You make so much sense its its just so hard to think about moving on when I really don't want to. I have some days or parts of days when I am set that I accept it and am moving on and try and be positive about all new changes I can make but then I have times when I can't accept it and fall apart again, I still have really strong feelings for her so its hard to switch off.
She asked me to come back in the bedroom again last night but I told her I would prefer not to and slept in the spare room again(even though I would have loved to)
Did you ever get back with your wife and were children involved? That all terrifies me never lived apart from my children and don't know how they will handle it.
Her wanting you to come back to the bedroom is just weird, especially if she is the one who wants divorce. It is either an attempt to maintain her image or an attempt to maintain control over you. My ex did not do this, although she did engage in other behavior to keep up the appearances and/or remain in control. In many cases it worked. In regards to her image, I have no control over that, ultimately those who know her will realize who she is regardless of how she may try to "message" them. In regards to having control over me, I had to fight that demon myself. Because in the end, it was me ceding control over my happiness to her. She knew this and made the effort to continue this, as she knew what buttons to push to get me to act in certain ways.
I mentioned in another thread that my ex staged events to make it all appear as though everything was my fault. In retrospect this was yet another effort on her part to manage her image and to remain in control.
My children were grown and our youngest had just graduated and moved away when my ex left. I felt as though I was being abandoned as my job (providing) was done, my services were no longer required and I was no longer needed. I had paid all the bills, maintained the house, had taken on much of the housekeeping, laundry, cooking etc. I had struggled to pay my daughters college tuition and often did without so my family (and my ex) could have more. In the meantime, she splurged on spending. She shopped, went on girl's weekends, took a couple of cruises with her "Girlies", blew through a savings account we had set up for our daughters wedding. So my sense of betrayal and desertion was pretty strong.
My reaction was to finish blowing up my world. I closed my business, I sold our house, I gave up my friends and all of my day to day life by moving 125 miles away (but closer to my daughter), I moved into an apartment, took a corporate job and sank into depression. It took a while, but eventually I began to fashion a new life for myself. At first I tried to hold on to some of the old. Eventually I realized I had all the opportunities I could have ever wanted right in front me. And now, for the first time ever I had the freedom to pursue them. Not only the opportunity but the experience to truly profit from them. Now, you have the same. Take some time, it won't happen over night. Be patient. Be forgiving of your self. Learn from whatever mistakes you may have made. Become not a better version of who you were, but live up to the potential of what you always knew you could be if only (name your excuse here).
You will fail. Mistakes will be made. But this is not failure. This is a lesson. Take those lessons and become even stronger because of them. Don't worry about thinking about your past. I still do it all the time. In fact today is my ex's birthday, I wonder what she is up to. I think about what I would have been doing for her. This is natural. But I also know, it doesn't matter. Today, I am doing things I would not have been able to do had I still been married. Tonight, I am going to have a new sexual experience, that I would not have been having had I remained married. Tomorrow, I plan to do nothing - because that is what I want to do, not because I don't have anything to do. That is something I would not have been able to do had I still been married.
One of the things you will discover is that far from being apart from your children you will have the opportunity to develop a stronger relationship with them. For the first time ever, you will be able to relate to them as YOU, instead of as part of "us" or "we". You will be able to develop interests with them apart from any input or influence "she" may want to impose.