Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:16 PM Thread Starter
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Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

Sorry this is so long.

So last week was amazing, but Sunday was the most horrible day ever. Turns out my husband had been trying to reconnect with me and it was wonderful. We had been feeling some disconnect lately. I thought it was because of my injury and having to live with my parents. It's just taken it's toll on us.
A little bit of background on us we have been deconstructing our faith and trying to hold on to it(Christians). We found a church that is helping us walk through our doubts. Part of our doubts have come around the issue of homosexuality and whether it's sinful or not. We are both leaning towards that it's not sinful especially in a committed relationship. I came out to my husband as bisexual(about 2 months ago) but for me that didn't change our relationship. I was still fully committed to him I just formally recognized my attraction to women. We talked about it a lot and my husband said at one point that he would rather have an open marriage than get divorced. I assured him I did not want an open marriage that I only wanted him. I did sort of mourn not having figured out my sexuality earlier in life as I am much more attracted to women that I am to men but I had not need or desire to leave our relationship to engage in that. I love our marriage and our life and I'm not interested in any form of polyamory. I'm a one person kind of woman. I just cant share. I don't think you can be fully committed to multiple people. (this was more than a month ago and my husband had been working through his own sexuality but hadn't put any labels on it but he admitted he was attracted to men)

Flash forward to Sunday and I don't even remember what he said first but he said he was more attracted to men than to women. He was kind of stumbling around it and I said, "No I understand I mean I didn't mean it to be hurtful to you when I told you I was more attracted to women than men. So I understand what you are trying to say" and then he dropped the bomb. That no that wasn't what he was trying to say, but he was trying to say he thinks he might be gay. I don't remember what all was said. I was so shocked and he said he doesn't have everything figured out, but that he's trying to figure out if that's true what that means for us. So I told him, "I know when I told you I was bisexual you offered open marriage but I just can't do the same" and he said "I know." I sat quiet for a long time, we were driving home from church. I told him I didn't know how to respond. I was trying to decide because I didn't want to create a point of tension that would push him to have an affair and hide things from me. I finally took the plunge though and told him "I would rather be separated than find out you are having an affair." I couldn't even bring my self to say divorce. I lost it and started crying quietly. We were still driving home. I stayed quiet the rest of the way home.

He said a lot of things and most of them were very hurtful but I don't think he meant it that way. Because as he said at one point he hadn't really processed any of it. He said this was why he wanted to see a counselor (he told me this last week) We found a way for him to get to see a counselor last night. He said a lot of things and I finally said, "I can't hear anything except you might be leaving me" and I started crying and he reached over and hugged me and said " I don't want to" and I responded "But does that change the fact that you might" and he didn't say anything. At one point (sorry it so jumbled in my mind I don't remember the order of it all) well several different versions of this statement "I don't want to leave what we have because I know it's what everyone is looking for. I feel guilty that everyone is so jealous of our relationship and that I'm thinking about leaving it. What if I make this huge mistake and this is the best I'll ever find" I sat for moment after the final time he said something of that nature and said, "Its hurtful to know that if you knew for sure you could have what we have with a man you would leave me" Started crying again. and he said "I hadn't thought about that" He said he wished he hadn't brought it up until he had more answers and had been to counseling. I don't know if I would have preferred that. I let him know that I can't be in limbo land forever and that if he decides to stay I need him to fully commit. Not just decide to stay for now but to give up the idea of leaving because I can't go back and forth. I also told him that this wasn't ever suppose to be a question. I thought to myself angrily and upset that he's promised me so many times that he wouldn't leave me (my mom has been divorced twice and it was around those conversations) I finally reached this place of not being afraid of him leaving and now it's shattered. I'm shattered.

I don't know what to do. I thought about asking for a separation while he makes his decision but I'm worried that will push him to leave me. I don't know how to respond to him. I don't know if I can be intimate with him right now. I told him that this morning when he was trying to be playful. That I'm torn about being intimate because I don't want to push him away and make him feel more disconnected but I just don't know if I can right now. and He said "I know there's a wedge, I did that. I wish I hadn't" I told him I was really torn. He said it's okay and he understands. I haven't mentioned a possible separation. I'm unable to work so for a separation to work I would need to go stay with family or him go stay with family. I know if I bring it up he will be against the idea because that would mean more people would know his secret or possibly know it but I don't know if I can be here with him right now. With this constant question over us. I lean more towards being separated and thinking his is leaving because then I won't be so shocked if he does decide that , because if I just act like everything is normal and he decides to leave how will I cope?

