32+ years coming to an end - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

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I contacted my therapist to start back with her and see how things go for me. I pretty much made a decision today that there must be something wrong with me to stay all these years, take the crap but still sit here thinking there is some kind of chance. What the hell? He made a remark when we talked the other day about "the other girl" saying she hoped things worked out for us, my response was, "oh that was nice" but I am thinking you didn't just stop talking to her, you called and pleaded your case and apologized to her trying to smooth things over and make you look like the good guy. Same Rodeo, different town, he did the same 15 years ago. You can apologize to them but not to me? I think he can't be honest and I already have trust issues so where does that leave me, willing to take a chance and accept whatever crumbs he throws my way? No, I don't see how I can trust him(once again) since he pleads his case they were just friends and swore he would prove it by showing me the emails, texts, etc but low and behold, he can't they were all deleted! You can't prove what isn't true right. I am such a sucker! When times get bad your recourse is to run and get attention from some stranger? You can have a hour conversation with a stranger but not 10 minutes with me or your son? What am I thinking? I would have almost accepted him saying "your right I found someone else I am interested in and its really not your business" as opposed to telling me repeatedly you were just friends, why can't married men have women friends. Its a repeat of many years ago and took me years to trust again and never fully. I don't see how he could make things better and don't think he can and I think he knows this. He went to his therapist today and I texted him to ask her how we can get through this disaster and come to an end while remaining semi normal people and his response was "get rid of the kids and house" I said ok, and the sneaky soon to be ex husband too? He must have texted 5 times later asking what I meant by that I never did respond.
Oh my goodness lady, you are walking in my footsteps, literally! Addiction will ALWAYS win. You cannot compete with his addiction....the one he denies. It does not matter what the addiction is in a person's life, it takes priority. They have to to get their "high" or "fix."

Let me ask you, in all your years together was there ever another man? Could you ever betrayed your vows and your husband by pursuing another man? Why would you ever stay with a man that finds this okay to do to you?

Are you messed up? No! You have integrity, you are passionate and you have a great deal of compassion and this is what your husband is abusing. Why? His needs come first and what he desires he gets no matter what. he might lie to you to keep you or to keep "peace" but he is not sincere. He will say what he needs to get you off his back.

These men are so twisted in their thought processes. When I met my (now) ex he had told me that his wife had an affair and left him with the boys. he told me that he knew women didn't like him and so he had not dated in the 3 years since he was single. Made himself look like the very honorable and committed father that was stung by a real bad woman. I had no reason to doubt him and his family supported everything he said so I thought it was all true. The truth of the matter was that he was leaving his wife at home with 2 toddlers while he went out drinking with the guys after work without calling home. She made friends and decided to do the same which he did not like as he felt she should have been at home taking care of their children. One night he demanded that she be home at a certain time and she was not so he locked the door and would not allow her in. This man is a very vindictive type. He then contacted an attorney and filed for custody of their sons. She had no money, he would not allow her to have anything from the house except her personally belongings. Accounts were not split, she had nothing. She had no savings and could not hire any attorney. She ended up moving out of state and in with her mom to get on her feet. Once she left the state he had the boys staying thru the week with his sister who lived up the road from him about 20 minutes. So instead of taking care of his sons after work, picking them up and making sure they had the stability he sent them off while he went and drank with his buddies after work. What kind of guys does that? Someone with no compassion for another person, someone who has no remorse and cannot stand accountable for his own actions.

Once I figured this out about my ex I should have ran but I did not....I supported him. Looking back I can see how stupid I was. I hold on to hope that they love us, that something we say or do will make a difference, that everything will work out. At some point thought you have to realize that you deserve better, your children deserve better and you need more than crumbs from this man who does not have it to give to you.

I think it is good that you are going back to your therapist. You are not messed up lady, you are starting to see the light!

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post #17 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Have you read this book?
Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men
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post #18 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:42 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Stick with your counseling (IC).

And read that book turnera suggested. You need to learn to stop being afraid of how you really feel.

