Looks like we're parting ways. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:06 AM
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Looks like we're parting ways.

@ResignedWife and @Openminded I have nothing against being independent and happy.

Nor with "freedom".

My point is that you can and should have that in a healthy marriage.

I'm not here due to infidelity or relationship issues. I have different reasons. But I think I represent what some here refer to as the 1% of marriages (perhaps 1% here but WAY higher IRL). And I'm concerned you won't see what those of us in a healthy marriage see.

I've got 30+ years with my W. We're best friends and lovers. We still are very attracted to one another and accommodate each other's sexual and intimacy needs. I like her and she likes me. I see my friends when I want and I encourage her to see hers. I want to spend more time with her than I can and vice versa. Our kids are great.

We don't see eye to eye on everything but we respect each other's opinions. If I think she's coddling the kids too much... but they aren't entitled or spoiled and she wants to do that with her time, I'm ok with it. We defer to each other on things that mean more to one than the other.

My point is that companionship is a great thing and it's entirely possible to find your ideal relationship if you're open to seeing it. If you resign yourself to NOT seeing it, you'll miss it when it happens. That's all


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post #17 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:09 AM
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Looks like we're parting ways.

@ResignedWife - rereading the end of your post (in a feminine, happy voice in my head ) I think I better understand - and I think it's a very good attitude to envision a happy life with or without a partner - if that's what you're saying.


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post #18 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@ResignedWife and @Openminded I have nothing against being independent and happy.

Nor with "freedom".

My point is that you can and should have that in a healthy marriage.

I'm not here due to infidelity or relationship issues. I have different reasons. But I think I represent what some here refer to as the 1% of marriages (perhaps 1% here but WAY higher IRL). And I'm concerned you won't see what those of us in a healthy marriage see.

I've got 30+ years with my W. We're best friends and lovers. We still are very attracted to one another and accommodate each other's sexual and intimacy needs. I like her and she likes me. I see my friends when I want and I encourage her to see hers. I want to spend more time with her than I can and vice versa. Our kids are great.

We don't see eye to eye on everything but we respect each other's opinions. If I think she's coddling the kids too much... but they aren't entitled or spoiled and she wants to do that with her time, I'm ok with it. We defer to each other on things that mean more to one than the other.

My point is that companionship is a great thing and it's entirely possible to find your ideal relationship if you're open to seeing it. If you resign yourself to NOT seeing it, you'll miss it when it happens. That's all


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You've gotten all of that in your marriage. My experience is that it's not very common to have a marriage like yours. I do wish all marriages were that way.

Some people divorce and immediately remarry. Some people take their time and remarry eventually. Some never do remarry. That's a personal choice. Not everyone wants a relationship. The OP may decide down the road that she wants a totally different life. Or not. That's obviously up to her.
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post #19 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@ResignedWife - rereading the end of your post (in a feminine, happy voice in my head ) I think I better understand - and I think it's a very good attitude to envision a happy life with or without a partner - if that's what you're saying.
That's pretty much what I'm saying.
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post #20 of 145 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I'm totally with you. Once my divorce is final I don't ever want to marry again. I hate being dependent on other people and I hate having other people dependent on me. Not because I'm a particularly independent person but because I've been betrayed so often I no longer trust anyone outside my immediate family. Honestly, I've reached a point in my life when my favorite days are the ones I am at left alone and can read all day without being interrupted.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #21 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 10:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Last night I sat down and created a budget based on what my expected expenses will be once Husband and I sell the house and separate. When Husband and I discussed possibly divorcing a couple years ago, I was dreading it because my salary was very small compared to his, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to swing being a single parent - even with his custody payments to help. But according to the preliminary budget I created, I've determined I should be able to obtain a modest 3-bed house in our area in my price range with no problem, with a monthly mortgage I can more than afford after applying the 30% down-payment I'd put down.

While we won't be taking lavish vacations to Europe any time soon, it looks like I'll actually be financially okay with my husband providing a reasonable amount of child custody payments to cover some of their activities.

That takes a HUGE weight off my mind since that was the main reason we did not pursue separation a couple years ago. My promotion and subsequent 10% raise in pay in 2016 basically enables me to be able mostly support myself and the kids now.
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post #22 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I am in total agreement with you. I have posted a similar amicable separation today on this site. I'm really glad I read your post. I thought I might have been the only one.
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post #23 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Husband and I have decided to tell the kids over President's Day weekend about the planned separation/divorce. We were going to wait until after the first meeting with the mediator in March, but the kids keep talking about "this summer when we..." and "next school year when I..." - and it's getting hard to nod and smile and avoid answering specific questions since we may NOT be doing those things this summer and they may NOT be going to the school they expect to go to.

