32+ years coming to an end - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 08:38 AM Thread Starter
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32+ years coming to an end

Sorry if this comes out mixed up, my emotions are a turbulent roller coaster. Married 32 years, he is retired military, two kids; one at home, one on their own. I shut down physically and emotionally two years ago; so yes we haven't had sex or any sort of intimate relationship in a long time. I felt I have nothing left, dead. I am trying desperately to come to gripes with the situation, I know in my head its over but getting my heart there is the hard work. I still love him but feel we have zero glue holding us together. Many years of alcohol issues (his), money issues, sex issues, you name it, we are both broken folks trying to put ourselves back together separately. I am in therapy to figure out my life and see how the hell I got here today, he is in therapy trying to work on a relationship with our son (another story). So much sorrow, so many regrets, anger and pain. I take responsibility for shutting down, I guess it was my last ditch effort to make him see me, really see me and it backfired, that is on me and I am owning/suffering the consequences. We live in the same house for the time being, moved to separate room just under two weeks ago. Working with trying to get financial crap, houses, kids, etc worked out, just crazy times. We had issues our entire marriage although there were good times there were some really bad too. We are both strong willed, stubborn people stuck in hell at the present time. When I ever get my crap straight I will start at the beginning. I find peace here, read some things that hit home, some good some hurtful. Thanks for being here.

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post #2 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 08:50 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

@sunshinesas, that's a lot to pack into one paragraph. Sorry that you are where you are.

I am guessing from your post that the reason you shut down physically and emotionally was because of your H's alcohol, money, and sex issues? You don't go into great detail, but I'm guessing that all of these issues went to the extreme and you kept forgiving him, meanwhile more and more of your love for him died inside.

You're certainly not alone. I think you'll find many posters here will relate to your situation. It's good that you are both in therapy individually, it will certainly help.

Given the title of your post, am I to assume that you two are divorcing?


If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.

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post #3 of 95 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

@sunshinesas do you want to fix your marriage? Do you want love and intimacy again? When you said that you shut down in your marriage, was that you say to try to get your husband's attention? It's good that you take responsibility for your part.
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post #4 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-01-2017, 10:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Sorry been crying for days, the pain inside seems so unbearable. Satya yes for all those reasons and the fact we were in a contastant power struggle and I felt we never had a normal healthy relationship. Yes we are in the process of divorce but seems we go round and round and haven't made much headway. MrStrongMan yes I would love to have a great relationship but it can't seem to happen if it is one sided. And yes, I shut down because I felt I had nothing left to give and also a last ditch effort to make him see and want to work it out. I have hurt him as much as he has hurt me. Seems we tried a few good times over thirty years but never kept at it. I think he no longer wants to do it or even try between telling me there is no chance, finding a "friend" rather quickly
(that is now not active) and making me know "he is what he is and isn't going to change' gives me no hope. He thinks I don't want him but don't want anyone else to but the truth is up until he started texting and talking I sadly thought there may be some way to work things out. I am the strong one, always fixing and managing everything but this I can't fix. I do love him and don't want anyone else but we can't stay in a marriage were we are both miserable.
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post #5 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I know this is a hard time for you. But its ok to let this end, it sounds like there was effort put in for a long time, and it just doesn't work. So stop fighting with yourself, there is no need to beat yourself up. Keep posting here and we will offer you support and answer questions along your journey. You are getting the opportunity to finally find some peace and happiness.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #6 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-04-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

It's probably too late for the marriage, but it can't hurt to read this book: His Needs Her Needs.
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post #7 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 06:29 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I was married for twenty years, most of those years were full of conflict and drama. I think if I would have looked up and saw a piano falling from the sky and about to hit me my last thought would be "finally, it's over".

But you know what Sunshinesas, just like you when my marriage finally was coming to its end I was emotionally devastated. It took some time but I realized I was upset about the end of the dreams and plans we had made, the end of our family unit. I projected some of those feelings on my then wife, thinking I was going to miss her, thinking if we just worked harder we could make things work. But the cold truth is I didn't like the person I was married to, I knew we were a bad match and remaining together would only prolong our misery. When she moved out it was like a storm passed out of my life, the relief she was gone was over whelming, my life has been better every single day since. Truthfully I wished it had happened years earlier.

