Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Re: In desperate need for help
I loved my mother, however, she had a deep abiding hatred of my wife. It took me a very very long time, and had my father not developed alzheimers, the truth would have never been known. Essentially, my mother opposed my marriage. My older brother got off scott free as he was the favorite and his marriage was advantageous for my mother socially. OTOH, I met THE girl, and was smitten. My mother did everything in her power to hurt my wife. She showed up to our wedding wearing a white dress. She lied intensely about my wife. Repeatedly remarked that she had taken me away from them. Nothing could have been further from the truth. When I had a business failure and had an affair, my mother rubbed my wife's face in it. When we reconciled, my mother did not speak to me for two years. Eventually, my father developed dementia, and when he started a shouting match with me, he stumbled and admitted that their finances were horrible, and the expectation was that I should have not gotten married, but should have stayed in their basement and supported them in a lifestyle that they wanted (I'm a professional and make fairly good money). She backed that up by saying that she was going to get me fired, and attempted to call my employer at the time. My boss, being a good sould, told me that my mother really needed professional help. Really? What twisted reality did that come from? Once the truth was out in the open, I referred to them as monsters. Let my older brother know the score and he said write them off. I came back for awhile when my dad died. Then went 180, and took care of her maintenance and arranged for services for her. Eventually, her utter lack of care for herself caused a string of strokes and she damned me to hell for putting her in a facility. A good and dutiful son, we visited weekly, usually resulting requiring a cool-down period afterwards.
Iammine, I know this from the son's perspective. It is an evil loop, and her hold must be broken. I was lucky enough to have it all laid out in front of me. I knew that my mom was not a paragon of virtue that I was told to love and put on a pedestal. You have this toxic being in your marriage and if you do nothing, she wins. I can't give you any advice other than to protect yourself.