wait until then before I say anything.

At that point, Is it bad for me to just throw him the womanís name and leave it at that. I donít want to waste my breath conversing back and forth with him about it or have to listen to any platitudes or further denials which insult my intelligence. I have made up my mind that I have to separate from him and Iím not holding my breath for a confession although this would be nice coz at least we could part with a tiny bit of respect intact if he were to admit things and show some remorse but this is highly unlikely and anyway I am somewhat weak and donít want to miss this opportunity to go because the last 5 years have taken a big toll on my emotionally and physical health which I have had to work very hard at to restore.

I am also past the point of wanting revenge or wanting a revenge affair (which was at the forefront of my mind years ago when my suspicions were first predominant). I just want pain and heartache to be behind me now and to forgive him (for MY sake, not his) and move on with my life without wasting any more time on someone who was given every opportunity to come clean but could never hold his hands up.

Any thoughts on the above or advice on how to move on cleanly would be very welcome.

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 01:46 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

You are very generous and mentally healthy. A very mature woman, Thee Be!

Assuming you have a good job and income:

You will need a place to live, in the interim. Get an apartment for now. Not close to where you live now.

Separate your finances.

Get new credit cards in your name only. Close out the others. Do this days before you move out. You do not want to alert him until D-Day2....aka, departure day.

Talk to an attorney to get the divorce papers drawn up and what other steps you need to take.

Stop worrying about what others will say or do. They have no say in this.

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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 02:15 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

It sounds like you are well prepared to move on, and I think you will do just fine once the initial adjustment is over. Once you have legal counsel, you can figure out how to handle separation, house sale, and living arrangements suitable to your financial situation. Did the evidence you found indicate they'd met, intended to, or had they only messaged so far? It may not make any difference at this point, of course, because you know he was at least looking no matter what actually happened.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

SunCMars
Unfortunately No - I do not currently have good job and income but am willing to find something to supplement the work I do from home which I love but doesn't pay well. Luckily I do have some savings to tide me over for a bit. As much as I need to be away from him I do worry about giving up possession of the house, but I can't seem him voluntarily moving out.



Married but Happy

I don't know if he met anyone but it's a site where you have to register to access profiles and the female on screen showed her location to be in the city where we live. At the very least he was looking for someone local.


Thanks for your encouragement. I dont feel like I have any choice but to separate and somehow make things work out for me. I have held myself back in so many ways over the past few years just firefighting to support the relationship and neglecting other stuff - hence my isolation - but that was poor choice on my part.

He's going to really hate me for finally finding him out and I have no intention of covering up for him to others if questions are asked.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 03:50 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

While you're working out what you want to do, how you want to do it, etc, back up any and all evidence that you have in at least a couple of different Cloud-based locations.

Sorry you're here.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 12-30-2016 at 10:24 PM.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 04:11 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

In most cases, you should never feel guilty for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and make you happy. Especially if you have treated the person fairly which sounds like you have. And what his family thinks of you now or later is irrelevant--don't live for other people.

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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 09:50 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

Sorry you are here.

I can really relate to the worry about leaving an ill spouse.

My d-day was this past August, and my H also has cancer. At the time, even though he is stage 4, he was dong pretty well.

I have struggled a lot about whether I could leave or not. He hadn't shown any remorse, but our kids are still teenagers. H's treatment of me since d-day has been awful, to the point where I no longer have romantic love for him.

About a month ago, his health worsened and he is now inoperable... end stage. I had told myself I would push separation if his results were stable, but since the results were bad I have chosen to stay. I'm still conflicted as to whether it's the right decision or not, as I am not happy, even if H and the kids are.

Anyway, I can really empathize with your position... I know how hard it is. I can say I think it would be a lot easier for me to leave my H if his cancer was early stage and treatable.

Also wanted to say I admire your strength ... you seem very level headed.


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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 10:03 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

@release2016 I don't know how to advise you; no-one can make the decision but you; which I'm sure you know. I wish I could think of some wisdom that would help.

You are so reasonable sounding, and you seem to lack malice. So, based on that, I would think that your husband has really abused your trust severely for you to be at the place you are now.

And, if that is the case; you should leave. Yes, it's difficult that your in-laws might slander you. If they won't be a part of your life post-divorce, who cares? But, I think I would give them a general idea; H has been sexually wandering for years of your marriage.

The cancer situation really does make it hard. If there was anyway to wait to leave; just until he either passes , or stabilizes and recovers-----I guess I would want to do that.

I'm not saying to wait indefinitely. I agree with your resolve to not put up with his faithlessness. But you might be at peace emotionally if you feel you saw him through the worst of his situation. I don't know. I'm just trying to get a feel of what you could do to make the parting final, yet humane and amicable under the circumstances.

Very difficult situation to be in.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 10:26 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

Perhaps the lady on the hook up site would like to look after him while he's ill instead?

If you have no more feelings for him I would leave. Staying only because he has cancer is like staying because someone says they will commit suicide if you leave. Its a bit of an unintentional emotional hostage. He clearly has not had your best interests at heart for the past 5 years. You dont owe him anything. You certainly dont owe his family anything. I would have a quiet talk with his mother and let her know you have been suspicious for years and have now found proof that he has been unfaithful and that as much as you regret having to leave him whilst he has cancer this was really his choice when he did what he did. He made the choice for you.