This is the part I'm dreading the most...
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post #24 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

It's a difficult conversation for sure. But children can adjust very well when their parents prioritize that. And it sounds like you and your husband are.
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post #25 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post
Hubby and I have made the first appointment with the mediator - she is considered the best one in our area and so we couldn't get on her calendar until early March. We thought we'd be able to see her in early February, but then a calendar conflict arose and now we'll wait until March. She has confirmed the first meeting will solely be about building a parenting plan and how to tell the kids and our extended families.

Between now and that appointment, we're going to each rent storage units and begin going through the garage/attic together, dividing stuff and getting rid of anything neither of us wants, as well as making a list of all the furniture in the house and who gets what. We won't be able to start doing that until mid-February, but if we dedicate two full Saturdays to it, we should be able to get a lot done. The kids will not suspect anything since we've been talking about going through the garage/attic for a long time.

We've also made the complete list of all the repairs/cleanups needed around the house and will begin those immediately rather than wait - starting with all the stuff that we know we can do ourselves.
If I may be so Bold. See what I bolded above? All those words. The specific usages.

You said that no man [going forward] will be in your life. That is going backwards....IMHO.

Soon, there will be no more need for those words above that are bolded.
Soon your bed will be empty and cold.
Soon your kitchen table will be empty....on those days when he has the little darlings.
Soon his favorite chair in the living room will be empty.
Soon his kitchen chair will be empty.
Soon your arms will be empty.
Soon your lips will remain un-kissed.
Soon that comfortable place between your thighs will be empty.

All those words, the We's, Us's, Hubby's will be gone.

Soon you will be empty and all alone..... Once the children leave the nest

Most people cannot run on Empty. How can you?

I give you a two years before an irresistible "we" snuggles up to your face.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #26 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 02:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
If I may be so Bold. See what I bolded above? All those words. The specific usages.

You said that no man [going forward] will be in your life. That is going backwards....IMHO.

...

All those words, the We's, Us's, Hubby's will be gone.

Soon you will be empty and all alone..... Once the children leave the nest

Most people cannot run on Empty. How can you?

I give you a two years before an irresistible "we" snuggles up to your face.
Thanks for the post, but I respectfully disagree. Of course I talk of We and Us and Hubby - because I'm currently married and WE are a WE until WE are no longer a WE. And even after WE are not longer a WE on paper, we'll still be a WE in spirit because we'll be co-parenting our children.

I don't plan on running on empty. Although my marriage is ending, I have a full life. I have kids I adore, a job I enjoy and great coworkers, and several friends with whom I have fun on a regular basis. Those things won't END once my husband and I are no longer married. I'll still have kids I adore, a job I enjoy and great coworkers, and several friends with whom I have fun on a regular basis. And the same will hold true once my kids move out on their own in 4-5 years, too.

I know several people who are divorced, and none of them are sitting at home doing nothing just because they do not have men in their lives. Is companionship a good thing? Absolutely. But companionship doesn't have to be STRICTLY a dating/marriage relationship. =)
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post #27 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post
Thanks for the post, but I respectfully disagree. Of course I talk of We and Us and Hubby - because I'm currently married and WE are a WE until WE are no longer a WE. And even after WE are not longer a WE on paper, we'll still be a WE in spirit because we'll be co-parenting our children.

I don't plan on running on empty. Although my marriage is ending, I have a full life. I have kids I adore, a job I enjoy and great coworkers, and several friends with whom I have fun on a regular basis. Those things won't END once my husband and I are no longer married. I'll still have kids I adore, a job I enjoy and great coworkers, and several friends with whom I have fun on a regular basis. And the same will hold true once my kids move out on their own in 4-5 years, too.

I know several people who are divorced, and none of them are sitting at home doing nothing just because they do not have men in their lives. Is companionship a good thing? Absolutely. But companionship doesn't have to be STRICTLY a dating/marriage relationship. =)
That is what I wanted to hear. I get upset when even one women gives up on men. Gives up on companionship !!

That is women talk for getting something fixed around the house by a "companion". Then making the companion dinner.

Then him doing some more needed repairs under the "sheets". He puts your plumbing in good order.

