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post #76 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Focus on yourself and detach. Also you should probably do a consult with an attorney just to be sure what your rights are, before you go to the mediator.
How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.

Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.

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post #77 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 12:49 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I have to laugh every time I hear a man say this.

Women just don't usually up and leave "all of a sudden." It's not like they get up on a Tuesday morning and decide they've had it. More times than not, they've been trying to tell their husbands what's wrong and for a lot of these guys, they blow it off or consider it nagging or consider it feminine drama or just want the 'talking/nagging' to stop.

Finally, when the wife is fed up because she can't resolve the issues, she files for divorce and inevitably, the guy is asking WHY she's leaving him 'all of a sudden..'

The OP is yet another of these guys who IGNORED his wife's requests again and again and again to try to mend what was broken. Surprise, surprise - she now wants a divorce.

Happens all the time.
And I have to laugh every time I read this kind of crap. So yeah, maybe she did try to tell him and he didn't get it. But maybe it was because the woman wasn't entirely clear or maybe because she turned around an undermined her message by her actions? Or maybe it was just that the woman had already "solved" the problem amongst her BFFs and woe to the stupid guy who was identified as the problem? It just cracks me up every time I read this BS from women, it was never their fault, it is always the stupid guy that didn't get it. "It happens all the time" yet we are constantly told that women are the keepers of the relationship and the better communicators?
I just wish for once some woman would just admit the truth - they fell out of love and wanted out. Instead we get this kind of excuse making about how the man just didn't get it.

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post #78 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:26 PM
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Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.



Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.


This is so strange, it's spooky. Why would she act all nice if she is supposedly hurt from you ignoring her? Something doesn't seem right. The last paragraph shows that she feels guilty about something. Have you asked her the question?


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post #79 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

I agree with @3Xnocharm. If she's decided that she's done with the marriage and she's filed, there's not much to be done. Focus on taking care of yourself the best you can, and be sure to consult your own lawyer before meeting with the mediator.

I forget, are you in IC? If now, now would be a good time for that.

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post #80 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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And I have to laugh every time I read this kind of crap. So yeah, maybe she did try to tell him and he didn't get it. But maybe it was because the woman wasn't entirely clear or maybe because she turned around an undermined her message by her actions? Or maybe it was just that the woman had already "solved" the problem amongst her BFFs and woe to the stupid guy who was identified as the problem? It just cracks me up every time I read this BS from women, it was never their fault, it is always the stupid guy that didn't get it. "It happens all the time" yet we are constantly told that women are the keepers of the relationship and the better communicators?
I just wish for once some woman would just admit the truth - they fell out of love and wanted out. Instead we get this kind of excuse making about how the man just didn't get it.
If we fall out of love, it's because the man DIDN'T LISTEN and was neglecting our needs. It's not crap. Please stop trying to dismiss the real experiences of many, many women.

It's too long ago for me to remember the details any more, but when I went into MC with my XH, I had a list of specific examples of times when I told him that I was unhappy and that we had problems, in which he placated me, rugswept, and dismissed my feelings of having any validity. After a while, I couldn't take the emotional rejection and abandonment, and I just gave up. I stopped voicing these things because they weren't being heard, and that is when I fell out of love with my XH. Because he didn't listen and neglected my needs.

Love is an ACTION, not just a feeling. People don't just randomly fall out of love, the same way people don't just randomly fall IN love. People fall in/out of love for specific reasons, and it is because the other person is either meeting their needs, or is not.

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post #81 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.

Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.
Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.

This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #82 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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This is so strange, it's spooky. Why would she act all nice if she is supposedly hurt from you ignoring her? Something doesn't seem right. The last paragraph shows that she feels guilty about something. Have you asked her the question?


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I have asked many times and she told me no every time.

She told me she is devastated and cant believe this happened to us and she never thought this would happen, I am just torn on what to do or think.
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post #83 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
If we fall out of love, it's because the man DIDN'T LISTEN and was neglecting our needs. It's not crap. Please stop trying to dismiss the real experiences of many, many women.

It's too long ago for me to remember the details any more, but when I went into MC with my XH, I had a list of specific examples of times when I told him that I was unhappy and that we had problems, in which he placated me, rugswept, and dismissed my feelings of having any validity. After a while, I couldn't take the emotional rejection and abandonment, and I just gave up. I stopped voicing these things because they weren't being heard, and that is when I fell out of love with my XH. Because he didn't listen and neglected my needs.

