Looks like we're parting ways. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 143Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:04 PM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,900
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
It is nice to hear two people working on parting ways amicably on this site for a change.
Amen to that!

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:31 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 87
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Last night I did a "practice run" on a good friend of mine, telling her about the impending separation. This friend did not know until last night that this was happening, so it was a way for me to tell the story ahead of telling my family, to gauge how it might go over.

Well, I didn't realize just how invested my friend was in our "successful" marriage. She did not take the news well at all. She took it with humor, but kept trying to give me advice on how to save the marriage. I explained how we had gone to counseling several times during our marriage and that while it helped us build a decent relationship, it wasn't a great marriage. She just couldn't fathom that the husband and I made the mutual decision to separate.

Despite my attempts to tell a balanced story - and assign no blame - she immediately took "my" side and said she never wants to talk to my husband again. I tried to tell her that there was no right or wrong in this situation - that we were not divorcing because of any trauma or bad behavior. It was merely a case of two people who had grown apart over the years and realized they were just friends, but not best friends/soul mates. She wouldn't accept that at all.

She and I talked again this morning and while she said she is resigned to it, she's very sad and still has no plans on speaking to Husband ever again. The good news is she lives in another state, and so rarely talks to my husband as it is, but it's still worrying that this test run in announcing the news did not go as smoothly as I hoped.

Last night after I got off the phone with my friend, I went back through the conversation in my mind to see if I had said anything biased against my husband that might have triggered such a reaction, and I honestly couldn't think of anything. But clearly I need to figure out another way to announce it to my parents next month.
ResignedWife is online now  
post #33 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 11:17 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,443
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Expect everyone to be opposed (and vocal about it).

All my friends and family were in shock that I was ending a very long marriage. They all tried extremely hard to convince me to stay. Until then I hadn't realized how many people had an emotional investment in our marriage and wanted it to last forever. They thought it was absolutely perfect but it was so far from that. It was a difficult time (some of my friends and family never accepted it) but life moves on.

I got through it a step at a time. You will too.
Openminded is offline  
 
post #34 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 03:24 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 3,208
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Just wondered, were you guys in love when you got married?
There have been many ups and downs in my marriage - i"m still in it but I could never imagine being so indifferent to the break up of the marriage. I just wonder how did you both get to this place. I admire what you are doing but know I could never do it, I'm an all of nothing kind of person I guess.
aine is offline  
post #35 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 04:16 AM
Member
 
jsmart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,038
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Your friends reaction is because society usually puts the blame on the men. Aren't all men dogs but a woman is "empowered."

Anyway, your story saddens me. If you're able to go about this so amicably, then I feel there is enough to work through any issues.

I don't know your back story, if there was adultery on either side to cause the distance between you two but it just seems a shame for this to end. There is still something there worth fighting for.
jsmart is online now  
post #36 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 07:08 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 87
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
Just wondered, were you guys in love when you got married?
There have been many ups and downs in my marriage - i"m still in it but I could never imagine being so indifferent to the break up of the marriage. I just wonder how did you both get to this place. I admire what you are doing but know I could never do it, I'm an all of nothing kind of person I guess.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jsmart View Post
Your friends reaction is because society usually puts the blame on the men. Aren't all men dogs but a woman is "empowered."

Anyway, your story saddens me. If you're able to go about this so amicably, then I feel there is enough to work through any issues.

I don't know your back story, if there was adultery on either side to cause the distance between you two but it just seems a shame for this to end. There is still something there worth fighting for.
Yes, we were in love when we got married. But we have had issues from the very beginning of our marriage. I won't go into details, but over the course of 20 years we dealt with issues including TERRIBLE fighting, untreated clinical depression, significant weight gain, lack of sexual and emotional intimacy, two long distance moves away from family/friends/support systems, porn addiction, and one case of an emotional affair, among a few other things.

In year 2 we discussed divorcing, but decided to keep trying. In year 10 we went to counseling and discussed divorcing, but decided to keep trying. In year 17 we went to counseling and discussed divorcing, but decided to keep trying. Four months ago we discussed divorce, but decided to wait a bit longer. Six weeks ago we both realized we were beating a dead horse.

I may have said this in a prior post, but when the emotional affair (which was on the verge of becoming physical) came out, that's when we dealt with our hardest emotions. Anger, bitterness, resentment - discovery of the almost-affair is when those emotions were spent. But then came forgiveness, counseling, and an agreement to keep trying. AGAIN.

But at what point do you say, "I'm done trying - nothing is IMPROVING for either of us despite all this effort."

For us, the only thing that improved was that we stopped fighting so much. But we were never able to improve our emotional vulnerability and intimacy with each other, which he and I both believe married couples need to have. At this point there is too much water under the bridge and it's time to cut our losses and allow each other to move on.

Trust me, we're not indifferent to it. There is definitely pain there - otherwise we wouldn't have cried with each other the night we made the final decision to move forward with a separation. But there's a greater sense that we NEED to be amicable and do this the "right" way for our kids.

ETA: I'll also say that when I told my friend the story, I did my best to tell a balanced, fair story that put no blame on one person. I was up front about the fact that we both made mistakes during our marriage and mutually decided to divorce. Admittedly, she was friends with me before I even met my husband, so she has greater loyalty to me in the long run, but it saddens me that she took a side despite my specific request that she NOT take a side because there was no side to take.
ResignedWife is online now  
post #37 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:45 AM
Member
 
Betrayedone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 444
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

It all sounds so very clinical.......I understand the emotion has dwindled over time. Very similar to my situation. Still almost killed me though even though I knew it was coming.
Betrayedone is offline  
post #38 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 87
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Betrayedone View Post
It all sounds so very clinical.......I understand the emotion has dwindled over time. Very similar to my situation. Still almost killed me though even though I knew it was coming.
Just yesterday I was talking to a coworker about it (she has known about our troubles for 10 years) and began crying. It may sound clinical and cold here online, but in real life, it's not.

