Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:47 PM Thread Starter
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Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

So, I will spare you the long story. My wife and I had another fight tonight, and she actually told our son that we were getting divorced because I could not handle him. The backstory is that my son and I have been clashing a lot lately. He talks back, argues with me, disrespects me, etc. I have been under a lot of stress from work and also have not been sleeping well. So I have lost my temper with him many times. He pushes all of the wrong buttons. But I take responsibility for it. I just can't cope with his behavior.

There is a lot more to my relationship with my wife that I won't get into here. But it has gotten pretty bad and she has thrown around the divorce word for quite some time. Tonight she told my son that, and then she told both my kids in front of me that she didn't love me anymore. After the kids went to bed, I tried to start a conversation, but it didn't go well and she continued suggesting we get divorced.

One of the things she said really upset me and I wanted to see if there is any validity to what she said. She basically said that she expects me to move out of our large house. I will have to go and get an apartment somewhere and foot the bill for that. Meanwhile, she gets to stay in the large, expensive family home (she mentioned getting a roommate because she wouldn't be able to afford it). So, I was thinking that the equitable thing to do would be to sell the house and split the equity, and then we could each buy new houses (although smaller and less expensive). Is there anyway she can get the family home and all of the equity in it? We also have a rental house that she owned before the marriage (although it was in her parents' name), and they put it in our name a couple of years after we got married. I have paid money towards that house during the course of our marriage, but I would never fight her on that and would just give that to her. But is it reasonable for her to expect the family house and all the equity that is in it? It seems to me the reasonable (and decent thing) to do would be sell the house and divide the equity so we could both get back on our feet somewhere else.

She is really talking nonsense right now, and I guess I should take everything with a grain of salt. But the fact that she said what she did in front of our kids: (1) hurts me really, really deeply; (2) shows where her head is and I think shows how she would treat me if this all goes down; and (3) scares the daylights out of me.

Anyone have any thoughts about what she said? I am not interested in hearing advice about reconciliation. I will make efforts in that respect, but I really just want to know what my options are at this point.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 12:00 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

Do NOT move out of your home.

First, see an attorney. Different divorce laws in different places. Number of years married, income levels, other things matter. So see an attorney. Many offer a free consultation.... some via phone, some in person.

And ya know.... you don't HAVE to do anything. SHE is the one who is spouting divorce.....let her do the work. But do see the attorney, there are some safeguards you may need to think about.


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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:25 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

Let HER move out of the house. Show her the direction of the door.

I suspect her "roommate " is going to be a guy.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:53 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

Get a lawyer first and know your rights.
If your name is on the rental half of it is yours so far as I'm aware.

Now is not the time to be nice to someone who has no respect for you. Time to be diplomatic and fair and kind to YOURSELF.

Don't move out. Stay put. Does she work?

Fight to get everything that is legally yours. Compromise, sure. Do not just give up anything before due thought and research. Certainly do NOT promise her anything for now.

And go to your kids and tell them your own reasons. They'll believe who they want but never give up defending yourself from lies.

Your poor relationship with your son is at least partly your responsibility, but don't give up on trying to repair it, just maintain a realistic goal until he's of adult age, if he isn't already. Once an adult, it'll be his responsibility to decide if he wants to maintain contact.

Her behavior really sounds like she has an affair partner. Do not confront, but quietly instigate. I can't imagine why a woman with children would rather let a stranger live in the house with kids than buy a smaller one that's affordable and safer. The only reason I can think of is she knows already who it will be.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 04:26 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post

Her behavior really sounds like she has an affair partner. Do not confront, but quietly instigate. I can't imagine why a woman with children would rather let a stranger live in the house with kids than buy a smaller one that's affordable and safer. The only reason I can think of is she knows already who it will be.
Maybe not. Maybe. It could be shouting she's had enough of the crap in her marriage and is ready to be done with it. Perhaps she's already checked out and wants to get her life back! We don't know the whole story. Too many people scream affair. And, I've been cheated on and know the Hell of it, but that doesn't mean she's having one. Sure, she could be. I also considered a roommate to help pay the bills, but moving a man in never crossed my mind. Let's here more of the story first.

OP did say "There is a lot more to my relationship with my wife that I won't get into here."
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 05:37 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

Her use of the word that many times makes me suspect something is up and to pin it on the kids is just sick....you need to talk to the children one on one...possibly therapy...but question back to you, is she acting suspiciously?
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 06:33 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

Hello,

Do all the above that's for dam sure. Go see a counselor ASAP together. See one that is a marriage counselor that is skilled in repairing marriages when both partners are at the point you are. They just specialize in solving issues that John Gottman, Psychologist, PhD. He can predict that a divorce is eminent 93% of the time whereas there is no going back. vHe calls it when a couple has Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Called Four-Horseman of the Apocalypse. She or you need to cure contempt first. Good Luck.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

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Hello,



Do all the above that's for dam sure. Go see a counselor ASAP together. See one that is a marriage counselor that is skilled in repairing marriages when both partners are at the point you are. They just specialize in solving issues that John Gottman, Psychologist, PhD. He can predict that a divorce is eminent 93% of the time whereas there is no going back. vHe calls it when a couple has Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Called Four-Horseman of the Apocalypse. She or you need to cure contempt first. Good Luck.


But Gottman could not predict his own divorce.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

@scaredandconfused1975 would you let the mailman or 7/11 clerk have the house and half your stuff?

You have to realize that if you divorce your W will be just like those people - someone you only have a relationship with in a very specific and non-emotional context. And of course you wouldn't give them anything they didn't legally deserve.


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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

If SHE wants a divorce, then SHE can move out. DO NOT LEAVE.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Need Advice-Finances and Unrealistic Expectations

More details about the nature of your marital problems would be helpful.

As you can see the default assumption is that she's a jerk with an affair partner waiting, so unless this is the case the advice will not be helpful.


We really don't know if she's unreasonable, you have anger issues, you threaten her, she threatens you, one or both of you has cheated, etc.

Until we know more the default of "she wants out so she can leave" isn't helpful.

Regardless you should see a lawyer....it's doubtful she could keep the house and all equity, but the kids to need to be considered in any arrangement.

Care to share more details?
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