Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

32+ years coming to an end

24K views 118 replies 21 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
Sorry if this comes out mixed up, my emotions are a turbulent roller coaster. Married 32 years, he is retired military, two kids; one at home, one on their own. I shut down physically and emotionally two years ago; so yes we haven't had sex or any sort of intimate relationship in a long time. I felt I have nothing left, dead. I am trying desperately to come to gripes with the situation, I know in my head its over but getting my heart there is the hard work. I still love him but feel we have zero glue holding us together. Many years of alcohol issues (his), money issues, sex issues, you name it, we are both broken folks trying to put ourselves back together separately. I am in therapy to figure out my life and see how the hell I got here today, he is in therapy trying to work on a relationship with our son (another story). So much sorrow, so many regrets, anger and pain. I take responsibility for shutting down, I guess it was my last ditch effort to make him see me, really see me and it backfired, that is on me and I am owning/suffering the consequences. We live in the same house for the time being, moved to separate room just under two weeks ago. Working with trying to get financial crap, houses, kids, etc worked out, just crazy times. We had issues our entire marriage although there were good times there were some really bad too. We are both strong willed, stubborn people stuck in hell at the present time. When I ever get my crap straight I will start at the beginning. I find peace here, read some things that hit home, some good some hurtful. Thanks for being here.
 
See less See more
#105 ·
I am so happy to read this update. Sorry he has been such a pain in the butt through all this, but that was expected, unfortunately. Be honest with your kids. If you dont want to hear about him, then TELL them that, they should respect your feelings. Your kids are adults, and should act as such. They will figure him out, this is all still pretty new and I'm sure he is filling their heads with all kinds of crap, so make sure you keep communication open with them, so they can sort out the truth.

GOOD FOR YOU!
 
#106 ·
Divorce was finalized Nov 20th. I should be elated, I am to a point but with it can so many feelings at once I don't seem to really want to deal with any of them. Thanksgiving was ok, kept my emotions under wraps. I am still having issues with the golden child. Seems her dad and I are held to two different standards. She has decided to cope by not knowing because it would alter her perception of us? I get that to a point but we have always had an open honest relationship and I felt like I had to fear her knowing something about me that would change how she felt about me. I have always been an open book(maybe too open) and there isn't nothing she couldn't ask I wouldn't answer honestly, regardless of the outcome. I was offended by this and told her, we talked a bit about it, things are strained and tensions are high. She told me she knows he has issues but will have a bigger issue if I say anything about him to her, which I won't. She seemed to not understand I don't want to know about him nor his life ever and as selfish as that sounds, its the only way I can cope and heal. She seems to think that is temporary, not for me it isn't. I am having a hard time accepting any grown adult (my kid or otherwise) can so easily defend another person(father or not) that was hell bent on destroying their mother. She is quick to defend him and they can now have a fake, fantasy land relationship that she has supposedly fought so hard to change, she always wanted a real one with him. I just have to come to grips with this and realize it is what it is but its difficult for me. I seem to get short changed because I am the strong one, its always been like this, a hard pill to swallow.
He is supposedly leaving, far away, not sure I believe it because he lives and breathes for her, since the day she was born, me and my son were always pushed aside for his and her wants, sometimes its almost creepy to me. But the farther away the better for me and having peace. I will believe he is gone when I see it.
Time to figure out what I want in life, time to be a bit selfish, will be again hard for me.
I will continue to come here and read, I will continue to try to get stronger and overcome.
Thank you all!
Sue
 
#108 ·
I am having a hard time accepting any grown adult (my kid or otherwise) can so easily defend another person(father or not) that was hell bent on destroying their mother. She is quick to defend him and they can now have a fake, fantasy land relationship that she has supposedly fought so hard to change, she always wanted a real one with him.
If you read anything about psychology and parenting, the parent who withholds himself/herself from the child is the parent the child develops an obsession about 'achieving.' Meaning, if she always wanted a 'real relationship' with him, she will overlook anything to suck up to him at this one point in his life when he's willing to include her. She can't help it. It's sick, it's twisted, but it's psychology.