Trust me, we're not robots.
ResignedWife is online now  
post #39 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 11:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 49
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post

I don't plan on running on empty. Although my marriage is ending, I have a full life. I have kids I adore, a job I enjoy and great coworkers, and several friends with whom I have fun on a regular basis. Those things won't END once my husband and I are no longer married. I'll still have kids I adore, a job I enjoy and great coworkers, and several friends with whom I have fun on a regular basis. And the same will hold true once my kids move out on their own in 4-5 years, too.
As a divorced guy mid 50s I meet quite a few women in this same mindset. I think many "mature" women (not 20-30 year olds) come out better after a divorce because of exactly what you say, They have a home, a good job, a nice social network and the kids. AkA a life. Different priorites than when they got married 20-30 years ago. While a few I know are looking for H#2 many are pretty happy with their new lives, have a good dating life without a "OMG I need a husband attitude". They aren't hermit man-haters but date when and with who they want. Finding a husband is not A#1 on the to do list. IT'll happen when it happens.
A couple men I know jumped out of the frying pan and in to the fire because they NEEDED W#2 (#3 in one guys case..)
Of course your mileage may vary...

I like your avatar - shows a good attitude
mickybill is offline  
post #40 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:18 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 87
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

My sister's family is coming into town today to stay the night on their way to Florida. It turns out, my parents are also stopping through (I had thought they were flying directly to Florida to meet my sister's family).

This morning I told my husband that I thought that tonight would be the perfect time to tell my side of the family, and my husband immediately and adamantly opposed telling them. I reminded him that the only other times I could tell them would be my sister's birthday weekend (since I'm going up there for that), or Easter - which is way too long to wait.

I told him the only other alternative is to tell my sister (at least) NEXT weekend when they stay with us on their way home from Florida. Then maybe I go go up early for my sister's birthday and stay with my parents for a night, and tell them.

I don't know this as fact, it's only my assumption, but I think he's really afraid to be there when we/I tell my parents. My parents are very old-fashioned, and very religious, and I think he feels that they will judge HIM for the separation, as opposed to taking us at our word that it was a mutual decision.

ResignedWife is online now  
post #41 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:24 AM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,900
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

There will never be a good time to tell them. If the decision is final, just do it. And tell everyone all at once so the chances of them hearing it from someone else would be slim.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is online now  
post #42 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:46 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 87
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I agree, tropicalbeachiwish. I'll give him the morning to think about it and then email him and ask him why he is opposed to telling them (although I already know what he'll say).

Once he tells me he's worried about telling them and how they'll react, I'll tell him that we can tell my sister next week, since our kids will know at that point (and really, we SHOULD tell the kids first), and then ask my sister's permission to drive up and tell my parents the day before her birthday celebration next month.
ResignedWife is online now  
post #43 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:48 AM
Member
 
EllaSuaveterre's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 520
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

If you both have no hard feelings toward each other and seldom argue, why aren't you staying?


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EllaSuaveterre is online now  
post #44 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
ResignedWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 87
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
If you both have no hard feelings toward each other and seldom argue, why aren't you staying?
Because it's effectively a loveless marriage. At least, loveless in the sense that it's not a MARRIED kind of love. My husband has admitted on a few occasions that he wants PASSION and EXCITEMENT. In the words of a friend of mine, very few married-for-a-long-time couples are gettin' busy on the kitchen counter or sneaking off in the middle of a party to go at it in the bathroom. So I don't know what kind of romance novels he's reading (j/k), but when I look around at my friends and family who are married they are not living PASSIONATE, EXCITED lives. They work 40 hours a week, have a couple kids, a mortgage, a gym membership, and at least one family vacation a year. A typical married, settled, suburban life.

That's not enough for him, and while it is enough for me, I have enough sense to know that I'm not going to force him to stay in the "friends only" marriage just because it's convenient for me. If I do that, he'll continue to be depressed, feel that he's missing out somehow, begin to blame his situation on me and, most likely, cheat on me. And while I'm not responsible for his personal happiness, I feel that I can at least contribute a little bit by setting him free to go find passion and excitement with someone else.
ResignedWife is online now  
post #45 of 147 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 09:14 AM
Member
 
jsmart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,038
Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I've been with my wife for 30 years, 27 married. We have 4 kids with the youngest turning 15 in a few days. I love my wife and still find her sexy and very desirable. Our love life is not as passionate as I'd like but sex about 3 times a week is far from dead. And your right, we aren't having sex on the kitchen counter either, unless she wants too :-) but that doesn't mean you don't try to add some passion.

You mentioned weight gain and an "almost" affair. Are you saying that your husband became over weight and you no longer are able to have sex with him?

I think your husband doesn't want to tell your parents because then it becomes more official. He's having doubts about busting up the family. Being in a sexless marriage is soul crushing but he still obviously loves you, which is what your friends see, hence their shock.
jsmart is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
future wife keep saying she hurt after sex, at a loss for ways to fix, please help da86 Sex in Marriage 26 02-17-2017 01:58 PM
Ways to improve yourself without destroying others techmom General Relationship Discussion 24 09-22-2016 07:05 AM
Ways to make my husband more open-minded when it comes to sex? MrsAldi Sex in Marriage 119 05-18-2016 04:00 PM
Stupidest Ways you have been injured? hbk4894 The Social Spot 30 03-07-2016 02:17 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome