I messed up repeatedly. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 11:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Email and text should be for logistics only.

Talking in person is for deciding your futures.

Come on.... Talk with one another!

I'm trying to! I spent all night trying to talk with her and was repeatedly shot down. We tucked the kids in to bed and proceeded to sit in the living room while she worked on the computer. I attempted conversation over and over again and was met with either no response, "I don't want to talk," or outright asking me what I thought it would accomplish. She ended up going to bed and I spent the next hour standing in the bedroom trying to talk to her again. She finally told me that she was done completely, she would never love me again, and that she was filling out the divorce paperwork on the computer earlier and would have it ready today. I don't want to give up. I don't want to lose my wife, but I don't even know if I have a wife to lose at this point. I think I lost her years ago and she was just hanging on until she finally felt ready to tell me she was done. I hurt her so much and I just want to make the hurt go away. I feel so lost...


It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

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Chris Taylor - Therapy didn't work because it was basically speaking about things we were already discussing. Nothing new ever came out in therapy. We would go, talk for an hour about the same things we've been discussing for a week, pay, and then leave to only come back the next week and do it all over again. What should I expect from a therapist? I don't have a lot of experience with therapy, but maybe this was just a bad one?
Go back to therapy.

Go with a list of issues, what you want the results to be and when you want to see those results.

Share them with the therapist and be prepared to make a few realistic changes to the lists.

Then re-start therapy, occasionally going back over the lists to make sure the therapy is on track.

I went through two marriage counselors and a therapist (all three just viewed me as billable hours) before I did the above and it worked out pretty well.
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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

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You married your mother.
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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 09:39 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

You cannot pick blood but you can pick friends, GF, wife. You can have a great marriage but not with her. Go for it.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Everything that has happened between you and your wife since you shut down has more than likely put your wife's emotions towards you in a tense, at-bay, we can exit together and she is probably more focused on the kids now. The tripping incident more than likely made her step back further. Imagine an empty door jam in your head.....when your wife was not being acknowledged and ignored she emotionally started moving from the living room to the door that leads outside. With every hurtful thing she felt she kept moving closer to that door. She might be struggling too as she might not want to leave either, like she says she loves you. Some of these hurts are repairable but they take effort on both parties. On her side though she doesn't know if she can keep loving someone who is not loving towards her and there could easily be trust issues with the tripping incident. My question and something for you to think about is how far out that door is your wife emotionally? If she has set foot outside the door it will be very difficult to get her back. She may waver a little, stepping one foot out and back in but once she decides she is done, she is done. My counselor told me that once women have been emotionally hurt to a point that they have exited the marriage even though they remain married it is very hard for women to come back to the marriage. We build up walls to protect us and put our focus elsewhere.

Counseling for yourself should be top priority no matter what. You can see what has happened and you deserve recognition for that. Now it is a matter of changing your reactions and how you view life and treat others.
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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

JohnA - Why do you think I married my mother? Not sure what you mean. She is nothing like her.

AVR1962 - I see what you're saying. Right now I truly believe she has completely removed herself emotionally from the marriage. Last night after spending hours standing in the doorway of the bedroom trying to talk to her she finally told me she would speak when we were at the courthouse. That's all she has said. I ended up sleeping on the floor of the bedroom just to be near her last night. I'm completely broken inside, and if this is how my wife has felt for the past several years I don't blame her one bit for wanting to leave.

I've reached out to my church to see if they have a counselor I could speak with. I'll update with more information when I have some.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

When a woman falls out of love because of neglect, it is sometimes possible to win that love back. But ONLY if you are willing to literally devote your life to consistent, daily, long-term change in the way you do everything. She would have to see that there IS a new you, one who is learning, vulnerable, humble, and open to whatever she's going through. She needs to see real action from you. You sound like a whiner, no offense - all moaning and no action to change it.

So if I were you, I would (1) buy the book His Needs Her Needs and start reading it daily. Share with her what you're learning in the book, each day. Share your feelings about what you're learning. As well as what you're going to DO with that new knowledge. Once you finish, ask her to fill out the questionnaires.

I would (2) find a good marriage therapist, one with lots of good reviews, make an appointment, and beg her to come with you. Go even if she won't, and ask the therapist to give you concrete steps to take to start changing your attitude and anger and refusal to be vulnerable. Share with your wife what you're learning in it; let her see you putting it into action.

I would (3) try to find little ways to spend time with your wife - a cup of coffee, whatever. Let her see you as a human again.
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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 11:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

I get what you're saying turnera. It's easy for me to whine on here than to face the truth that I severely hurt my wife and that I need to find a way to save my marriage. Thank you. I looked at the book last night and it definitely seems like something I could use. I have it on hold at the library and will be picking it up tonight after work.

Yesterday I spoke with my Pastor for guidance. He advised me to write my wife a letter and put all my feelings and thoughts onto it since she was refusing to speak with me. I did just that and told her that she could read it whenever she felt like it and if she wanted to talk I'd be there. I left her alone after that. She read the letter and proceeded to email me while I was sitting on the couch in the other room. Not exactly A+ communication, but it was more than I've gotten from her in a while. She basically said that while I initiated a lot of her feelings, it's more than that. She says that she completely broken and dead inside and that it's because of yes, me, but also because of work, friends and other family. She feels like she doesn't know who she is anymore and doesn't know how to crawl out of the hole she is in.

She also said, and I quote, " I understand that in your mind, you are going to accept full responsibility for all of this, and a good majority of it has to do with you and all of the thought/emotions that you have stirred up in me, however, it is not all you. There are other factors that play into this.
I am sorry that I am not better. I am sorry that I can't do more. I am sorry that I was not stronger."

So I ended up going to the bedroom and sitting with her. I tried initiating a conversation but she told me that she didn't have the energy right now to talk and just wanted to relax and eat. I went and got us some food and came back. We ate together and watched TV. We laughed a bit together which was nice. She finally rolled over to go to sleep and I ended up holding her all night. I know that there is a lot more work that needs to be done, but at least it's a start. I'm not going to give up on this and I'm going to fight like hell for my marriage.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

My wife sent me divorce paperwork in my email this morning. It's over. I failed completely. Thank to everyone for their help, but I lost this battle a long time ago it seems.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

What did you get out of reading the book?

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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

That while my "love bank" has been high for a long time because of what she has done for me, her bank dried up a long time ago. I kept making "withdrawals" from her without putting more in. I drained her emotionally and mentally and now there is nothing left. I tried to get her to read the book with me, but that was a no go.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

It also explained the affair earlier in our marriage really well. The example was almost exactly like us, except with the genders reversed. She was in school full time, I was working, and she felt neglected. It's the same now, but 10 times worse.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Well, at least you'll understand how to make it work in your next relationship.
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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Perhaps divorcing her is for the best, after all she cheated on you. I know it's hard to realize the marriage is not going to work however much you might want it to.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

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Perhaps divorcing her is for the best, after all she cheated on you. I know it's hard to realize the marriage is not going to work however much you might want it to.
I forgave her for that years ago. That hasn't been an issue for years. I would never hold that against her after this long together.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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