Re: Husband doesn't think he has any flaws/issues
Wow, your story is my story....so much alike that reading your post was like reading the story of my life with my husband.
In doing my own research on passive-aggressive husbands, it seems that the consensus is universal: These men-children will never change, and the only way to save your sanity is to leave.
I have not yet left my own PA spouse, but am currently in the planning stages of picking myself up and planning a life without him. Like you, I'm tired of the crazy cycle, and I cannot do it anymore. Between the lies, the blame-game, the gaslighting, the saying yes when he means no, sabotaging anything I attempt to accomplish -- I just give up. It's to the point where his issues are making me crazy.
I know that you are alone, in terms of having no family, support system, but having lived this way myself, I'm convinced being alone and sane is worth more than staying and going crazy. Are there any government programs that could help you make it on your own? Maybe a part-time job that could augment whatever support you get from him?
You have probably scoured the Internet like most of us with PA spouses, looking for some answers. There is an article called The Boomerang Relationship that you may want to read, if you have not done so already. It is excellent in describing the relationship dynamic when one is married to a spouse that employs PA techniques, and it also addresses the issues that we spouses have to confront that have perpetuated the dynamic. There is also an awesome thread at Surviving Infidelity that is about 14 pages now of people living with men like this, and their stories will probably hit home for you. If you Google "Surviving Infidelity Forum Passive-Aggressive" it will be the first result.
I think the reality is these men cannot change....at least, not enough, for long enough, to make staying with them worthwhile. They do not see that they are part of the problem, that they have issues they need to deal with, and that their partner has needs, also. They are so self-absorbed that you just can't penetrate that and get anywhere with them. I read something that said for those of us who are married to PA spouses, we have to come to the realization that we are married to someone who has never loved us and isn't capable of loving us; that we are simply an object/thing to them. That hurts, because I'm sure you, like myself, have done everything possible to make the relationship work, given so much of yourself, and yet gotten nothing, or very little, in return. It's just not a nice feeling to know that we have invested so much in a person that, despite their claims to the contrary, never loved us and never will.
I wish there were an easy answer to "fixing" the situation, but we can't fix/change another person. I think you are on the right track: Start focusing on you, and start rebuilding your self-esteem, because it takes a nose dive when you are in one of these relationships. I don't even recognize who I am anymore, so trust me, I know all about it.
Big hugs your way, because this is just a miserable situation with no easy answers!!