Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #136 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

CM,

I have no idea what she's thinking. And I realize uncertainty is difficult. That said, this is the perfect opportunity to focus on acceptance. Acceptance that you have no control over what she does. Only over what you do.

So focus on:
- work (and improving your financial situation)
- kids
- fun activities




Quote:
Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
Thanks @MEM2020 this entire situation sucks so bad and emotions are all over the place since I cant even think of just myself since Children are involved and financially we are locked together pretty tightly.

Regarding being served papers do you think it is odd that she hasn't pushed me on receiving the papers since she plans to self serve? I wonder if she thinks I am going to fall apart and make the divorce messy so waiting until after my New IC sessions or if she is building more time to sort stuff her end while enjoying all the old perks of being married since it makes things easier for her or if she is not sure and still thinking about working on marriage at some point but not quite ready?????????


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post #137 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
CM,

I have no idea what she's thinking. And I realize uncertainty is difficult. That said, this is the perfect opportunity to focus on acceptance. Acceptance that you have no control over what she does. Only over what you do.

So focus on:
- work (and improving your financial situation)
- kids
- fun activities
I know I guess I just keep needing to hear the same stuff over and over until it sinks in finally .

I did find an apartment complex not too far away with a bunch of nice amenities and have build a list of items I need to purchase which is somewhat reassuring at times knowing what I need and where I can go if needed.
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post #138 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

CM,

There's sort of a range of responses to these type situations. Let's break this into:
- The driver
- The passenger

She's driving this. My approach would be:
- If you are unhappy with me, you should end it
- I'm gonna miss you, but I hope everything turns out the way you want


Quote:
Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
I know I guess I just keep needing to hear the same stuff over and over until it sinks in finally .

I did find an apartment complex not too far away with a bunch of nice amenities and have build a list of items I need to purchase which is somewhat reassuring at times knowing what I need and where I can go if needed.
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post #139 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:54 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Ok, so how do you maintain the long term relationships vs the get them in the door and sell them and move on. I had a golden record at keeping and growing accounts. It wasn't because I am a fast talker I am not. It wasn't my company could do things others did not. Instead I focused on the what got the client though the day without heart burn and people piling on. I always strived to make my contact promotable. I wanted to be the file and forget guy. Give me the work it showed up done on schedule. When a problem occured I aiways had three solutions for it to discuss with them. I educated them about what went into the project on my end. Most of all I knew the expression the customer is aiways right is wrong. My job was to make the customer aiways right.

Think of these traits in terms of relationships overall. See how many apply to your marriage. See what you did well in these terms, and what you dud not. Accept this fact do not repeat the same mistakes either with a new marriage or reconcilation. Grow. don't hesitate to do little thoughful things. Your going out of the office, someone is complaing about a head ache or sore muscle, you stop on the way back at a drug store and pick up a small package of aspirin, or Ben gay and leave it on their desk without a word. This shows awarness and concern. Not a huge act but it hits home.

Finally read Not Just Friends it discusses healthy boundaries. Also read 7 habits of successful people. Both will impact both you personal and professional life. When you get PM and want them I will share the company I worked for, the clients I develop and how I did it. This cared over into my personal life in one form or another.

One note, if your job was one and done many of the skills needed are very different and when used I personal relationships always fail. But hey you can pick up woman quickly with them.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #140 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Ok, so how do you maintain the long term relationships vs the get them in the door and sell them and move on. I had a golden record at keeping and growing accounts. It wasn't because I am a fast talker I am not. It wasn't my company could do things others did not. Instead I focused on the what got the client though the day without heart burn and people piling on. I always strived to make my contact promotable. I wanted to be the file and forget guy. Give me the work it showed up done on schedule. When a problem occured I aiways had three solutions for it to discuss with them. I educated them about what went into the project on my end. Most of all I knew the expression the customer is aiways right is wrong. My job was to make the customer aiways right.

