I messed up repeatedly. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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I messed up repeatedly.

This was posted on another sub-forum, but I was sent a message saying I should post it here as it may be more relevant.



This may get long, but it will honestly feel good to get out in the open.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years and together for over 9. We rushed in to marriage due to a unexpected pregnancy. Small court house wedding with a dinner at a local restaurant afterwards. She had a child from before our relationship and I didn't want to have a child with her as well without being married. After a month of marriage we lost the baby. I was heartbroken, and so was she. I grew up in a abusive home and had little to no control of my anger. After just a year of marriage I caught my wife cheating on me with a man from her work. I actually used this website years ago to help with the situation. I was devastated and I took out all my frustrations on her. Never physically, but I was rude and shut down. There was no conversation. After time I realized that I could forgive and move on so that's what we did. We talked it through, she put forth a ton of effort, and we ended up stronger in the end.

Fast forward to about 3 and a half years ago. We were seriously trying to have another baby. Her child from the previous relationship is my daughter and will be until the day I die. I cherish her. I am her dad and she knows no one else in that role. However, we decided we wanted to add another one. After trying for months and months we finally conceived. Shortly after this, my mother died. My abusive, horrible mother, who regularly insulted my wife and family and never attempted to be a part of our lives. I shouldn't have been so broken up about it, but I was. I changed completely. I isolated myself. I was there physically, but not mentally and emotionally. My wife took care of everything while pregnant. I stopped cherishing her and I broke out relationship pretty much completely. I ignored my wife on her birthday, holidays, and daily. I screwed up badly. I stopped caring about my relationships because I was convinced that I would end up just like my mother anyway, so why try? I would end up being alone, angry, and unloved so why put forth effort. Well, it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I let down my best friend and ruined my relationships with my family and in doing so I hurt my children too.

I guess I was in denial this whole time, because I thought things were getting better. About 4 months ago my wife asked if I was smoking again. I told her no, even though I was. I was embarrassed to admit it to her so I thought I could lie about it. She accidentally found my cigarettes and called me out on it. Instead of being a man of conviction I got mad and when she walked by me while I was trying to talk to her I moved in front of her with my leg and shoved her into the doorway. I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did. Since then our marriage is basically nonexistent. We have times in which we talk or spend time together, but it isn't the same. She's repeatedly asked for a divorce, only to take it back the next day after saying she loves me but isn't in love with me. She says I am incapable of change and she is just sitting back watching me fail in trying to repair the marriage that I broke. I am at a loss. I don't know how to fix this. I'm a Christian, and regularly attend church and read the bible, but I don't know where to go from here. I need help, but I don't know what to do. My wife isn't happy and it's my fault. I'm failing my best friend, but at this point I don't even know her anymore. She says she doesn't know me anymore either and that she doesn't know how we're supposed to repair a marriage when we aren't even friends anymore. She's right, but I don't want this to end. I love her and I want to be with her. We have two children to raise, but what if she's right? What if I can't change and end up destroying the little bit of our relationship we have left?

What do I do?


It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Have you considered therapy, both individual (to deal with your Foo issues) and marital?

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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Yes, we've talked about it but it isn't on the table right now. We've done the whole "therapy thing" and it doesn't ever work for us. The one thing that has worked in the past is just talking openly with each other and finding the common ground. I am willing, but completely oblivious as to what to say. My wife isn't willing but has lots to say. She openly has admitted that right now she feels like she just wants to find a way to make me feel the hurt she has felt for that past several years. She says she hates it because that isn't who she is, but that is who she is becoming.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:14 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Agree with @Lila and whether or not you've considered therapy? Looking back on your past threads it seems that,though you recognize all of the negative things in your life,you haven't really done anything about them to bring some positive change to yourself. Your wife has shown,by all you've written here since 2011,that she is not to be trusted. You want help,but you continued to basically rug sweep at her whim while allowing and accepting the blame too often for her shortcomings and betrayals. You really need to find yourself my friend and what you want to define you at your core. Bad experiences don't have to shape our lives when we act to do something about them. Time for you to act and just remember that love doesn't conquer all. Take care.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

No, I haven't done much to change myself, and that's the problem. I have absolutely no friends outside of my wife. I have no hobbies, no desire to get a hobby, and I am a very boring person. I think this is why I failed so badly in my marriage. I relied too heavily on my wife. She was my everything and I took her for granted. I didn't prioritize her feelings and I stopped being in love with her myself. I was in love with idea of being married and I loved having her around. Now that I'm truly trying to show my love to her she is done and over with it and I can't blame her. We have had absolutely no issues with infidelity since that time several years ago. I have moved on from it and completely forgiven her. The problem now though is that I have no identity outside of my marriage and fatherhood, but my wife is a much more interesting and normal person. She has moved past me and I am envious. She has grown and I've stayed stale.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InsecureSecurity View Post
Yes, we've talked about it but it isn't on the table right now. We've done the whole "therapy thing" and it doesn't ever work for us. The one thing that has worked in the past is just talking openly with each other and finding the common ground. I am willing, but completely oblivious as to what to say. My wife isn't willing but has lots to say. She openly has admitted that right now she feels like she just wants to find a way to make me feel the hurt she has felt for that past several years. She says she hates it because that isn't who she is, but that is who she is becoming.
Soooo...I have a strange suggestion, but if your wife has a lot to say, have you ever considered just letting her say what she has to say and taking it like a man? I'm not saying this like judgment but rather maybe it would be good for her to get it off her chest! To me, it sounds like she has built and Built and BUILT resentment, and if she can't be honest with you about, all she does is store it up! What if you gave her a safe place to release it AND just come to the meeting knowing you are going to hear some hard things (some true!).