Sunshinesas I wonder if you are going thru the same thing, I wonder if deep down you know you want to be divorced from the man you are married to, you realize you are a bad couple, you're trying to hold on because if you divorce it puts an end to those dreams you had. You are thinking you will miss him, but the reality is you will miss what could have been. Take it from me and many others, there is a great life to live after divorce, right now is traumatic but you will get thru the divorce and things will work out just fine. Then your life starts fresh, you can do whatever you want when ever you want, you will be amazed at how happy and relaxed you will become. Makes me smile just thinking how nice my life is right now, I bet in the near future you find yourself smiling and thinking "thank goodness I stepped out from under that piano!" lol

Hang tough, it will be worth it.
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post #8 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Sunshine, I just recently went thru a divorce form my husband would was a career Air Force man. As you mentioned we too had alcohol issues (his), money issues, sex issues, perhaps not the same. I have been part of the military life and family for the past 27 years being with my husband. I have seen alot as I know you have too. My ex was one of the heavy drinkers as there tends to be some very heavy drinking among the men. His TDYs seemed more about going off and having fun with the guys, drinking heavy and going to strip clubs or trying to get into brothels in Holland, than they were work itself. he would call me from his hotel and would be drunk. If we had military friends over for a grill-out he'd be drunk. We spent 16 of our 27 years together overseas so military became our family and that is who we spent holidays with. Holidays were the worst for my ex who would drink all day. I could tell you stories!!!!

The good thing here is that you are in therapy trying to figure out who you got to where you are. I did just like yourself. My ex was pretty hung up on emotional affairs and pursuing other women, a porn addict, and I was for the most part, I feel, a convenience to raise his sons (from his first marriage- he had custody) and take care of of all the household duties. He was emotionally unavailable to us all. he lied and covered up for years but actions speak louder than words. After 19 years of marriage he admitted his feelings for these women over the years. he never admitted to physical affairs but I would not put it past him. I realized then my whole life in caring for him, his children and trying my best to make a marriage work had been very one-sided. I had communicated well, he just did not care. I could not get past this and I tried just to maintain friendship to keep from tearing our family apart. Our youngest was still in high school. Like you, I started sleeping in the spare room which made him mad and he is passive-aggressive so I had to pay for hurting him, rather than him realizing I was hurt by his behavior thru the years. I started therapy to untwist the roots and figure out why I had ended up with a man who treated me so poorly, and why I stayed so long.

After 5 years of sleeping in the spare room, living as roommates I finally filed for divorce. I realized there was nothing left to salvage and he had no interests except to blame me and try to hold me accountable for his actions. I realized thru therapy that I had been my family's scapegoat and never had the love of my mother and my ex was just like my mom. It has taken me baby steps to get where I am now and it was quite a process but here I am 5 years later and I have been able to forgive my mom, accept my role in my family of origin, I see how that influenced me and what I was willing to accept in others and how they treat me. It wasn't just in my marriage, it was with friends and people I worked with. I was the eager pleaser, the codpendent, the caregiver. Changing that takes a lot of hard work because I always want to shift back, even now, to be that people pleaser.

All of this may not pertain to you but I shared in case it did.

I got out. Left my ex 5 months ago. It was freedom walking out that door.

Continue to work on yourself and understand how you got where you are. Do not be hard on yourself. You have had your wake-up call and you are now seeing your life in the reality by reflecting. This reflection in reality will help you to get where you need to be. No more excuse making, no more passing up red flags, no more coasting to make it work.

My thoughts are with you! You can do this!!
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post #9 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

The thought of separation isn't any harder after one or thirty one years. It's the reason, and the future - or lack thereof - that should keep one going.

In a few months I'll be starting the process myself after 35 years together, 32 married. A laundry list of reasons, pretty much any of which should be enough on it's own.

Do I feel sad? Not really. I know I tried. The human mind, a subject I know well, is a wonderful thing. But once in a while it goes haywire.

