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post #61 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 01:22 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

You need to read @DayOne story. The only thread I know of on this board that saved his marriage with a walk away wife Day One...

As others point out, do not look to her, she has already outlined most of the issues. Look to yourself and use independent actions addressing these issues. Look how long Dayone went not talking with his wife. How many times he had to keep guessing. Look at how much distance she demanded.

To start create the family life she wanted. Become the active father. Become the thoughtful guy in ways that involve the entire family. Do you make breakfast? How about making Sunday brunch with the kids? Let her read a book until the meal is ready.

Posted ideas on random acts of kindness. Don't ask her for ideas and don't ask for validation afterwards. I.e, did you like ....? If she acts resentful just shrug and say I understand but don't read anything into it, I don't. I didn't do it for you, or us, I did it for myself because I feit good doing it ! Do the samethimg with your kids.

Keep going to MC!! Post their advise here at first because their are a lot of idots.


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #62 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 02:33 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

CMB82,

Very important question: what type of sales (not what but type) are in.

For example hard sell one and done like car, or regular competitive bid periodically which is really one and done.

Or long term regular interaction which invovles providing goods or services and require integration into multiple aspects of a business? For example legal services. Yes it involves sales. New manufacturing process, legal issues, insurance issues etc. All of which the attorney provides a sold service for. New regulations or court rulings involving personal. The attorney provides pre-sold service to advise ownership, HR dept and department heads on how to implement. While the term used for payment is fees truth is they are commission.

The answer is important because each type of sales require a different skill set. The skill set you have will bleed over into your personal relationships. One will get you though the door quickly and often, and get you out of trouble till it does not (walk away wife). The other first and foremost keeps on the room and out of trouble.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #63 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 02:59 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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What sorts of arrangements? What exactly did your husband do?


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I had already paid retainer to an attorney and had a place rented. Are you asking what he did that made me want to divorce in the first place?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #64 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 03:01 AM
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Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I had already paid retainer to an attorney and had a place rented. Are you asking what he did that made me want to divorce in the first place?


Yes. I'm curious what makes women leave all of a sudden.


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post #65 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 03:07 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

And also, did you have somebody else or did you stay alone after you left?


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post #66 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 03:27 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Yes. I'm curious what makes women leave all of a sudden.


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I didnt leave all of a sudden.

He ignored me. He never treated me like a partner, or an important part of his life... I was barely an afterthought. There was no affection from him. He was very selfish and self absorbed. He was anti social, never wanted to go out and do anything, or spend time with other people, not even his own family. I went to most of my family's functions alone. He had a tendency to drink too much, by himself. He had anger issues. (he shoved me down one time, over a chair) He had depression that he would not address. He brought home his work problems, and would complain and b!tch constantly about it. He stopped caring about his appearance, and would come to bed in his dirty work clothes, and drunk at least twice a week. We had a baby daughter, and he barely had anything to do with her, I was raising her basically by myself.

I decided I was never having sex with him again, and I didnt... we hadnt been intimate for two years when I left. I couldnt do it, he disgusted me. Sex was never any fun, he was clear that it was something I was expected to and obligated to provide, and would get very angry when I would turn it down. Add to that ZERO affection shown to me otherwise, the drunkeness, and the grossness of him being dirty from work....ugh. I think at that time, it didnt occur to me that my marriage was over, stupid as that may sound.

I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling and he would not go, would tell me that things "arent that bad", and that I was the one with the problem. Well, when one partner thinks things ARE that bad, then they ARE. He didnt care that I wasnt happy, he made that very clear. My concerns and feelings were completely dismissed, and I basically just existed in the house with him.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #67 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 04:28 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I didnt leave all of a sudden.

He ignored me. He never treated me like a partner, or an important part of his life... I was barely an afterthought. There was no affection from him. He was very selfish and self absorbed. He was anti social, never wanted to go out and do anything, or spend time with other people, not even his own family. I went to most of my family's functions alone. He had a tendency to drink too much, by himself. He had anger issues. (he shoved me down one time, over a chair) He had depression that he would not address. He brought home his work problems, and would complain and b!tch constantly about it. He stopped caring about his appearance, and would come to bed in his dirty work clothes, and drunk at least twice a week. We had a baby daughter, and he barely had anything to do with her, I was raising her basically by myself.

I decided I was never having sex with him again, and I didnt... we hadnt been intimate for two years when I left. I couldnt do it, he disgusted me. Sex was never any fun, he was clear that it was something I was expected to and obligated to provide, and would get very angry when I would turn it down. Add to that ZERO affection shown to me otherwise, the drunkeness, and the grossness of him being dirty from work....ugh. I think at that time, it didnt occur to me that my marriage was over, stupid as that may sound.

I tried to get him to go to marriage counseling and he would not go, would tell me that things "arent that bad", and that I was the one with the problem. Well, when one partner thinks things ARE that bad, then they ARE. He didnt care that I wasnt happy, he made that very clear. My concerns and feelings were completely dismissed, and I basically just existed in the house with him.
That sounds terrible. Seems like he suffers from alcoholism and just didn't give a .... Was it very different in the beginning with him? I find it difficult to understand how people can change so much. OP doesn't strike me as the same type. 99% of men are focused on their work. Women partly expect them to, if they are providing. Sometimes it gets to much and the balance tips but it seems leaving is a bit extreme since it's just due to work. Of course I don't know their situation exactly.