"That's nice" should have been "I'm not interested" or "I'm not OK with you talking to her."

You're going to have to detach and start speaking your truth to be able to build yourself up.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #19 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Let us know how the therapy session goes.
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post #20 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I was married for more than a few decades to a liar and a cheat. I decided to R when he swore he would have no further contact with his "friend" (he never admitted she was more). That turned out, decades later, to be another lie -- big surprise -- and I finally divorced him. I heard all the stories about there being nothing there, blah, blah, blah, just friends, blah, blah, blah. Don't believe it. Liars lie.
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post #21 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Therapy in another week. I gave him a "joseph" letter today explaining I don't think this girl situation was strictly friends and if he wanted to fight for our marriage as much as it might hurt i needed complete access to everything. His response, I will have to ask my lawyer because all my account info is on my phone. I said I don't want your bank stuff (stupid he is hiding this anyway) I want the text, chats, video. Nope no budging. I calmly told him thanks I get the answer if he was so innocent it would be no big deal but he isn't going to (as i expected). So its done, we can move on. I texted the girl he was all over like white on rice and told her she could have him and she text back they were just friends, she has a man, blah blah blah but neither of their stories adds up. I call bullchit. Anywho guess i need to start inventorying and make an appt with my bad ass lawyer asap. He said he thought we were going ahead as planned anyway I said by all accounts and discussions of late you wanted to "work" on things, so I give up.
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post #22 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Sunshine, I think you have your answers and you have to trust your gut on this one. I had a very similar situation and I too contacted the girl and she also said they were "just friends." She was the office *****, so to speak. She was flirting up all the men, including the married guys. I could see what she was doing, she didn't care if they were married or not. She had all these guys wrapped around her little finger. She was not attractive....heavy, crooked teeth but she was sure loving the attention of these men and vise versa. She and my husband went to lunch together, he would resupply her candy bowl with candies and munch them down and chat with her and then have to keep replacing them. Just friends? Well, she ended up marrying a guy just down the hall from husband's office, a man who was married and had two children at the time when all the flirtation garbage was going on. That's how "just friends" work in the office place when you have two eager bodies trying to get to know one another and stroke each other's egos.

Husband and I had counseling about all this. He told counselor that he thought this was just "typical male behavior." The counselor told him, with me sitting there, that some men do this and feel it is acceptable but what it is is cheating. He told my husband any attention, time spent and time seeking other women for his personal pleasure is cheating. That time and energy should be spent on our marriage, that when he takes time away for these other women he is robbing me and the marriage. And because of his actions I had got to a point where I felt I could not longer trust him. I forgave and forgave. I was clear as to what was not acceptable but he just tried harder to hide what he was doing. He could look me in the eye and lie without hesitation or blink.

Good luck with your attorney!
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post #23 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

My ex-husband was very similar. There were several women who reported to him over the years that he claimed were "just friends". One for sure wasn't and I suspect the others weren't either.

Work is the primary place for affairs.
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post #24 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I feel like an idiot he has sucked me in twice in the last few weeks being so sweet and nice and now I am pretty sure his lawyer has fed him to be nice, say the right thing, all so he can protect his assets. After 32 years its all about the money. Red flags all over the place.
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post #25 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Yep!!!! Be very careful! More than likely he will play the nice card to get you to bend to what you deserve and want from the divorce. I contacted an attorney....they told me that based on income from him and me that I should be awarded $_______ for alimony. My husband (now ex) nearly croaked. I was to be awarded this for life. He told me he was willing to pay my house pmt but that was more than fair in his book which was basically the equivalent of the retirement pay from the military that the governments figures indicated would be the proper amount to pay me. I told him if he thought he was going to pass this off in and get away with it in court he better think twice because no judge was going to approve of what he wanted. To try to work with him I did agree to $500 less than the attorney figured and I agreed that alimony would stop if I should remarry.

