Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

Here’s my story (I apologise in advance that it’s very long, but if you’re interested in quite a unique and sad story, read on…I would really really appreciate the opinion of other women)

My wife and I have been together for 9.5 years and married for 4 years before we separated in August last year (I’m 34 years old and my wife is 32). Our relationship started off fantastically well, and we had a fantastic sexual relationship for the first 2 years. I really do think my wife is absolutely beautiful, she is in great shape, looks after herself. In terms of our relationship, we were literally like best friends and have huge amounts in common.

We have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a lot so far. A grand wedding, a dream honeymoon to Bora Bora, great relationship between the two families, a beautiful 4 bedroom house in London, a new car, and a very well paid job. My wife has her own business which I helped her set up 4 years ago, and supported for the first 3 years, which was hard but something I wanted to support her with. We had a fantastic relationship and were blessed with a lot of what couples our age dream off.

However, my wife and I had a very very troubling issue that has plagued our relationship for 6 years (before marriage). After about 2 years of being together, I slowly started to loose physical intimacy for her. This escalated to where we could only have sex once a month, and then even less often. This naturally was very painful for my wife. This escalated to the point where she got depressed and had to go and see a counsellor as she thought there was something wrong with her. I felt confused and didn’t know what to do to fix it. It just didn’t make sense that the only person I couldn’t get an erection for was my wife….i still found females sexually attractive so I knew I wasn’t gay, I still found her hugely attractive so I knew it wasn’t her…and because I was so clueless, I just brushed it under the carpet stupidly thinking it will ‘fix itself somehow’.

Months turned into years and then we thought getting married would be the answer, but it didn’t fix it. We then thought moving out of my parents’ house into our own house would help, this also didn’t fix the issue. We did manage to have sex every few months or so, but it was mundane, not very exciting, and I was just trying to do it to please her. The issue got worse where I started to suffer from erectile dysfunction, but only with her. It was a very upsetting, especially for my wife.

On New Year ’s Day 2014, I finally decided to go and see a therapist and my GP, but neither helped us get closer to the answer. We both tried couples counselling but it felt like a waste of time. And then life continued, we ignored the issue, kept busy with other things….behind the scenes, my wife stopped being upset and angry, stopped mentioning the issue….i should have seen this as a sign that she was slowly giving up on our marriage….i see this now, but couldn’t then. Things were still good in other areas and we still showed each other a lot of affection and care, but it wasn’t how it should have been.

In 2016, last year, the start of the year started ok, we went on a fantastic holiday to Mauritius where we spent time together, had a great time, but we didn’t have sex. However, after May, things deteriorated fast…..Other people noticed things weren’t right. In July we finally addressed the issue, but 4 weeks later she thought that we should separate. I was devastated by knew we had hit rock bottom.

In the 6 weeks of separation I went into ‘action mode’…..i talked to more people about our issue (normally im a very private person), I talked to my wifes family, I went to see the doctor again, I went to see a third therapist (who did help with making sense of my feelings at least), I went to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture which did help with the stress, I seeked solace in God (im a Hindu) and prayed every day, and went to the temple every Monday, I read every article I could find about sexual issue’s in marriage, I made an appointment with a very expensive Harley Street clinic to check that I didn’t have a Testosterone issue, I increased my gym sessions to get fitter in case that helped, I gave her the space she asked for, carried on paying the full mortgage, left her the car. And even after she said she wanted a divorce, my family and I still attended her younger sisters engagement ceremony – it was the hardest day of my life but I didn’t for her. I had made real changes in those 6 weeks and over the last 5 months, which my wife also acknowledges and has commented positively on.

However, after the 6 weeks of separation, she had decided enough was enough, and that she wanted a divorce. She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but was no longer in love, and didn’t have any more energy to give. She has been seeing her therapist, but won’t let me come to a joint session. And she isn’t really talking to her friends and family about it. I was obviously devastated. Initially her issues were the lack of intimacy and starting a family, but as time went by she came up with other reasons – I think she was trying to convince herself that she is doing the right thing.

