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post #106 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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have you asked her what she wants? have you asked her is there someone else ?
and have you asked her what you want?
Yes I asked what she wants and she told me to 'just to be happy', she told me she see's me as a best friend but there is no romantic feelings and she wishes there was but she cant make herself feel something. I asked if someone else on a few occasions and she has told me no every time but I am not 100% certain on that part and cant prove otherwise.

I was speaking with counselor last night and something I had not thought about since I was so devastated when it came out was all this happened when I first asked her if she was seeing someone else, then she told me all the stuff about how she was unhappy but there is no one else but she doesn't want to be with me anymore as we don't make each other happy etc. etc. The counselor told me its doesn't necessarily mean anything and it could have just felt like that was a good time to break the news she had been holding in.

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post #107 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

CMB, I was in your shoes. It sucks! But you need to do what is best for you. One way to do that is to start thinking about you, instead of her. I noticed you said you were moving to the spare room to give her space. Don't move to the spare room to give her space, move to the spare room to give YOU space. There are a boat load of other things I noticed in your posts, but one other thing I would suggest is to do the 180 for YOU, not to try to save your marriage or to reconnect with your wife. Do it for YOU. Find hobbies that interest you, activities you enjoy, make new friends find yourself. But do all of these things for YOU not for her.
In the immediate aftermath of my divorce I did lots of things. First for her, then to show her I was a "new" me, then to prove to her that I was desirable. I continued acting in ways that were largely motivated by her for many months. Even dating and having sex with other women were activities I did "to show her!" It has only been recently that I have begun to act for myself and in my interests. So whatever you do going forward, try to do so for YOU and nobody else.

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post #108 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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CMB, I was in your shoes. It sucks! But you need to do what is best for you. One way to do that is to start thinking about you, instead of her. I noticed you said you were moving to the spare room to give her space. Don't move to the spare room to give her space, move to the spare room to give YOU space. There are a boat load of other things I noticed in your posts, but one other thing I would suggest is to do the 180 for YOU, not to try to save your marriage or to reconnect with your wife. Do it for YOU. Find hobbies that interest you, activities you enjoy, make new friends find yourself. But do all of these things for YOU not for her.
In the immediate aftermath of my divorce I did lots of things. First for her, then to show her I was a "new" me, then to prove to her that I was desirable. I continued acting in ways that were largely motivated by her for many months. Even dating and having sex with other women were activities I did "to show her!" It has only been recently that I have begun to act for myself and in my interests. So whatever you do going forward, try to do so for YOU and nobody else.
You make so much sense its its just so hard to think about moving on when I really don't want to. I have some days or parts of days when I am set that I accept it and am moving on and try and be positive about all new changes I can make but then I have times when I can't accept it and fall apart again, I still have really strong feelings for her so its hard to switch off.

She asked me to come back in the bedroom again last night but I told her I would prefer not to and slept in the spare room again(even though I would have loved to)

Did you ever get back with your wife and were children involved? That all terrifies me never lived apart from my children and don't know how they will handle it.
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post #109 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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She asked me to come back in the bedroom again last night but I told her I would prefer not to and slept in the spare room again(even though I would have loved to)
You did good! Keep this up. She is only trying to manipulate you, so keep that in mind so you protect yourself.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #110 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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You make so much sense its its just so hard to think about moving on when I really don't want to. I have some days or parts of days when I am set that I accept it and am moving on and try and be positive about all new changes I can make but then I have times when I can't accept it and fall apart again, I still have really strong feelings for her so its hard to switch off.

She asked me to come back in the bedroom again last night but I told her I would prefer not to and slept in the spare room again(even though I would have loved to)

Did you ever get back with your wife and were children involved? That all terrifies me never lived apart from my children and don't know how they will handle it.
Her wanting you to come back to the bedroom is just weird, especially if she is the one who wants divorce. It is either an attempt to maintain her image or an attempt to maintain control over you. My ex did not do this, although she did engage in other behavior to keep up the appearances and/or remain in control. In many cases it worked. In regards to her image, I have no control over that, ultimately those who know her will realize who she is regardless of how she may try to "message" them. In regards to having control over me, I had to fight that demon myself. Because in the end, it was me ceding control over my happiness to her. She knew this and made the effort to continue this, as she knew what buttons to push to get me to act in certain ways.