I have been self employed working part-time, raising 5 kids and moving all over the world with his career for 24 years. No degree. Moving on meant starting up my business and trying to make enough to support myself and our daughter who is going to college. It takes time to build up any kind of business. Moving expenses on top of all that, moving to another state, it all became very expensive and here I had agreed to less to be peaceful. It hurt me financially in the long run so keep that in mind as you are going thru this process. You have to take care of your needs.

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post #26 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I want to add another perspective and why he's being nice. He's having doubts about ending it. It's an internal battle. He'll think about all your history, the kids, potential grand kids. Then there's the one we men always think about, the thought of you with another man would tear him up.

Yes, he's being unfaithful but come on, you cut him off sexually for 2 years. How long is a man supposed to be sexually cut off before he goes out and finds another for sex and affection?

I've read so many threads of OW/MW who were so sure their AP was finally going to leave the wife. The MM will say "today is the day I'm going to tell her it's over, we can finally be together." Then BANG! He looks at his wife, thinks about all they have together and can't do it. What happens next shocks the OW. Her number is blocked and she gets a NC letter.

You say want to salvage your marriage yet you don't want to make the first move. I'd bet my next paycheck that you could snatch his heart in a second. No cheap woman that's willing to sneak around with a MM can compete with what you offer. ONLY with you does he have honor. Only with you can future grand kids come to see grand pa & grand ma TOGETHER.
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post #27 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:49 PM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

One finds some pretty high walls built in 32 years...

We've all had them, some depend on them for a lifetime.

If you can forget his role in this one area for a moment... what do you think it would take to cast aside your walls?

You might think... "My goodness then he would have a clear shot at my every vulnerability".

What if you believed in yourself enough that every shot fell at your feet?

We are all a little broken... we're human. The past is done and there is nothing we can do about it, today is what matters for us.

Your trust is especially broken, whether it be alcohol, money, sex, vows... one can't build those back without boundaries, and you can't have boundaries without faith in yourself.

It's never too late for boundaries.

Remember, you cannot set other's boundaries... these are for you, and they must be attainable to be successful.

What boundaries would you set that effectively stops those efforts to hurt you fall at your feet, and allow any positives to reach you?

There are positives... you just may not be aware of them right now, but they are there.
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post #28 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 05:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

JSMART You could be right and in many ways I am sure you are. I did make a move, twice, we have two wonderful heart felt discussions and I felt we were making progress and things could move forward. When I ask for all the evidence of his EA he threw at me he would have to ask his lawyers advice? When I asked for it I told him I needed closure and wanted him to lay all his cards on the table but he can't. I think he is where I need to be, its over and we need to move on. Your are also right, after two years I too am surprised he hasn't ran off. I think what made me maddest was he is in therapy and won't talk to his therapist but can find some stranger and talk until the cows come in, and therapy was supposed to get things better. I don't really get that.
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post #29 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 05:20 AM
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Cool Re: 32+ years coming to an end

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JSMART You could be right and in many ways I am sure you are. I did make a move, twice, we have two wonderful heart felt discussions and I felt we were making progress and things could move forward. When I ask for all the evidence of his EA he threw at me he would have to ask his lawyers advice? When I asked for it I told him I needed closure and wanted him to lay all his cards on the table but he can't. I think he is where I need to be, its over and we need to move on. Your are also right, after two years I too am surprised he hasn't ran off. I think what made me maddest was he is in therapy and won't talk to his therapist but can find some stranger and talk until the cows come in, and therapy was supposed to get things better. I don't really get that.
He won't discuss those issues with the therapist because he fears that he will be found "naked" by their mere presence!

You did or will do the correct thing in filing!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #30 of 100 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 05:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I guess I don't understand that but its true. But he is in therapy by himself with a really nice therapist and she said its not unusual for latino men not to talk? Yet giving him another excuse. He was in therapy, a safe place, no one else but he won't talk yet can meet some stranger and spill it all I just don't get it at all. Looking from the outside in I think he liked the female attention (and I get that) he even said something to that affect but he swore they didn't talk about "us" and I texted this girl and she said he talked about us and the kids problems. I think he was infatuated getting some female to look at him and talk to him but he crossed the line.
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