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post #16 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

@CMB82,

Acknowledge your mistakes and correct them. When we know better we do better. Do not wallow in self punishment. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get to work.

"No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." - David Schnarch


"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage
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post #17 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Cmb,

Has she:
1. Seen a lawyer
2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to

When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?

Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend.

Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt

Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger.






Quote:
Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
I work a Commission Job and was sole provider financially for us all, lots of pressure in the build up to get to the point of being financially stable and I dreaded going to work each morning but felt trapped and ended up coming home frustrated and angry most evenings. She ran the house and felt undervalued and under appreciated which was never my Intention but I guess my actions showed otherwise. This has all passed but she disconnected during this point and it has taken me a long time to see that, its been one big miscommunication

1)I didn't realize she was hurt at first
2)I thought she was nitpicking and attacking me all the time
3)She thought I didn't care
4)She stops showing affection
5)I feel rejected
6)Boom here we are.

All could have been solved if i had pulled my head out the sand earlier.
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post #18 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
And you own up to that. For many, when one owns up to their misgivings, etc. it opens up the conversation and course to repair/correct what went wrong. Lay it all out of the table.

In no uncertain terms and point blank I told my W I was a complete idiot for not listening and acknowledging what she was saying. In now fully understanding the issue I told my W I will turn it around and be the H she hoped(prayed) for all those years. With my actions I was able to turn the marriage around and be all that my W hoped I would be.
I would also add, that when you own up to it, already have some clear ideas in mind of what action steps you plan on taking to work on fixing the marriage--and this plan needs to incorporate making sure that her needs in the relationship are being met. Be open to her suggestions, and finalize a plan together, and then actually DO it. If you "own up to it" but then don't have a plan [which addresses her needs], and if you don't follow through, she'll think that the "owning up" was just an act and didn't mean anything, and that you didn't really think about it, and that you were just owning up because it's what she wanted to hear, and that you weren't really listening to her.

Words + Actions. You've gotta have both.

(And women really like a man with a plan. Most women WANT their hubby to take on a leadership role in the relationship, which many men fail at, sadly.)

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

Last edited by FeministInPink; 01-19-2017 at 01:14 PM.
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post #19 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Words + Actions. You've gotta have both.

(And women really like a man with a plan. Most women WANT their hubby to take on a leadership role in the relationship, which many men fail at, sadly.)

Words + Actions....that need to continue. Not just for a week then back to the same old same old. You need to want the change, make the change and keep that change going.


Leadership: definitely.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #20 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Have you excluded the obvious? (Affair)
Surprised nobody mentioned that. I am not usually the one to extrapolate first.
It is unusual to just decide to leave like this. People do go through rough patches and a strong partnership usually can work through these things.
I am hesitant to recommend fighting for her, in case there is someone else (if there is, there is much less chance of success). If there definitely isn't, I don't think all is lost.
Don't think affair first. Some do hold it in until they can't take it anymore or there are those that are vocal and eventually call the ball.

My W was vocal. She called the ball of lack of attentiveness and anger issues of mine. Simply put, "Get it(lack of attention/anger) fixed or I'm gone."

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #21 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Cmb,

Has she:
1. Seen a lawyer
2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to

When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?

Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend.

Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt

Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger.
She has not seen a lawyer as she doesn't want to use one as she thinks we can be civil enough to work it out ourselves, but has got contact info for a mediator and worked out a custody plan and child/spousal support, she has told her Mom and some friends also. We still share a bed and she has not asked me to move out yet but I pay all the bills.
She is a good person and told me she doesn't want to break my heart but is not sure she can be in love with me again and just wants to be happy even if that is alone.
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post #22 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Cmb,

Has she:
1. Seen a lawyer
2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to

When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?

Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend.

Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt

Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I would also add, that when you own up to it, already have some clear ideas in mind of what action steps you plan on taking to work on fixing the marriage--and this plan needs to incorporate making sure that her needs in the relationship are being met. Be open to her suggestions, and finalize a plan together, and then actually DO it. If you "own up to it" but then don't have a plan [which addresses her needs], and if you don't follow through, she'll think that the "owning up" was just an act and didn't mean anything, and that you didn't really think about it, and that you were just owning up because it's what she wanted to hear, and that you weren't really listening to her.

Words + Actions. You've gotta have both.

(And women really like a man with a plan. Most women WANT their hubby to take on a leadership role in the relationship, which many men fail at, sadly.)
Thanks @FeministInPink I have a plan and know what I need to do, I just struggle to get any feedback from her, if what i am doing is wrong I want her to tell me, its also hard day to day to be what you want and need to be when your so full of anxiety and there is so much uncertainty.

She is so angry that it took her getting to this point to make me wake up and I get that but I am awake now and just need the opportunity to fix it and get back on track again, I honestly feel if we can get through this then our marriage will be so much better than it has ever been.
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post #23 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Good.

First thing to do when you realize you're in a deep hole, is: stop digging

1. Do playful, physical stuff with the kids - pillow fight - throw a ball around - whatever. It will help with your chronic anxiety.
2. Do NOT ask your wife for reassurance. Don't ask what she's thinking/planning. If she wants to talk, listen. Its ok to acknowledge your role - but - the anxious chatterbug thing is a huge turn off to women. So stick with this - soft and calm: I created this situation. So married or not - I'm going to try to make it up to you.

