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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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Hello everyone. Just saw this website and decided to check it out and see if I could get some help.
Married to my wife for 10 years with three kids. We had lots of issues in 2015 including financial issues cause I couldn't get a job. Constant arguments and before I could notice she wouldn't let me touch her for weeks saying she was too stressed . This will go on and off till August when she asked to travel for a week with the kids to a friend in France. She left and we talked everyday and I remember asking her to be careful and act responsible.
She came back few days before end of August and all was ok. We celebrated her birthday that same month and it was fun. Beginning of September I saw a French number from a guy that called her a few times and when I asked she said it was just an old school friend that she bumped into a while back. A few days later I called her and talked to her. Told her all will be ok and she had tombe patient and believe in me and that if she was thinking of doing something like cheating she should reconsider and stop for my sake and that if the kids. We made love that night and while at it she started crying. I asked what was wrong and she said nothing.
Forward 2016 we move out of the city to a new house that she loved much. I spend all my savings on it and again starts the financial problems and I can't work because of a major back problem I got the year before from hard labor which I did to please her. The distance becomes worse and we spend day's and week so not talking to each other. At every occasion I tried to talk to her or make peace and after a while it will start again. She spent a lot of time on her phone and changed the password. Around December found a few more calls from the French number on messenger and confronted her and she denied any relationship saying they just talked as friends and that they hadn't talked in a while . When I took her phone to show her everything had been deleted. I confronted her and she said there was nothing and that she had met him in France when she went to visit her friend. They had had lunch and he collected her number and wanted to go out with her but she denied. Said he was not her type. Asked her to call him and she refused. I spent time with her phone and found out that she had blocked him in what's app, messenger, Facebook, immo . She stored his number twice on her phone once with an abbreviation and second under another persons name. I went back on immo and succeeded to bring back some messages that lasted till August 2015 when she just returned from France. She called him not by his name but with a sexy abbreviation of it. He said he missed her and at one point she misse his calls she said she was busy and ended saying MISSED U. I confronted her and she said it was nothing. She only ate with him because she need the attention because things were not good at home with me and there was too much distance.
What kills me is the fact that I asked her a few days before and on the 31st of 2016 if she had anything to say to me before we moved on into a new year and she said no then I find the immo messages a few days into January 2017.
SO she met him two days after arriving in france and claims they only ate once on the third day and that was it. The other 4 days she never saw him. Then why does he miss her or why does he say in his messages that it was an amazing week together.
It hurt me so bad I haven't been able so sleep for weeks now. Every time I think about it my heart hurts and I just want to pack and leave but I look at my kids and I don't. The worst part about it is she knelt down and swore that she never slept with him so why keep that conversation and why hide his name or delete the messages. Now she loves me so much and wants to sleep in my arms all the time or make love all day and every day. I can't deny the fact that the love making part is wonderful because we have both reached points that we never experienced before. She's sweet now and will do everything I want.
The only thing that hurts now is I don't believe her fully. I really think something happened in france and maybe she got disappointed or realized the guy will not leave his wife or something . I just have that gut feeling and most of the times I am never wrong. I want to divorce and leave but I haven't done it. I tell her I love her but still look at her like a traitor to our family. I spend hours at night awake thinking about her with another man and it hurts me so bad. Don't really know if I still love her or am just scared to start all over again after 10 years or it's my 13, 8 and 4 year kids am worried about and before I forget now she might be pregnant with another child for three weeks and this is something she never wanted and i de been asking the whole 2016. What do I make of this . How can I trust her again and even travel for work or something else without thinking horrible things. Am not ready for a life with pain, fear and insecurities.

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:01 PM
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Cool Re: Suspicious

Did you ask your kids if they were ever left alone or were out of their mothers presence for any discernible amount of time while they were over in France?

If so, then I think that you'll have a pretty good answer!

But for the time being, I think you'd better start checking out her domestic activity here!

Things obviously went well for her in France, but something sure smells putrid in "Denmark!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Suspicious

Well you already know she's lied to you, the only question is how much.

All the stuff with the phone password changing and deleting of texts points to an affair, but the unfortunate truth is you'll probably never know.

All you do know is she's a liar, she's deceived you to a degree but you don't know how much and you probably never will.

About the only suggestion I have is that you take a hard line, and you tell her that with all the password protecting, deleting of text messages, and "trickle truthing" she's giving you, the only way you will rest easy is if she takes a polygraph test. If she declines, then well, she's gotta be guilty. If she accepts, you hope for what is known as a "parking lot confession" some time prior to the polygraph which is really the reason you do it because polygraph tests are notoriously unreliable but hopefully she doesn't know that.

For lots of guys that would be enough to walk away, others will find some way to accept/justify/rationalize her behavior and find a way to live with it, always wondering and always keeping "one eye open" because if it happened once it could very well happen again.

