I contacted my therapist to start back with her and see how things go for me. I pretty much made a decision today that there must be something wrong with me to stay all these years, take the crap but still sit here thinking there is some kind of chance. What the hell? He made a remark when we talked the other day about "the other girl" saying she hoped things worked out for us, my response was, "oh that was nice" but I am thinking you didn't just stop talking to her, you called and pleaded your case and apologized to her trying to smooth things over and make you look like the good guy. Same Rodeo, different town, he did the same 15 years ago. You can apologize to them but not to me? I think he can't be honest and I already have trust issues so where does that leave me, willing to take a chance and accept whatever crumbs he throws my way? No, I don't see how I can trust him(once again) since he pleads his case they were just friends and swore he would prove it by showing me the emails, texts, etc but low and behold, he can't they were all deleted! You can't prove what isn't true right. I am such a sucker! When times get bad your recourse is to run and get attention from some stranger? You can have a hour conversation with a stranger but not 10 minutes with me or your son? What am I thinking? I would have almost accepted him saying "your right I found someone else I am interested in and its really not your business" as opposed to telling me repeatedly you were just friends, why can't married men have women friends. Its a repeat of many years ago and took me years to trust again and never fully. I don't see how he could make things better and don't think he can and I think he knows this. He went to his therapist today and I texted him to ask her how we can get through this disaster and come to an end while remaining semi normal people and his response was "get rid of the kids and house" I said ok, and the sneaky soon to be ex husband too? He must have texted 5 times later asking what I meant by that I never did respond.
Oh my goodness lady, you are walking in my footsteps, literally! Addiction will ALWAYS win. You cannot compete with his addiction....the one he denies. It does not matter what the addiction is in a person's life, it takes priority. They have to to get their "high" or "fix."
Let me ask you, in all your years together was there ever another man? Could you ever betrayed your vows and your husband by pursuing another man? Why would you ever stay with a man that finds this okay to do to you?
Are you messed up? No! You have integrity, you are passionate and you have a great deal of compassion and this is what your husband is abusing. Why? His needs come first and what he desires he gets no matter what. he might lie to you to keep you or to keep "peace" but he is not sincere. He will say what he needs to get you off his back.
These men are so twisted in their thought processes. When I met my (now) ex he had told me that his wife had an affair and left him with the boys. he told me that he knew women didn't like him and so he had not dated in the 3 years since he was single. Made himself look like the very honorable and committed father that was stung by a real bad woman. I had no reason to doubt him and his family supported everything he said so I thought it was all true. The truth of the matter was that he was leaving his wife at home with 2 toddlers while he went out drinking with the guys after work without calling home. She made friends and decided to do the same which he did not like as he felt she should have been at home taking care of their children. One night he demanded that she be home at a certain time and she was not so he locked the door and would not allow her in. This man is a very vindictive type. He then contacted an attorney and filed for custody of their sons. She had no money, he would not allow her to have anything from the house except her personally belongings. Accounts were not split, she had nothing. She had no savings and could not hire any attorney. She ended up moving out of state and in with her mom to get on her feet. Once she left the state he had the boys staying thru the week with his sister who lived up the road from him about 20 minutes. So instead of taking care of his sons after work, picking them up and making sure they had the stability he sent them off while he went and drank with his buddies after work. What kind of guys does that? Someone with no compassion for another person, someone who has no remorse and cannot stand accountable for his own actions.
Once I figured this out about my ex I should have ran but I did not....I supported him. Looking back I can see how stupid I was. I hold on to hope that they love us, that something we say or do will make a difference, that everything will work out. At some point thought you have to realize that you deserve better, your children deserve better and you need more than crumbs from this man who does not have it to give to you.
I think it is good that you are going back to your therapist. You are not messed up lady, you are starting to see the light!