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post #46 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Absolutely. But "unhappy" is really a very different animal from "leaving". The latter takes a lot more. I have also issued many threats during arguments, many times. I would never think of carrying them out (don't tell my wife).

Does a "walk- away-wife" mean there is never somebody else? Or does it also encompass situation where husbands don't know that there is somebody else.
I read threads where husbands have been checked out of marriages for years, addicted to porn, don't have sex with their wives are rude and abusive, where the wives actually have evidence that husband is cheating. A lot of them still don't leave! Of course every one is different and will react differently to any situation. Stress at work? I don't know. I do hope this is not the case.

Anyway, it's up to the OP to do his due diligence and mend things, where necessary. How old are the children?
Children are 5 and 8.

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post #47 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Is committed MC(marriage counseling) out of the question for the two of you?
Working on it she is not sold yet that she wants to and thinks i should see a Counselor and work on myself.
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post #48 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:38 PM
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Working on it she is not sold yet that she wants to and thinks i should see a Counselor and work on myself.
But I'm taking it that she feels that any MC or IC "work" doesn't really apply to her?

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post #49 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Is committed MC(marriage counseling) out of the question for the two of you?
I cannot get to page 4??? do i need to change my profile to view more pages?
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post #50 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I cannot get to page 4??? do i need to change my profile to view more pages?
Figured It out had to use a different browser firefox wasn't working.
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post #51 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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But I'm taking it that she feels that any MC or IC "work" doesn't really apply to her?
She did one session but said her heart wasn't in it at the moment.
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post #52 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:57 PM
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I cannot get to page 4??? do i need to change my profile to view more pages?
Beats the hell out of me! I'm having no problem getting over there!

Maybe one of our astute moderators can help out!

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post #53 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

I just want to tell everyone who took the time today on my post if I didn't already respond THANKS.
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post #54 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 05:20 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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And I very much hope that there isn't anyone else. If you do spend a bit of time reading some threads on "Coping with Infidelity" board, you will quickly see that the most unbelievable things tend to happen more often than people realise, and it's usually typical when someone is caught completely off-guard.
Again: I am not saying any of this applies to you. Just better be safe.

If it's all clear then I would try as best as I can to establish through conversations with your wife what it would take, to get another chance with her.

To be honest, I do feel it is rather more unbelievable that someone will throw away years of life together (with kids and everything) because they felt neglected (for how long?) during a very stressful time in a job. There must be more to the story.
I don't like to speculate (because this will invite hostile responses) but for someone who stays at home all day long, it is not unusual to develop an emotional bond with someone else (especially if you weren't available).

I made a mistake once trying to help a friend a while ago (who had very similar issues actually) advising him on every possible way how to try and mend things with his wife and win her over again. What I didn't know (nor did he) that his wife was already way past "checked out" and sleeping with another person for quite some time. It explained why counselling did absolutely nothing. Until you are absolutely sure, I would be cautious in how to proceed.
This is a fair observation, but I'm guessing it was more of a snowball/spiral effect. The neglect from the work stress was the first domino to fall that triggered a longer pattern of both people pulling away, each in response to the other.

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post #55 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

The best spouse is a type of - virtual mirror. They help you see yourself more fully.

This is such a gift. Such a precious thing.



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I agree the issue is mine and the weird part about all this is I didn't realize how anxious i was until this all came to light, In one respect this happening has been great i feel like it forced me to open back up and start socializing again, I had moved to the US from another country where i had a large Network of friends and then spent a couple of years in my Wife's home state before we were forced to move to another State for work as we both were laid off at the same time and had a new born, I have never really had a chance or given myself a chance to make any close friends or have any form of social life and something always held me back I don't know what that was but its gone and I have already become more like my old self again which feels great.

My wife always 'forced' me to get out with her and other couples and to meet new people but I was just not open to it in the past for some reason.

It is a weird feeling to wake up one day and realize you have been hiding yourself in a bubble with no real explanation or reasoning.


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post #56 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Hi I was hoping for advice from woman who have been in my Wives shoes or Husbands who have made the same mistakes I have.

We have been Married for 12 years and had a lot of great times, two beautiful children and a ton of fun, somewhere over the last 2 years things started to deteriorate, looking back I closed my self off from people, went through a rough patch at work and was going through the motions in life, instead of leaning on her tried to handle it all myself and ended up making her feel rejected and unloved, she tried to tell me she was feeling like this but in my haze I didn't see or hear.

Deep down I felt something not quite right but didn't know what or how to resolve it. Looking back I can see all this now and understand where I ****ed up but it took her telling me she wanted a divorce for me to realize this, I felt completely blindsided at first and I know that's my own fault.

I want so badly to undo the bad feelings I have left her with and to be the husband she deserves and I really feel like I can do that but not sure if it is too late?

She told me she is not sure if she can open back up to me again because she tried for so long and got so hurt she detached herself from me, she still loves me but is not in love with me currently.

If anyone has experienced this and got through it please help with any input.
Everyone here is awfully optimistic about your chances of success, which yes, is a nice thought, and some have succeeded. I am here from the other side, in that I WAS your wife...and I was DONE. After years of being ignored, treated as less than, etc...I was DONE and there wasnt a damn thing he could have done to make me stay or change my mind. I lost a lot of what respect I had left for him when, after I said I was leaving, he got clingy and overbearing... that made me run even faster, and I had already had my arrangements made.

Not trying to be a downer, but giving you the reality of another viewpoint.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #57 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Everyone here is awfully optimistic about your chances of success, which yes, is a nice thought, and some have succeeded. I am here from the other side, in that I WAS your wife...and I was DONE. After years of being ignored, treated as less than, etc...I was DONE and there wasnt a damn thing he could have done to make me stay or change my mind. I lost a lot of what respect I had left for him when, after I said I was leaving, he got clingy and overbearing... that made me run even faster, and I had already had my arrangements made.



Not trying to be a downer, but giving you the reality of another viewpoint.


You did that after 2 years of your h being focused on work?


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post #58 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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You did that after 2 years of your h being focused on work?


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Sorry for causing confusion, I was not ACTUALLY his wife... I meant that I was in the same place/frame of mind as his wife.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #59 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:19 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Sorry for causing confusion, I was not ACTUALLY his wife... I meant that I was in the same place/frame of mind as his wife.


No, I get that. But I'm kind of shocked that anyone would bail that quickly without intervention of some sort. I've got 35 years dating and marriage with LOML (love of my life) and I can say, without equivocation, that good and bad are our lives and a partner supports you through that. That's all. But if it's not really good when it's good then maybe the bad is that much worse? Idk - no way to tell what OP's W went through


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post #60 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Everyone here is awfully optimistic about your chances of success, which yes, is a nice thought, and some have succeeded. I am here from the other side, in that I WAS your wife...and I was DONE. After years of being ignored, treated as less than, etc...I was DONE and there wasnt a damn thing he could have done to make me stay or change my mind. I lost a lot of what respect I had left for him when, after I said I was leaving, he got clingy and overbearing... that made me run even faster, and I had already had my arrangements made.



Not trying to be a downer, but giving you the reality of another viewpoint.


What sorts of arrangements? What exactly did your husband do?


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