Looks like we're parting ways. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by jsmart View Post
I've been with my wife for 30 years, 27 married. We have 4 kids with the youngest turning 15 in a few days. I love my wife and still find her sexy and very desirable. Our love life is not as passionate as I'd like but sex about 3 times a week is far from dead. And your right, we aren't having sex on the kitchen counter either, unless she wants too :-) but that doesn't mean you don't try to add some passion.

You mentioned weight gain and an "almost" affair. Are you saying that your husband became over weight and you no longer are able to have sex with him?

I think your husband doesn't want to tell your parents because then it becomes more official. He's having doubts about busting up the family. Being in a sexless marriage is soul crushing but he still obviously loves you, which is what your friends see, hence their shock.
It was the opposite way around - I gained weight after the birth of our two kids, and he subsequently lost all physical attraction for me when the weight didn't come off. He has been very open about the fact that he feels horrible about not being attracted to me anymore, but that's just how it is. I've attempted to lose weight over the years, with varying degrees of success (and failure) - but the fact is, I'll never been the 130 pound woman he met 20+ years ago. I'm not huge, by any means, but I'm bigger than he'd like.

But the fact is, that's not what is ending our marriage - as I told him, I think that even if I lost all the weight today, we'd still not have the kind of marriage we both wanted. There's too much water under the bridge at this point.

We are planning to tell the kids this Thursday night - if he balks at telling them, then he and I will need to sit down and have a talk about whether he really wants to do this or not. I don't mind waiting another year, if that's what he wants. But we need to decide if he's getting cold feet.

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post #47 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 09:34 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

FWIW I do believe you can recreate passion in a long term marriage. It takes deep commitment though because of life's distractions and the tendency of one to become complacent as you have mentioned.

It's a shame your H has external judgements and thoughts clouding his judgements. Thinking you have to be a certain weight flies in the face of who you are today. That's what I mean. Of course you've tried to lose weight. But there are many ways of wrapping up what you have and making it appealing.

Anyway good luck.


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post #48 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 10:23 AM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
I agree.

I married young and was in a very long marriage. I love being single. The freedom is wonderful. No way I'd give that up.
Your post is apropos to Resigned Wife's. As in, RW's future, down the road travels on the winding roads, hilly roads, lonely dark roads.

"Openminded", how do your Suitors feel about this? This feeling of independence of yours?

Do they eventually feel that it Suits-her, but not them. Do "them" have a say?

When they get too close, do you send them on their way? When they look back at you as they are walking out of "your" shadow, do they turn around looking for reprieve? Or do you snap their necks prior to the goodbyes?

As a single women, if you let a man kiss your lips and let a man do his duty, does he not want more? You may not. You say you are resolute in your pursuit of independence.

Oh, I know, friends with benefits. You get, he gets.
THAT gets old and stale after awhile.
Snap neck, move on.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................................

These are questions, nothing more.

Celebrating 'Independence Day' every day of the year, is a big responsibility. And doing so, while remaining intimate with others has the potential of heart wrenching drama...from another loving and giving heart.

If one were low to medium passion, I guess this would work for you. If you are high passion, with a high sex drive.....I see a trail of males, un-suit-able to you. In your wake, a trail of broken hearts and limp peters laying wounded in the weeds.

This is all conjecture: that you continue to maintain intimacy with attractive males. Maybe you are now celibate. And happy being so. Dunno.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #49 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Your post is apropos to Resigned Wife's. As in, RW's future, down the road travels on the winding roads, hilly roads, lonely dark roads.

"Openminded", how do your Suitors feel about this? This feeling of independence of yours?

Do they eventually feel that it Suits-her, but not them. Do "them" have a say?

When they get too close, do you send them on their way? When they look back at you as they are walking out of "your" shadow, do they turn around looking for reprieve? Or do you snap their necks prior to the goodbyes?

As a single women, if you let a man kiss your lips and let a man do his duty, does he not want more? You may not. You say you are resolute in your pursuit of independence.

Oh, I know, friends with benefits. You get, he gets.
THAT gets old and stale after awhile.
Snap neck, move on.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................................