If she asks how you plan to do that: Just say - by being a good partner - instead of an emotional boat anchor dragging you underwater.

3. Talking that YOU initiate needs to be limited to positive things.

And don't promise to 'be' better. Just be better.






Quote:
Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
She has not seen a lawyer as she doesn't want to use one as she thinks we can be civil enough to work it out ourselves, but has got contact info for a mediator and worked out a custody plan and child/spousal support, she has told her Mom and some friends also. We still share a bed and she has not asked me to move out yet but I pay all the bills.
She is a good person and told me she doesn't want to break my heart but is not sure she can be in love with me again and just wants to be happy even if that is alone.
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post #24 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Words + Actions....that need to continue. Not just for a week then back to the same old same old. You need to want the change, make the change and keep that change going.


Leadership: definitely.
Yes. The change has to be permanent. If you stop and revert to old ways, it'll be over for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Don't think affair first. Some do hold it in until they can't take it anymore or there are those that are vocal and eventually call the ball.

My W was vocal. She called the ball of lack of attentiveness and anger issues of mine. Simply put, "Get it(lack of attention/anger) fixed or I'm gone."
I don't understand why people always jump the the affair thing first. Maybe because an affair means that the BS can avoid responsibility? I dunno.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #25 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
Thanks @FeministInPink I have a plan and know what I need to do, I just struggle to get any feedback from her, if what i am doing is wrong I want her to tell me, its also hard day to day to be what you want and need to be when your so full of anxiety and there is so much uncertainty.

She is so angry that it took her getting to this point to make me wake up and I get that but I am awake now and just need the opportunity to fix it and get back on track again, I honestly feel if we can get through this then our marriage will be so much better than it has ever been.
If she's not cooperating, then just DO IT. It may take a while for her to give even the littlest inch, because she's assuming that if she waits you out long enough, you'll just go back to the way things were. Don't beg her for input or feedback if she's stonewalling or made it clear that she's not going to be an active participant. When she believes it's for real, she will come to you.

Ditto to @MEM2020's post above. Good advice.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #26 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Don't think affair first. Some do hold it in until they can't take it anymore or there are those that are vocal and eventually call the ball.

My W was vocal. She called the ball of lack of attentiveness and anger issues of mine. Simply put, "Get it(lack of attention/anger) fixed or I'm gone."
Yes but did she actually go? It's one thing to threaten and quite another, to actually do it.
I would first want to make sure before investing all my energy into trying to repair the damage.
Something doesn't seem right to me here.
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post #27 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Cmb,

Has she:
1. Seen a lawyer
2. Discussed moving out or asked you to move out
3. Moved out of the bedroom or asked you to

When did she say she wanted out, and what have you done in response?

Turns out - situations like these - the truth is your friend.

Here's the truth. A 100% commission job that isn't going very well is a terrific source of the raw materials of anger.

Anger is a secondary emotion, it comes from two sources: fear or hurt

Coming up a sales learning curve, lots of rejection (hurt), and low commissions (fear of failing as a provider) - is a great recipe for anger.
I missed your other question - Since she told me I have done a lot of self evaluation, been up/down and every other which way emotionally, I apologized verbally and with letters for things I have done in the past and told her there was never a bad intent, genuinely seen the errors I have made, asked her to be more open with me on what she needs as it turns out things i did which I thought made her happy weren't actually what she wanted. We had one session with a marriage counselor but she told me after her heart wasn't in it and was very hostile in the session. I have since seen the counselor solo since she didn't want to come back with me and I needed someone to talk to.
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post #28 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Yes but did she actually go? It's one thing to threaten and quite another, to actually do it.
I would first want to make sure before investing all my energy into trying to repair the damage.
Something doesn't seem right to me here.
My W said, "Fix it or she is out." The opportunity was to fix it. If I did nothing, knowing my W, she would have left.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #29 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
I missed your other question - Since she told me I have done a lot of self evaluation, been up/down and every other which way emotionally, I apologized verbally and with letters for things I have done in the past and told her there was never a bad intent, genuinely seen the errors I have made, asked her to be more open with me on what she needs as it turns out things i did which I thought made her happy weren't actually what she wanted. We had one session with a marriage counselor but she told me after her heart wasn't in it and was very hostile in the session. I have since seen the counselor solo since she didn't want to come back with me and I needed someone to talk to.
It is far better to know what your W wants certainly. For your W not to tell you what she wants is not fair at all.

Refusal to go to counselor after the first session is not a good sign for you. But it might also be a sign that she feels the counselor will find things in the relationship that she has done that will put a bad light on it.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #30 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
Good.

First thing to do when you realize you're in a deep hole, is: stop digging

1. Do playful, physical stuff with the kids - pillow fight - throw a ball around - whatever. It will help with your chronic anxiety.
2. Do NOT ask your wife for reassurance. Don't ask what she's thinking/planning. If she wants to talk, listen. Its ok to acknowledge your role - but - the anxious chatterbug thing is a huge turn off to women. So stick with this - soft and calm: I created this situation. So married or not - I'm going to try to make it up to you.

If she asks how you plan to do that: Just say - by being a good partner - instead of an emotional boat anchor dragging you underwater.

3. Talking that YOU initiate needs to be limited to positive things.

And don't promise to 'be' better. Just be better.
This makes a lot of sense thanks I am so thankful for all the input from you all.
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