So did you find someone else after your husband or while you were still with him?
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post #68 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 06:32 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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She has not seen a lawyer as she doesn't want to use one as she thinks we can be civil enough to work it out ourselves, but has got contact info for a mediator and worked out a custody plan and child/spousal support, she has told her Mom and some friends also. We still share a bed and she has not asked me to move out yet but I pay all the bills.
She is a good person and told me she doesn't want to break my heart but is not sure she can be in love with me again and just wants to be happy even if that is alone.
It's all fine and well that she's done and wants to move on, but her ass needs to get out and get a J.O.B.

Does she just expect you to support her her whole entire life? Good Christ.
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post #69 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 06:40 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Yes. I'm curious what makes women leave all of a sudden.
I have to laugh every time I hear a man say this.

Women just don't usually up and leave "all of a sudden." It's not like they get up on a Tuesday morning and decide they've had it. More times than not, they've been trying to tell their husbands what's wrong and for a lot of these guys, they blow it off or consider it nagging or consider it feminine drama or just want the 'talking/nagging' to stop.

Finally, when the wife is fed up because she can't resolve the issues, she files for divorce and inevitably, the guy is asking WHY she's leaving him 'all of a sudden..'

The OP is yet another of these guys who IGNORED his wife's requests again and again and again to try to mend what was broken. Surprise, surprise - she now wants a divorce.

Happens all the time.
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post #70 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Yes he did but the question is what now and what going forward. We only know what we he posts. What he posts is a daily, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, decade long fatigue with flash of joy that at a point in time never include him. Two people, one space in complete isolation.

Hence my question about what type of sales. Each requires a different interpersonal skill set.

What stands out about DayOne's thread is his grim determination. How he kept postings and engaging posters in trying to discover how to be a better husband. How his wife finally engaged with him and after time began to learn how to engage with him. Learn to engage with him when the marriage began to renew. She began to learn his language and how to use it as he did her's.


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #71 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Just to be on the safe side you'd better check your phone bill. Go online. Takes about 15 minutes
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post #72 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Hi I was hoping for advice from woman who have been in my Wives shoes or Husbands who have made the same mistakes I have.

We have been Married for 12 years and had a lot of great times, two beautiful children and a ton of fun, somewhere over the last 2 years things started to deteriorate, looking back I closed my self off from people, went through a rough patch at work and was going through the motions in life, instead of leaning on her tried to handle it all myself and ended up making her feel rejected and unloved, she tried to tell me she was feeling like this but in my haze I didn't see or hear.

Deep down I felt something not quite right but didn't know what or how to resolve it. Looking back I can see all this now and understand where I ****ed up but it took her telling me she wanted a divorce for me to realize this, I felt completely blindsided at first and I know that's my own fault.

I want so badly to undo the bad feelings I have left her with and to be the husband she deserves and I really feel like I can do that but not sure if it is too late?

She told me she is not sure if she can open back up to me again because she tried for so long and got so hurt she detached herself from me, she still loves me but is not in love with me currently.

If anyone has experienced this and got through it please help with any input.
Find out who the boyfriend is.

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post #73 of 149 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I have to laugh every time I hear a man say this.

Women just don't usually up and leave "all of a sudden." It's not like they get up on a Tuesday morning and decide they've had it. More times than not, they've been trying to tell their husbands what's wrong and for a lot of these guys, they blow it off or consider it nagging or consider it feminine drama or just want the 'talking/nagging' to stop.

Finally, when the wife is fed up because she can't resolve the issues, she files for divorce and inevitably, the guy is asking WHY she's leaving him 'all of a sudden..'

The OP is yet another of these guys who IGNORED his wife's requests again and again and again to try to mend what was broken. Surprise, surprise - she now wants a divorce.

Happens all the time.
That's not how I meant it. I am sure there is a build up over time but the suffering spouse doesn't just get up and leave, they usually find someone else first (an "escape" partner) to help them get out of a hopeless situation. That's what I observed often happening. They don't just leave into the dark unknown and women seem to tolerate a lot of pain until they have an escape "plan" with regards to themselves and the children (if any). I am sure you also read here many times things like "leaving now would be out of the question because of <insert practical reason such as finances, children, job security, insurance etc>". Women are also rational beings. My point is, what is the threshold until things start getting into motion and when they become irreversible. I would have thought, that they are still reversible as long as there is no other partner, because it's a very difficult decision to go through alone.
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post #74 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Looks like it is over, she is filing for Divorce and has a Mediator booked. She said she loves me but is not in Love and feels like she should have stronger feelings for a husband and she can't see herself being happy with me again as too much has happened.

We are putting house on Market next week but will continue to be living together until it sells.

Not sure what I should be doing anymore feeling very lost.
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post #75 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Focus on yourself and detach. Also you should probably do a consult with an attorney just to be sure what your rights are, before you go to the mediator.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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