These are questions, nothing more.

Celebrating 'Independence Day' every day of the year, is a big responsibility. And doing so, while remaining intimate with others has the potential of heart wrenching drama...from another loving and giving heart.

If one were low to medium passion, I guess this would work for you. If you are high passion, with a high sex drive.....I see a trail of males, un-suit-able to you. In your wake, a trail of broken hearts and limp peters laying wounded in the weeds.

This is all conjecture: that you continue to maintain intimacy with attractive males. Maybe you are now celibate. And happy being so. Dunno.
I will attempt to answer.

I am LD and have been since I first began dating many decades ago. When I was married, intimacy was something I focused on for my husband. Now I don't have to focus on it and I don't. I'm very comfortable alone. I prefer that. When I do date (very rarely) it's as friends only and I make it very clear I am not interested in anything more. Yes, the men I've always dated are very attractive (I can enjoy their looks and their company without feeling the need for anything more). Yes, they try to convince me to change my mind (but I don't).

I was the ultimate caregiver for all the decades I was married. My focus was always on others. I had very little idea who I really was besides wife and mom. When I divorced I wanted a much different life and I got it. I wouldn't change anything about it. Not everyone would be happy with my new life but I am. I stayed on TAM after my divorce to let women coming out of very long marriages like mine know it's okay to take a different path going forward.
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post #50 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Husband and I have decided to go out to dinner on Wednesday night to go over the fact that we plan on telling the kids on Thursday night - I've told him he needs to be 100% sure this is what he wants before we tell the kids, because then it's "real" and word will begin to get out (even moreso once I tell my sister on Saturday as she's coming back through town).

I told him I wanted to make sure that this is what he wants right now, or whether he wants to wait another year and not rush the selling of the house and moving. By waiting until April 2018 to put the house on the market, this would also mean less chaos for our kids since they'll both be in high school at that point, versus having our younger one go to a brand new school for one year (Aug '17 - May '18) because of the lack of housing in my price range in our current middle school zoning.

So we'll see what Husband decides on Wednesday.
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post #51 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
I will attempt to answer.

I am LD and have been since I first began dating many decades ago. When I was married, intimacy was something I focused on for my husband. Now I don't have to focus on it and I don't. I'm very comfortable alone. I prefer that. When I do date (very rarely) it's as friends only and I make it very clear I am not interested in anything more. Yes, the men I've always dated are very attractive (I can enjoy their looks and their company without feeling the need for anything more). Yes, they try to convince me to change my mind (but I don't).

I was the ultimate caregiver for all the decades I was married. My focus was always on others. I had very little idea who I really was besides wife and mom. When I divorced I wanted a much different life and I got it. I wouldn't change anything about it. Not everyone would be happy with my new life but I am. I stayed on TAM after my divorce to let women coming out of very long marriages like mine know it's okay to take a different path going forward.
How lucky you are.

You can cruise through life un-ruffled.

Every hair in place. No smeared lipstick.
.................................................. .................................................. ........
Me, being single?

I would plunge into the deep end. I would plunge into women until one hooked me good....dragging me to the surface and into her net.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #52 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
How lucky you are.

You can cruise through life un-ruffled.

Every hair in place. No smeared lipstick.
.................................................. .................................................. ........
Me, being single?

I would plunge into the deep end. I would plunge into women until one hooked me good....dragging me to the surface and into her net.
And that's YOU. YOU would be that way. Not everyone would. You keep trying to apply YOUR feelings on post-divorce single life to other people (women in particular, in this thread), but every person is different and approaches things differently. Some divorced women get married again. Some don't. Who cares what someone decides to do?

I don't know why you keep assuming that the women who choose single life after divorce will be miserable or unfulfilled.
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post #53 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post
And that's YOU. YOU would be that way. Not everyone would. You keep trying to apply YOUR feelings on post-divorce single life to other people (women in particular, in this thread), but every person is different and approaches things differently. Some divorced women get married again. Some don't. Who cares what someone decides to do?

I don't know why you keep assuming that the women who choose single life after divorce will be miserable or unfulfilled.
Sorry.