And without professional intervention, and often with it, nothing works.
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post #10 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 02:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

Been a few days. AVR thank you for your heartfelt post, seems these ex-military guys like to blame alcohol issues on "just drinking with the guys and relieving stress" but it is more than that being on the other end we see it. I gave up therapy a month ago because I believed I was strong and in a good place and really my therapist was great but it was more like venting to a good friend, of course in her defense, I was not in the place I have been in the last few weeks. We talked a long time the other day, a first of not arguing, etc and it was nice but I am careful not to fall back into things because I really haven't seen a change from him nor a want to make one. I was honest and really trying to not hate, not want to strangle him and talk like an adult and hear, I think he did better too. I think the hard part for me was being so angry and having to realize I still love him very much but I want to be in it for all the right reasons and I am still not sure that is enough. I think he started talking to another girl for two reasons; 1-I threw in the towel and the attention was great, 2-even though he doesn't agree, I think it may be easier for them to move on to someone new than trying to fix a relationship that has 30 plus years of unresolved issues. I get that, just makes me angry how one person can so easily move on but its life. I actually got angry enough to want to go at him physically, afterwards I felt sick because I never felt so blind rage and because that is polar opposite than the person I am. The past week I have tried to focus on me and my reaction to things but I still feel we are stuck in a rut, neither going forward. I want very much for him to fight for me, to be a new man or better one, but those are just pipe dreams. I need to get back into therapy, may someone new and move ahead. Thank you all for your continued support this is but a few pages of a lifetime book so although confusing I am trying to get it out.

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post #11 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-08-2017, 07:10 PM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

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Originally Posted by sunshinesas View Post
Been a few days. AVR thank you for your heartfelt post, seems these ex-military guys like to blame alcohol issues on "just drinking with the guys and relieving stress" but it is more than that being on the other end we see it. I gave up therapy a month ago because I believed I was strong and in a good place and really my therapist was great but it was more like venting to a good friend, of course in her defense, I was not in the place I have been in the last few weeks. We talked a long time the other day, a first of not arguing, etc and it was nice but I am careful not to fall back into things because I really haven't seen a change from him nor a want to make one. I was honest and really trying to not hate, not want to strangle him and talk like an adult and hear, I think he did better too. I think the hard part for me was being so angry and having to realize I still love him very much but I want to be in it for all the right reasons and I am still not sure that is enough. I think he started talking to another girl for two reasons; 1-I threw in the towel and the attention was great, 2-even though he doesn't agree, I think it may be easier for them to move on to someone new than trying to fix a relationship that has 30 plus years of unresolved issues. I get that, just makes me angry how one person can so easily move on but its life. I actually got angry enough to want to go at him physically, afterwards I felt sick because I never felt so blind rage and because that is polar opposite than the person I am. The past week I have tried to focus on me and my reaction to things but I still feel we are stuck in a rut, neither going forward. I want very much for him to fight for me, to be a new man or better one, but those are just pipe dreams. I need to get back into therapy, may someone new and move ahead. Thank you all for your continued support this is but a few pages of a lifetime book so although confusing I am trying to get it out.
I so do understand. I do understand that blind rage. I reached that point too. My (now) ex had the emotional affairs I was speaking of, we had counseling for them. Well, low and behold one of those ladies moved back to the area we were living, you know military. Ex (while married) did not tell me. We were invited to a Christmas dinner and were sitting in the car outside this couple's home, a coupe I had got to know as friends. I was told then that is was possible that one of ex's EA ladies would be at this dinner party. Talk about bewildered, I didn't know she was even in the area. Sure enough, 20 minutes after we were at this dinner party she comes in with her new husband who just happened to work down the hallways from my husband and was married at the time.....put two and two together there. My husband chats with this lady for a good 10 minutes in the front room all happy to see one another. I was disgusted. I could not believe the whole situation that just played out. I could not stay. We got home and I lost it. I have never ever been so out of control. I told him to leave. I was done. The nerve of him. How could he have done such a thing? How insensitive and selfish!

If you feel you have reacted wrongly think again. Okay, we don't like the lack of control over our emotions but basically you lost it because of all the garbage you have endured.