I don't know what to do.

I asked him Sunday night why he though he might be gay in stead of bisexual and he took awhile to answer me but that he feels like he suppressed himself so much growing up because being gay was the worst thing that could happen in his circle. So I asked if I am attractive to him and he said yes that his attraction to me has grown over time and he is very attracted to me. So I told him that was confusing because that's not gay if anything thats bisexual. That still doesn't change the fact he might leave because of this want/desire to experience a same-sex relationship.I asked him if he enjoyed sex with me and he said yes of course very much. I left that small additional conversation just more confused but some what hopeful that he wasn't faking our sexual encounters.

I know that a question might be what our frequency looks like. At the beginning of our marriage we had sex multiple times a day. we moved to 4-5 times a week as a normal and then I had a back injury and sex got very infrequent. As I have been healing we have been able to maintain once a week. And most frequently as I'm getting a lot better we have been able to return to 3-4 times a week.


Mostly is it totally crazy to think of a separation?

After we got home my husband went to go make dinner and I went to the restroom. Before our marriage I had issues with self-harm. I have been tempted off and on but I've been able to practice good coping skills and not self-harm during stressful times. I have also been suicidal in the past and concerning my injury I had mentioned that if this most recent therapy didn't work and I ended up with a chronic issue I would probably be suicidal, because I couldn't imagine continuing to live with pain daily with no end or relief. I have been depressed off and on throughout the year dealing with my injury and I have been honest with my husband about that. I knew being silent about it would only make is stronger.

So he was worried I was in the restroom so long. I assured him I was fine and I wasn't doing anything. When I was done in the restroom I went to lay down in the bed as I was devastated and couldn't handle just sitting up in the living room waiting on dinner. I needed a moment alone to process my pain. I heard my husband kind of frantically saying my name in the hallway and I called out "I'm in here" and he said my name again and asked if I was okay and so I said "I'm in the bedroom"

He came in and was visibly shaken and said he had heard something and thought I had fallen. I said no I don't know what that was I've been in here. I could tell he was worried. He hugged me and I said "I'm okay, I'm sad but I'm not suicidal" and he started to cry and said he still cared about me. He said when he heard the crash noise he thought the worst. He said he was glad I wasn't suicidal. He was still crying. We hugged for a few moments. He tried to compose himself to go make dinner again.

So I mean I know he does care for me. As far as I see it he really does love me on some level even though he is contemplating giving all this up. It's just so surreal. UGH.


I do feel quite hopeless as I'm on the receiving end of all of this. I'm grateful for my husbands honesty but I'm at a loss of what I should be doing. Great reason to start counseling ASAP. I've asked that we not have sex at least until after I get into counseling. He said that was understandable. I don't know what I want right now. I told him to please not misconstrue any of my boundaries during this time as me wanting to leave or me trying to punish him. That when he is all in again I will be all in with him. He says he knows.
I don't want to create unnecessary space but I'm also very hurt and confused and I can't act like this isn't happening.

I feel hopeless because I have to wait on him to decide. It's gut wrenching.

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 09:24 PM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

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Sorry this is so long.

Part of our doubts have come around the issue of homosexuality and whether it's sinful or not. We are both leaning towards that it's not sinful especially in a committed relationship. I came out to my husband as bisexual(about 2 months ago) but for me that didn't change our relationship. I was still fully committed to him I just formally recognized my attraction to women. We talked about it a lot and my husband said at one point that he would rather have an open marriage than get divorced. I assured him I did not want an open marriage that I only wanted him. I did sort of mourn not having figured out my sexuality earlier in life as I am much more attracted to women that I am to men

