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post #31 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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If she's not cooperating, then just DO IT. It may take a while for her to give even the littlest inch, because she's assuming that if she waits you out long enough, you'll just go back to the way things were. Don't beg her for input or feedback if she's stonewalling or made it clear that she's not going to be an active participant. When she believes it's for real, she will come to you.

Ditto to @MEM2020's post above. Good advice.
Thank you for your input and I really hope so

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post #32 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Thank you for your input and I really hope so
I hope so, too. Good luck

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post #33 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Yes. The change has to be permanent. If you stop and revert to old ways, it'll be over for you.



I don't understand why people always jump the the affair thing first. Maybe because an affair means that the BS can avoid responsibility? I dunno.
This is the first time I suggested it here actually. From OP's writing, it seems to me that he is a caring and sensitive person who thinks deeply about issues. We all have stresses in our lives and many couples help each other get through these things.
Some wives stay in abusive marriages. I am not suggesting she should have stayed just that it normally takes A LOT of damage for someone to actually leave. Or people fall out of love (and often fall in love with somebody else).
I am not suggesting there actually is an affair. I am only suggesting for the OP to make sure there definitely isn't one as preventative measure. What is the harm?

Also: if someone is having an affair, it doesn't absolve anyone from any responsibility IMO.
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post #34 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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This is the first time I suggested it here actually. From OP's writing, it seems to me that he is a caring and sensitive person who thinks deeply about issues. We all have stresses in our lives and many couples help each other get through these things.
Some wives stay in abusive marriages. I am not suggesting she should have stayed just that it normally takes A LOT of damage for someone to actually leave. Or people fall out of love (and often fall in love with somebody else).
I am not suggesting there actually is an affair. I am only suggesting for the OP to make sure there definitely isn't one as preventative measure. What is the harm?

Also: if someone is having an affair, it doesn't absolve anyone from any responsibility IMO.
@inmyprime I do appreciate all input here and people taking the time to put down thoughts/idea, I don't think she is having an affair but obviously i cannot guarantee that but from knowing her for so long I would find it hard to believe.
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post #35 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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And modern divorce laws don't favor women as much as they used to.
I have to respectfully disagree with you. Divorce laws and judges DO favor woman in almost every way. I have seen countless examples.

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post #36 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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@CMB82,

Acknowledge your mistakes and correct them. When we know better we do better. Do not wallow in self punishment. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get to work.

"No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." - David Schnarch
Sounds like the common theme is pick myself up and show the change, thanks for taking the time to respond
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post #37 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Sounds like the common theme is pick myself up and show the change, thanks for taking the time to respond
And keep the good change going. Picking yourself up and getting at it exudes confidence, determination and leading. All excellent qualities in all you do.

Good luck!

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post #38 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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This is the first time I suggested it here actually. From OP's writing, it seems to me that he is a caring and sensitive person who thinks deeply about issues. We all have stresses in our lives and many couples help each other get through these things.
Some wives stay in abusive marriages. I am not suggesting she should have stayed just that it normally takes A LOT of damage for someone to actually leave. Or people fall out of love (and often fall in love with somebody else).
I am not suggesting there actually is an affair. I am only suggesting for the OP to make sure there definitely isn't one as preventative measure. What is the harm?

Also: if someone is having an affair, it doesn't absolve anyone from any responsibility IMO.
I wan't trying to call you out specifically. It just seems to come up in every thread where the wife is unhappy in the marriage, and it's almost always suggested by a male poster. Like it's the default assumption, she's unhappy, she's probably having an affair. I feel like I see it a lot, as if no one's heard of walk-away-wife syndrome, which is what this case is, more likely.

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post #39 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I have to respectfully disagree with you. Divorce laws and judges DO favor woman in almost every way. I have seen countless examples.
In some states. Not all. I would have been royally screwed in my divorce if my XH decided to lawyer up. On paper, I earned so much more than he did that he could have sued me for alimony and won, because most of his income was under the table (even though he only made slightly less than I). And he could have taken half my retirement, because my retirement was considered marital funds while his weren't--but he wouldn't have had a retirement account at all, if I hadn't stopped him from cashing it out the year before we married.

So there's a counter example. Women with an education and a career are just as likely to get screwed.