Love is an ACTION, not just a feeling. People don't just randomly fall out of love, the same way people don't just randomly fall IN love. People fall in/out of love for specific reasons, and it is because the other person is either meeting their needs, or is not.
Oh please! You fell out of love so it was some dumb man's fault? You fell out of love because there were other issues, issues that went far beyond some dipstick NOT listening! So I would ask you, along with every other woman, spewing this crap to please stop dismissing the real experiences of many, many men. Here is a fact - men and women communicate differently. We often don't comprehend what the other sex is saying because most of us don't understand that simple fact. I would venture to guess that most successful relationships are predicated on the effort of both sides to learn to communicate with each other. But "telling" some one something is far different than "communicating" something in a manner that is understood. Because here is another fact - it "wouldn't happen all the time" were this not the case.

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post #84 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I agree with @3Xnocharm. If she's decided that she's done with the marriage and she's filed, there's not much to be done. Focus on taking care of yourself the best you can, and be sure to consult your own lawyer before meeting with the mediator.

I forget, are you in IC? If now, now would be a good time for that.
Yes I am in IC if I wasn't I don't think I would be able to stay sane.
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post #85 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.

This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.
I understand, sounds really pathetic but I felt like I needed her also, this is honestly the worst time of my life and I am really struggling to accept it is over.

I will move to spare room tonight and move some clothes up there to give her space, I just don't know how I am supposed to be around her, we still have lots of joint family duties together with the kids so not sure how that is going to work

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post #86 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
I have asked many times and she told me no every time.



She told me she is devastated and cant believe this happened to us and she never thought this would happen, I am just torn on what to do or think.


Interesting. Does she have an explanation Why 'this happened to us'? I know you offered an explanation but what is her version of the events?
'Falling out of love' i know is possible of course but very difficult to comprehend. One begins to doubt how sound the foundations of any relationship are in the first place when something like this can hit one pretty much out of nowhere.
Im very sorry.


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post #87 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
How do you detach? I wanted to move out but read it can be classed as abandonment, lose me child privileges and also end up costing me more showing I am willing to support 2 households.

Weird she is being super nice, gave me a massage last night, slept in same bed, she hugged me all night told me I am so special to her and we both made mistakes etc and we will always be part of each others lives. Its hard when I still want it to work and Clinging on to some hope.
Well this kind of crap needs to stop NOW. Stop sharing a bedroom for starters! You stop talking with her about anything not related to the divorce, sale of the house, or kids. Start treating her like a business associate, be cordial, but not personal. There is a link to the 180 on the site somewhere, I will see if I can find it and post it here for you. You are allowing her WAAAYYY too much leash...keep in mind at all times that she has chosen to divorce you. She is trying to keep up appearance so she doesnt look like the b!tch, and to keep you on the line in case she needs to use you for something or a new boyfriend doesnt work out. Dont allow her to do that.

EDIT... This didnt post when I thought it did, I see FIP already linked The 180. Read it, live it.

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post #88 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.

This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.
QFT.

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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #89 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Well, if she's decided that she's going to file for divorce, move out of the bedroom. If she doesn't WANT you, she doesn't get to HAVE you. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180. If she wants a divorce, show her what that really means. Don't let on that you are clinging to hope. Show her that you have accepted that she wants out of the marriage, and that you are ready to move on. Move out of the bedroom, and do the 180.

This is for YOU and your kids. Do this, focus on you.
Thanks for posting the link to the 180
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post #90 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Thanks for posting the link to the 180
You're welcome. Good luck.

Listen, I have always lived by the following: why would I want someone who doesn't want me?

Trying to make it work with someone who has decided they don't want it, well that never works and it just hurts you more. Focus on taking care of you, and being strong for you and your kids, and know that you will be ok on the other side, no matter what happens.

You said you don't know how to avoid her, since you have kids and whatnot. Divide parenting duties, if you can, so you don't have to be in the same room together. And if you're in the same room, engage with the kids, not her. If she speaks to you, give her the bare minimum of an answer, and return your attention to the kids. Don't be hostile, keep it positive in front of the kids. And tell her that what happened last night isn't going to happen. She wants a divorce, tell her she can have it, and as far as you're concerned, that begins today.

You might want to google "in house separation" for more ideas/tips.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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