I mentioned in another thread that my ex staged events to make it all appear as though everything was my fault. In retrospect this was yet another effort on her part to manage her image and to remain in control.

My children were grown and our youngest had just graduated and moved away when my ex left. I felt as though I was being abandoned as my job (providing) was done, my services were no longer required and I was no longer needed. I had paid all the bills, maintained the house, had taken on much of the housekeeping, laundry, cooking etc. I had struggled to pay my daughters college tuition and often did without so my family (and my ex) could have more. In the meantime, she splurged on spending. She shopped, went on girl's weekends, took a couple of cruises with her "Girlies", blew through a savings account we had set up for our daughters wedding. So my sense of betrayal and desertion was pretty strong.

My reaction was to finish blowing up my world. I closed my business, I sold our house, I gave up my friends and all of my day to day life by moving 125 miles away (but closer to my daughter), I moved into an apartment, took a corporate job and sank into depression. It took a while, but eventually I began to fashion a new life for myself. At first I tried to hold on to some of the old. Eventually I realized I had all the opportunities I could have ever wanted right in front me. And now, for the first time ever I had the freedom to pursue them. Not only the opportunity but the experience to truly profit from them. Now, you have the same. Take some time, it won't happen over night. Be patient. Be forgiving of your self. Learn from whatever mistakes you may have made. Become not a better version of who you were, but live up to the potential of what you always knew you could be if only (name your excuse here).

You will fail. Mistakes will be made. But this is not failure. This is a lesson. Take those lessons and become even stronger because of them. Don't worry about thinking about your past. I still do it all the time. In fact today is my ex's birthday, I wonder what she is up to. I think about what I would have been doing for her. This is natural. But I also know, it doesn't matter. Today, I am doing things I would not have been able to do had I still been married. Tonight, I am going to have a new sexual experience, that I would not have been having had I remained married. Tomorrow, I plan to do nothing - because that is what I want to do, not because I don't have anything to do. That is something I would not have been able to do had I still been married.

One of the things you will discover is that far from being apart from your children you will have the opportunity to develop a stronger relationship with them. For the first time ever, you will be able to relate to them as YOU, instead of as part of "us" or "we". You will be able to develop interests with them apart from any input or influence "she" may want to impose.

Be strong.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #111 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Her wanting you to come back to the bedroom is just weird, especially if she is the one who wants divorce. It is either an attempt to maintain her image or an attempt to maintain control over you. My ex did not do this, although she did engage in other behavior to keep up the appearances and/or remain in control. In many cases it worked. In regards to her image, I have no control over that, ultimately those who know her will realize who she is regardless of how she may try to "message" them. In regards to having control over me, I had to fight that demon myself. Because in the end, it was me ceding control over my happiness to her. She knew this and made the effort to continue this, as she knew what buttons to push to get me to act in certain ways.

I mentioned in another thread that my ex staged events to make it all appear as though everything was my fault. In retrospect this was yet another effort on her part to manage her image and to remain in control.

My children were grown and our youngest had just graduated and moved away when my ex left. I felt as though I was being abandoned as my job (providing) was done, my services were no longer required and I was no longer needed. I had paid all the bills, maintained the house, had taken on much of the housekeeping, laundry, cooking etc. I had struggled to pay my daughters college tuition and often did without so my family (and my ex) could have more. In the meantime, she splurged on spending. She shopped, went on girl's weekends, took a couple of cruises with her "Girlies", blew through a savings account we had set up for our daughters wedding. So my sense of betrayal and desertion was pretty strong.

My reaction was to finish blowing up my world. I closed my business, I sold our house, I gave up my friends and all of my day to day life by moving 125 miles away (but closer to my daughter), I moved into an apartment, took a corporate job and sank into depression. It took a while, but eventually I began to fashion a new life for myself. At first I tried to hold on to some of the old. Eventually I realized I had all the opportunities I could have ever wanted right in front me. And now, for the first time ever I had the freedom to pursue them. Not only the opportunity but the experience to truly profit from them. Now, you have the same. Take some time, it won't happen over night. Be patient. Be forgiving of your self. Learn from whatever mistakes you may have made. Become not a better version of who you were, but live up to the potential of what you always knew you could be if only (name your excuse here).

