Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

CMB...i am sorry to hear that, but on positive side this did not get dragged out for weeks, her true self emerged again and now you can move on knowing you tried one last time....that confidence will come back sooner as well as the detachment....she really knows how to burn bridges...

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post #122 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 05:43 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Dude she just wants you to be her gay buddy. Most girls want one


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post #123 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:56 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Did you read any of the books suggested in an earlier post? With her or someone else you need that knowledge or you will repeat this cycle.

As to her friend request be clear with the reason why you cannot. It is not fair to you because she cannot return your love. Friendship involves not asking a person to live in limbo. You love her knowing she does not is destroying you.

Be polite, and always helpful with the children.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #124 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Originally Posted by CMB82 View Post
So I messed up, I got my confidence back up was feeling pretty good, accepted moving on and getting divorced and was making plans for the future, stopped messaging STBXW and was keeping a distance while avoiding any conflict and remaining civil and then come valentines day I screwed myself, bought her flowers and went back into the bedroom with her, spent a couple days being affectionate together, asked her out on a date for Saturday night which she seemed happy about and arranged sitters for children, we had booked a free consultation for a mediator to discuss the process which we went to yesterday and she was very affectionate the entire time, holding my hand and being her standard touchy feely, she put possibly open to reconciliation on intake form which the mediator exposed accidentally, asked him if we start and decide not to move forward with divorce what happens etc. and has still not served me papers even though the case is showing online so I know she has filed over a week ago, after she filed she told me she has 90 days to withdraw but wanted to submit so we had a time frame to decide what to do and this wasn't anything final yet.

So driving back from the mediator I tell her I am visiting a new counselor next week and it was one she had heard good things about, he specializes in Counseling men and also emotionally reconnecting couple I told her I have booked a individual session but if she wanted we could change it to a Joint session WRONG MOVE she tells me she doesn't want to be married and she is not in love with me and just wants to be happy and that's not with me.

I hit rock bottom again and back to the start of this emotional roller coaster. Didn't really talk much after that as i was trying to hold myself together, she asked if i wanted to discuss which i said no but she ended up talking anyway saying she was sorry and she never wanted this or saw this for us and asked if she could hug me which i told her no, she asked for just one more hug again which I refused(way too painful), she asked if we can try to be friends and i told her i can guarantee i will be civil and that is all which really upset her since I cannot see how we can remain friends in this situation. Got a few texts last night asking if i was coming home(had gone gym late) asked if i wanted to watch a show(we binge watch netflix series) with her which I had to reject, asked if she could come to the counselor with me to discuss Co parenting to which I also had to reject and then asked if we could keep it quiet until we have a plan in place so the kids don't somehow hear about it from someone else and then told me were not bad people were just not right for each other anymore and she doesn't want it to turn ugly.

I should have just kept on track. Anyway just putting this hear so people reading can see what NOT to do.
If you chase they move farther away. If you really wanted to fix this you go online and check your phone bill to see what you're dealing with. You buried your head in the sand before and look what it got you.

Looks like she wants to be "friends". This is all for her to aleviate any guilt, etc. she can say look he's ok with this cause "we're friends!!!!"

This gets you nothing if it is divorce except keeping you in limbo longer and will hold you back. If you have to move on and have a meaningful relationship she cannot be a part of your life. That will just destroy any future relationships. No other woman is going to want an ex in the mix.

My advice. If it's divorce complete no contact period.

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post #125 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Just random update to put thoughts down.

Still in same house, no conflict, not been served yet, mentally doing better and working on the detaching which is making me feel so much better about life. Still have some up and down moments but think i am doing OK.
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post #126 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Just random update to put thoughts down.

Still in same house, no conflict, not been served yet, mentally doing better and working on the detaching which is making me feel so much better about life. Still have some up and down moments but think i am doing OK.
Stick with the 180. It will help YOU, and it should keep conflict at a minimum as well.

Keep updating here, and we will keep encouraging you! Moving forward is never a simple linear pattern, expect and prepare for setbacks, and most importantly, when you have a weak moment or a setback, forgive yourself and see what you can learn from the situation.


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post #127 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Stick with the 180. It will help YOU, and it should keep conflict at a minimum as well.

Keep updating here, and we will keep encouraging you! Moving forward is never a simple linear pattern, expect and prepare for setbacks, and most importantly, when you have a weak moment or a setback, forgive yourself and see what you can learn from the situation.

Thanks @FeministInPink I keep posting from time to time as it feels like therapy LOL and helps with the day to day.

Got first appointment with new IC on Tuesday and already booked the session for the week after.

