Feeling like this is coming to an end - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Feeling like this is coming to an end

I've been in this relationship for almost 11 years with this person. We got together when I was 16 and she was 17. We left our hometown right after graduation and started college. It's always been just us two. Our families have a lot of issues and it's been pretty much turmoil coming from her family since they don't approve of our relationship. She's always been introverted and never cared to be around people. We got engaged on 11/21/15 and our wedding is scheduled for 9/2 this year. In the past year, she has now cared about being friends with this guy and girl who I just cannot swallow for the life of me! She wants to go out and drink with them all the time. When her friends invite her to go out she never asks me if i want to go and always says that she doesnt ask because she knows i wont go, but what's so wrong with me wanting to at least be asked? Don't I get a chance? We fight about her going out with her friends or hanging out with them ALL THE TIME. The thing is that she doesnt want to 1) tell me where shes going or if they go somewhere else doesnt think she should let me know 2) doesnt think i should tell her to come home at a certain time or have any say to where i dont feel its a good place for her to be at with her guy friend (example at the strip club) 3)thinks im too controlling at that i act like her mom 4)says i should be happy she has friends and that its not her fault that i dont have any 5)says that i should want to be alone without her 6)accuses me of being jealous and usually brings up that she feels so trapped.

I don't understand why she thinks that of me. I feel like there shouldnt be any reason why I can't know where shes going, what if something happens. I don't think its a bad idea to just give me a heads up that theyre going somewhere else. I don't feel like its okay that she leaves at 7 or 8pm and comes home after midnight just to hang out. I can't help but feel like I'm being left behind. For all this time it's always just been us two and she's never cared about other people. Why am I the only one that feels like being with her all the time is best thing in the world? I'd rather be with her than any other people hanging out or whatever.

I feel like we are just not in the same place in life. I feel like she might be trying to make up for all the time she lost being free and young. She won't ever get that time back and neither will I, but why do I have to change who I am and my opinions because all of a sudden she wants to do this stuff. Am I being too selfish? I really need some help. I feel like my relationship is falling apart and I'm headed downhill.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

Dump her.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

This relationship obviously isn't going anywhere. What you are asking is totally appropriate and if she can't do that, dump her.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

Your pending marriage is a divorce in progress.

Do not get married until and unless these issues are resolved to your satisfaction.

Tell her the wedding is on indefinite hold until the two of you work out a compromise or solution that you're both happy with.

Marriage doesn't magically fix problems like this, for reasons beyond the scope of this post, problems tend to escalate after vows are exchanged.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

you guys are definitely in different places in life, this is when you have to decide to let her go and move on or accept her taking off on you, and coming and going as she pleases...she is being selfish and self-centered....why would you want someone like that in your life. sadly she will wake up and realize when it is too late that the thing she had with you was perfect but she screwed up....but she may not realize that for some time...in the mean time you need to find someone who does not want to be with out you.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:24 PM
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Feeling like this is coming to an end

She's setting new rules that don't include you. She's setting the terms of your marriage

Personally, I think only a fool would accept those terms. Or someone who wants to have a separate life too, with secret relationships.

The trajectory might be toward an open marriage.

I wouldn't dump her - your job isn't to run away when you don't like something, it's to talk, communicate, and if that doesn't resolve the issue, establish and communicate clear boundaries.

By that I mean telling her why this doesn't work for you. Tell her what you told us - she is establishing a separate secret life. Let her know that one quality you require is transparency, respect and consideration. Her acts are not transparent, show a lack of respect, and don't even consider your feelings or views.

When (not if) she throws a hissy fit and says that's controlling it's critically important that you do not back down and do not lose your cool. This could be a massive shvt test before you get married and she may want you to put your foot down. Be a man and don't get angry. Say "it's my requirement for a wife. It's not controlling at all - you are free to do what you want." And leave it at that.

Let her think about it but do not give any ground.

Most women like a man of conviction even if it results in them being boxed in a little. They may not immediately show it, but it demonstrates self respect, standards, an even head, and in this case - it demonstrates that you care and demand yo be part her life.

The best case scenario is that she thinks about things and realizes she's hanging around with people who are not friends of your marriage. Worst case is this is who she wants to be and it doesn't really involve you.


Btw you should decide if these people should no longer be part of your circle. If they party with her and without you then I would not think they are a "marriage friendly couple. It is absolutely important to only get involved with people who respect your relationship


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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

NO! You are not being selfish or unreasonable, she is.

if she wants to be single, that's her choice. But if she wants to be married, she better grow up.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

Why on earth would you marry someone who you don't get along with and who you are miserable with? Because it's always been just the two of you? It's not anymore. You are trying to go back in time. That is impossible. Live in the here and now.

She does have some valid concerns. If she is your only friend, and by what you said it sounds like the truth, you are putting all your emotional energy into one person and expecting her to meet all of your emotional and social needs. Even if you are an introvert, that really isn't healthy. I recommend you begin to learn how to relate to others better, maybe get some therapy and branch out a bit.

Call off the wedding. You should never marry someone you are fighting with. Find someone you get along with.

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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:59 PM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

You are a very lucky man. Your fiance has already heard the call of the life she missed out on and is answering it. Many women who marry their high school sweetheart don't come to this conclusion until having a couple kids. You get the opportunity to have a clean break now and can start a new life without heavy financial and paternal consequences.

I don't know that you should end the relationship, but you absolutely need to call off this engagement and work on our relationship. A woman who want to go out drinking and partying with other men is not marriage material.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:40 AM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

Don't get married, somethign is not right and marriage will only make things worse. You said she normally doesn't have friends. Was that because her world revolved around you but she finally met someone she enjoys spending time with and you don't understand why she is spending time with them and not you? Why are you guys not going out together as couples? If the friend's husband is going out it would make sense that you would go too? These sort of thing.....going out separately and not coming home or telling your partner when you will be home will bust a marriage. You should be going out as couples or she should go out with the girl. It's okay to drink with a friend and it is okay for her to have fun with a girlfriend but living with someone means being responsible to them as well....letting them know where you will be, about what time you think you might be home and telling them you will call if you will be later and then doing so. When there are unknowns trust becomes an issue.

You need to talk with your girlfriend and find out what exactly is going on. You cannot tell her what to do but the two of you can agree to ground rules. If she cannot play fair you need to walk now.

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:48 AM
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Cool Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

Lose her! You can do a hell of a lot better than putting up with that crap!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

This is fairly common for introverted females, that it takes them about 10 to 15 years to 'grow up' and come out of their shell and realize they can be more than what they were raised to be. They start to wonder about all the stuff they missed out on by being so shy or introverted. They want to experience stuff. At this point, you can either go along on this journey of 'growing up' with her, or you can disapprove and watch her do it anyway - without you.

Now as to these particular people, they're bad news and I wouldn't go along with that. But you should be having real conversations with her about what she's going through and how you can do it as a team. If you want to stay together.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:44 AM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

Ditto

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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:53 AM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

You tell her what you have said here. You just expressed your boundaries. These need to be communicated to her and if she doesn't like it then its her loss. If she isnt able/willing to comply with your requests then you know where you stand with her. you are not a priority (that much is clear right now). It sucks but knowing now is better then knowing 2 kids and a picket fence from now. It will NOT get better.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Feeling like this is coming to an end

Check her panties when she gets home. This guy friend of hers is probably living out his fantasy threesome.
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