Re: 32+ years coming to an end
Sunshine, I just recently went thru a divorce form my husband would was a career Air Force man. As you mentioned we too had alcohol issues (his), money issues, sex issues, perhaps not the same. I have been part of the military life and family for the past 27 years being with my husband. I have seen alot as I know you have too. My ex was one of the heavy drinkers as there tends to be some very heavy drinking among the men. His TDYs seemed more about going off and having fun with the guys, drinking heavy and going to strip clubs or trying to get into brothels in Holland, than they were work itself. he would call me from his hotel and would be drunk. If we had military friends over for a grill-out he'd be drunk. We spent 16 of our 27 years together overseas so military became our family and that is who we spent holidays with. Holidays were the worst for my ex who would drink all day. I could tell you stories!!!!
The good thing here is that you are in therapy trying to figure out who you got to where you are. I did just like yourself. My ex was pretty hung up on emotional affairs and pursuing other women, a porn addict, and I was for the most part, I feel, a convenience to raise his sons (from his first marriage- he had custody) and take care of of all the household duties. He was emotionally unavailable to us all. he lied and covered up for years but actions speak louder than words. After 19 years of marriage he admitted his feelings for these women over the years. he never admitted to physical affairs but I would not put it past him. I realized then my whole life in caring for him, his children and trying my best to make a marriage work had been very one-sided. I had communicated well, he just did not care. I could not get past this and I tried just to maintain friendship to keep from tearing our family apart. Our youngest was still in high school. Like you, I started sleeping in the spare room which made him mad and he is passive-aggressive so I had to pay for hurting him, rather than him realizing I was hurt by his behavior thru the years. I started therapy to untwist the roots and figure out why I had ended up with a man who treated me so poorly, and why I stayed so long.
After 5 years of sleeping in the spare room, living as roommates I finally filed for divorce. I realized there was nothing left to salvage and he had no interests except to blame me and try to hold me accountable for his actions. I realized thru therapy that I had been my family's scapegoat and never had the love of my mother and my ex was just like my mom. It has taken me baby steps to get where I am now and it was quite a process but here I am 5 years later and I have been able to forgive my mom, accept my role in my family of origin, I see how that influenced me and what I was willing to accept in others and how they treat me. It wasn't just in my marriage, it was with friends and people I worked with. I was the eager pleaser, the codpendent, the caregiver. Changing that takes a lot of hard work because I always want to shift back, even now, to be that people pleaser.
All of this may not pertain to you but I shared in case it did.
I got out. Left my ex 5 months ago. It was freedom walking out that door.
Continue to work on yourself and understand how you got where you are. Do not be hard on yourself. You have had your wake-up call and you are now seeing your life in the reality by reflecting. This reflection in reality will help you to get where you need to be. No more excuse making, no more passing up red flags, no more coasting to make it work.
My thoughts are with you! You can do this!!