I bid you to convince me. I enjoy the repertoire. Some people can reach out and touch a nerve.

Your tingling is painful. I see that.

I worry too much about others.

This forum is all over the board with advice. Pick your own heroes, ignore the chatter.

Yes, my advice is.............you fill in the blank. My feelings are not important!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #54 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by ResignedWife View Post
Husband and I have decided to go out to dinner on Wednesday night to go over the fact that we plan on telling the kids on Thursday night - I've told him he needs to be 100% sure this is what he wants before we tell the kids, because then it's "real" and word will begin to get out (even moreso once I tell my sister on Saturday as she's coming back through town).

I told him I wanted to make sure that this is what he wants right now, or whether he wants to wait another year and not rush the selling of the house and moving. By waiting until April 2018 to put the house on the market, this would also mean less chaos for our kids since they'll both be in high school at that point, versus having our younger one go to a brand new school for one year (Aug '17 - May '18) because of the lack of housing in my price range in our current middle school zoning.

So we'll see what Husband decides on Wednesday.

Looking from the outside....long time married (30+
years) I am sensing that there seems to be some doubt or hesitation...I may be picking it up from your husband end not really sure...if it's easier on the kids to wait and you guys are OK with it I might wait it out for the year...you never know what life has in store.. Just my 2 cents...
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post #55 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

I feel it might be better to wait to tell the children. You're pretty pragmatic about the situation, but I expect the children to be much more emotional. It will be like when you told your friend, only worse. I would expect them to be confused and deal with a lot of emotions. I would expect them to also pick sides. I think it will be harder to try to all live together after you tell them.

Before you tell the kids, would you consider talking with a family counselor to get professional advice? They would likely have dealt with this situation many times and would be able to give very relevant advice on when you should tell your kids.

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post #56 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:22 PM
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Looks like we're parting ways.

You only have a little more time to show your kids how to pick a mate and have a good marriage before they're gone - and your influence wanes.

I think it's better to do this now so they can process this and ask questions and confront the problems you've encountered. "You mean it's not acceptable to just be an ok partner and get along? You mean there can be more to a marriage? You mean there can be love and respect and attraction and sex? You mean I should look for more than a pleasant roommate?"

They will model your behavior and choose a passionless partner and have a passionless marriage if that's what you show them. If you show then that that isn't enough - and are willing to leave with no safety net because IT TRULY isn't enough, you'll at least have them searching for more for themselves.


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post #57 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by ZedZ View Post
Looking from the outside....long time married (30+
years) I am sensing that there seems to be some doubt or hesitation...I may be picking it up from your husband end not really sure...if it's easier on the kids to wait and you guys are OK with it I might wait it out for the year...you never know what life has in store.. Just my 2 cents...
I don't think his hesitation is about ending the marriage, per se, but about TELLING people that the marriage is ending, and facing their disappointment or (potentially) disapproval. I know he absolutely wants to move on from our marriage (which I accept after all the work we've put into our relationship that has not fixed all our issues) - of that there is no doubt.

I think he's petrified of telling my sister and my parents. I even think he'll be fine when we tell the kids. But my parents are a rare breed and a bit intimidating. I've told him that's why telling my sister this weekend is imperative - it gives HER a chance to absorb the news so that when we/I tell my parents next month, my sister will be there to support us and also help my parents grieve.
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post #58 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 07:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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I feel it might be better to wait to tell the children. You're pretty pragmatic about the situation, but I expect the children to be much more emotional. It will be like when you told your friend, only worse. I would expect them to be confused and deal with a lot of emotions. I would expect them to also pick sides. I think it will be harder to try to all live together after you tell them.

Before you tell the kids, would you consider talking with a family counselor to get professional advice? They would likely have dealt with this situation many times and would be able to give very relevant advice on when you should tell your kids.
Last night I talked with a friend of mine from church who divorced a few years ago and had to tell her kids. I told her about my impending separation, and ran through the "script" that I had come up with for telling the kids. She said that it was pretty much exactly what she and her XH told their kids (they also divorced amicably). She said her kids took it pretty well at the time and it's really only been now (three years later) that one of her kids is struggling with having to bounce between two households. When she saw her daughter struggling, she immediately took her to therapy in order to work through her emotions, and my friend that said has helped tremendously.