Here's the thing. You are a Christian. In Christ, you are a new creation, so this is not just "you" trying to change--you have the power of God to help you! So you ask if you can do it? Well no--YOU can't and see how that's worked out for ya? But GOD can and I'm not trying to be a mystic here. As a husband, God has told you to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. Think about that a minute: how did Christ love the Church? What did He do? How did He act? What was His commitment? Was it all a bunch of "feelings" or did Christ do things that were LOVING even though they were hurtful to Him? Did He think "I deserve better"? Did He give up when we were sinners? What was He willing to give? How far was He willing to go? See, our marriages are supposed to be a model of that. Husbands model Christ and wives model His Bride, the Church.

So instead of waiting around and wondering if you can change, how about if you recognize that you have wounded your wife DEEPLY and give her the place where she can come to you, as if you were an old college friend, and really tell you her heart? How about if you put up half a way so you aren't utterly devastated by what you hear and how she says it, but by the same token so that some of the truth really gets through to you and you can put yourself in her shoes and really empathize with what it's been like for her? Okay...all the ranting and raving and name calling might be the part your wall filters out and toughens up so it doesn't "hear" that--but the true parts, the hurt, the understanding, the damage, the distress, the acknowledgment and not "defending" but listening...THAT need to get through and be heard.

Make sense?

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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

You need to get into therapy for just you asap. You sound like you had a hard life and have been troubled for a while. Until you fix yourself and deal with these issues your marriage is never going to succeed. If you are not willing to fix yourself and you say you love your wife, let her go. Do you want your kids to grown up in a household where mom and dad fight all the time.

You can become a better person and the man your wife and children need, get into therapy, anger managment, talk to your Dr if you are feeling depressed. Change is hard, but worth it. Focus on yourself for now, and when you are feeling better, than focus on the marriage. Things can get better for you if you try.

All the best
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Why didn't therapy work? How long did you try? Did you both go?
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Affaircare - Yes, it makes perfect sense. I do try to listen as much as possible. The issue has been in our marriage though that when she has talked to me I don't respond appropriately. I either shut down because I don't know what to say, or I end up jamming my foot in my mouth and making things significantly worse. How can I avoid that?

Daisy12 - I know I can be better, but going to therapy to talk about my issues doesn't seem like something I should be doing right now. My wife is the one hurting, so how can I justify spending the time and money on something for myself over doing something for my wife?

Chris Taylor - Therapy didn't work because it was basically speaking about things we were already discussing. Nothing new ever came out in therapy. We would go, talk for an hour about the same things we've been discussing for a week, pay, and then leave to only come back the next week and do it all over again. What should I expect from a therapist? I don't have a lot of experience with therapy, but maybe this was just a bad one?

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

We're both at work right now and have been conversing through email all morning. This is what I get from her:

"I really believe that it is over. This has been a reoccurring conversation. I don't think that you and I can be in love again."


After 8 years together, 2 kids, moving to new state, multiple family deaths, a affair, and countless other headaches I may have ended my relationship with the only woman I've ever loved because I was too much of a idiot to cherish what I had and put her first.


It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

I'm not sure what to tell you that hasn't been mentioned yet, but just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InsecureSecurity View Post
We're both at work right now and have been conversing through email all morning. This is what I get from her:

"I really believe that it is over. This has been a reoccurring conversation. I don't think that you and I can be in love again."


After 8 years together, 2 kids, moving to new state, multiple family deaths, a affair, and countless other headaches I may have ended my relationship with the only woman I've ever loved because I was too much of a idiot to cherish what I had and put her first.
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 03:34 PM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

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Daisy12 - I know I can be better, but going to therapy to talk about my issues doesn't seem like something I should be doing right now. My wife is the one hurting, so how can I justify spending the time and money on something for myself over doing something for my wife?
The therapy would be for you. It would also benefit your wife greatly.

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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:47 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

You forgave her for cheating, but she can't forgive you for the break down you went through.

Yes you were all those things but was it intentional?

It is apparent she has never felt for you what tou feel for her.

This is the way I would push the conversation. You had a breakdown and need help getting back up. Start working on yourself and go from there. If she can't forgive your actions during this time after what you had forgiven her, is she worth fighting for.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:54 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

Email and text should be for logistics only.

Talking in person is for deciding your futures.

Come on.... Talk with one another!

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: I messed up repeatedly.

You married your mother.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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