You will fail. Mistakes will be made. But this is not failure. This is a lesson. Take those lessons and become even stronger because of them. Don't worry about thinking about your past. I still do it all the time. In fact today is my ex's birthday, I wonder what she is up to. I think about what I would have been doing for her. This is natural. But I also know, it doesn't matter. Today, I am doing things I would not have been able to do had I still been married. Tonight, I am going to have a new sexual experience, that I would not have been having had I remained married. Tomorrow, I plan to do nothing - because that is what I want to do, not because I don't have anything to do. That is something I would not have been able to do had I still been married.

One of the things you will discover is that far from being apart from your children you will have the opportunity to develop a stronger relationship with them. For the first time ever, you will be able to relate to them as YOU, instead of as part of "us" or "we". You will be able to develop interests with them apart from any input or influence "she" may want to impose.

Be strong.
I really am thankful for your advice and encouragement I hope I can get to the stage you are at swiftly, the initial entire world and life plan crashing down is a huge hit to take and good to know people like yourself have made it out the other side and came back up happier.

I'm sure I will continue to have ups and downs for a while but will take one day at a time and continue improving and rediscovering myself. I keep having to come back here for reassurance to keep on the right track sad to say but spending the last few years neglecting social life and interests leaves very little support network outside the 'family' which no longer exists so making a new social circle is #1 priority.
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post #112 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I really am thankful for your advice and encouragement I hope I can get to the stage you are at swiftly, the initial entire world and life plan crashing down is a huge hit to take and good to know people like yourself have made it out the other side and came back up happier.

I'm sure I will continue to have ups and downs for a while but will take one day at a time and continue improving and rediscovering myself. I keep having to come back here for reassurance to keep on the right track sad to say but spending the last few years neglecting social life and interests leaves very little support network outside the 'family' which no longer exists so making a new social circle is #1 priority.
Don't worry about how quickly you get there, just focus on one day at a time. Everyone is different and has their own timeline. And it's not a linear progression. It's more like this:


The social circle part can be difficult. I did a lot of Meetups and such to meet new people, and joined some activities. I found some really good friends there, and then I became friends with their friends... now, I'm overwhelmed at times by the number of people who love and care for me.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #113 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Don't worry about how quickly you get there, just focus on one day at a time. Everyone is different and has their own timeline. And it's not a linear progression. It's more like this:


The social circle part can be difficult. I did a lot of Meetups and such to meet new people, and joined some activities. I found some really good friends there, and then I became friends with their friends... now, I'm overwhelmed at times by the number of people who love and care for me.
Isn't that the truth LOL.

That's great news on the vast social circle that's a 'problem' I had 10+ years ago and a 'problem' I hope to have again.

I did find a local group called Events and Adventures but you have to already be divorced to become a member since it is a singles focused group but it is just a group of people looking to meet new friends and do all kinds of social activities which looks like a lot of fun. For time being I should probably look to stop working out at gym alone and start cross fit or some other more social avenue of working out with people.

I will probably keep posting on him from time to time to update as I have read back through other peoples posts and it helps a lot to see how far people have come and how they dealt with there challenges, maybe someone can learn something from this post eventually and either fix something before too long or be able to move on a little easier, we shall see.
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post #114 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I really am thankful for your advice and encouragement I hope I can get to the stage you are at swiftly, the initial entire world and life plan crashing down is a huge hit to take and good to know people like yourself have made it out the other side and came back up happier.

I'm sure I will continue to have ups and downs for a while but will take one day at a time and continue improving and rediscovering myself. I keep having to come back here for reassurance to keep on the right track sad to say but spending the last few years neglecting social life and interests leaves very little support network outside the 'family' which no longer exists so making a new social circle is #1 priority.
FIP said it very well. Don't focus on how quickly it will happen, just focus on making it happen! Ups and downs are just a part of it, just remember 2 steps forward, 1 step back! As long as you stay on that course you will keep moving forward.

Also in regards to Meetup, I would suggest NOT joining a singles focused group. While you may think it is a good idea I would avoid them at first. Those kind of groups tend to attract some needy singles looking for a quick solution to their problem(s). There tends to be some pressure to meet someone. Instead just join a few groups with activities you are interested in. There will still be plenty of single people there but the focus will be on the activity and not on meeting some one. If you do meet some one there you will already have a shared connection and the meeting will be more organic than if you are actively looking for a relationship.

Finally stop making excuses. So what if that group requires you to be single first - find a few that doesn't - NOW!