I do not think my kids will pick sides if there are no clear sides to pick. As I said, we don't fight, so it's not like the kids have been witness to battles in the household in which there are clear right actions and wrong actions. And our goal is to stress that NO ONE is to blame and that we decided TOGETHER that this is what we needed to do. My friend said that she and her husband did exactly that, and their kids did not pick sides.

As for continuing to live together, if we do end up telling them on Thursday, then things will move very quickly - with the goal of the house being on the market within the next 6-8 weeks, and closed within 30-45 days after that so that by the time school is over, we'll be in separate households.
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post #59 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
How lucky you are.

You can cruise through life un-ruffled.

Every hair in place. No smeared lipstick.
.................................................. .................................................. ........
Me, being single?

I would plunge into the deep end. I would plunge into women until one hooked me good....dragging me to the surface and into her net.
Yes, I am very lucky. And very happy.

I still miss my ex-husband (we met at 18 and were together for many decades) but I don't miss my former life.

We all have different paths. I finally found mine.
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post #60 of 86 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Looks like we're parting ways.

Husband and I had an interesting dinner last night. We both agreed to slow down and not feel rushed to end things. We will still end the marriage (that's a definite), but rather than give ourselves a fast deadline, we'll ease into it. We've agreed to give ourselves 10-12 months to get everything done (home repairs, legal separation documentation, get finances in better shape (that's means me), get better job situations (a new job for him and a large (promised) raise for me)) and make sure we're both in healthy places for when we officially separate. The new plan is to tell the kids in January 2018, put the house in the market in March 2018, and be in new places by June 2018.

When we first began the discussion last night I told him I saw three scenarios - 1) continue to move forward now (and tell the kids tonight), 2) wait a year and do things methodically and cleanly over the next year), or 3) wait until the kids are out of high school (five years). He immediately balked at waiting five years, but did say that since we get along well despite growing apart romantically/emotionally, he can definitely handle waiting another year.

And so just like that the decision was made to wait a year. During that time we can:

1) Get the house in order - rather than rush to get the repairs done all in one go, we can do them slowly over the course of 2017, as well as slowly go through the entire house and get rid of stuff neither of us wants/needs. We have VERY old indoor-only cat that is ruining the carpet and we don't want to replace it now if she's going to potentially ruin the new stuff, so we can save on that expense for another 8-10 months since neither of us think the cat will last that long.

2) Not worry about schools - by waiting to list the house in March 2018, it guarantees that our youngest can remain in his assigned middle school. After that, both kids will be in high school and the housing market widens significantly for me.

3) His job and my raise - he is actively seeking new employment and he did say that he was worried that a new job, a new house and being newly separated may be a bit too much change for him (he dislikes change in general). By focusing right now only on finding a new job, he will hopefully be well settled into that when the time comes to formally begin our separation. Additionally, my boss has said she wants me to get a 15-20% raise this year, and is working on that - once I have that (likely this summer), my finances will vastly improve (a win for me) AND the amount Husband would need to give me for child support also decreases (a win for him).

4) Mediation - we will still go to the mediator to begin drawing up the legal paperwork, starting in March. But instead of feeling like we have to get it all done very quickly (6-8 weeks), we can take our time and do it right and make sure no one is making short-term rash decisions that may affect our long-term futures.

The other benefit to waiting is that it may mean I can keep the house - we'd be one year further into our 15-year mortgage, and if I refinanced into a 7/1 ARM (which we've done before so I'm familiar with them) AND increased the mortgage amount in order to buy him out, I may be able to afford the payments if my promised raise comes through. This way the kids and I wouldn't have to move at all. That was another idea I mentioned to my husband last night, which he thought sounded great since he knows how much the kids would probably prefer to remain in the only house they remember ever living in.

We both felt good about this decision to wait a bit longer, but also both agreed that if either of us changed our mind and decided we should go ahead and separate sooner, we'd tell the other spouse and begin to move more quickly to complete the process.
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