I'd like to think if it was me I'd just walk away but your mileage may vary. Especially with another kid possibly on the way. How the heck did THAT happen especially with all the problems?
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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Suspicious

Told her all will be ok and she had tombe patient and believe in me and that if she was thinking of doing something like cheating she should reconsider and stop for my sake and that if the kids. We made love that night and while at it she started crying. I asked what was wrong and she said nothing.
Big guilt ridden red flag. After a few times with no consequences, she won't feel guilty any more. Certainly, I could be wrong. I don't think so, though.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Suspicious

I think you can be pretty much sure that she was with this guy the whole week, they probably had sex and she lied about the whole thing. She keeps changing her story. Only liers do that. If you can deal with that stay and see what happens but it seems you can't. It keeps you awake at night and the thought of her with someone else will never leave you. I'd leave her.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Suspicious

I think I'd get a job and enjoy your wife and hope for the best.

Yes, she cheated with the guy in France and yes, I am 99.9% certain she had sex with the guy.
Why else would she go to France? Online boyfriend is my suspicion.

Question: Are you ever going to get a job? If not, you should consider getting a divorce. I suspect this is the 2nd biggest problem in your marriage.

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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Suspicious

I want to first apologize for the absence. Been trying to figure out what to do with my life. Thanks to you all for the comments.
I feel so lost right now especially now she pays so much attention to me and wants to be there all the time to do stuff or just cuddle. Now she wants to make love everyday two to three times a day. Before the France trip we never had that. We could stay for a month without even hugging not to talk of making love. Now she talks about us and projects like nothing ever happened and for her I have to take her word and believe that nothing happened in france.
Every time I look at my kids I feel discouraged to go. I grew up without my dad and believe me it wasn't a good experience. I felt lost so many times and I don't want to put my kids through that. Don't know how to explain to them that I have to go because I think mummy cheated on me.
Sometimes i even want to take my boys and just go away to the states where my mum lives.
NB . There's no pregnancy. False alarm.
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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 06:00 AM
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Re: Suspicious

Dat Lucy, she got some 'splainin' to do.
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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 06:10 AM
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Re: Suspicious

If you want to know why she wants sex and cuddles frequently, Google "hysterical bonding". If you want a divorce due to her affair, get a lawyer and get shared custody so you can remain an involved father.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 07:16 AM
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Re: Suspicious

you need to know the truth, you have to sit down and tell her that you can not move on with out....and after she tells you, you then can make a decision but then at least the ball is in your court, right now she holds it and will until you get the truth.

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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 07:40 AM
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Re: Suspicious

This is a difficult place to be in. Go see a lawyer see what you options are, arm yourself with knowledge of options.
Tell her you know she lied, trickle truth, etc and you are now in a place where you are making a decision whether to stay or get a divorce. That will scare her.

Tell her you have already seen a lawyer and she has to agree to a polygraph, you cannot move forward with her without it. If she doesn't agree you know what you have to do, this will torment you.
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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Suspicious

^ this

Seems like the only recourse is a Polygraph. Asking her for details is a futile effort. Shes already lied to you and will just do it again.

did you take arbitrator's advice and ask the kids if they spent anytime without mommy? That should tell you alot
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: Suspicious

Originally Posted by Grapes View Post
^ this

Seems like the only recourse is a Polygraph. Asking her for details is a futile effort. Shes already lied to you and will just do it again.

did you take arbitrator's advice and ask the kids if they spent anytime without mommy? That should tell you alot

You can ask your kids anything you want to but you are never going to know the truth without a polygraph. She ain't going to confess and will continue to lie to you. And now she is manipulating you with sex so you will rug sweep. Not sure where you are located but you are lucky he is in France.

You have to decide if you want the truth or not. And do not think it can't happen again here.
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Suspicious

If she isn't computer savvy you can figure everything out without a polygraph. Just tell her you scheduled a polygraph and leave the house. When you come back check her browsing history on your computer.
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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Suspicious

OP arbitrator ask you a question. You did not answer it. His question was. "Hey did you ever ask the kids about Mommy's trip," giving you examples of what to ask her. Hey kids did Mommy leave you with anybody.? Did mommy ever go anywhere by herself for substantial amount of time. Did Mommy ever introduce you guys or did Mommy ever hang out with a guy that you guys can remember. I don't know be creative. I mean there's got to be way to gather information. OP do you know about "Dr. phone Text recovery software" or why don't you try to get his number and figure something out either tricking him into thinking he's talking to your wife or whatever you come up with there's got to be a way to find out I mean. She was in a different country so she did not have her guard up to well I mean. You need to use your imagination. The reason why say this is you know more about your wife anybody here. and anything I could even think. Be advised, Do not rugsweep.?

I wouldn't do any more soft confronts.! You need to become a detective and you need to do it in stealth mode. Because she Will not be able to keep up the sex too much longer she's trying to force you to rugsweep. Hoping that everything will go back to normal and she I don't have to face up to what she did to you. You know you might even think about it like this that you forced the issue you might be in a position helping her get help for and if that happens you might be able to R with your wife... but none of that can happen until you find out what really happened.

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