Flash forward to Sunday and I don't even remember what he said first but he said he was more attracted to men than to women. He was kind of stumbling around it and I said, "No I understand I mean I didn't mean it to be hurtful to you when I told you I was more attracted to women than men. So I understand what you are trying to say" and then he dropped the bomb. That no that wasn't what he was trying to say, but he was trying to say he thinks he might be gay. I don't remember what all was said. I was so shocked and he said he doesn't have everything figured out, but that he's trying to figure out if that's true what that means for us. So I told him, "I know when I told you I was bisexual you offered open marriage but I just can't do the same" and he said "I know." I sat quiet for a long time, we were driving home from church. I told him I didn't know how to respond. I was trying to decide because I didn't want to create a point of tension that would push him to have an affair and hide things from me. I finally took the plunge though and told him "I would rather be separated than find out you are having an affair." I couldn't even bring my self to say divorce. I lost it and started crying quietly. We were still driving home. I stayed quiet the rest of the way home.


I feel hopeless because I have to wait on him to decide. It's gut wrenching.
If his goal was to show you how incredibly selfish and hurtful your statements were to him....then it looks like a win.

Welcome to his pain. Swim around in it. Doesn't feel good does it?

I would suggest "realizing" that NO...YOU are not attracted to women in any way...EVER. You were confused...but are clear now.

Maybe....and only Maybe...will this put that lid back on the can of worms YOU OPENED.

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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

Wow um no that isn't his point at all. I'm not going to lie to my husband. I guess I wasn't clear but my husband was really supportive when I came out to him and it was during conversations where he was talking about his attraction to men. He just wasn't really ready to label that yet. The part that threw him off was when I said I was more attracted to women than men. He initially took that as me not being attracted to him. Which wasn't what I meant at all. We cleared that up and he was totally fine. All I meant was in general I don't notice men like I notice women. The whole you can't help who you are attracted to thing.

If I "realized" I wasn't attracted to women at all that wouldn't change the fact that my husband is trying to figure out his own sexuality. Seriously how would that help at all? He's attracted to men. He doesn't know if he wants to explore that or not. I'm not okay with him exploring it while we are married. I'm very much committed to monogamy. He's more open to polyamory. I'm just not comfortable with polyamory at all. Therefore if he decides he does want to actually date and sleep with men we are going to get a divorce. He doesn't want to have an affair. he's been pretty clear about that. He's said he'll be honest with me about what he decides and he won't lead me on.

Seriously this has nothing to do with getting back at me for coming out. That's so petty and not like him at all. We are honest and open in our relationship and we don't hurt each other on purpose.

He wishes he hadn't brought it up because he knows it hurt me.

Anyway all that to say. Your advice isn't helpful and it's actually pretty rude.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 04:55 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

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If his goal was to show you how incredibly selfish and hurtful your statements were to him....then it looks like a win.

Welcome to his pain. Swim around in it. Doesn't feel good does it?

I would suggest "realizing" that NO...YOU are not attracted to women in any way...EVER. You were confused...but are clear now.

Maybe....and only Maybe...will this put that lid back on the can of worms YOU OPENED.
Lying. It's not a good coping skill.

@thetigress OK, there's a lot going on in your lives. Coping with religious doubts, finding out that you are both bisexual.

I think you need couple's counselling to help you cope with all the stressors in your lives.

My best wishes to both of you.

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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:57 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

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Wow um no that isn't his point at all. I'm not going to lie to my husband. I guess I wasn't clear but my husband was really supportive when I came out to him and it was during conversations where he was talking about his attraction to men. He just wasn't really ready to label that yet. The part that threw him off was when I said I was more attracted to women than men. He initially took that as me not being attracted to him. Which wasn't what I meant at all. We cleared that up and he was totally fine. All I meant was in general I don't notice men like I notice women. The whole you can't help who you are attracted to thing.

If I "realized" I wasn't attracted to women at all that wouldn't change the fact that my husband is trying to figure out his own sexuality. Seriously how would that help at all? He's attracted to men. He doesn't know if he wants to explore that or not. I'm not okay with him exploring it while we are married. I'm very much committed to monogamy. He's more open to polyamory. I'm just not comfortable with polyamory at all. Therefore if he decides he does want to actually date and sleep with men we are going to get a divorce. He doesn't want to have an affair. he's been pretty clear about that. He's said he'll be honest with me about what he decides and he won't lead me on.