Some of the things that she has said are ‘she loves and cares for me as a person’, ‘she feels broken’, ‘she can’t give anymore’, ‘she wasn’t feeling like herself whilst being married’, ‘she’s doesn’t regret marrying me, but she regrets not resolving our issue before marrying me’, ‘she feels we became best friends, instead of a couple in love’.

The strange part is I actually found out the root of our issue only 2 months ago accidently by randomly typing different searches in Google….what I was suffering from was Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)….its where you watch porn and your brain rewires itself to become stimulated to that level of sexual exposure….this means that a real partner sexually can no longer stimulate you as your brain expects the variety and intensity that porn provides…..it also has other symptoms such as brain fogging, loss of concentration, loss of appetite for real sex and real partners, reduced emotional intimacy, etc. The issue has only been around for the last 5-10 years due to high speed internet.

The problem I have is that I didn’t know it was the porn that was effecting me….. in my head, I could get an erection when watching porn, or seeing some other sexy female image/real life person on the street, so I assumed that my bodily function was ok and it must be psychological….i never put the porn and the erectile dysfunction (ED) together…my understanding of ED was it either works all of the time, or none of the time…. I never have cheated on my wife so I don’t know if this would have affected me with another real woman. I wasn’t and am not actually addicted to porn, I never have been, however I was doing it because it was a good stress reliever….if I had known that it was this that had caused all our problems and heartache, I would have stopped a long time ago…..the good news is its pretty straight forward to resolve the issue….its called ‘rebooting’ and you basically need to stop watching porn and masturbation totally…..depending on severity, it can take 3 – 12 months….in my case, more likely 3 months. None of my friends had even heard of it…..and after seeing the doctor twice, and 4 different therapists, none of them could diagnose it.

Thankfully i am well on the way to recovery, i have been free of porn for 2.5 months, and normal male functionality is returning.

I am very confident that with couples therapy, now that we know what had affected our marriage and im on the road to recovery, I think we can have a very happy marriage together…..however my wife won’t change her mind…she is set on divorce. I love her very much and genuinely feel we have a marriage that can be saved.

Do you think she is giving up to early and should try to work things out one more time, or do you think she is making the right decision? I really do believe there is a good marriage that can be saved here….i know I should have tried harder and not left it so late, I punish myself every single day thinking about that….but I can only do something about tomorrow, and not the past….i would love to know what advice women who have been through divorce would give my wife if she was a close friend of yours…appreciate all the feedback.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

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Do you think she is giving up to early and should try to work things out one more time, or do you think she is making the right decision?
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Months turned into years and then we thought getting married would be the answer, but it didn’t fix it. We then thought moving out of my parents’ house into our own house would help, this also didn’t fix the issue. We did manage to have sex every few months or so, but it was mundane, not very exciting, and I was just trying to do it to please her. The issue got worse where I started to suffer from erectile dysfunction, but only with her. It was a very upsetting, especially for my wife.
Is she giving up early? Uhhh, no! She waited years for you to get it straight. To get your sex life pointing in the right direction. You did hard-ly nothing during that time, especially sticking it to her. She is beautiful, she will certainly find another man to take up your slack jack.

I would tell her that you have cured your problem. Should you tell her it was the pornography that you were watching that caused this? If you do this, it will crush any love for you that is left.

Before you go and call her and say, "Hey, hey, my peter is now working. It gets hard and stays hard", first test drive it. Test drive it with a real women, not a Palm Tree.

With who? That is your problem, not mine, Thank Krishna.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

If you aren't having actual sex with a woman you can't really say for sure that you have returned to normal male functionality. Have you thought about seducing your wife?

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

I understand why your wife wants a divorce. You only got really motivated to fix the problem once she was completely burned out and you know that you going to lose her. That means that you have not been really committed to your her and your relationship. Your over use of porn also supports that.