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post #115 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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FIP said it very well. Don't focus on how quickly it will happen, just focus on making it happen! Ups and downs are just a part of it, just remember 2 steps forward, 1 step back! As long as you stay on that course you will keep moving forward.

Also in regards to Meetup, I would suggest NOT joining a singles focused group. While you may think it is a good idea I would avoid them at first. Those kind of groups tend to attract some needy singles looking for a quick solution to their problem(s). There tends to be some pressure to meet someone. Instead just join a few groups with activities you are interested in. There will still be plenty of single people there but the focus will be on the activity and not on meeting some one. If you do meet some one there you will already have a shared connection and the meeting will be more organic than if you are actively looking for a relationship.

Finally stop making excuses. So what if that group requires you to be single first - find a few that doesn't - NOW!
Agreed. Meetup doesn't technically allow "singles" groups anymore, but they still exist, they've just changed their nomenclature and keywords to get by under the radar.

I focused on social groups that involved activities that I enjoyed, so I could both nurture my interests and my social life at the same time. It's also good, because you'll meet a wider variety of people at different stages of life, not just other singles.


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post #116 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

So I messed up, I got my confidence back up was feeling pretty good, accepted moving on and getting divorced and was making plans for the future, stopped messaging STBXW and was keeping a distance while avoiding any conflict and remaining civil and then come valentines day I screwed myself, bought her flowers and went back into the bedroom with her, spent a couple days being affectionate together, asked her out on a date for Saturday night which she seemed happy about and arranged sitters for children, we had booked a free consultation for a mediator to discuss the process which we went to yesterday and she was very affectionate the entire time, holding my hand and being her standard touchy feely, she put possibly open to reconciliation on intake form which the mediator exposed accidentally, asked him if we start and decide not to move forward with divorce what happens etc. and has still not served me papers even though the case is showing online so I know she has filed over a week ago, after she filed she told me she has 90 days to withdraw but wanted to submit so we had a time frame to decide what to do and this wasn't anything final yet.

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.

I hit rock bottom again and back to the start of this emotional roller coaster. Didn't really talk much after that as i was trying to hold myself together, she asked if i wanted to discuss which i said no but she ended up talking anyway saying she was sorry and she never wanted this or saw this for us and asked if she could hug me which i told her no, she asked for just one more hug again which I refused(way too painful), she asked if we can try to be friends and i told her i can guarantee i will be civil and that is all which really upset her since I cannot see how we can remain friends in this situation. Got a few texts last night asking if i was coming home(had gone gym late) asked if i wanted to watch a show(we binge watch netflix series) with her which I had to reject, asked if she could come to the counselor with me to discuss Co parenting to which I also had to reject and then asked if we could keep it quiet until we have a plan in place so the kids don't somehow hear about it from someone else and then told me were not bad people were just not right for each other anymore and she doesn't want it to turn ugly.

I should have just kept on track. Anyway just putting this hear so people reading can see what NOT to do.
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post #117 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

I had a feeling this might happen. On the positive side, now you KNOW. Very rotten of her to get your hopes up like that, so selfish.

You cannot be friends, you need to make that clear to her. There will be no movie watching, no dinners, no sex, no ANYTHING together. Only respond to requests regarding your kids or the divorce, and have her email or text only.

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post #118 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I had a feeling this might happen. On the positive side, now you KNOW. Very rotten of her to get your hopes up like that, so selfish.

You cannot be friends, you need to make that clear to her. There will be no movie watching, no dinners, no sex, no ANYTHING together. Only respond to requests regarding your kids or the divorce, and have her email or text only.
I don't know. I might would hit it if offered, and act like she was just another in the long line that your about to embark on, but then again I'm an *******.
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post #119 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I had a feeling this might happen. On the positive side, now you KNOW. Very rotten of her to get your hopes up like that, so selfish.

You cannot be friends, you need to make that clear to her. There will be no movie watching, no dinners, no sex, no ANYTHING together. Only respond to requests regarding your kids or the divorce, and have her email or text only.
Agreed to all of this. BUMP.

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post #120 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I don't know. I might would hit it if offered, and act like she was just another in the long line that your about to embark on, but then again I'm an *******.
Do NOT do this. It will backfire on you, just like your behavior around Valentine's Day. You think it will make you feel a little better to give her a taste of her own medicine, but it won't work out that way.

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