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post #40 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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@inmyprime I do appreciate all input here and people taking the time to put down thoughts/idea, I don't think she is having an affair but obviously i cannot guarantee that but from knowing her for so long I would find it hard to believe.
And I very much hope that there isn't anyone else. If you do spend a bit of time reading some threads on "Coping with Infidelity" board, you will quickly see that the most unbelievable things tend to happen more often than people realise, and it's usually typical when someone is caught completely off-guard.
Again: I am not saying any of this applies to you. Just better be safe.

If it's all clear then I would try as best as I can to establish through conversations with your wife what it would take, to get another chance with her.

To be honest, I do feel it is rather more unbelievable that someone will throw away years of life together (with kids and everything) because they felt neglected (for how long?) during a very stressful time in a job. There must be more to the story.
I don't like to speculate (because this will invite hostile responses) but for someone who stays at home all day long, it is not unusual to develop an emotional bond with someone else (especially if you weren't available).

I made a mistake once trying to help a friend a while ago (who had very similar issues actually) advising him on every possible way how to try and mend things with his wife and win her over again. What I didn't know (nor did he) that his wife was already way past "checked out" and sleeping with another person for quite some time. It explained why counselling did absolutely nothing. Until you are absolutely sure, I would be cautious in how to proceed.


Last edited by inmyprime; 01-19-2017 at 04:12 PM.
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post #41 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I wan't trying to call you out specifically. It just seems to come up in every thread where the wife is unhappy in the marriage, and it's almost always suggested by a male poster. Like it's the default assumption, she's unhappy, she's probably having an affair. I feel like I see it a lot, as if no one's heard of walk-away-wife syndrome, which is what this case is, more likely.
I have done a lot of reading recently and walk-away-wife syndrome always comes up, I had never heard the phrase before recently but it sounds exactly like my situation. Also looks and sounds pretty grim on the options to make amends but I'm still keeping some hope.
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post #42 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:08 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

CMB,
You really only have one big enemy - and if you want to take his measure - go stand in front of a mirror.

You come across as a genuinely good guy with one - large but likely fixable - issue. Anxiety.

Most guys with walk away wives - are simply unable to address their own core issue or issues. You strike me as fairly self aware and pretty determined.

I have/had similar issues. My guess is - you are probably more controlling than you realize.



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I have done a lot of reading recently and walk-away-wife syndrome always comes up, I had never heard the phrase before recently but it sounds exactly like my situation. Also looks and sounds pretty grim on the options to make amends but I'm still keeping some hope.
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post #43 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I wan't trying to call you out specifically. It just seems to come up in every thread where the wife is unhappy in the marriage, and it's almost always suggested by a male poster. Like it's the default assumption, she's unhappy, she's probably having an affair. I feel like I see it a lot, as if no one's heard of walk-away-wife syndrome, which is what this case is, more likely.
Absolutely. But "unhappy" is really a very different animal from "leaving". The latter takes a lot more. I have also issued many threats during arguments, many times. I would never think of carrying them out (don't tell my wife).

Does a "walk- away-wife" mean there is never somebody else? Or does it also encompass situation where husbands don't know that there is somebody else.
I read threads where husbands have been checked out of marriages for years, addicted to porn, don't have sex with their wives are rude and abusive, where the wives actually have evidence that husband is cheating. A lot of them still don't leave! Of course every one is different and will react differently to any situation. Stress at work? I don't know. I do hope this is not the case.

Anyway, it's up to the OP to do his due diligence and mend things, where necessary. How old are the children?
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post #44 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:11 PM
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Is committed MC(marriage counseling) out of the question for the two of you?

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post #45 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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CMB,
You really only have one big enemy - and if you want to take his measure - go stand in front of a mirror.

You come across as a genuinely good guy with one - large but likely fixable - issue. Anxiety.

Most guys with walk away wives - are simply unable to address their own core issue or issues. You strike me as fairly self aware and pretty determined.

I have/had similar issues. My guess is - you are probably more controlling than you realize.
I agree the issue is mine and the weird part about all this is I didn't realize how anxious i was until this all came to light, In one respect this happening has been great i feel like it forced me to open back up and start socializing again, I had moved to the US from another country where i had a large Network of friends and then spent a couple of years in my Wife's home state before we were forced to move to another State for work as we both were laid off at the same time and had a new born, I have never really had a chance or given myself a chance to make any close friends or have any form of social life and something always held me back I don't know what that was but its gone and I have already become more like my old self again which feels great.

My wife always 'forced' me to get out with her and other couples and to meet new people but I was just not open to it in the past for some reason.

It is a weird feeling to wake up one day and realize you have been hiding yourself in a bubble with no real explanation or reasoning.
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