Finally starting to get appetite back, sleeping a little better and got to the gym which has definitely helped me feel more like myself again.
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post #128 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Yes I asked what she wants and she told me to 'just to be happy', she told me she see's me as a best friend but there is no romantic feelings and she wishes there was but she cant make herself feel something. I asked if someone else on a few occasions and she has told me no every time but I am not 100% certain on that part and cant prove otherwise.

I was speaking with counselor last night and something I had not thought about since I was so devastated when it came out was all this happened when I first asked her if she was seeing someone else, then she told me all the stuff about how she was unhappy but there is no one else but she doesn't want to be with me anymore as we don't make each other happy etc. etc. The counselor told me its doesn't necessarily mean anything and it could have just felt like that was a good time to break the news she had been holding in.
I wouldn't bother trying to find a "reason" for her feelings. People's feelings DO change over time. I'm struggling with what your wife was struggling with. I have never been unfaithful (I'm so naive with women, I cant say if I've had any chances), but my feelings aren't there. It's torture to have to tell someone what your wife was brave enough to do.

IF she had an affair, would that make any difference in the end? The end result is the same. You're getting a lot of great advice from other people on here. You will come away from this a stronger person.
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post #129 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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I wouldn't bother trying to find a "reason" for her feelings. People's feelings DO change over time. I'm struggling with what your wife was struggling with. I have never been unfaithful (I'm so naive with women, I cant say if I've had any chances), but my feelings aren't there. It's torture to have to tell someone what your wife was brave enough to do.

IF she had an affair, would that make any difference in the end? The end result is the same. You're getting a lot of great advice from other people on here. You will come away from this a stronger person.
I agree at this wouldn't make much difference.

I did read your posts and it seems we are in slightly different situations though you didn't/don't find your wife attractive, my wife/stbxw told me she still finds me very attractive but can't trust me with her heart anymore.

Not arguing just pointing out some differences I noticed. Thanks for posting and the encouragement.
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post #130 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 08:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Well had an awful night couldn't stop thinking about how much I wish this wasn't happening, how much I miss our conversations and texts throughout the day, how much I miss coming home and hugging my wife, how much I miss her cuddling up to me at night when we shared a bed. Just feeling really down, should pass but its really hard to have no idea what the future holds in regards to my family and if I will be remaining with them.

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post #131 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Hi CMB,

I had asked earlier, and I might have missed the answer, but what type of sales are you in? Do you deal with repeat customers on a regular basis or meet, greet, sell, forget?

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #132 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

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Hi CMB,

I had asked earlier, and I might have missed the answer, but what type of sales are you in? Do you deal with repeat customers on a regular basis or meet, greet, sell, forget?
Some of all I have a book of regular accounts which I have build but that is constantly evolving depending on the size of the project time frame and I also look for new business via phone/email and customer visits and trade shows.

Some customers are one and done and others come back regular.
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post #133 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

How often do you all change your feelings on your divorce situation?

Got home from work happy, went bed depressed, woke up depressed and feeling desperate, had a period this morning when I was happy and feeling content and currently angry and frustrated and want to sign papers and be done and forget this entire situation and it is only mid day.

I literally right now in this current mindset could sign papers without any emotion at all but I know that could change and leave me with huge regret at a later date or even later today .

Is this normal and what everyone goes through?
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post #134 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

CM,
Totally normal to want to show interest. Want to DO something. As you have found, any move that YOU make towards recon - is rejected. Since that is a certain fail, best to avoid doing it.

I will say that C2 is behaving very selfishly. She seems to want the reassurance that you still want and love her, despite not reciprocating.

The constructive way to message this is:
As far as the kids go, I will do my best to support you.

As far as our own lives go, we are going to have to figure those out individually - scary as that might be.

Regarding the outside world, I have no desire to say or do anything that reflects badly on you.




Quote:
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How often do you all change your feelings on your divorce situation?

Got home from work happy, went bed depressed, woke up depressed and feeling desperate, had a period this morning when I was happy and feeling content and currently angry and frustrated and want to sign papers and be done and forget this entire situation and it is only mid day.

I literally right now in this current mindset could sign papers without any emotion at all but I know that could change and leave me with huge regret at a later date or even later today .

Is this normal and what everyone goes through?
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post #135 of 149 (permalink) Old 02-24-2017, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice on reconnecting with Wife

Thanks @MEM2020 this entire situation sucks so bad and emotions are all over the place since I cant even think of just myself since Children are involved and financially we are locked together pretty tightly.

Regarding being served papers do you think it is odd that she hasn't pushed me on receiving the papers since she plans to self serve? I wonder if she thinks I am going to fall apart and make the divorce messy so waiting until after my New IC sessions or if she is building more time to sort stuff her end while enjoying all the old perks of being married since it makes things easier for her or if she is not sure and still thinking about working on marriage at some point but not quite ready?????????
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