Seriously this has nothing to do with getting back at me for coming out. That's so petty and not like him at all. We are honest and open in our relationship and we don't hurt each other on purpose.

He wishes he hadn't brought it up because he knows it hurt me.

Anyway all that to say. Your advice isn't helpful and it's actually pretty rude.
Totally agree! Very sorry you were treated that way, OP.

I think you are right to be as open and honest with your husband as possible, and he with you. Rigorous honesty will set you both on the path you each need to take, either together or separately. Just keep being open and honest with each other, and with your own selves.

The counseling idea is also very good.

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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:09 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

I'm not so sure your H is being honest with you as much as he says. I would think that having a wife who is more attracted to women than men may be a real passion killer and he may be considering his options. You seem to have it all sorted out in your mind because it is your sexuality, but now that he is grappling with his sexuality you are in pain because you don't know where you stand. Well, he has been and probably still is in exactly the same place you are now.
I think you both need some heavy therapy to work through all of this.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

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I'm not so sure your H is being honest with you as much as he says. I would think that having a wife who is more attracted to women than men may be a real passion killer and he may be considering his options. You seem to have it all sorted out in your mind because it is your sexuality, but now that he is grappling with his sexuality you are in pain because you don't know where you stand. Well, he has been and probably still is in exactly the same place you are now.
I think you both need some heavy therapy to work through all of this.
Aine, come on. Who is going to consider same sex relationships if they do not truly have some kind of draw to it?

This guy is not making some kind of one time comment to hurt her. It sounds like he is truly grappling with his sexuality.

Similarly, she was never trying to hurt him, either. She was just trying to be honest with him, and with herself.

OP is hurting because her and her husband's being honest with themselves may end up costing them their marriage. This is not some kind of pain that they are gratuitously and sadistically inflicting on each other, as some seem to suggest.

Truly sorry you are not getting more compassion and insight into how to proceed in your situation, OP. Professional counseling continues to look like your best option.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:06 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

For a long time I lived with my lesbian best friend,during this time other people came and left as we had a four bedroom apt so there was often other people living with us.I'm not really sure why, but these housemates were always gay,both men and women.It was probably because my friend always found people to share our apt with and she would know mainly people from the gay community.My point is,I have often discussed with gay people about when they realised they were gay and how the "came out".If your husband really has strong homosexual tendencies,whether latent or not then you would have known before now.You can't just switch on or off and at the very least your sex life would have suffered.I honestly think he is lying to you to make you understand how much you hurt him.Try and get him to discuss what type of men he finds attractive,even look at some gay porn together and I think you will have your answer.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

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For a long time I lived with my lesbian best friend,during this time other people came and left as we had a four bedroom apt so there was often other people living with us.I'm not really sure why, but these housemates were always gay,both men and women.It was probably because my friend always found people to share our apt with and she would know mainly people from the gay community.My point is,I have often discussed with gay people about when they realised they were gay and how the "came out".If your husband really has strong homosexual tendencies,whether latent or not then you would have known before now.You can't just switch on or off and at the very least your sex life would have suffered.I honestly think he is lying to you to make you understand how much you hurt him.Try and get him to discuss what type of men he finds attractive,even look at some gay porn together and I think you will have your answer.
Who is to say he did not know it before now, but the religious beliefs kept him from being honest with himself about it?

Honestly, I do not understand why there is so much resistance among posters here to the idea that the guy actually feels what he says he feels. Both the OP and her husband seem genuine to me.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

I am married to a bisexual man. Thought I should toss that out there first. I treat bisexuality in marriage the same way I treat heterosexuality in marriage. The only difference is that the bisexual is forsaking others of both genders.

I'm kind of at "So, what's the problem?" If you and your DH love each other, are sexually attracted to each other with a healthy sex life, and are happy together...well, what's the problem? You'd be being monogamous despite occasionally finding others sexually attractive anyways, so what does the gender of those people matter?