Think of these traits in terms of relationships overall. See how many apply to your marriage. See what you did well in these terms, and what you dud not. Accept this fact do not repeat the same mistakes either with a new marriage or reconcilation. Grow. don't hesitate to do little thoughful things. Your going out of the office, someone is complaing about a head ache or sore muscle, you stop on the way back at a drug store and pick up a small package of aspirin, or Ben gay and leave it on their desk without a word. This shows awarness and concern. Not a huge act but it hits home.

Finally read Not Just Friends it discusses healthy boundaries. Also read 7 habits of successful people. Both will impact both you personal and professional life. When you get PM and want them I will share the company I worked for, the clients I develop and how I did it. This cared over into my personal life in one form or another.

One note, if your job was one and done many of the skills needed are very different and when used I personal relationships always fail. But hey you can pick up woman quickly with them.
Thanks John I will check out those books.
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post #141 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

OK so update from the weekend, everything was civil and cordial, we took the kids out for dinner and seemed like everything was normal.

She had planned to go hang with her friend in the evening so I was chilling at home, she left and was back within 10 minutes and broke down and told me she didn't want me to be nice to her and she needs me to sign the papers ASAP and that was the end of that conversation.

We are meeting at the court today so I can officially accept service and start getting divorced.

Really not sure how I can stay in same house but don't want to cause trouble for myself and move out either, lots of confusion currently which I am sure will continue over the next few months.

I really appreciate everyone who takes time to offer support, advice and encouragement. I have requested a name change on here so not sure how it affects the thread but hopefully it will stay intact so I can continue to post, possibly start a new thread I am not sure yet.
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post #142 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

I just got back from being served Divorce papers and signing at the court, it was a surreal and oddly calm environment, wanted to break down a few times but kept it together just kept thinking about all her bad qualities and the positives that can come from this, more freedom in being able to make decisions and buy/do what I want without having to run it by her and more free time to become someone outside of being someones Husband and Dad.
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post #143 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

You should start a new thread and you can always post the link of this thread to your signature at the bottom if people want to know the whole story, but since you are not entering a new phase in your life, perhaps its a good time...
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post #144 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
OK so update from the weekend, everything was civil and cordial, we took the kids out for dinner and seemed like everything was normal.

She had planned to go hang with her friend in the evening so I was chilling at home, she left and was back within 10 minutes and broke down and told me she didn't want me to be nice to her and she needs me to sign the papers ASAP and that was the end of that conversation.

We are meeting at the court today so I can officially accept service and start getting divorced.

Really not sure how I can stay in same house but don't want to cause trouble for myself and move out either, lots of confusion currently which I am sure will continue over the next few months.

I really appreciate everyone who takes time to offer support, advice and encouragement. I have requested a name change on here so not sure how it affects the thread but hopefully it will stay intact so I can continue to post, possibly start a new thread I am not sure yet.
Curious why did she come back 10 minutes later and ask not to be nice...was she going to do something and she was feeling guilty?
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post #145 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
Curious why did she come back 10 minutes later and ask not to be nice...was she going to do something and she was feeling guilty?
I wish I knew, I assume she has some guilt on her mind and wants out before it comes out so she can keep everything Civil during proceedings.

I am trying not to care as much as possible.

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post #146 of 149 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

-post deleted- wrong thread.

Last edited by MovingFrwrd; 03-01-2017 at 06:19 PM. Reason: Posted on the wrong thread
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post #147 of 149 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:04 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Figured it out. Sorry for the confusion

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish

Last edited by JohnA; 03-04-2017 at 07:04 PM.
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post #148 of 149 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:31 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

What are the custody terms? Please what are the custody terms?

CMB, one day at a time, one decision at a time. Custody what is it???

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #149 of 149 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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What are the custody terms? Please what are the custody terms?

CMB, one day at a time, one decision at a time. Custody what is it???
@JohnA this has not been decided yet, we will be attending mediation next week to go over and I will update then, the plan is some form of 50/50.

I started a new thread here - Entering Divorce proceedings

M - 12
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