She has to leave because she knows that it will take you quite some time to fix your porn problem and even then there is no guarantee that you will want her sexually after that.

I think that your best bet is for you to accept the divorce, heal your problem with porn and then find a new woman to start fresh with. And when you are with this new woman, never use porn again.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

Nobody can speculate on what she should do, she's the one who lives with this and he decision is hers.

But you should keep in mind that from your wife's perspective you weren't nearly as motivated to deal with your issues when it was just her unhappiness. It was only when she wanted a divorce and your life turned upside down that you became motivated.

Many women will see that as selfish.

And you aren't the one that dealt with the pain of rejection, she was. So of course to you it's much easier to give it anther another shot.

Your needs were met.....hers weren't.

But regardless, you can't pressure her into being in love with you and wanting to be married to to you. She'll have to come to that conclusion on her own.

Stop pursuing her and keep working in yourself, and maybe she'll start to see you as something valuable she wants.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

Your only chance is to court her like when you first married her. You had your chance in the marriage and you blew it, depending on the fact that you were married isn't going to help you. You are basically starting from scratch, even worse you are starting with the memory of all the problems you had, so it's an uphill battle. Thing is, it's a big risk for her, she may not want to take it.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

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Originally Posted by Ricji View Post
Here’s my story
I commend you for your honesty in your post. You tried to give us a fair picture of what happened. Unfortunately, it is probably a year or two too late. We can all understand your wife's resentment of you finally trying your best to solve the problem after she left. Someday I plan to divorce my wife for her lack of concern about our sex life and lack of romantic love. If she then tells me that she is finally willing to try her best to solve the problem, I will probably cringe in disgust.

Let your wife know that you're sorry and then be very understanding with her decision.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

She probably already found someone else.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

Dear OP, you don't get to say what someone else should or should not do. No one does--all people, even wives, have free agency and will, and are allowed to make their own choices regarding what's right. As many other posters have already pointed out, this was a problem for more than 7 years in your relationship, and you only really invested yourself in finding a solution once she told you she wanted a divorce. Scroll up and read the post by @lifeistooshort again--she makes some crucial points, especially that your wife's happiness wasn't enough to spur you to action; it was only when YOUR happiness was threatened did you take action.

This divorce isn't about the ED, it's about the fact that you failed to make your partner's happiness, and therefore the health of the relationship, a priority. It wasn't the lack of sex that ended things; it was the fact that you simply didn't care. It's going to take a lot more than fixing your ED issues to save your marriage, and That is what you have failed to grasp thus far.

Even now, you still aren't taking your wife seriously. You came on to TAM asking us for validation, asking us to confirm that yes, your wife is just being silly and she should come back to you now that you've fixed the problem. You're asking for validation that your wife is wrong. I can't speak for every woman, but I certainly wouldn't be in a hurry to run back to a man who was looking for ways to invalidate my feelings or correct my [perfectly valid] behavior/reactions.

You're asking the wrong questions, OP.

Honestly, I think your chances of winning your wife back are very, very slim. She gave up on you a LONG time ago. If a woman is arguing with you over something, if she is driving you up a wall, she's not fighting you; she's fighting for the relationship, because she wants the relationship to succeed and to last. If she stops arguing with you, it doesn't mean that the matter is resolved, it doesn't matter, or she no longer cares; it means that she is giving up. Giving up on you, and that eventually snowballs into giving up on the relationship. Women argue not to prove their partner wrong, but because they want to find a solution to the problem. If their partner isn't working with them to find a solution, it tells the woman that he doesn't care about the relationship.

Your wife checked out of this marriage a long time ago. When she stopped pestering and arguing with you about the ED problem, your fate was sealed, I'm afraid. When a woman decides she is done with a relationship, very rarely will she change her mind. You will have to move mountains and part waters to convince her otherwise, and even that may not be enough.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

First you should check the phone records/texts to ensure she hadn't found someone else - one number she contacts all the time. Most women don't leave marriages unless there's someone waiting for them.