Now, if one or both of you were homosexual without attraction to each other, I'd say divorce and remain friends. However, as you've described your marriage, that doesn't seem to be the case at all.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:21 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

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For a long time I lived with my lesbian best friend,during this time other people came and left as we had a four bedroom apt so there was often other people living with us.I'm not really sure why, but these housemates were always gay,both men and women.It was probably because my friend always found people to share our apt with and she would know mainly people from the gay community.My point is,I have often discussed with gay people about when they realised they were gay and how the "came out".If your husband really has strong homosexual tendencies,whether latent or not then you would have known before now.You can't just switch on or off and at the very least your sex life would have suffered.I honestly think he is lying to you to make you understand how much you hurt him.Try and get him to discuss what type of men he finds attractive,even look at some gay porn together and I think you will have your answer.
If he did this to give her a taste of her own medicine, then they have more issues than she's seeing.

I think it's possible that his bisexuality/homesexuality was repressed because of religious beliefs. And, maybe when she admitted that she was attracted to women gave him the courage to admit the same on his end.

OP-you 2 need marital counseling to help you through this.

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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

my wife said something similar once.

she had an affair with a woman 7 years ago, so we talked a lot about sexuality in the aftermath. she is bi. she actually finds women more attractive than men. always has, probably always will.


it did not hurt to hear that. i just told her that if we dont have an active and fulfilling sex life, then what the hell are we staying married for?

its not like she isnt attracted to me. when i am home, we have sex damn near every day, sometimes more than once. she initiates as often as i do. so why do i care if she physically finds women more attractive? she is still meeting my needs and is not cheating on me.

OP, keep being honest with your husband. i agree with jld and MJJEAN on this one.

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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

I think I a missing something.

The OP let her husband know that she was bisexual and actually preferred women over men. Later her husband let her know that he was bisexual and possibly preferred men over women. His coming out was probably because she did, not in revenge but because he thought she would understand how he felt.

All fair and symmetric. Not they can talk. They can agree to stay monogamous - it sounds like they are happy with each other sexually. They can agree to an open marriage where each can explore their sexuality with others. Or they can divorce and find new partners of their preferred gender.

I'm not trying trivialize this, its difficult, but it seems pretty symmetric to me.
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:49 AM
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Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

OP sorry you are going through this.

I think of you two as virgins more than anything - not knowing what you don't know about your attractions and what it would be like to "be" with someone.... what feelings - physical and emotional - you might experience.

My W and I were both virgins when we met so we've never experienced sex or intimate relationships with anyone else. But we do understand how our attraction works.

My experience and most of what I've read indicates that men emphasize / value / need sex much more than women. If this is true and particularly if this is true for your H, then his realization and self-acceptance may be more difficult to come to terms with if he realizes he will never experience a man-man relationship as long as he's with you.

Women are often more emotionally mature and nuanced - and though that is a generalization - if true for you, then your connection to your H may allow you to be able to be satisfied never realizing your attraction to women.

I have no solution - am only trying to offer a suggestion as to why he might be more torn or have more angst and conflicted feelings than you.


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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

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OP sorry you are going through this.

I think of you two as virgins more than anything - not knowing what you don't know about your attractions and what it would be like to "be" with someone.... what feelings - physical and emotional - you might experience.

My W and I were both virgins when we met so we've never experienced sex or intimate relationships with anyone else. But we do understand how our attraction works.

My experience and most of what I've read indicates that men emphasize / value / need sex much more than women. If this is true and particularly if this is true for your H, then his realization and self-acceptance may be more difficult to come to terms with if he realizes he will never experience a man-man relationship as long as he's with you.

Women are often more emotionally mature and nuanced - and though that is a generalization - if true for you, then your connection to your H may allow you to be able to be satisfied never realizing your attraction to women.

I have no solution - am only trying to offer a suggestion as to why he might be more torn or have more angst and conflicted feelings than you.


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I agree with what you said up to a point,however I still think that he is either trying to fool his wife or else fool himself.Even if he kept it hidden for religious reasons there would have been evidence of his bisexuality throughout the marriage.I know from experience that it is far easier for a young woman to explore any gay feelings she may have than it is for a man.The sexual aspect is very important,as you say men place a lot more emphasis on sex than women do.A woman who is unclear about her sexuality may simply want to get close to another female e.g. cuddle or embrace without actually having sex.This may sound ridiculous but think about girls having pyjama parties,this is one way they get these feelings out of their system.This is not true from a male perspective,men want sex and after that they may get emotionally involved.
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