And remember that the 'safe' parent - the one you KNOW really loves you - is the parent the child will abuse in a moment of crisis because, well, they KNOW you really love them and will always be there for them.

So if anything, if it helps, know that all this really means is that she knows you love her, and she knows her dad doesn't.
 
#107 ·
Congrats on the divorce! Sorry your daughter is giving you so much grief. I think eventually she will come to see him for who/what he is. Stick to your guns that you dont want to hear about what he is doing, and not bad mouthing him. (yes, be honest when she asks questions, though) I have a friend dealing with her daughter going through pretty much the same thing. My friend cheated on her husband, he kicked her out and the kids stayed. (she is the youngest, senior in high school, everyone else is grown but still home) She vehemently defends her dad's awful behavior for some reason... I think she has too much sympathy for him. He has put all the kids in the middle, bad mouthing my friend, dragging them into things they dont need to know about, guilting them for spending time with her or talking to her. Its pretty awful, but she is dead set defending him. And SHE used to tell my friend that she should leave him and would talk about finding places to live, etc! Its crazy. One daughter has already moved out because she couldnt take his crap any more, and hopefully one day the youngest will see the reality of what he is doing. I hope that for your and yours.

Your new life has begun, embrace it.
 
#109 ·
Thank you and I know in time it will pass, just very hard on my emotions. Turnera you put into simple words what I know and see; I am not just the strong parent, I am the safe one. Just feels one sided and like I am taken advantage of. I guess I have to wait it out. She treated me terribly in her teenage years; fraught with abuse by boyfriends and anger issues, I was the one she "hated" and spewed venom at. After years of therapy she did apologize saying she did it to me because she knew I could handle it and that was hard to understand, still is at times. Why they abuse the loving forgiving parent but that ******* parent gets all the attention and kudos is hard to wrap your head around. My son is the scapegoat, desperately holding onto a thin line with his father, getting a few crumbs here and there but he is wiser to what his dad is. My daughter speaks so highly of her dad "finally" trying to have a relationship with his son where I feel "really, how nice after 21 years", another way she defends him. It is twisted, sick and makes me want to walk away from them both at times, heartbroken. I am not sure anymore who I am let alone who I should be with them; I am supposed to remain strong and loving and supportive but I also feel resentful. This is new territory for me and I am not sure from one day to the next what to do, I just want to distance myself from it all. Thanks again for the knowledge, insight and support, I will eventually find my way. Sue
 
#110 ·
My viewpoint is this: MY job as a mother is to BE a mother. Mothers guide, teach, mold, and yes, tell your child when they're doing wrong. I'll still be correcting my daughter when she's 50, cos that's my job. And yes, when she is rude to me - I tell her so. When she hurts my feelings, I tell her so. So she'll learn not to be that way with other people. If you're resentful, tell them why. And then step back and let them think on it. What they do with that information is their choice. But you'll have done your job.
 
#115 ·
Reading forum and books and talking with other that had similar experiences, has taken me a while to accept he is not what I thought I married. Reflecting and remembering strange dramatic and weird stories that had to have been made up as a cover for something. Being gaslighted. Finally being able to know he has no true emotional capacity and how it was lacking from the get go. So I will steer away from “charmers” and alcoholics. I do so hope one day I find real love but it won’t be for a while, me trying that is.
 
#116 ·
Since it's going to be over there is no value in attempting to figure out anything that has to do with him. It's designed so it won't make sense to you.

Only figure out how YOU can be happy on your own moving forward.

I just kept asking myself "how can I make this all different than it's ever been?"

And so, with that,my whole life changed - and it changed for the better.

I let go of all of my past - it was baggage dragging me down. It was doing me NO good thinking about any of it.

I never knew the real him. The narcissist man I was with for 27 years didn't even know himself.

It was very freeing. No more lies, cheating and manipulation!!

And so I get to be free! You can too. Just keep moving forward - and let go of everything (including thoughts) that are in the past. Make everything new and fresh to invoke change.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top