IF you rule that out, and she truly fell out of love with you, your odds are extremely slim to get her to give you another chance. After all, she asked for more for years and years and, because YOU were happy with the situation, you didn't care. What does that tell you? It tells me that you put your own happiness ahead of hers.

Look up the books His Needs Her Needs as well as its corollary, Love Busters. It will explain all this. Maybe you could share what you learned in them with her. That's about the only thing I can think of.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

Your wife is not giving up too soon. She should have left you long ago. Obviously your concern for her has been minimal and still is. I recommend that you start looking beyond your nose and learn to have empathy and love for others rather than being so self-focused that you don't even notice that your wife has been harmed by your behavior and it's not just porn. It's you whole attitude about not really caring about her needs. Even now your questions show you don't get what your wife needs. She needs a loving husband who puts her needs on level with his own. You are still not doing that.

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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

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First you should check the phone records/texts to ensure she hadn't found someone else - one number she contacts all the time. Most women don't leave marriages unless there's someone waiting for them.

IF you rule that out, and she truly fell out of love with you, your odds are extremely slim to get her to give you another chance. After all, she asked for more for years and years and, because YOU were happy with the situation, you didn't care. What does that tell you? It tells me that you put your own happiness ahead of hers.

Look up the books His Needs Her Needs as well as its corollary, Love Busters. It will explain all this. Maybe you could share what you learned in them with her. That's about the only thing I can think of.
Disagree with the bolded part. How many women on TAM left their husbands and had someone waiting for them? Certainly not most. Very few.

Agree with the rest of your post.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

Absolutely your wife is doing the right thing.

Forget figuring out PIED as the be-all-end-all solution to your marriage problems.

Your marriage problem was that, while you had the sexual issue, you DIDN'T make your wife's feelings a priority. You didn't mention anything about giving her non-PIV intimacy, which you were still perfectly capable of. You didn't mention anything about using pornography all throughout your relationship as a substitute for intimacy. How do you think she felt for years when you rejected her in favour of pornography and didn't seem to care if it hurt her? You basically admitted to brushing her feelings and depression under the carpet for years.

Even if you get over your PIED, you're still the type of selfish man who does not consider his wife's feelings, withdraws from her when she needs intimacy the most, and ignores her when she suffers emotionally. You didn't do anything until YOU hit rock bottom, when she'd been at rock bottom for YEARS.

If I had to advise your wife, I would say that divorce is the right path, and only recommend otherwise if, after some time, you could prove that you fully understood how badly you hurt her and how selfish you were, and had made sincere and lasting effort (extensive counselling for example) to change the type of person you were. Even then, I'd suggest that if she hasn't found anybody else by then and still cares about you, she should start with dating, and date long enough to assess the longevity of the personality changes you'd made.

A few months avoiding porn is like a bandaid on a broken arm to your issues.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

It's shocking to me that you couldn't figure out your porn use was a problem.

No, she is not wrong to divorce you. You had years to fix the no sex problem---- it wasn't a no sex problem, it was a NO INTIMACY problem for her. It should have been a huge problem for you.

The fact is that as another poster said, when she stopped bothering you about it, her mind was made up. It matters not what she SHOULD do, it matters what she HAS DONE. You are divorced.

In order for you to have a happy life, you have to accept that your wife is gone, is in your past, and you have to move on. Don't worry about shoulda, woulda, coulda. She's gone and you have to accept it. Once the switch is thrown, nothing will get it back in the on position. It's broken in the off position.

A couple of questions for you: We know you want her back. Do you think she's the only woman you can love? Can you accept that she will never love you again? Are you truly never going to look at porn again? It cost you your wife, after all.... It'll cost you another if you start it again.

Honestly, the more I read on here, the more I realize that porn is just BAD stuff.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 11:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should my wife reconsider decision to divorce?

Thank you all for taking the time out to read and reply, i sincerely appreciate it. some very valid points that i must swallow and accept. god bless you all.
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