And then you send that handy man home with a smile on his face.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 02-04-2017 at 06:11 PM.
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post #28 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Latest update:

Hubby and I worked on a few things over the weekend. We realized the custody days we had "assigned" were not enough for him - we had counted wrong. So we looked over the calendar (assuming a July separation start) and finally got it up to 115 nights for him, which is what he wanted. The rest of the nights go to me, with some flexibility whenever the kids just plain ol' want to be with their dad. He calculated the child custody amount on the state custody calculator (which I've read the mediator will use as a starting point) and didn't even bat an eye when he saw how much it was per month, and said it was totally fine with him. Since it was more than I was expecting, I'm fine with it too, but if the mediator thinks it should be lower based on other factors the calculator doesn't consider, I'm fine with that as well. I certainly would never request it be higher than what my husband calculated though.

We also did some finetuning to the "who gets what" list for the furniture and such. We moved some things around on the list, which were all fine with me. Our hope is to have that list pretty much final BEFORE we go to the mediator so that there's no need for discussion or quibbling over who gets what. We agree that we don't care about the VALUE of the items in the house (although he did say that one item he requested was due to the fact that I'll be getting the piano). But as of today, that list is pretty much final on all the big things in the house.

This weekend we did the paperwork to reopen a HELOC so that we can make some house repairs in preparation for selling it, and I've got an email into our contractor to get on his schedule to begin work in March. I also have emailed a landscaper we used in the past to get on his calendar to begin cleaning up the yards and add some curb appeal (my husband and I are lazy gardeners) as we head into spring. Once the work is done we'll call in a few realtors and get their opinions on listing prices and whether we need to do anything else to the house to make it as desirable as possible for a quick sale.

Lastly, we worked through how we're going to tell the kids, and when we'll tell our families. I think the plan for telling the kids, and what we'll each say, is a good one. I'm feeling much better about it now that we have a tentative "script" in place. A few weeks after we tell the kids, I'll travel to my parents' house to tell my family in person. My husband said he's in no rush to tell his family since he rarely talks to them as it is.

And that's the update. I continue to be impressed with how well it is going, especially with regard to the custody and parenting plan that Hubby and I have come up with. We both feel strongly that the less we have to pay the mediator, the better. We really want to figure everything out on our own so that we're only paying the mediator to finetune and document our decisions. So far, so good.
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post #29 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 04:37 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

You're doing a great job!
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post #30 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post
Latest update:

Hubby and I worked on a few things over the weekend. We realized the custody days we had "assigned" were not enough for him - we had counted wrong. So we looked over the calendar (assuming a July separation start) and finally got it up to 115 nights for him, which is what he wanted. The rest of the nights go to me, with some flexibility whenever the kids just plain ol' want to be with their dad. He calculated the child custody amount on the state custody calculator (which I've read the mediator will use as a starting point) and didn't even bat an eye when he saw how much it was per month, and said it was totally fine with him. Since it was more than I was expecting, I'm fine with it too, but if the mediator thinks it should be lower based on other factors the calculator doesn't consider, I'm fine with that as well. I certainly would never request it be higher than what my husband calculated though.

We also did some finetuning to the "who gets what" list for the furniture and such. We moved some things around on the list, which were all fine with me. Our hope is to have that list pretty much final BEFORE we go to the mediator so that there's no need for discussion or quibbling over who gets what. We agree that we don't care about the VALUE of the items in the house (although he did say that one item he requested was due to the fact that I'll be getting the piano). But as of today, that list is pretty much final on all the big things in the house.

This weekend we did the paperwork to reopen a HELOC so that we can make some house repairs in preparation for selling it, and I've got an email into our contractor to get on his schedule to begin work in March. I also have emailed a landscaper we used in the past to get on his calendar to begin cleaning up the yards and add some curb appeal (my husband and I are lazy gardeners) as we head into spring. Once the work is done we'll call in a few realtors and get their opinions on listing prices and whether we need to do anything else to the house to make it as desirable as possible for a quick sale.

Lastly, we worked through how we're going to tell the kids, and when we'll tell our families. I think the plan for telling the kids, and what we'll each say, is a good one. I'm feeling much better about it now that we have a tentative "script" in place. A few weeks after we tell the kids, I'll travel to my parents' house to tell my family in person. My husband said he's in no rush to tell his family since he rarely talks to them as it is.

And that's the update. I continue to be impressed with how well it is going, especially with regard to the custody and parenting plan that Hubby and I have come up with. We both feel strongly that the less we have to pay the mediator, the better. We really want to figure everything out on our own so that we're only paying the mediator to finetune and document our decisions. So far, so good.
It is nice to hear two people working on parting ways amicably on this site for a change.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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