I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD. Not just from that one incident but from years of crap!!!
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post #12 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:51 AM
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

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Originally Posted by sunshinesas View Post
Been a few days. AVR thank you for your heartfelt post, seems these ex-military guys like to blame alcohol issues on "just drinking with the guys and relieving stress" but it is more than that being on the other end we see it. I gave up therapy a month ago because I believed I was strong and in a good place and really my therapist was great but it was more like venting to a good friend, of course in her defense, I was not in the place I have been in the last few weeks. We talked a long time the other day, a first of not arguing, etc and it was nice but I am careful not to fall back into things because I really haven't seen a change from him nor a want to make one. I was honest and really trying to not hate, not want to strangle him and talk like an adult and hear, I think he did better too. I think the hard part for me was being so angry and having to realize I still love him very much but I want to be in it for all the right reasons and I am still not sure that is enough. I think he started talking to another girl for two reasons; 1-I threw in the towel and the attention was great, 2-even though he doesn't agree, I think it may be easier for them to move on to someone new than trying to fix a relationship that has 30 plus years of unresolved issues. I get that, just makes me angry how one person can so easily move on but its life. I actually got angry enough to want to go at him physically, afterwards I felt sick because I never felt so blind rage and because that is polar opposite than the person I am. The past week I have tried to focus on me and my reaction to things but I still feel we are stuck in a rut, neither going forward. I want very much for him to fight for me, to be a new man or better one, but those are just pipe dreams. I need to get back into therapy, may someone new and move ahead. Thank you all for your continued support this is but a few pages of a lifetime book so although confusing I am trying to get it out.
I honestly believe that people who are heavy drinkers or alcoholics do not have the capacity to care for other people the way they want to be cared for, they don't love themselves, if they did they wouldn't destroy themselves with alcohol, so how can they really love someone else?
I have been where you are wanting my RAH to 'fight' for me when I threatened to divorce him, he did eventually as he got the right counsellor. We are not out of the woods yet. If your H is busy looking for alternatives to you, I would suggest you have wasted too much time with him already, give him what he wants. Some men are selfish and will never change.
YOu have to get counselling for yourself only, leave the marriage aside, work on you and what you want out your life for you. No other person can make you happy, you have to be happy with yourself. The other person is only a bonus if they are there for you.
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post #13 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I think you might have nailed it on the head
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post #14 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

The drinking too precedence over everything else and I agree I don't think those that do it can be compassionate about anything else nor care as deeply about others around them. So sad, he missed so many things in the kids lives when they were little but it is his loss. My daughter is a recovering alcoholic and I can't help to wonder if I would have left earlier would things have been different for her or was it actually some gene thing, his grandfather was a raging alcoholic.
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post #15 of 95 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 32+ years coming to an end

I contacted my therapist to start back with her and see how things go for me. I pretty much made a decision today that there must be something wrong with me to stay all these years, take the crap but still sit here thinking there is some kind of chance. What the hell? He made a remark when we talked the other day about "the other girl" saying she hoped things worked out for us, my response was, "oh that was nice" but I am thinking you didn't just stop talking to her, you called and pleaded your case and apologized to her trying to smooth things over and make you look like the good guy. Same Rodeo, different town, he did the same 15 years ago. You can apologize to them but not to me? I think he can't be honest and I already have trust issues so where does that leave me, willing to take a chance and accept whatever crumbs he throws my way? No, I don't see how I can trust him(once again) since he pleads his case they were just friends and swore he would prove it by showing me the emails, texts, etc but low and behold, he can't they were all deleted! You can't prove what isn't true right. I am such a sucker! When times get bad your recourse is to run and get attention from some stranger? You can have a hour conversation with a stranger but not 10 minutes with me or your son? What am I thinking? I would have almost accepted him saying "your right I found someone else I am interested in and its really not your business" as opposed to telling me repeatedly you were just friends, why can't married men have women friends. Its a repeat of many years ago and took me years to trust again and never fully. I don't see how he could make things better and don't think he can and I think he knows this. He went to his therapist today and I texted him to ask her how we can get through this disaster and come to an end while remaining semi normal people and his response was "get rid of the kids and house" I said ok, and the sneaky soon to be ex husband too? He must have texted 5 times later asking what I meant by that I never did respond.
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