You can always stay amicable and visit him from time to time or take him to appointments if he needs someone to drive. (I would only do this if you felt comfortable having that degree of contact. )This will make you seem like a saint.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-30-2016, 10:27 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
Sorry you are here.

I can really relate to the worry about leaving an ill spouse.

My d-day was this past August, and my H also has cancer. At the time, even though he is stage 4, he was dong pretty well.

I have struggled a lot about whether I could leave or not. He hadn't shown any remorse, but our kids are still teenagers. H's treatment of me since d-day has been awful, to the point where I no longer have romantic love for him.

About a month ago, his health worsened and he is now inoperable... end stage. I had told myself I would push separation if his results were stable, but since the results were bad I have chosen to stay. I'm still conflicted as to whether it's the right decision or not, as I am not happy, even if H and the kids are.

Anyway, I can really empathize with your position... I know how hard it is. I can say I think it would be a lot easier for me to leave my H if his cancer was early stage and treatable.

Also wanted to say I admire your strength ... you seem very level headed.
Completely platonic, of course...




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Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 10:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken50 View Post
Sorry you are here.

I can really relate to the worry about leaving an ill spouse.

My d-day was this past August, and my H also has cancer. At the time, even though he is stage 4, he was dong pretty well.

I have struggled a lot about whether I could leave or not. He hadn't shown any remorse, but our kids are still teenagers. H's treatment of me since d-day has been awful, to the point where I no longer have romantic love for him.

About a month ago, his health worsened and he is now inoperable... end stage. I had told myself I would push separation if his results were stable, but since the results were bad I have chosen to stay. I'm still conflicted as to whether it's the right decision or not, as I am not happy, even if H and the kids are.

Anyway, I can really empathize with your position... I know how hard it is. I can say I think it would be a lot easier for me to leave my H if his cancer was early stage and treatable.

Also wanted to say I admire your strength ... you seem very level headed.


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Many Thanks for this heartbroken50. You have certainly given me some food for thought. Your situation is way more difficult than mine as your H is so ill. He is SO very fortunate to have you.

With my level headed hat on, it would probably be best to separate before his next appointment but be clear with him that I would make every effort to be there for him should he need any help healthwise, as nursejackie has suggested. He's well now so if I am to go, this is the time to do it.

In theory I find i can be quite level headed but when it comes to taking action I can be a terrible procrastinator and I'm always afraid of doing stuff which cannot be reversed.

And I'm scared of being alone. I moved from my parents to live with H at 21 and so have never lived by myself. To be honest I'm sufficiently scared to be continuously contemplating if we could "separate" and still share the house permanently - this keeps coming up in my mind even though I know it would be better to make a clean break. We have spare bedrooms and since I dont have a great income I might have to do this to begin with in any event.

I certainly am aiming to be strong and realistic this time around as 5 years ago I literally made myself ill. I was pretty niave, ignored my gut. I did the best I could do at that time but nevertheless I allowed myself to be manipulated when i should have stood firm - but in the interim I have grown and above all I try to be as positive as I can and know deep inside I do have strength.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 10:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

Right now he's on his computer, happy as larry, in another room where you cannot see the screen when you enter the room, and he has enough time to quickly close windows before anyone gets near. It's taking all my strength to stop myself going in there and telling him that I know he's been on at least one hook up site but, as some have said, I need to speak to a lawyer first so I know where I stand legally and have some sort of workable plan straight in my head.

Even though I'm not in love with him anymore, there is still love there and it's so hard to live in the same house with him and detach when I know what he is capable of/getting up to on his computer right under my nose. Detachment advice anyone!
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by release2016 View Post
And I'm scared of being alone. I moved from my parents to live with H at 21 and so have never lived by myself. To be honest I'm sufficiently scared to be continuously contemplating if we could "separate" and still share the house permanently - this keeps coming up in my mind even though I know it would be better to make a clean break. We have spare bedrooms and since I dont have a great income I might have to do this to begin with in any event.

I certainly am aiming to be strong and realistic this time around as 5 years ago I literally made myself ill. I was pretty niave, ignored my gut. I did the best I could do at that time but nevertheless I allowed myself to be manipulated when i should have stood firm - but in the interim I have grown and above all I try to be as positive as I can and know deep inside I do have strength.
Don't be afraid to be on your own. It is actually very empowering to be fully in charge of your own life. I would suggest getting out BEFORE the next appointment. If there is a new concern, then he will need to take charge of his own care. Sorry if that sounds cold, but he made his bed by being unfaithful, now he gets to lie in it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

I think irregardless of how you present leaving to his family, you will come off as the "bad guy". Now matter how you feel, his family will likely take his side and they will make things difficult for you. Drop any plans for a "quiet divorce". He'll likely fight you on this because he's going to need a place to stay where someone can take care of him. This might take more an emotional toll on you than if you leave. Any divorce is not likely to be quiet, even moreso in this case because you plan to leave someone who is sick and can't take care of them self.

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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Smoking Gun Found BUT ?

He is not currently sick.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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